This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I take full ownership of being pulled into this last job.... I hit a bad depression after Gma died (that's what she wanted me to call her)... it lasted for three months. Burn out, lost so many clients thru the years, some I loved dearly, and never had time to grieve before going to the next job.....so I know I wasn't really thinking straight or what was good for me when I took this last job.
I take my own family dynamics in with me when I have a job.... and then I learn the families dynamics.... the epiphany came, when one more time, I was made the 'scapegoat'. Won't go into the whole story, just suffice to say I was doing my job and once again, I was negated and made to look bad.
But for the first time ever, other than being angry, I did not go down the rabbit hole of shame....I went outside to smoke, to calm down, and then started listing in my mind all the things I do for this woman, and I could feel myself being lifted from going down that path again....
So realizing that so many times thru all these years, I have been 'triggered' by something, and not taking the time, or having the time, to see what old feeling it brought up....I have PTSD and have been working on my 'triggers' for quite awhile now....
NOW I know why I am always so stressed, and anxious and hyper-vigilant .. I was thinking the other day, when was the last time I was truly happy....And discovered that was almost 25 years ago !!!! When I was working with troubled boys and getting to see some of them really get it ,that they were loved and important, and had purpose. They were so challenging....but that has been and will always be my most favorite job in my life.
So I realize now, that doing the work I do, consciously or unconsciously, I have been going in to change my own family dynamics. ha, it doesn't work that way...
But am so clear now about why I have stayed with this thankless job for so long, and now can see a light at the end of the tunnel.....
I am giving them notice Monday. There will be a lot of drama, and I do dread that part. But Fri was my last day to be expected to be a robot with no feelings. Just be the dutiful caregiver and do my job.... what ever that may mean to them at any given time....
Then I understood so many of you and your abject exhaustion.... to be in a situation where your childhood is played over and over again every single day.... and no tools to deal with it....my heart breaks for how tired, angry and anxious you are all the time... I have lived it most of my life.....
But now it is MY turn, and it doesn't matter if the family or anyone else understands that I will not do this anymore....
Don't know if this made sense or not.... but I know what I am saying and I knew I had to post it to the place that has kept me together for so many years....I'm not going anywhere as far as AC is concerned. But have set myself free of being the victim at work.... I don't do 'victim' very well, so guess that is why I have worked so hard on understanding what my life is about..Love all those that have been here for me thru the years and thru the good times and bad.
get a job, so confusing. so heartbreaking for me becaue my health is declining. i am having heart symptoms. she thinks her life is fine. that she does not need me here. we shall see. she continually tells me i am disowned and I have never done anything mean or irresponsible to her other than defend myself, withmy words, when she makes these accusations. She gets all of the help. I get all of the abuse. In my opinion, this situation should be for the professionals-- Professionals who are well-paid and well-educated about this type of ageing and behaviour. It is NoT ME. I get nothing. I am poor as a church mouse. Tired. disgusted. full of resentment and anger due to this situation. she is on cloud nine. she has a slave and someone who is at her beck and call and does not have to compensate because she can capriciously accuse me of doing nothing. I hate old people.I really do.there I've said it. they're emotionally abusive because they can be and everyone feels so empathetic because after all 'theyre old'. well so what? I will get old. No one will help me. Or at least I will not be surprise if no one helps me. I will be thrown into an old age home-- good or bad, theyre all the same. EXcept, I have spent a lifetime preparing for the day. and I will NOT abuse my caregivers and I will not demand that my children keep me home and put up wiith my dementia or whatever and if I do, believe me I will make every attempt to control it with pills if my doctor thinks it is beneficial.That is because some people love others. some people do not. and I am OH SO disappointed that my own mother belongs to this second class of individuals who simply only care for themselves and everyone can take a flying leap for all she cares.
You cannot rent my beach house because you cannot take care of it. (I have maintained my own home for 30+ years, alone, 3000 miles away. She trusts my cousin more than me. The cousin that is being evicted by her brother.)
You don't know how to do anything except sleep and eat.
You would die without Facebook. (Insulting)
Shut up and go to your room!!!! in the loudest nastiest voice imaginable...while the real estate agent was here, trying to close the sale for a commission asap. I stood up for her and got now he is working for maximum land value.
YOu can't you can't you can't...
She admires the lady down the street who has lived alone for 10 years, but continually emotionally abuses her own daughter who has managed alone for 30-plus years, 3000 miles away.
"you just want attention"...yes I do. I want positive attention because all i hear from her EVERY SINGLE DAY
Oh! I found something that has been missing for at least eight years! My MIL and I sewed a beautiful baptism gown for my middle child. When my daughters had their children baptised, I so badly wanted to find that gown! It had been worn by two of mine and two of my nephews. Nowhere to be found. This drove me nutty for a very long time. I will have to change my avatar once I email the picture to myself. It is looking a bit rough as it has probably been in the bag I found it in for thirty years or so. My how time passes!
I am just praying this one goes through OK because if not I might just shoot meself.......after I shoot whoever makes it fail ...again!
Dad has UTI. Some blood in his urine. The nurse called my cell phone today while I was at work. I need to find time tomorrow to pick up his antibiotics. His drinking of water is close to non-existent. He just doesn't like water. His taste buds are wacky. Food is either tasteless or too sweet.
I have overcame my desire to vent about oldest sis. It's basically the same old thing. So no need to rehash it all again. Sink strainer is always clogged when I come home. Smelly poopy trash in kitchen is still there. I really need to find time tomorrow morning to take it out to the trash bin - about 20 feet from the front of our house. Sis is dumping HER empty boxes of Black Tea to the recycle area. I guess she expects me to also tear up HER boxes??? So far, HER boxes are piling up these past 3 weeks. One would THINK she would realize that I'm not throwing out HER boxes. Oh, well, in the end, I know, and you know, that I will end up doing it... Okay, I lied. I had to vent - but not a FULL vent. Just lots of Capitalization....
In the meantime, please feel free to come back and just vent your frustration. I think, you're past the angry stage. Now, all you feel is a disconnect with life. I'm so sorry. I've been there. I know how it feels. {{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}