This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
My husband is showing a new series on his computer, and I am invited.
I found this clinic by a google search and their website invited a call if you wanted something more immediate. So, I called and said, "my dad just died, I've been doing 7 years of caregiving and hope to get a sooner appointment." I just got confirmation, today, that I could take advantage of another client's cancellation, and I'm going, first thing in the morning. Yay!!
Correct.
Forgive me for pointing this out, because even though iron sharpens iron, it is not a woman's role (imop) to correct/teach a man. I am such a hypocrite.
Book, I support you. No matter what. Your beliefs are not mine to question or doubt. And read what you will, and listen to your heart. You have so much to offer others, and we all love you here.
The lady I care for is such a d*mned Diva... always always always needing to be the center of attention, constantly needing reassurance about every minute thing she accomplishes...and the stroke didn't bring on these behaviors... they have always been there... the family babies her,is at her beck and call, and expects me to do the same.... nope...when she asks permission to get off the toilet, I am usually at my breaking point.. The other day she was mad that her husband and I talked a few minutes without her being there.... believe me, when she got up to go to the bathroom , she was pickin' em up and puttin' em down....no prompts... walked right in that bathroom, pulled her own pants down and was scowling at me the whole time....gets up, pulls up her pants, washes her hands and stomps back to her chair.... the funny part.... as she was turning around to set down.... she realized what she had done... then in her whiney voice said, 'no one tried to help me'.... whine whine.... sorry, but both her husband and I laughed, which made her even madder.... and I get to go home !!! But nothing but dread facing me as I am getting ready to go to work... and it is WORK....
When I read about people who need respite so bad they are falling apart, and the parent refuses.... well, take them anyway..... I just don't understand this 'kill myself' mentality... and so many women are so narcissistic that they could care less if you are about to drop dead.....I can't answer others issues, but I sure as h*ll know what I am going to do about mine......
Do I advocate putting all the elders in a NH, of course not... but at what point do we say NO, I AM TAKING A BREAK....
Told a friend of mine today that I had had a mild heart attack.... her answer,,, oh I hope you don't quit caregiving, you are so good at it.... What does that even mean?????? I just stood there and looked at her, because she was sooo not ready for all that was going thru my mind....I wanted to tell her to come do my work for a week, the way I do it, and I will set on the couch and watch, and we'll see how she feels about it after a week, much less after 23 years....H*ll, if I worked as a garbage pick up person for that long, I'd be good at that too... people are so stupid they make me tired....
So take her to the hospital Jessie....and tell them not to call you unless it is an end of life emergency..... when do we get a turn???? When we TAKE it..... it is not going to be handed to us....We can whine and p*ss and moan until the end of time.... and no one is going to take care of us but US..... so pick your pain folks, the pain of the guilt we have to work thru, or death... cause this sh*t is killing us.... and PLEASE, do no one person come on here as a rebuttal and give me some BS about 'owing' them.....
My brother and wife came in town this week, so we got the family together -- 14 of us. So I am trying to plan dinner, buy food and supplies, while all the time having a mother walking around like death, needing to go to the hospital. The big family day was yesterday, so I was grateful today was going to be some down time. But no. Mom woke up needing to go to the hospital.
I have already made a plan that if she really needs to go to the hospital, I am going to try to get her admitted and then go for a stint in rehab. If nothing else, this will give me some time away from the drama. I try to distance myself from the drama, but it takes a toll.
Book, we ALL get impatient.... we all raise our voices, we all slam a door, we all cry out of frustration.... it is called being HUMAN.... yes , it says honor our mother and father, but says nothing about being a martyr while doing it..!!! We put so much pressure on our self to do this perfectly, like cyborgs with no emotion..... In my case, I don't get to raise my voice or slam a door.... not professional... and it's killing me.... just like it is so many of us on here... there are no magic answers...
Even if we place our loved ones...we run our self crazy making sure they are being taken care of... that their hearing aids aren't hanging on the Christmas tree as a decoration and their teeth aren't in someone else s mouth.... that someone two wings over aren't wearing their clothes...that their shoes aren't being worn by the people taking care of them... and the list goes on...
That they are being changed in a reasonable amount of time, their meds are being given ON TIME....it is a different kind of nightmare to place them... so what do we do....we just kill our self trying to do for them....How did this all begin... and I loathe the people who come on here and dare to compare our situations with the WALTONS.... how do we know if those women weren't banging their heads against the wall, they aren't screaming at the elder to EAT... to get their hands out of their pants !!! We don't know...because they didn't have the internet to have a support group to tell them they are loved and appreciated for every d*nmed sacrifice they make....so we do the best we can.. we try to learn from each other... we support those whose health is going down the tubes.We encourage those that are so exhausted they can not think and they have no joy in their lives. All I know for sure, is that I am beyond grateful to have a place to come and not pretend to be a long suffering WALTON....
Yes, I am angry at myself for letting things get this bad... I have known for years I need to get out of this business.... but I look up and see exhausted, confused families that don't know where to start , and I am off and running again....
All I know is there damned well better be a special place for us in Heaven....we are all so tired....
Ok, off my soap box for today..... I have sacrificed enough... I am done.... love and hugs to you all.
Veronica - double and triple Hugs to you {{{{{{ !!! HUGS !!!}}}}}
I've been struggling lately with my depression. Last week was kind of bad. I rarely pray to God - guilty conscience, etc... But it got so bad, I started to pray to Him 2 mornings in a row. I have learned in the past, that when I pray to Him and use his name, the elder and his wife will drop by. I was open to them - regretted learning the Bible (because that's how I ended up caregiving - 'honor your father and your mother'), how the past few weeks been bad - struggling with the suicide thoughts (more like fantasies on how many ways I've killed myself), etc...
Wife said that I needed a vacation. I said that I did. Problem is - that whenever I travel - like Hawaii, Colorado and now Virginia, that 3 days before I return home, I get depress. Then when I come home, the depression gets really bad. I'm so surprised that the elder did not put any pressure on me.
Now that They are going through caregiving his parents, they're finally realizing what I went through 23-24 years ago. It seems others of my religion are now caregivers. Because of this, so many must have expressed feeling so bad that they lost patience with their 'loved ones' and got mad at them. When he said this, I was sooooo relieved. All this time, when dad & I had our famous yelling matches, I felt such a terrible Christian. You know - the fruitage of the spirit stuff. I'm just so relieved.
Sorry, I'm suddenly tired. I'm going to sleep now.