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Goodnight early! Having my own private issues, not sharing even though I love you all! There seems to be some good, mixed with some not so good in my life.
My husband is showing a new series on his computer, and I am invited.
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I'm doing a little bit of a happy dance. I finally reached out to a chinese medicine practitioner. I don't practice western medicine, at all, and I've been postponing this visit for a variety of reasons, though it's mostly been because getting a "new client" appointment was always 3 or 4 weeks away, when I hoping hoping for something more immediate; and by the time the 3 or 4 weeks came around, I'd already found the cause of my issue and worked out my own remedy. This time it's about all the stress .. 7 years of caregiving with Edna, and the last 11 months with my dad, and then finally his death.

I found this clinic by a google search and their website invited a call if you wanted something more immediate. So, I called and said, "my dad just died, I've been doing 7 years of caregiving and hope to get a sooner appointment." I just got confirmation, today, that I could take advantage of another client's cancellation, and I'm going, first thing in the morning. Yay!!
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In my case we eventually had to contact a case worker from home health care who came and after speaking to my Mom and weighing her (where we discovered my Mom was under 90 IBs., her usual weight was 120 IBs) decided that my Mom was failing to thrive on her own. The case worker and my Mom's doctor both had to agree on it, which they did.
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I have approached mom several times about moving and how nice it would be to have her close where she could enjoy so many more thingsand family would be close for visits. She is not even receptive in any way so of course i dont wish to force a move, but reality is that it will be inevitable at some point.
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I do think I am losing my mind sometimes!! My husband and I were out of town this weekend. He is the President of club of single engine airplane owners. We have so much fun with this group. Had a meeting in Dubuque Iowa, but couldn't fly our plane from Alabama because of weather, so at the last minute we drove 14 hours last Thursday and arrived there at 2am Friday morning, then up at 7am for all the festivities for the yearly get together. Needless to say, we were tired. I texted my daughters and my sister when we arrived the night before to let them know we arrived safely knowing they would get the message when they woke up. But, I completely forgot to call Mom the next morning. I was in a total fog, and when my phone rang at noon, and it was Mom, I just about died. It was as if I had left my 6 month old baby at home alone. How could I have done something like that???? She was terrified we had been killed in the hurricane (forget that the hurricane was no where near us!) She was up all night Thursday night worrying why we didn't call her at "9 like we said we would when we got there". Of course, I had not told her that. I had talked to her several times during the drive up and told her I would call Friday morning (and of course, I didn't!!) I guess my brain was so tired it reverted to the me I was when I didn't have to worry about those things. Yikes!
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SherylBeth, this forum is full of answers for your situatuon... if you have time, just go to different threads, and read and take what you need and leave the rest..... don't wait too long, it will seem more her idea if she is approached right.... but that 'right' is between you and her.... you will find many things that work, and many that don't... so, blessings to you for a smooth transition... for both of you.... keep us updated... hugs.
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Force is never going to work, regardless. Instead make it as if YOU need the help. Things she could do for you? Common misconception is to wait until absolutely necessary. But, you wait too long the adjustment becomes only more difficult. It is a very fine lne.
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Im wondering for those of you who recently moved your parent in with you due to dementia, what were rhe behaviors that prompted the move, and also, was your parent agreeable with moving? Im struggling to know when its time to force mom to move. Shes not delusional or anything yet, but she has lost all short term memory and I take care of all appts and finances. She eats ok and takes care of her hygiene so far...but since she refuses to move, I worry about what is next with her ALZ and when to force the issue. Just wondering what your experiences were.
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thanks to some kind folks for for the heads up - sure did not mean to offend or criticize Book! Meant don't let anyone hit you over the head with a phrase from Scripture taken out of context when the deepest message of it all is love, mercy, and reconciliation.
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ladee1.

Correct.
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I'm fine. A bit vulnerable and need to back off until I have some control. Thanks.
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Like you Glad, I am not criticizing anyone.... just saying that before this gets large and runs Book off, which it will do for awhile....if she doesn't see that words, sometimes without further explanation are likely to be misinterpreted....She is having such a rough time right now, and for those of you who have not known her for long.... that was a MAJOR risk for her... she is a big girl and can take care of herself... but I will always support her, as others have said they will.... you people have no idea how far this young woman has come...... so please be mindful or our words to each other..... this is a place of love, support and safety...love to all involved..... support to all involved.... hugs to all involved.
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That is one major problem with forums, and I hope you are right, Ladee. So, much is left to interpretation that may not be clearly explained when writing. And I am not criticizing the writers either. But, we all need to mindful of what we write always, especially when it is obvious that one of us is having a hard time.
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I will jump in here with comments to Book about her beliefs..... I feel Vstepahns was simply saying that there is a lot of scripture about love, support, compassion for the reader of the Bible.... and Cmag was simply pointing out he would have used up a lot of 'Elders' in college and he did a lot of praying... correct me if I am wrong both of you.... but one was meant as encouragement, not criticism and the other was simply wishing he had been blessed in such a way... How many times have we prayed and received some kind of miracle, or intervention, or a new way of looking at things..... and for Book to share anything about her beliefs and experiences was a major risk for her..... everyone settle down, and let Book ask what was meant by the posts..... sorry if I stepped on anyone toes here, and I love all of you...just that things like this is purely left to interpretation and our own personal expediences....., And it upsets Book if she thinks I am 'defending' her, but that is my right to do so, as she is a very close friend of mine.... we have traveled a lot of miles together.... love to you all...
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Yes, Cmagnum, you are not only being critical, you are ridiculing someone else's practice of their religion. And that is why 'religion and politics' are discouraged on AC Forum.
Forgive me for pointing this out, because even though iron sharpens iron, it is not a woman's role (imop) to correct/teach a man. I am such a hypocrite.
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Magnum and Vstefans, I do not think it is our place to question Book and her beliefs or what she is reading or not reading. That is not very Christian. She has made her life caring for first her bedbound mother, now her father. She has done much more than many of us would even care to think about all in an effort to honor her mother and father. So what is elders visit each time she prays! Perhaps it is divine intervention as someone or something is being sent to her as she is obviously going through a very difficult time now. The elders of her church are just now beginning the care routine from the sounds of it. Book has so much experience to offer. Perhaps that is why the elders are visiting her and hopefully to offer her support. Magnum, maybe you are thinking elders in terms of old people, not as elders of the church.

Book, I support you. No matter what. Your beliefs are not mine to question or doubt. And read what you will, and listen to your heart. You have so much to offer others, and we all love you here.
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I RARELY pray to God. The few times I do, it's on behalf of others.
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Book, I am not being critical, but I have not heard of a branch of Christianity where an elder comes to visit after each time one prays. I sure would have worn several out long before finishing college.
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Hey - book - we Christians are ALL unworthy servants. Pick up that WHOLE Bible, don;t jut read the parts that make you feel guilty instead of just another beloved one of God's in need of love and mercy. :-)
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Your honesty and bluntness is appreciated and respected Ladee1!!!
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And if the family does not figure it out.... The social worker at the hospital will, probably in a manner completely not acceptable to the family members that are the most uncooperative and uncaring people involved. Let those family members give it a shot, while YOU take care of YOU!
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And adding to what Glad just said, guess what, the family actually figured it out without me there..... wow.... isn't that interesting.
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so take her to the hospital Jessie, drop her off and say you found her wandering in the street ..... ok ok, I know you won't do that, but if it will get you a break, then take her.....
The lady I care for is such a d*mned Diva... always always always needing to be the center of attention, constantly needing reassurance about every minute thing she accomplishes...and the stroke didn't bring on these behaviors... they have always been there... the family babies her,is at her beck and call, and expects me to do the same.... nope...when she asks permission to get off the toilet, I am usually at my breaking point.. The other day she was mad that her husband and I talked a few minutes without her being there.... believe me, when she got up to go to the bathroom , she was pickin' em up and puttin' em down....no prompts... walked right in that bathroom, pulled her own pants down and was scowling at me the whole time....gets up, pulls up her pants, washes her hands and stomps back to her chair.... the funny part.... as she was turning around to set down.... she realized what she had done... then in her whiney voice said, 'no one tried to help me'.... whine whine.... sorry, but both her husband and I laughed, which made her even madder.... and I get to go home !!! But nothing but dread facing me as I am getting ready to go to work... and it is WORK....

When I read about people who need respite so bad they are falling apart, and the parent refuses.... well, take them anyway..... I just don't understand this 'kill myself' mentality... and so many women are so narcissistic that they could care less if you are about to drop dead.....I can't answer others issues, but I sure as h*ll know what I am going to do about mine......

Do I advocate putting all the elders in a NH, of course not... but at what point do we say NO, I AM TAKING A BREAK....

Told a friend of mine today that I had had a mild heart attack.... her answer,,, oh I hope you don't quit caregiving, you are so good at it.... What does that even mean?????? I just stood there and looked at her, because she was sooo not ready for all that was going thru my mind....I wanted to tell her to come do my work for a week, the way I do it, and I will set on the couch and watch, and we'll see how she feels about it after a week, much less after 23 years....H*ll, if I worked as a garbage pick up person for that long, I'd be good at that too... people are so stupid they make me tired....

So take her to the hospital Jessie....and tell them not to call you unless it is an end of life emergency..... when do we get a turn???? When we TAKE it..... it is not going to be handed to us....We can whine and p*ss and moan until the end of time.... and no one is going to take care of us but US..... so pick your pain folks, the pain of the guilt we have to work thru, or death... cause this sh*t is killing us.... and PLEASE, do no one person come on here as a rebuttal and give me some BS about 'owing' them.....
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Jessie, if you need help, go get it. Let others figure it out since they are there anyway! Take care of YOU!!!!
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Amen, Ladee. This has been a tough week for me. Every other day my mother has gotten up, saying she needs to go to the hospital. She picks some symptom of the day and goes with it. When I don't take her, she starts yelling about how I don't care if she dies. This is every other day now and it is more terrible than it sounds.

My brother and wife came in town this week, so we got the family together -- 14 of us. So I am trying to plan dinner, buy food and supplies, while all the time having a mother walking around like death, needing to go to the hospital. The big family day was yesterday, so I was grateful today was going to be some down time. But no. Mom woke up needing to go to the hospital.

I have already made a plan that if she really needs to go to the hospital, I am going to try to get her admitted and then go for a stint in rehab. If nothing else, this will give me some time away from the drama. I try to distance myself from the drama, but it takes a toll.
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Please know that I feel guilty for getting to sleep for almost 5 days straight... can not imagine how the rest of you are doing this.. I had one live-in job and said NEVER AGAIN.....But that is also the one that broke my leg... so no, don't think my body or brain could handle that again...
Book, we ALL get impatient.... we all raise our voices, we all slam a door, we all cry out of frustration.... it is called being HUMAN.... yes , it says honor our mother and father, but says nothing about being a martyr while doing it..!!! We put so much pressure on our self to do this perfectly, like cyborgs with no emotion..... In my case, I don't get to raise my voice or slam a door.... not professional... and it's killing me.... just like it is so many of us on here... there are no magic answers...
Even if we place our loved ones...we run our self crazy making sure they are being taken care of... that their hearing aids aren't hanging on the Christmas tree as a decoration and their teeth aren't in someone else s mouth.... that someone two wings over aren't wearing their clothes...that their shoes aren't being worn by the people taking care of them... and the list goes on...
That they are being changed in a reasonable amount of time, their meds are being given ON TIME....it is a different kind of nightmare to place them... so what do we do....we just kill our self trying to do for them....How did this all begin... and I loathe the people who come on here and dare to compare our situations with the WALTONS.... how do we know if those women weren't banging their heads against the wall, they aren't screaming at the elder to EAT... to get their hands out of their pants !!! We don't know...because they didn't have the internet to have a support group to tell them they are loved and appreciated for every d*nmed sacrifice they make....so we do the best we can.. we try to learn from each other... we support those whose health is going down the tubes.We encourage those that are so exhausted they can not think and they have no joy in their lives. All I know for sure, is that I am beyond grateful to have a place to come and not pretend to be a long suffering WALTON....
Yes, I am angry at myself for letting things get this bad... I have known for years I need to get out of this business.... but I look up and see exhausted, confused families that don't know where to start , and I am off and running again....

All I know is there damned well better be a special place for us in Heaven....we are all so tired....
Ok, off my soap box for today..... I have sacrificed enough... I am done.... love and hugs to you all.
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Re-reading my post by saying just finished one year it sounds like I am done as caregiver - not true - marching into year 2.
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I am so tired and run down. I just finished one year of 24/7 caregiving for my mother - 86 with dementia - who I moved into my home. At the moment I have a horrible cold and I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and stay there for a few days - of course, as caregiver this is never an option. For once I just wish so much I could put myself first.
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Ladee1 and LadeeC - {{{{{HUGS}}}}

Veronica - double and triple Hugs to you {{{{{{ !!! HUGS !!!}}}}}
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We are such fatalistic people. Well, we have the statistics to back it up, so it's not 'all in our head.'

I've been struggling lately with my depression. Last week was kind of bad. I rarely pray to God - guilty conscience, etc... But it got so bad, I started to pray to Him 2 mornings in a row. I have learned in the past, that when I pray to Him and use his name, the elder and his wife will drop by. I was open to them - regretted learning the Bible (because that's how I ended up caregiving - 'honor your father and your mother'), how the past few weeks been bad - struggling with the suicide thoughts (more like fantasies on how many ways I've killed myself), etc...

Wife said that I needed a vacation. I said that I did. Problem is - that whenever I travel - like Hawaii, Colorado and now Virginia, that 3 days before I return home, I get depress. Then when I come home, the depression gets really bad. I'm so surprised that the elder did not put any pressure on me.

Now that They are going through caregiving his parents, they're finally realizing what I went through 23-24 years ago. It seems others of my religion are now caregivers. Because of this, so many must have expressed feeling so bad that they lost patience with their 'loved ones' and got mad at them. When he said this, I was sooooo relieved. All this time, when dad & I had our famous yelling matches, I felt such a terrible Christian. You know - the fruitage of the spirit stuff. I'm just so relieved.

Sorry, I'm suddenly tired. I'm going to sleep now.
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