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bookluvr, I've read in so many places that we just need to realize that they are not the person we know, they can't help what they say and do. It is never easy for me to remember that, but I try and I think I am getting better. But one thing I have discovered (unfortunately I have to discover this over and over!) is that when I take care of me, when I get my exercise in and play golf with my husband, and visit with my grandkids I am better. When I let all the things that are important to me slide, I get frustrated and my patience disappears. Take care of yourself. Do things that are important to you. It really does help.
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Deborah, you have patience and determination. I know that it's important that they have a set schedule but I always find ways of shortcutting. I rarely win but I still keep trying.

Charlotte, I actually was relieved when I read your words above. I have toned down a bit since I found this site 3 years ago. Bedridden dad and I always argued a lot with lots of shouting. I would keep everything in and when he push me too far, my anger just boils over. I lost my temper. We rarely do that now. He's deteriorating fast physically and mentally. And he still refuses to assign anyone POA.
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Booklvr, I really am not that good at always allowing her to be right. I fail in that department alot. My mantra, every time I see her, is to say over and over to myself "it doesn't matter if she is right, let if be, just agree" I can tell you that is one of the hardest thing for me to do-to not correct her all the time. I'm learning, but it is a struggle every day.
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CharlotteAnn; well said! I'm in the same position. Mom is now living with me and going to adult day care while I'm at work. They love her there and she seems to enjoy herself as well - it's been a life saver. I also get her ready for "work" in the morning while getting myself ready ~ I have to pick out her clothes, help her get them on, do her hair, help her with her makeup, and make sure she takes her meds. She gets distracted every time I turn around so I have to refocus her over and over again. When I do that; she says she is going to call one of my brothers to come and get her! I have a rotten one right now that is putting me thru the ringer and that's the one she always brings up. I was ready to scream this morning... She also woke me up two times before I actually had to be up - it's exhausting. And I am glad I have found this site as well ~ some days, it really helps me get thru the day :-) Thanks to everyone!!
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Boss wife is making it a habit to chastise me in front of my customers. She always does it when her hubby is not at work to witness it. She did it again yesterday in front of a brand new customer. I told the client what was required for the China visa application. They still came to our office with the home-made passport photo. It was not meeting the requirement. Boss wife immediately chastised me in front of the client, "Didn't you tell them what is required?" in That Tone of Voice. I immediately responded back with the same tone of voice as hers, "Yes, I did tell them!" The guy left our office to get another photo done correctly. It's so irritating. They don't remember things and keep asking me over and over the same questions. Do I turn around and use that Tone of Voice that after 20 years in this job, don't you think they should know the answer by now? No, I don't do that even though I wanted to.

Dad is sneaking his hand into his front pants. Ha! Caught him!
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Deborah, I don’t know if I can afford a chiropractor. I barely make enough to buy food – after the bills are paid. And my fear of the unknown – what if he/she cracks one too many bones? Plus I would have to find a female chiropractor so that I don’t have childhood flashbacks if it’s a male chiro. I would love to get a massage (never tried it) and even try chiro, but….

Charlotte –I admire you having the patience to just allow her to always be right. I’m still struggling with that – with my dad.

Luckylu, my dad is just like your mom. I can explain my full day’s work and he just gives me a blank look. Kind of hard to reason with someone who no longer can think reasonable 24/7.

Ladee1, Ha! I didn’t even know we had new hugs. Shows that I haven’t sent a Hug to anyone today. Hmm.. did I send any yesterday? Can’t remember. {{chuckling}} oh, yeah… grateful today…that uhm assignment completely slipped my mind… Oh yes! I did stop very briefly when I left the office this afternoon and saw the quarter moon was out – in the daylight. I briefly stopped to admire the moon. I love looking at the moon!

Hi Johnjoe, yep, I agree, this is a great place to vent or find tips or share some humor with those who Get It. Unlike family, when you make a caregiver’s joke, they have this blank look.
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I read all of these letters, and I must say each one is brilliant. All are so very well scripted. CharlotteAnn I love Your lines.. We just need to vent, stomp Our feet, have a little pitty party, then straighten up and get back to being Who We need to be again for Someone Who means the World to Us. That's just pure poetry, how I would love to be able to express Myself like that. We all need to vent, let off steam otherwise We would explode. Thank You All for Your support, as it's comforting to feel I'm not alone any more. Peace and joy to You all.
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It's good to know that I am not the only one. Mom is in an ALF, but because she is so afraid someone will lose her clothes, I do her laundry. It helps her to be calmer, helps the facility not get blaimed for something that never happened, but most of all helps me to keep everyone on an even keel. A little extra laundry doesn't hurt, but it just adds another responsibility. I love her so very much, and every day I remember telling my Dad I would take care of her. It is a great responsibility and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. But some days I just wish I could just pretend that I don't have this whole other person I am solely responsible for. Ok, I am done venting for today!! :) Thank everyone for being here so that we can vent. It is so nice to be able to do that with people who understand we aren't asking for a fix, we just need to vent, stomp our feet, have a little pitty party, then straighten up and get back to being who we need to be again for someone who means the world to us.
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For those of you who are fairly new to this site, keep coming back. Vent, cry, laugh, make friends, and repeat, as often as needed....We all belong to a club we never thought we would be a member of, and we all relate and understand and support, even tho we are bone tired, half brain dead, and everything hurts. we are not alone.....

A special Thank You to Admin for the new hugs !!!!! Love them !!!
Hope everyone found one thing to be grateful for today.

And yes LadeeC, we will save our little money and finally have some freedom...one day.... hugs to you my friend, so happy we are both here again... Hugs and love to you all.
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Mother doesn't understand how hard it is to be in my shoes and feel like the entire world is on my shoulders.I love her SO much but there isn't enough of myself.I never stop and I never get done..I feel like a machine and my family treats me like one.
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SherylBeth, Your mom sounds just like mine, and I do the same tasks for her.
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Charlotte, I understand you all too well. Sometimes I feel like this moderate stage may be the most difficult. Mom can still appear normal for short periods of time and can fool people, and its not apparent how bad she is. She refuses to move, to accept help, socialize, or go anywhere. She thinks shes doing ok...but the only things she is able to do is feed and bathe herself. She has a housekeeper and I take care of all errands, finances, house issues, etc. I have no legal grounds to force a change, even with POA, and i find myself so irritated that she is so stubborn about everything. But you cant rationalize with someone who doesnt remember for longer than 5 minutes and brain damage.
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Today I am good. I am doing some things for myself, which is so important for my mental health! My mother has what I would call "moderate" dementia. She is 93 and lives in an ALF 10 minutes from my home, so not living directly with me. But I see her almost every day, and talk to her several times a day. I know that my situation is not nearly as intense as many people who care for their loved ones, and I know it will continue to deteriorate. In additiion to the dementia, she has macular degeneration and is nearly blind, as well as hearing loss. It is a daily challenge. Lately the biggest challenge is that she is obsessing over her clothes. She takes them out, tries them on, sorts them out, puts them away, takes them out again, and goes through the whole process again. She claims someone has stolen outfits (but can't remember which ones), she claims she has had other residents come into her room to try outfits on that she no longer wants. I have taken all her off season clothes this week to store at my house, which narrows down her need to sort. I write notes for her in very large print to help her remember things. Sometimes that works, most times not. She finds the note and throws it away. I try so hard not to get on to her, and most days I do well. Some days I do not. I keep the mantra in my head that no matter what she says, it's not important that she be right. Just agree and move on. Easier said that done sometimes. My husband is supportive, and just hugs me when I get off the phone or come home from a visit and just scream the frustration. My sister lives too far away to help on a daily basis, but she helps tremendously by listening to me, letting me vent, and understanding my need to laugh at some of the situations I find myself in. Laughter really helps, and remembering to try to do things for me - exercise, dinner with friends, seeing my grandkids. But sometimes nothing works. I just plow through those days and remember how thankful I am to still have her with me.
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bookluvr; have you ever visited a chiropractor? They can work miracles with sinuses and migraines. Especially if your neck is 'snapping' by itself. When I first started going (over 30 years ago); I would get back to work and could feel my sinuses draining! It really is a miracle and no pills involved! I also used to use peppermint oil and rub it on my temples to help ease tension or migraine headaches a little. A chiropractor could really help you with this though!

Sendme2help; Oregano oil is fabulous. Did you know that you can take a few drops under your tongue (it has to be PURE oregano oil) to ward off colds or to help cure them quicker?
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I wanted to share something here and forgot what it is. I should have posted it first before reading. Oh! Now I remember! We had a business luncheon at a hotel cafe. As you know, I'm allergic to shrimp. oh, mannnnn, there was some very delicious looking shrimp food! I carefully to chose my food from the buffet table.

I Sat down on the table, drank the iced tea and took a few bites. Not even 2 minutes into my meal, the person across me asked if I was okay. I misheard her and said that both of my bosses are fine. (Since she did ask me how I was when I first sat on their table, I figured she was asking about my bosses.) She gave me a puzzled look. The person beside her looked at me, and asked me if I was okay. I said yes. They both asked me if I'm sure. Yes, I'm sure. They asked me if I feel funny.

I sat there thinking. Their questions reminded me sooooo much of my brother and his gf asking me repeatedly if I was okay - after I had put on the sunblock and immediately turned super red and face bloated. I asked them Why are they asking. They said that my face is red. I don't have a mirror on me. But just in case, I immediately took Benadryl. I sat there staring at my plates. Which food caused me to have an allergic reaction? The only unknown thing - is the salad dressing. But just in case, I decided not to eat my side plate of salad. I got full fast because I didn't know I was attending this function and drank my ice coffee throughout the morning. Too bad I didn't make a pig of myself - esp. since it's Free food at a hotel! Oh, I'd better refill my Benadryl supply that I keep in my purse. I took the last one today....
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Great for both of you, Ladees, on the SSA. I heard that it used to be age 65 but they moved it to age 67. From what I heard on the news, they're now planning to extend it much later - forgot the age - if it was age 70. Government is trying to cut back on spending by cutting back on the SSA and Medicare. I think it's scary how they want to phase out SSA and force people to do their retirements via stocks/bonds/IRAs. Are they crazy?! Those markets fluctuates, crashes, rises, etc... Anyway, you both are so fortunate to finally get an 'in' before the gov't does something else to it.
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Ladee ... we're in sync, again ... just starting getting my SSA this year and letting it accumulate so long as I'm with Edna. I'm SO looking forward to my future. In that sense, I've never been so clear about what I want to do, and how ... and with the means to do it.

Now, all I have to do is cope with at least two deaths, before that will happen.
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thanks Sendme... ya, I have been caregiving for so long, that I automatically do things and don't think about it until later, when I realize I am seething with resentment.... means I got myself into a situation, now i have to use brain cells to figure out how to problem solve..I've been fortunate that this family is willing to listen and be fair.....And even the weekend nighttime putting J to bed is being worked on....so it could be much worse and has been in the past... you can't imagine the bitching I have done on here for years about what crappy families I have worked for.... but hopefully this will be the last one, and hope it turns out good for all involved, me included.... I don't have a problem standing up for myself, it's just the way I handle it sometimes that is very wrong.... lol..... I am still a work in progress.... thanks again.
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Ladee, success at speaking up for yourself! It took some nervewracking time, I know, but that is good news! Good going, hugs to you!!
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A little more progress with the family... have been offered another hour a day and half day pay when they have Dr's appts., which is every week. So said yes.
My good news tho, I filed for my SS, was informed that I would not receive it until next year. WHAAAAT??? There was a box at the end of the application to ask questions, ect... I stated I thought I could get it this year. Got a call from someone from SS Saturday morning.... I had done something wrong on the application, she fixed it, right then, so will be getting my SS AND retro pay.... I finally have a tiny 'nest egg' to start building more savings....... I let go of so much stress that day, I had an adrenline headache all day.... it's about time I finally got a break.... thanks be to my Higher Power..... so much pressure off of me.... now I can really get serious about getting out of caregiving..... I feel like I can breathe. I won't abondon the family I am with now. We are working things out... after this one ends... I AM DONE CAREGIVING.... woot woot !!!
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Book, You've got the symptoms for two people! In my household, he gets the sinusitis and I get the gerd. So, since he gets much better care, listen please. His chiropractor sold us a bottle of oregano oil, rubbed it into his hands, and had hubby breathe it in. It is also good for ear infections. Got any plants nearby? The essential oils cost $12 for a tiny bottle. With sinus, I see his suffering, happens twice a year. His need for migraine meds is now zero.
Hope this idea helps, cause sinusitis can make one grouchy. So can gerd sx.
Be well.
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How am I? Weather keeps changing. It's playing havoc on my sinus. I'm having a sinus + tension headache (mostly on the right face & head). With my squinting at this screen and slight nausea, let's throw in a migraine. I was debating if I should take Excedrin Migraine or just bear the pain. I'm going to take the pill. I'm tired of this pain. Every time I turn my head, my d*rn neck makes this loud *snap* sound with pain.
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Sendme - I figured why the sore throat. I had a late snack around 11:30pm, about 30 minutes before bedtime. Acid Reflux made itself known. I need to keep track of the time and eat a light snack by 10pm.

Ladee1, sorry, I didn't realize I haven't visited this thread since 3 days ago. Great that you're slowly but surely making snail-pace progress with the family. Let's keep our fingers crossed (is that superstitious?) that it continues to progress.
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V E R O N I C A , WISHING YOU WELL, with prayers and love.
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Bookluvr, have you tried vit. C and zinc for your sore throat? What are you doing with your health? Feeling better yet?
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A long brain drain of a week, getting the communication going with this family is really making me tired..... I have shared with others, that I am not the same caregiver I used to be... I put up with less and less as time goes by. I do my job, and by the way J is now using her walker ALL the time now, So very proud of her.... but some things are in the process of being worked out with the family in regard to them 'expecting' me to take up slack on night time bed duty.... I have had to really work on myself to let some things go that did not really matter, to make room for a solution....slowly making progress with talking with family members and slowly, maybe we will at least be close to being on the same page... not expecting miracles here, but some honest communication will go a long ways..... so, mentally and basically tired..... wonder if they would start paying me by the hour to be the 'counselor on call'??? LOL
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Woke up with sore throat and tiredness. 1 more day and I can sleep in late. My last alarm went off. I'm going to snooze more before starting my day and getting to the office...
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Gladimhere, Thank you for repeating the post to find Veronica's page. Keep those well-wishes and prayers coming for this brave retired nurse! Yay, Veronica.
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Ladee1 and LadeeC, I am going to try really hard to not confuse the two of you!
LADEE1 is the friend of Veronica who keeps us posted about V's health.
Maybe LADEEC doesn't yet know about Veronica's hospitalization and amazing recovery, enough to be at home for rehabilitation. Welcome back, LadeeC !
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https://www.agingcare.com/Members/Veronica91

Posting the link to Veronica's page again for any that would like to send her well wishes now that she has returned home though still weak.
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