This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Does your mother need you there to care for her? If not, you're free to leave. If she does need help, before you leave, meet up with a social worker, and have everything settled with your mother's care before leaving (you don't want to be accused of elderly abandonment/neglect.) And in the future, when she needs help, have APS (adult protective service) or the social worker help her with her needs. Trying to take care of someone who despises you is very bad for you - physically, mentally and emotionally. Plus, she will find ways to make you look bad. Protect yourself.
LadeeC
If she wants you gone, tell her she has to pay for the ticket and you will be gone. Is she able to take care of herself, or is her general cognition as lacking as her empathy and her motherly instincts? Is she coping with widowhood, or is she unable and is her lashing out worse than usual even for her because of it? It can be confusing, but your mother is the one who has failed in her role as a parent, and she is not right to demand that you do things that you are not able to do. She is not right to try to make you feel worthless because of her own deficits and neediness. You may need the help of a god counselor to see that she does not continue to succeed in making you feel bad about who you are, as you go on trying to do the right thing by her as you did for your dad.
You may not be able to change your mother's attitude and behavior. You could see that she has opportunities for grief support and ways to call for help,when she is in trouble medically herself again, which will happen. You do her no dishonor to try to take care of yourself financially, emotionally, and physically, even if that means saying "no" to her and disregarding her rages (aka temper tantrums.) This is especially true if her cognitive abilities are slipping, but is true even if it is nothing more than her lifelong means of controlling people.
And if you do not outlive and survive her, there is no justice in the world.
My father passed a week ago, and yesterday my mother demanded I return to my home 3000 miles away. I haven't any money whatsoever due to being called home twice due to my father's hospice and my mother's second emergency health crisis in so many years.
My mother rages at me about money (She has plenty, and brags to anyone who will tolerate it about her "windfall" a few years ago.) , but apparently I am not welcome in my own childhood home since my father passed.
Heartbroken and depressed, I struggle with lifelong depression and anxiety under doctor's care, and continue to try and keep peaceful with my mother who apparently despises the very sight of me.
My depression and anxiety cause ruminations. Today's rumination is the childhood memory of having to use my mother's leftover bath water for my bath.
Reading bk5 of shapeshifter series. The author changed her M.O. I hate reading or watching anything to do with undercover investigation. I get carried away with the books I read. I get tense and stressed out with pounding heart, etc.. What was worse, the author changed her M.O. to include violence, bloody pulling a person apart with their bare hands. Undercover cop got caught, prisoner along with others to be forced to fight to the death. Needless to say, I skipped A Lot of pages. Almost 1:00 am and I'm too alert from andrenalin to sleep... Sigh... I practically skipped most of the ebook.
Hello?!?@ My mailing address is NOT of the 50 states or Canada. No matter how I try to adjust the address, I will have problems because the ebooks are Digital and they have programmed the website to automatically deny All Digital Orders. I'm not in the mood to call the tech desk. Thank goodness that I decided to not automatically pay the annual $25.00 membership fee!
I will no longer buy books in BN. I will only go there to find the free ebooks (or higher) and then purchase it at Amazon. BN is much more organized in their Search engine than Amazon. That's how I downloaded and bought so many ebooks ($0.99 or $1.99) in Both Kindle and Nook. Amazon's search frustrates me. I ask for Science fiction/fantasy - and it throws in all these books that have nothing to do with sci-fi! At least with BN, it's all sci-fi. Later...
Ladee, I have suspected sleep apnea for several months now. What I'm trying to do is first improve my sleep hours. As of last week, I've been always going to bed at 1:00am. I only get 5 hours a night. For the past couple of days, I'm able to move my bedtime up to 12:00am-12:30am. My goal is to get consistency of a minimum 7 hrs a night - the current recommendation. That means going to bed by 11:00pm.
Yes, it was so good to hear from Ms. V.... I really don't think she knew how loved and respected she is.... so that should lighten her spirits some.....
Will be handing in my notice at my present job very soon... don't feel like getting into it tonight, but today just made the decsion for me.... funny how things work out sometimes.....
Hugs to all of you, angels for those that need them, love to all of you, and chocolate ..... just lots and lots of chocolate.
Thanks, Ladee for encouraging Veronica to post. It's a good positive action. I would not have thought of it.
Glad, the book is in Amazon. Paul Cleave: Trust No One - A thriller. Hardcover Prime member $16.22, used $12.09, kindle $7.99.
I haven't checked my email to see if BN responded back to my email.
I slept early lastnight. I was so exhausted by 11pm. Slept deeply (I think) the whole night. Except, I woke up more tired than when i went to sleep. I'm thinking I may have sleep disruptions throughout the night because I rarely wake up refreshed. I know that there's the depression but ... even though I sleep with a wedge pillow and another head pillow on top of that, I still wake up in the middle of the night choking. Anyway, 10:20pm and I'm soooo tired. I think I will be going to be early tonight, too.