This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
So every ones prayers are working, she is doing better each day, even having to undergo two feeding tube ordeals..... she is very grateful for those that have written to her and I keep her updated on who send messages here on AC..... She knows how loved she is and how we all miss her.... more when I know something..... hugs everyone....
He is at the stage that someone must always be in the room with him. If this sundowning/UTI continues, will it be wrong if I just sleep in my bedroom which is the furthest room? NO baby monitor! The last time I used this was with mom. And the spirit made it sound as if mom was choking. I'm a bit slow. After jumping off the bed, running through the hall before reaching mom's bed, she was quietly sleeping...Several times.. I Finally caught on. Turned off the monitor and pulled it out of the socket. No monitor. The thing is, if he keeps calling out and no one answers, he will get off the bed. (He thinks he can still walk.)
Babalou, our livingroom air con makes a wonderful background noise. Maybe not the same as 'white noise' ? I will check later for the app. Will try it. I can't use ear plugs. I have tinnitus (hence the wonderful air con background noise which is a tad louder than the ringing.) I'm going to try to sneak in more sleep while he's not talking...oops, spoke too soon.
Tired. Took my car in for oil change and to change the weather rubber on all 4 doors. 2 hrs at the shop and paid exhorbitantly for it. Next project is to undo the current tints and get a new one. The old tint is beginning to bubble. I think, too, it's almost time to change the battery. The last battery I bought was in 2012. Sometimes, when I try to turn on the ignition, it won't start. And when slowing down, it feels as if the car's about to die. I need to see when nephew is free so that we can go and replace it.
I'd never hit back, but I did tell her in no uncertain terms that she'd better never, ever hit me again. But she's so feeble, I think she'd have fallen over if she'd been standing on her own (I was still holding onto her at the time, and even then she lurched sideways as she slapped at me), so really there's more danger to her than to me. I have a feeling they'll put her in a nursing home soon; but I really need this job, so I'll stay as long as I can!
If your mom ever goes to the ER, do the same thing. Insist that she be evaluated, tested for dementia, etc... Explain the increase anger and how she wanted to hit you. Worse case scenario, you can refuse to bring her home if they don't do this because she's becoming violent and you can't handle it.
The thing is, your mom IS going to get worse. My dad used to look like he wanted to hit me. Then one day, he finally punched me in the head when I was too busy changing mom's pamper. He always waited to punch me when I was doing the pamper. It kept escalating- his anger and the hitting. Then one day, he went after me. His hands were extended and clawed. I knew he was going for my throat. I took a defensive stance by turning my body sideways and my right arm extended, ready to throw that one punch, and then run like heck out of the house. Just before he reached me, he realized I was ready to fight back (unlike those ambush punches to my face with the last one almost caused my eye glasses to fly off my face, only dangling from the ear opposite of where he punched). He stopped, stared at my upraised hand and walked away.
Leah, I'm going to tell you something that I learned from reading on this site. In the authorities eyes, it's okay for the elderly people to hit their caregivers or family. They have "excuse" like they're old and don't know any better. But if you're attacked and you Defend yourself by hitting back - you can get in trouble for Abusing the Elderly! Be very careful when your mom becomes aggressive. Whatever happens, do not hit back - even if is attacking you. Get out of the house quickly. You really don't want your mom to reach this violent stage without being properly evaluated from time to time.
RA,
I would try to remove all of the diapers from the drawer, all of them! Put them somewhere else. Replace with construction paper, paper plates, napkins, maybe she wants to make something, and it seems cutting up colorful construction paper (or copier paper comes in many colors) would be much more fun and rewarding. I would also put in some fabric scraps, felt, ribbons, anything you can think of that she may enjoy rather than cuttine up expensive diapers!
Y tried to go outside while I was out of the room. I forgot to put the note on the door that says not to open it because the alarm will go off (the only way to keep her from trying to open it, because she's had a few experiences with opening it and having the loud, blaring alarm go off). So anyways, I come out and see her on the front step, about to go down the rest of the way (there are three steps). She is not steady at all without her walker, but of course she thinks she is. I told her she wasn't supposed to go out there by herself and she said she'd come in in a minute, and then ... started to go down the rest of the way. She wobbled, caught herself, and I ran over, grabbed her forearms and started helping her back in. She absolutely LOST it. She started hitting at me and yelling for me to get away from her, etc. etc. I got her inside and when I let go, she practically lunged at me she was so mad, but didn't touch me.
I told her (not too calmly, but hey, I had had a scare from her nearly falling, and now here she was yelling at me when I was helping her) that she nearly fell but of course you can't reason with them. Then I told her she'd better never hit me again and ... I called her a liar. Yeah, I was pretty upset. But it shut her up at any rate, though she was still mad as Hades. Took me a while to calm down. I can assure you I've called her a few choice names to myself. I think she's forgotten it by now, but sometimes you can't tell.
Oh, and yesterday! She writes notes all the time, asking for stuff like notebooks and things. Well, she had written a note about needing more diapers (in the grossed out thread, I wrote about how she's been cutting her unused diapers up into butterflies and things; so anyways we've only been giving her a few at a time to try to curb that). Anyways, I came into her room and right there on her table is a cut-up diaper. I said, "Why do you cut up your diapers? That's why you're running out of them!" and opened a drawer of hers, and there were literally ten or so more that she'd cut up; and she said it was none of my business and basically murdered the laws of logic, but I can't remember all she said. Anyways, I brought her coffee to her and she said, "Did you poison it?" So I said yes, I did. Haha! That shut her up; she was expecting me to get mad and offended, because she seems to thrive on trying to hurt my feelings (once I realized she wanted my feelings to get hurt, I stopped letting her see if she had accomplished her goal; which turned into my feelings not being hurt). I've now started telling her I don't care what she thinks about me; she'll think it about me no matter what, so she can think what she likes. It actually works! It's no fun to taunt someone who just calmly goes about their business and doesn't care if you taunt them or not. I guess that's called detachment?
She will never walk again, much less unassisted.... she won't be able to talk clearly and be understood, part of that I hold the family accountable for... they do not do the necessary things to keep her active and refuse to set in on a Speech Therapy session.... her and I communicate good, but I do everything that i was taught to do.... she gets aggravated, only trying to help.... but most of you know that feeling, I'm sure...
She didn't want to walk on her walker yesterday... fine... she didn't want a shower, fine, until her hubby stepped in and actually took my side for a change, told her she needed to do some things according to my schedule as I don't have time to bathe her at her convenience....I think PT is a waste of time,personally....she is the center of attention when the PT is there and of course does well.
And please, do not anyone get the idea this woman is not treated with respect and my full attention... she rarely knows I am frustrated with her.... welllll, Fri night she did.... LOL....
But I don't baby her, use all the energy to encourage and encourage and encourage all day long...because that only seems to give her more attention with no results....
Her shower was an ordeal yesterday.... she had been doing so well, no prompts where to put her hands, to stand up straight, ect... she almost fell because she would not listen when turning around and setting down..... she had been doing that all day, so just PLOP herself down...it scared her... of course I was right there and she did not fall.... but then she start ed whining, she just didn't know why she couldn't do this that or the other.... Yes you do J, it's because you won't try.... went into the same old song of being understanding of her limitations, ect.... and I am compassionate about that, but getting bored at the same time.....
And her poor husband thinks she will be up canning things out of the fall garden.... he has such high hopes... but I feel he might start insisting that she try to walk more when I am there..... it would feel good to know someone had my back and that I wasn't always the 'bad guy' for wanting her to get her strength back...so that was my dump for the day, before I go over there to the Groundhog day of caregiving... ya know, the one we all have every day......
Sorry the first part of the email was included.....didn't intend for that t o be part of it... but prayers being answered for Ms. V... she is getting better, slowly, so keep the posts here coming and t he emails to her.....tell her stuff that would make her laugh.... I do..... so thanks to everyone supporting and praying for our Ms. V.... love and hugs to you all today..... now, must get on the hiway to hell.... later...
Sneezing at work... Both bosses will be off-island this Friday, and back in the office on Wednesday. I work this Saturday. Since Monday is a holiday, oldest sis is off. I'm stuck at home watching dad. Not much of a weekend....
57twin, maybe tonight's sleep will be better. I've always hated it when I feel soooo tired that I'm looking forward to sleeping. Then when I'm lying in bed, I cannot sleep! I just keep tossing and turning. I rarely have this - since mom passed away. It was just 1 less major stress for me to deal with (both bedridden parents with mom needing the most 24/7 care or else she can choke on her own saliva) and fulltime job. But I sure remember how upset I was when I couldn't sleep despite being so tired!
Coulditbeme, Hi!!!!
Johnjoe - Yeah, Jam's words really hit home, doesn't it?
Thank You Jam for this beautiful piece, so very well scripted...it really hit the
spot with Me, and I'm sure with all Carer's.