This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Uhm, you have any plans to changing her back on? I'd like to see what other impressions I receive every time I see her face. Her face should be used in one of those college courses - whether it's social science or art class or theater. I think the photographer has a great eye on his subjects.
Not that I don't like your current cat that is looking at that d*rn ladybug who had the nerve to land on her nose!!!!
PS.. Thanks, Ladee (about therapy.) I blinked when you mentioned 'too many choices' and my tendency to forget about it. Am I that obvious? =)
But here is the bottom line about therapy or any kind of outside help.... we have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired of our life the way it is..... our lives are , to some degree, simply our attitude , our own perception, and on and on..... so, no one can say when or where or how we need to change things,,, it has to come from us.... that is our starting point..... we either accept our life and thoughts the way they are, or we seek out a way to change it..... and I know you.... if you have 'too many choices' you just get overwhelmed and forget about it.... lol.... nothing wrong with that, that is just how you learned to cope as a child..... all I know for sure, is, I love you just the way you are..... hugs across the miles to you today....
During therapy, I was becoming upset about something - memories trying to show its head. I didn't want to remember it. And that's when she told me that any therapy will start to reveal hidden memories. I just cannot handle the past and my present, my job, my dad, etc... So, I quit. I'm just not ready want to face my past. I tried it twice - with 2 different therapist. I've learned that if I have no interest in changing, then I really shouldn't seek therapy.
When , as an adult, you look at your experiences of childhood, you fo so with the mind, ego and where we ithsl of an adult. So it's a very different experience. Also, if uou are with a therapist who makes you feel safe, you can be more willing to walk down that path.
In the movie, 'What About Bob?", his therapist wrote a book and gave him one, then, the phrase baby steps, just take baby steps was added to cliches that were attempts to encourage others.
Guessing you need a hug. (I really hate it when cliches make me really mad).
Hoping you are feeling better soon.
Today, he was lecturing me on and on. I used to keep my mouth shut and let him just go on. But today, I'm just so tired. I answered back, defended myself. He shrugs it off. (It's a do as I say and not as I do kind of speech.) While he was lecturing me, I felt my eyes watering. I told myself sternly over and over, "Do NOT cry! Do NOT cry!" When he was done, I looked down and willed my tears to stop. Depressions sucks. I don't have my armor firmly in place. Feelings hurt easily. Angry so easily. That is my day.
FYI, Ladee, I went to the salon today. Usually I ask for a 1inch trim. Today, when the salonist asked 1 inch trim? I said no. I want my hair cut just above my shoulders. She paused. Then started cutting it. I needed a change. Hair is not as short as I wanted, but it's fine. I need to find a salonist who knows how to cut short hair - and still make me look feminine and not like my brothers!
It's a very fascinating photo. One time I was looking at it, and I thought she's an ancient native American indian. Then another time, I thought she looks like one of those ancient ladies in the high country of South America (?). Today, as I was looking at it, I decided she looks like an ancient lady from Asia - like Mongolia? China?
By the way, I love to read your stories of your caregiving. I have learned a lot from you just from reading your experiences. It also helps me to see the paid caregiver's point of view. When I was going to release the paid caregiver on Saturdays, she offered to work the same hours with less pay. Unfortunately, older bro (of the states) stopped paying for her services. So, I had to let her go.
Thanks for more tips on gratefulness. I don't have to write it down. Just get into the habit of being grateful, or finding something that is so pretty is just as good. Thanks!
I think what I am trying to say, that after practice, it helps us to have a better state of mind.... not always, not every single moment of every day.... some days that gratitude goes out the window..... and everyone within hearing distance knows I have let someone push me too far.....
For me, it is about not always focusing on everything that is wrong with me, the people around me, my circumstances, but gives me something more positive to focus on..... if even for a few seconds....
Mica, I don't know if I ever had panic attacks. I'm sure I did but I just couldn't distinguish it with my regular fears of everything. I most likely brushed my fears - as fears of the very timid.
But this is the part that made my eyes get black..... they want me to come put her to bed Fri, Sat and Sun nights..... first of all, H is very capable of doing this.... he gets up with her during the night, what is the difference..... in my opinion they are slowly just stomping his self esteem into the dirt...... making him feel that he is not capable..... like three old mother hens, pecking at him until he looks like my old chicken avitar.....
So I agreed to put her to bed for those nights.... without pay, told him that is the only way I will agree to do it... first of all, he has been very good to me pay wise, paying me for 50 hrs when I didnt always work all those hours.... the main one being, if I do it because I WANT to , and it is not part of my job, I don't feel the resentment I was starting to feel when being asked about it.... if that makes sense.... some may feel I am being stupid ( or Dumber, eh Hope !!) for not charging.... but this feels right to me..... and for me....
As the daughter was explaining why she wanted it done this way, saying that , they all had things to do on the weekends,,,, well, uh, what do you think my life consists of... waiting by the phone to go caregive????? So we will see how this works out... he teared up when I said I wouldn't take any money for doing this.... he is a really good man..... and has been very good to me.... the rest of them... don't give them much thought one way or the other...they just make a lot of noise that is always about change and fear..... my brain doesn't work like that, tho I am flexible as far as change goes.... but they all just dwell on all the 'what if's..", it just makes me tired....
So that is my little rant for the day... am off the rest of the day because J has a Dr''s appt..... no problem... have lots to do here in my messy little house....
Hope everyone has something good or funny happen today..... sending hugs across the miles...
For it to be this watery, he had too much chocolate milk. It shouldn't be - because he had normal BM this morning. I bought 6 small boxes on Saturday. I looked down at his trashcan. One small box of chocolate milk in it. I emptied both of his trashcans this morning - so that means gave him choc.milk. I then counted how many unopened choc. milk we have. Two. That means, today, sis gave him 2 chocolate milk! We have talked about this previously. She found out - when i was on vacation - that chocolate milk makes dad poopy mess. She TOLD this to me. And yet, she didn't care and gave him 2 today. Obviously, since she didn't have to clean it up, she caved in to his demands. Well... he made a mess on his pants, washable liner, chair pad, wash rags and blanket. Sis will have to deal with that messy laundry. And I'm going to have to hide the rest of the chocolate milk. He's not getting anymore.
One of the writers of Obamacare, Jonathan Gruber was secretly recorded saying, “Lack of transparency is a huge political advantage. And basically, call it the stupidity of the American voter or whatever, but basically, that was really, really critical to get this thing to pass.” In another 2013 appearance, Mr. Gruber declared that one provision of Obamacare was included because “the American people are too stupid to understand the difference.”
.... So, this means everyone, including the president knew about this - that you won't be able to keep your doctor, etc... I also understand that when Congress passed it - most of them didn't even read it!
Glad - I understand that it will go up higher next year. And that most people cannot even use Obamacare because their deductions is so high - that the only way to qualify for it - is if you had a major car accident. $10,000 deductible!!!! That's so ridiculous! Anyway, the ones who got hit the worst with Obamacare - is the middle income families.
I also understand that those using Obamacare must also file a tax return on it. Do some kind of calculation. And if you're off - you will have to pay the government! Gee whiz!