This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I WILL have the best care I can get for my Mum. Does she deserve it - probably not - but she will get it because I will not allow the professionals who have NEVER done full time 1 on 1 care to a) tell me what to do and b) tell me I must do it.
Now the nurse who is coming out has done care work (so she will have an idea) but even she says that 1 to 1 familial care is very different from nursing home care because of the ties that bind us to our parents. Even if we dont like them much we still love them and care about their well being so when your mum says to you for the umpteenth time please give me enough pills so I can just leave this world it still bloody hurts.
However the nurse quite honestly told me that when you hear that from 6 or 7 people every night you learn to handle it and distance yourself from it which is nigh on impossible in a familial setting.
The social worker said if you sat and talked with her more often then she would be happier - it's what she wants and it's not a lot to ask.....well yes so it might be but once again I am clearly NOT in that equation and that's what rattles my cage and
YES IT IS A LOT TO BLOODY ASK - well it is for me. It's not that I don't sit and talk to her - I spent more than 4 hours doing that yesterday - PLUS meal times massage, toileting, bathing, while I was cleaning and dusting etc but to do more than 4 hours? NO WAY can't do it sorry well not sorry actually I need a life too
College, I hope that your mother starts doing better; that they find out what is the problem and are able to take care of it; and that she makes it to her 95th birthday. You sound like such a loving, caring daughter; I hope you are able to get the rest you need, and I hope you are surrounded by family members and/or friends who build you up and help you however they can. God bless :)
I did raise my voice...I said 'if I had wanted advice I would have asked someone who knew what they were talking about'....the conversation was very short!
I took him out to lunch today-his usual burger, fries and a beer.
Then he had a ride which I arranged in a T-bucket hot rod as there is a convention later this week and a FB friend from Texas was attending.
I'm still doing outings while he still is mobile as there will come a time when these will end.
Good luck.
It'll be back on the battlefield tomorrow morning for me; we'll see how that goes!
All of you get the rest and relaxation you need tonight!
On the proactive side get him a walking trolley so he can put his meal on the trolley and then wheel it in - it's saved a million spills in our house although this week mum is really too weak to do much at all
As far as the independence, my FIL is just the opposite. He wants to be waited on, we bring him everything. We try to encourage him when he was doing better to get things himself but it wasn't working. He couldn't even crack his own crab legs the other night. My husband offered to do it for him, but he decided to eat something else.
Sudden death especially shocking of someone you know. You really feel the loss if they died from something you are or have been closely involved with in this case dementia and the ffect it has on the family
I can't believe he's gone. He was also the one who told me to stop worrying about how untidy my house was because "we don't love you for your dusting." And when I had to leave my job he wrote in the card "life will be a bowl of toenails without you." Which was not true, because I was probably the most challenging and insubordinate employee he'd ever met, let alone hired, but he was very loyal and very kind.
And of course now I can't remember when I last spoke to him, but it wasn't above two years because I asked him to take my little girl out to lunch and give her the "So You Want To Be A Headhunter?" talk. Only of course it was above two years. More like four. The time warp of caregiving, I'd forgotten.
It is strange though reading this news of yours, has impacted me more than I could imagine. I am trying to figure out why. Probably has to do with the early onset dementia. This wretched disease should be reserved for the elderly. Taking someone young makes dementia an even more cruel disease.
But how I am doing today is just horrible. I looked up my old boss's firm to check his contact details so I could cadge a reference from him and discovered that he died in March, of early onset Alzheimer's. I am stunned. I had no idea he was ill, it must have been incredibly rapid. Or am I so out of touch? And early onset Alzheimer's? What??? I feel like God is sitting up there watching my every move and going "HA-ha-ha! - not this time sister. Are we learning anything yet?" Only I don't know what the lesson is I'm supposed to be learning. That everything I touch turns to sh*t?