This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
So with that in mind am I supposed to buy my own cow? grow my own corn and rice and .... you know what I will just go one as I always have and if the diseases get me then my name must have been on them but I wont be having calcium tablets thats for sure
Freqflyer - as I was reading your comment, I Thought you were going to Refute it! I'm so torn between losing my eye sight vs. breaking my bone. Hate to say this... but saving my eyes won. I think the article was aimed at the Calcium Supplements - Manmade stuff. I think calcium from regular food - salmon, tuna, milk, etc... are okay. It's the Supplements. It kind of makes sense. A lot of medicines have side effects - asprin causes bleeding of the stomach, Motrin causes a hole in the stomach, Tylenol damages your liver, Calcium supplement damages your kidney (hence the instruction to drink LOTS of water when taking it)...
I can't tolerate any type of calcium supplement but can deal with an occasional Tums which has some calcium benefit. I am dairy intolerant. So I guess I will keep by eye sight but will probably break a few bones :P
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. (this I need to learn)
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens. (this I have virtually conquered)
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. (Oh if only I had the time to do this)
4. Give more. (I have only one comment (WTF?)
5. Expect less from people but more from yourself. (See comment on 4)
Us carers are well on the path to full achievement xxxxxx we deserve a pat on the back consider yourself patted xxxxxxxxx
April 10, 2015 -by Medscape Medical News - Older people who take more than 800 mg of calcium a day are almost twice as likely to be diagnosed with macular degeneration.
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OMGoodness! I've been trying to force myself to take 2 calcium pills, and have been giving dad 2 pills a day. By the way, the study was not as extensive as it should have been.
Don't let the world decide who you are. YOU decide who you are.
by Garth Brooks
Jessiebelle, I'm back to doing "my" chores - which is to just change his pampers (no extras - like scratching his own back). Sis will deal with her previous chores.
Today, she was not a happy camper. I think, she's getting fed up with me, too. In her mind, she's doing all the grunt work. (Babysitting only? Not changing his pampers at all? If he spills fluid on himself, she doesn't even change his wet shirt, pants, bedding? I do it when I come home after work around 630-700pm.)
Juddha - you're doing great. A lot of times, it's learn as you go. You just have to wing it. Or read/learn from others' experiences. It's like Windy said. It's just now a different way of communicating with your father.
Anonymous, there was a time when my dad deeply hurt me. I could not call him "dad" because he wasn't a dad. He was hurtful. I called him 'father' for several months.
I am guilty of replacing the disease with my mother and looking back I have often said my mother ..... my mum .....
Today is my new focus day - havent a clue how long it will last - probably until she rings the bell for the 10th time but my mantra for today is
It's not my mum its the disease she has that makes her that way
Your presence was a precious gift to your dad. My dad was left without words for the last two months of his life. HARD! YEAH! I know he didn't want me to have the burden of my mom on my own. Though I love her, HE, and he alone knew how high maintenance she is in this life.
That's another story for another day...
So those feelings WERE about YOU. That's okay, really. You said it in your last sentence and I agree. It IS hard to imagine being on this earth without our parents. That's sooo okay to feel that way. I know my dad would not want my mom to be putting me through the hoops she is doing. It's just what it is.
Do what you're doing. Just show him love in the most simple ways, hand touch, etc. He will know you are there. That is what is most important.
So, I understand in my own way. Mental crap or old age or cancer makes it impossible to say the things we want to that our loved ones can't comprehend. I feel your pain and sorrow.
I just felt so bad not being able to even know how to communicate with him. Felt like a failed daughter. Now I see that those feelings are all about me and not about him. I also felt empathy and sympathy but my own ego and childhood buttons were undeniably dominating in my troubled mind. It's so hard to know how to sort this out and gracefully go with their natural process of passing on.
This too will pass. Still can't imagine being on this earth without my parents.
In case anyone is interested you can go to dmachoice and register to have deceased relatives as well as a caregiver section to stop junk mail. I registered both as for deceased they ask month and year of death and age. For the caregiver they ask a few yes no questions.
Let's see if this stops all that religious mail that still comes in moms name.
I still remember the time that mom was in the hospital and we weren't sure she will survive. We were in the visitors waiting room. All of mom's siblings were talking,laughing so hard. It was as if they were at a party. My siblings and I, were on the other end, quiet, watching them enjoying themselves. Dad saw this, too. After that, whenever mom was hospitalized, we never called them again.
Only one cousin of mine sends dad cards and visits as her son lives close by. She is the only one I gave some momentos of mom to as she and her husband did a lot for my parents when I could not. She also went through a similar situation with her dad and MIL so she also understands more.