The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

I realize this is very random post and breaking in the middle of Book's discussion about her doctor's visit. I apologize for that.

I just wanted to tale a moment at this early time in the morning before I got back to bed and others get up to start their day to say something.

After being online for most of tonight although not on much during the day, I have found myself thinking about dysfunctional families with parents and/or siblings who use emotional blackmail against us via the ingredients of F.O.G. (fear obligation and guilt).

First, thinking about that led me to coin a new phrase F.O.G.y parents and F.O.G.y relatives. The emotional blackmailers who use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to manipulate and control or at least try to even when there are good boundaries.

Second, thinking about this reminded me how hard it is to make even the smallest choices like taking baby steps in a new direction contrary to the F.O.G.y relative or some other F.O.G.y person(s) in their life is.

Third, thinking about this led me to write a new post in the "On My Mind" section of my wall that says " In offering others help be wisely caring while being empathetically compassionate Let them know you care regardless of their choices."

In seeking to care for other caregivers as a caregiver and to care for my own self, I find tonight's reflections have been a good thing for my own soul.

Years ago, the insurance companies were not so picky and psychiatrists would take more than 15 minutes and actually do therapy along with prescribing medicine, but from what I understand with the increased demand for mental health services therapy became a specialty by itself separate from the psychiatrist who became regulated to just doing meds for 15 minutes.

Book, I hope you find a good female psychologist!

A sad reality of the medical world as it is in so many professions, people are not free or don't feel free to comment about another professional in their profession. There are both positives and negatives about this approach. And you are experiencing the negative of that approach.

My therapist never told me his opinion of my former psychiatrist until after I told him that I was no longer happy with him and had changed to another one. Then, I learn the man has a terrible reputation.

Look to see which of the ones on the list are covered by your health insurance policy. That should eliminate some from the list. Good luck!

Book, are there any Licensed Clinical Social Workers on your list? Also, when you call, you want to find out whether they do Cognitive Behavior Therapy (cbt) which is a research validated form of therapy. Much less about making you talk about the past than fixing things in the here and now. It's a modality you might be comfortable with. You might check websites that rate doctors for the names of these therapists. You may find anonymous ratings. Google each therapists name and see what pops up.

I was googling. A psychiatrist is a real medical doctor who can also do psychotherapy and prescribe meds. A psychologist was trained in depth with regards to the psyche but cannot prescribe meds. A psychiatrist charges more than a psychologist. If a psychiatrist is part of a health insurance plan, the plans fee structure may discourage them from spending too much time doing psychotherapy (which is time-consuming and take months.) Therefore, based on the plan's fee structures, the psychiatrist earns more prescribing meds (within 15 minutes of your time) than in psychotherapy (months of your time). You see, the health insurance plan thinks that any psychotherapy should be done by the psychologist - who charges less than the psychiatrist.

Based on what I'm reading, the psychologist have studied more intensely on the human psyche/behavior - psychotherapy and research, personality tests. Psychologists tend to use these tests more than psychiatrists.

Our island is really small. Most physicians and nurses cannot and will not tell you who is the good or bad doctor. Even my niece who is studying to be a nurse said that she now knows the bad doctors in the hospital. But she cannot tell us who they are. Our island is too small. Word spreads fast. I'm leaning more towards a psychologist first - must be female or I won't open up - at all. Learned that from my first therapist, who was male.

I'm glad that you followed through with your original plan to see the doctor. I love the descriptive language about the doctor, "she thawed out" Yes, sometimes in being objective, doctors can be rather frozen, but that is usually because they are trying very hard to keep their emotions under control so that they don't cloud their observation of the patient.

Sounds like it was an all around good visit. I enjoyed reading the story of your doctor's visit and glad you felt free to share it.

I wish she had given you more guidance about selecting a therapists because here a psychiatrist does not do actual therapy.They only ask about how you are doing on your various meds and makes needed adjustments of meds like antidepressants. and wants to keep up to date about other meds that you are taking.

I'm used to the term psychologist as a label for someone who is a research psychologist like my wife who has her PhD in Social Psychology but does not practice because her degree is a research degree not a clinical practice degree. This term must also be used of people who are clinically licensed to do therapy.

I'm not sure what the difference is, but my guess is that a clinical psychologist has more training than a psychologist does.

An IMFT sounds a bit more like a specialist in the field of doing therapy who probably focus mainly on marriage therapy and family therapy more than on individual therapy.

You may want to ask her office staff about what the differences are between these categories or ask your insurance company about these fields of therapy.

Went to the doc today. I'm glad I gave her another chance. She is much nicer today than the first time. She wasn't really friendly at first - asking kind of abruptly what I'm in here for. So, I told her about my yearly depressions and how it hit me badly last Monday. Struggling with the suicide thoughts, wanting to quit my job and cancelling my appointment with the neuro. How my friends rallied and told me that it's a phase, that I need to do this and that. How they were patient with me even though I didn't want to go to the doctor about my depressions. Even when they thought it was going in one ear and out the other. But what finally reached me was this: My dad is not going to get better. My sister is not going to get better. And of the 3 of us, I will be the one to crash. Then who's going to take care of you?"

And even up to this morning, I wanted to cancel my appointment and I was even willing to pay the last minute cancellation fee. I was telling myself that if I go, the doctor's going to think that I'm a hypochondriac. When I was done, the first words she said was that she is so proud of me for coming in. Despite all reasonings to not come in, I still came in. Again, saying she’s glad that I came in. FYI, other than cancer, the next high rate of deaths on this island is Suicide.

After all that, she thawed out. Was very sympathetic and caring. She asked how long have I had depressions. I said since I had PMS. She asked if any in the family has depressions. I said yes. Mom, oldest sis (breakdown and therapy), older sis and her daughter (on meds) , fave sis (therapy and meds). So, her next question was why it took me so long to seek help. I said that I hate taking pills.

She then asked me a question that I thought was odd. Maybe not so odd now – but I’m soooo glad that I answered the way I did. She asked me of my depression, what is the one thing that bothered me about it. I immediately said, “Wanting to quit my job and stay home.” I wonder what would have happened if I said that I was scared that I would kill myself? It’s a very good thing that I’m not suicidal. Just the thoughts only. Would she have had me in lock down for 3 days? {shudder}

She prescribed Citalopram. She said that she's supposed to prescribe 20mg. But she's going to start off with 10mg. I thanked her and said that I'm glad. Whenever I have new doctors, I always tell them that when I take NyQuil I only take 1 pill instead of the recommended 2. I once took 2 and had difficulty waking up. Even at 9am at work, my brain was still woozy. She said very firmly, "Yes, definitely 10mg."

I then brought up that the neurologist actually prescribed me real headache medicines - and not just Motrin. She asked what he prescribed. I said, I don't know. So, she said she will need to send a msg to the neuro for the meds. Then I said, "Oh! One of my friends told me that I needed to bring the medicine with me when I come here." She looked at me. Pause. Then asked me if I got it with me. "Oh, yea! Let me get it out of my purse." By the way, Veronica, she kept praising you for having the presence of mind of telling me that. I told her that since I couldn't remember which Cholesterol Pill that was prescribed to me - here it is. I gave her the bottle. She is very very glad that you advised me to bring it in. The Maxalt-MLT and Citalopram are major conflicts with each other.

Then she automatically got me a referral form for therapy. Therapy?!?! Ohhhh, I don't want therapy. I don't know what to say.

So this is my question. I have a choice of therapists to see. It's a list that I will go down the line and see if they have openings for new patients. In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out which ones to go to.

Do I see a: Psychiatrist? Psychologist? Clinical Psychologist? or a IMFT (Individual, Marriage & Family Therapist)?

Gees, I was trying to make this post short. It's still too long. I even deleted several sentences. Sorry for making a short story of my doctor’s visit.

I got distracted. I changed his pamper and got him breakfast. Then got my breakfast. And totally forgot to check his temp. I will leave a note for the home care nurse if they can get a urine sample. He won't go to the ER. I've been trying daily to encourage him to go to the urologist. My respite caregiver came. She said that what I can do is make an appointment for dad next week for the flu shot.

At the same time, set up an appointment with the urologist. She will accompany oldest sis to the appointment since dad listens to her more than us. She's also going to work on getting dad to agree on giving me POA. I don't know if he will. He's already accusing me (behind my back) of stealing money from his bank account. I'm not exactly crazy about being his POA. To me, it ties me more firmly to him. Where my super sensitive conscience is already ruling my actions, but to have something legal like POA will definitely lock me firmly on this island. I've always told myself that as long as I have no Legal paperwork for dad, I can always pack up, tell bro of next door that I quit and that he needs to do his turn. With POA, everyone will think he's now my problem. At the same time, I'm finding myself stuck when it comes to doing things for him and the company wants me to show my POA. It's a darn if you do and darn if you don't.

Although this respite caregiver is sooo nice to us, I still don't feel comfortable. My gut feelings working. So, I haven't made an appointment for dad yet. I'm gullible. I tend to believe what people tell me. So, I believe her - yet my guts is telling me differently. I have always consistently listened to my head than my guts. So, just now, I went next door and spoke to SIL about the situation. She said Do Not Trick dad to see the urologist. If we do, he will tell everyone (with exaggeration) what we did. If we tell him he's going for the flu shot, then it's only the flu shot. Only see the urologist if he agrees to it. Yeah, right. He refuses to see one - even before he had the stroke.

Book sounds like what is called a Rigor. The person feels very cold and shivering and you pile on the clothes then just as suddenly they get really hot. Most likely another UTI. Time for the ER and a few days off for you. I expect you have sorted it our by now as you posted two hours ago. let us know.

Book, fever? If so do you have his doctor's number to call?

My dad has changed. Lastnight, he kept complaining that it's so hot, but I was not. I'm always cold in this air con with the temperature of 71 degrees. So I turned on the fan, which made the room colder. I turned off the fan when I couldn't handle the freezing room. This morning, as I turned on the light, he was hugging himself and shivering badly. As I pulled up the blanket to cover him, I touched his arms and ears. Usually his ears are super cold. After I change his pamper, I'm going to check his temperature to see if he has a fever.

I also left behind my blackberry phone at Kmart. I kept calling but no one answered it. This was just before Christmas. I was sure that whoever found it would have kept it as their Xmas present or reset it and gifted it to someone. A few days later, my niece texted to me on my dinosaur flip open cell phone that Kmart called her about the lost phone. I called the name and number given. I also had to describe the color of the phone and the photo. Using kindle. Can't believe it took me 10 minutes to type this paragraph! Well, time to get up and start the day.

I left my phone at Costco one time, got home and kept calling it, thinking it was there somewhere. Finally, someone called my home phone. Seems they'd put it in the locked lost and found drawer and it kept ringing, the ringtone being Leon Russell's Crystal Queen blasting away. Being young whippersnappers, they apparently had no appreciation of Leon - I had to describe the photo on screen of my granddaughter to identify the phone.....

I'd call the bank as well as the issuers of the credit card first about this and then I would call all of the places you had been to with the checkbook.

I lost my wallet once and back to SAM's Club, they were calling my house using the information from my driver's license to look up my phone number.

ack.... misplaced my dads checkbook that also has is credit card, photo id and medicare and rx card. Had with me last tuesday when I took to dentist. No where to be found in house or car. Did lots of errands that day. I remember taking another bag with me to hold ipad and items I worked on whe waiting and I am thinking I put it in there instead of my small purse but its empty.
No activity on bank accounts. My phone # was not in there. Should I call/stop at all the places?
Cannot find a pharmacy bill I was going to pay so I think its in there as well. Grrrrrrr

Also if you are living with someone you can improve their nutrition. You have to do a little homework: people taking drugs can't enjoy all the natural benefits. Grapefruit is one of those things but there are many things that are fine.

Best wishes everyone.

To book and others: I had migraines for the last 5 years almost daily. I noticed whenever I stop drinking coffee and also when I make sure I am not constipated, they go away. Juicing has given me tons of energy and I have no more headaches at all. For $50 you can get a Hamilton Beach juicer on amazon. There are other inexpensive ones. I look forward to creating something that I have no idea how it will taste. I learned what veggies are sweet, spicy, bitter etc. You can improve the bitter green ones with lemon,beets, apple, ginger, a cucumber chunk, or a piece of red pepper. Try one a day and give up coffee, chocolate, and maybe other things that might trigger the Migraine. You can overcome that without drugs while gaining better health!

Drugs do no heal. They hide symptoms and usually cause more ill health and imbalance.

Embrace the possibility of being in control of your body and your life.

Book - migraines need treated. If OTC stuff helps, great, and I use some supplements myself, but the Relpax is always at hand. Truly, my career would have ended about 15 years ago if the triptans had not been invented when they were. You can't be a physician if several times a month you are not going to make it in to work. (They will tolerate you being 15-20 min late while your meds kick in, but just barely.) Many people are blessed to find a prescription preventive that works and they can tolerate, I've not had real luck with that. Butterbur GIVES me a headache. Please don't feel bad about proper treatment of migraine, it is more than a headache and deserves more than a little ibuprofen and Tylenol.

I'm sorry to hear that. Your mother may end up outliving you. What would be so bad about throwing in the towel, getting her on medicaid and placing her in a nursing home for that's what she'll need most likely with Alzheimer's at some point if she is not at that point already?

Yes cmanum but I cant find the time or the money

Well done Book, you have taken a very important first step on your road to better health.
Did you tell the neurologist about your other problems, the depression, osteoporosis and allergies? if you did not call his nurse and ask her to let him know about these. The topomax will help prevent the migraines from ever starting and the Maxalt will head them off before they get a grip or at least make it possible for you to continue to function. Wish they had been available when I was at my worst. As Babalou says give the meds a real chance, They can take several weeks to be come truly effective. DO NOT JUST STOP anything on your own call the Dr. Take exactly as prescribed NOT every other day or what ever crazy idea you come up with. When you see your PCG make sure you tell her that you have seen the neurologist and the meds he prescribed. this may effect what she prescribes for your depression. Again depression meds need to be taken for up to 2 weeks before you begin to see results. Keep away from the herbals if you are using precriptions and the spiritual healers. As the saying goes "Don't mix your drinks" Not saying spiritual healers or Eastern medicine has no place just don't mix things. Tomorrow will be a better day. Much Love Book.

palomitaamorosa,

The emotions that you have listed sounds like depression to me which means you need a doctor for meds, a therapist for support, and some boundaries in your life to regain balance.

Book; try the prescriptions FIRST; if they don't work, you can give the Turmeric a try. There is an article in the NY Times this morning about many, many herbal supplements being sold at Walmart, Target and GNC containing NONE of the ingredients that are supposed to be in there. I have several friends who have had wonderful results with Topomax. Please give it a shot. So good to hear from you, and glad it went well! Love you, Barbara

Thank you all for the posts It makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one who feels the way I do . I feel anger, frustration. sadness. guilt. hopeless . lonely. and overwhelmed. But there are tiny rays of humor that shine through like the rays of sunshine on a dark cloudy day And those are the ones that keep me going. Sometimes I think any sane person would have thrown in the towel way before now.

My referral to the neurologist specifically said 'headaches.' Therefore, that is what the nurse and the doctor concentrated on. No delineation. Dr saw my catscan and MRI. He said that I have an ongoing migraine. I said that I have several mixed headaches at once. He just blinked when he found out that I was only prescribed Motrin for my headaches. No medication specifically for headaches? No.

He asked me if I exercise, especially walking? No, I work full time, then go home to do my shift. I do have a treadmill but within 15 minutes, I'm slamming against the side bars. He said that I'm Not to use the treadmill. I'm to walk around the house - even if it's inside the house (due to bedridden dad.) /// He did the eye check and then the eye movement by following his finger; then touch his finger, touch my nose, touch his finger, touch my nose. He said that my movement was a little slow following his finger. I had to walk forward, with one foot in front of the other. Turn around. Now, close your eyes. (My eyes widened. I tend to get dizzy when I'm standing with my eyes closed.) I closed my eyes. And sure enough, I felt my body swaying. I opened it quickly.

He's prescribed 2 headache medicines. Topamax for the daily headaches that I wake up and go to sleep to. The Maxalt-MLT for when the first sign of the headache appears. Vit.B2, 100mg, take 1 in morning and 1 in evening. I'm to come back in 6 weeks to see if the meds work.

I called up the clinic and set up a consultation with my primary doctor for anxiety/depression. I hesitated on going back to her but... let's see if she will leave me with the same impression as the first time I met her. I've decided to try the meds. Several of you have mentioned to me that you're taking meds for your anxiety/depression. So, I will give it a try. As long as I don't get locked up.

Doc did the knee reflex test. My foot flew up and kicked him. He chuckled and said that I have a fast reflex. He's used to slower ones.

I need to sleep early now. Dad's new schedule is waking up at 5am, ready to eat and start his day.

Some of you had mentioned to me in my message board and even publicly on AC about Tumeric. I was watching the news in which the newsperson said that her friend takes Tumeric daily for her headaches. Her friend said that it's good for inflammation. I've been thinking of buy some for me - so that I can avoid taking those prescription headache pills.

Thank you, everyone, for the encouragement and heartfelt words to me. It's finally got me moving in the right direction - even if it is done reluctantly. I don't know how many months ago, several of you told me to see a neurologist. I finally did. I think it was years ago, that several of you have recommended that I try to get meds for my depression. I'm finally taking steps to do it. And I think it scared me too that I was prepared to quit my job, cancel my appointment with the neurologist that has prompted me to do something. {{{{HUGS}}}} to all of you. P.S... I told myself that just as I have helped others here, now others are helping me. Thank you soooo much.

Charmin, there are different ways of 'honoring your father and mother' according to God's Will. I was young, at the age of around 23 or 24, when I felt obligated to help dad care for mom. I actually cried on my spiritual sister because I did Not want to do it. But it is God's Will. So, I did it. Like you, when I took short trips (usually weekend getaways), I always dreaded coming home. When I got older, as in my 40's, I wanted to travel and stay longer. 2 weeks in Colorado. When it was 4 days before I had to fly home, I wanted to cry because I did NOT want to come home at all. The closer my departure date, my depression got worse. The same happened when I spent 1 week in Hawaii. Same deep depression because I had to go home. It got to the point, that I wondered if it was worth it to travel off island if by coming home always triggered my depression.

I know of a family who are strong spiritually. They read the Bible daily, and go to all their religious obligations. Their whole lives are centered on the Bible and God. Their grandmother had Alzheimer. The adult daughter staying with her mom was also getting old and health problems. They put their grandmother in a nursing home. You can do that with your parents - hire someone to come in to the home like Cmag's father, or Assisted Living (where they will be others of their own age with activities aimed for them.) You can try to bring up the subject once in a while.

As for yourself, maybe give yourself a goal. For example, how to help parents maintain their independence so that you can have yours. Then, read up on it on this site by searching (top right of the page) on topics like nursing home, independent living, etc...

You may also try to get them to go to 'adult daycare'. I'd term it differently though. This can provide them to gain friends and enjoy activities with others of their generation. Again, research on this so that you understand what it's all about. And can sell it to the parents. Feel free to come and vent. I've learned that venting with siblings are so different from venting with caregivers.

Why would "assisted living" be such a fear for them? Is their home safe for them, handicap accessible? It just seemed like such a no brain er to me that my mom should get out of her three level suburban house with no sidewalks and no public transportation when she was no longer able to drive.

Marcia,

I'm glad that you have found this place and feel free to open up about things.

How long have you been a widow? Have you worked through the grief over your husband's death? Do your grown children and other relatives ever offer any input about things or ask how you are holding up with all of this responsibility?

What kinds of help do your parents need for you to do for them?

I was glad to read that you are living in your own house. That is a very good boundary and keeps one from feeling in a dependent position which often comes with living back in our parent's home literally.

Given your parent's age, I feel somewhat safe is guessing that you are in your 60's and probably retired. You were ready for a new phase of your life until your husband died and your parents needed you at home. You are understandably angry over this current major unexpected change!

Ever notice that people who care for the elderly in nursing homes and assisted living homes are basically young and work 8 hour shifts which gives them a break for the other 16 hours a day?

My dad who has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's lives at home with three caregivers who are there in 8 hour shifts 3 times a day for every day of the week. He is 89 and their ages range from in their 30ties to in their 40ties.

I think that you have put yourself in an impossible position of being a senior citizen yourself trying to take care of parents who are advanced senior citizens 24/7 which no break except for 3 times a year for two weeks.

Currently, you have 42 days off out of 365 days. Frankly, that is not enough emotional/physical recharge time. At the rate you are going with so little break time you are putting your physical and mental health at risk.

I don't doubt your belief that you are doing what God wants you to do, I just wonder about the how to do it part? I think your feelings of anger each time you return would calm down if you prayerfully consider and seek the best way of how to take care of your parents' needs without totally sacrificing your own needs as a fellow human being.

I believe your anger is trying to tell you that for your own good something must change. I get the impression that your anger leads you into some depression and very often situational depression has anger underneath it which we must face and find out what it is trying to tell us if we are going to overcome it.

Did you know that 1/3 of caregivers die before those whom they are caring for?

Who takes care of your parents while you are gone for two weeks three times a year? Do your parents have any financial resources to pay for extra help? Could they afford to go to assisted living?

I'm not sure that I understand what you mean by keeping your one sister's relationship with your parents unbiased? Unbiased about what or just out of the loop as to the real challenges that you face alone each day? Why doesn't talking to your sister help? Is she a poor listener and does not want to hear what you have to say? Why haven't your tried to talk with your other two sisters or are the relationships there not very close? Have you and your sisters attempted to meet together and discuss your parents' care and realistically look at where things are now, what kind care they need now and that it is beyond just one person to do or have they abandoned you to just do this alone?

I hope you will look for and find some ways to regain balance in your life with some healthy boundaries that take care of you and your health while also taking care of your parents' needs for safety and care. It sounds like to me as if you have thrown yourself under the bus and are tiered of being run over.

I wish you the best. Keep in touch and let us know how things are going!

I am a widow, and 2 1/2 years ago I moved 700 miles away from my kids to care for my parents, who are 90 and 87 now. Here is what is bothering me: About 3 times a year I get away for about 2 weeks to either go see my kids or other family. And each time I do, I come back angry - not just angry about something that might have happened to my folks while I was gone, but angry that I am back in the same situation. Angry that I don't have a life other than being with them, angry that I don't know how long my "real" life will be put on hold, angry that life revolves around them with high expectations that I will be there for their every need, angry that they won't be open with me about their expectations - just wanting me to be there and take the hints to "fix" whatever needs fixing. But I CHOSE to be here with them. I really believe that's what God wanted me to do. So why do I go through these same feelings EVERY single time I come back and get suckered into them before I even know they're creeping up?

I was sick last weekend with a head cold and wanted to protect them. So I stayed away for 4 full days, not the usual 1 1/2 - 2 weeks. But I still felt the same way. I know it's got to be tough on them when I am not showing love and patience. But eventually I work through the feelings and settle back into a routine that gives them what they need and love.

They are always so thankful for every little thing I do, whether it's helping my dad buy something over the internet or changing a light bulb. My mom makes comments about how ever can I be so patient with them, how they would be in assisted living if it wasn't for me.

Does anyone else go through this? How do you deal with these feelings that tear up my gut and make me feel so awful?

I am so thankful to have this place to open up about things! I have tried to talk to one of my 3 sisters about this, but it really doesn't help me. She needs to keep her relationship with our folks unbiased. She brings in a fresh laugh with my mom that might be squelched if I always share my feelings & frustrations with her. So here I can be frank about my own issues without hurting my sisters.

Book, not b err ing on here so much, i have missed some of what's going on with you...but just know I am alzo thinking of you and praying this phase is shortlived. Be good to yourself, and remember to breathe! Love you girl!!!

Book, take care and one hour at a time.