The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Book I am with your other friends here -get yourself help please-the stress you are dealing with is much too much-call your brother have him take you to the hospital and he can set up how to deal with dad-I had a very good friend her family expected her to do all the holidays garden big time and work and care for her own family-they said Maria is strong then Maria had a stroke and died.

Take care Book. I am sorry there is such poor psychiatric care where you live. Where I live, the psych ward at the hospital has a much better reputation than the mental hospital does which has been in the news within the last several years in less than a positive light.

Be well, my friend.

I'm sorry. I need to make clarification. My suicidal thoughts are not like normal people's. I have, since elementary age, always had suicidal thoughts. I have tried throughout the years in middle school to current trying to kill myself. My problem is that as a dysfunctional childhood, I have blocked out most of the bad stuff. I have experienced several times when the ME is in the background, watching me beating up my brother. Or if cornered by a male,my vision literally blacks out but I can still hear. When my vision clears, my nephew is against the wall. It seems I hit him so hard that he flew and slammed against the wall. The one that deals with terrible stuff that the real ME cannot handle. And so even if the real ME has tried several times to kill myself, the Other me always jerks the car back onto the lane, etc....
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With that said, Both of my past therapists reassured me that even though I have these suicidal thoughts, that they don't think I will do it. I asked them if they're sure. They're very sure. So, Babalou, it's okay. These 2 therapists have met me in person, spoken to me. And both believe that I would not kill myself.

I didn't want to worry you all. I always do an internal check to see what my thoughts are about suicide. Only one time did the Other me made a firm decision that I will kill myself on Friday with the current 'plan'. I didn't want to die. And I was terrified that I would do it.

Cmag - no our psyche ward is not attached to the hospital. It's down the hill. And run differently. I've heard stories about that place. Night all...

Book, my wife has been in various psych wards at different hospitals since 2000, but has not been in one for 4 or 5 years. Each one was different. Some, we liked better than others. It normally is a floor in a regular hospital and not like going to some of these mental hospitals which I have heard various positive and negative stories about in the news. My wife has always been helped and usually come home after 3 days.

Please, do get yourself the help you need today, this morning!

Love, prayers and hugs!

Book; just go to the neurologist tomorrow and followup on what s/he tells you. In my nonprofessional opinion, you need to be under medical care. I'm sorry that you can't see you way clear to go to a behavioral health/mental health place and get your seaonal depression treated.

With regards to your father, someone else in your family needs to take over his day to day care. If you don't call someone in your family to do this, you are going to wind up one of the statistics that we all quote to each other; one in three, just like Chicago's sister. You can't force your father to accept medical care, but YOU CAN cease to bat your head against that wall.

Book, in my business, when someone is having suicidal thoughts, we ask if they have a plan. You clearly have a plan, and being the planful person that you are, you are researching that plan. This is very dangerous territory, this suicidal depression place. Please know that we love you, that you matter to all of us and that we want to see you get the help and rest that you so richly deserve....and need. Book, please take care of yourself today and always. Love, Barbara

Thank you. I'm officially (in my book) going through one of my yearly severely depression. I woke up this morning so stressed out - couldn't sleep. My mind was frantic - all over the place. And yes, wondering if my chosen method of suicide is as fool-proof as I thought. I realized not. Found myself tweaking the details. Realized what I was doing, and quickly changed the subject - to work. Which stressed me out again. I came on here and read your encouragements and the emotion in it. I started crying.

Glad, thanks. I completely forgot to breathe. I did it this morning. Then when I was at work, went to the restroom, I became teary. Again, did the breathing.

Veronica, you made sense. and was able to stop my frantic mind.

No one can force dad to the ER. I've gone through this before. I called 911, APS, gone to the elder law attorney and even dad’s insurance. I was told he has a right to refuse medical service. I would have kept spinning my wheels. Except several of you told me firmly that if Dad has pneumonia, the pain will force him to go to the ER. And you all were so right.

Babalou, I won't turn myself in to a psych ward. When I was in therapy, my therapist wanted me to promise to call her or 911 if I became suicidal. I asked her what would happen if I called 911 or went to the ER. She hesitated. Then she said that I would be in lock down for 3 days. I asked her if I would be locked down in the hospital. She paused and then shook her head. I asked if it's at the mental place? She nodded. I told her straight out that I would never go to the hospital or call 911 on that. I've heard stories of what happens in those psych wards. And to be involuntarily locked in there for 3 full days? No way. The therapist did not refute that. Nor did she push it.

I went home for lunch and there was no food to eat. I quickly turned on the Kindle to read here. Got some encouragement from you all. (Thank you) I got in my car and drove to the nearest Circle K mart to buy those ready-made sandwich. As I was driving, I felt something going down my right face. I reached up to wipe it off - and found it was wet. I didn't even know I was crying as I was driving.

At Circle K, my cell phone rang. It was the neurologist's office calling me to set up a consultation for tomorrow morning. By the time I got to work, I was numb. I walked into the office, grabbed the notes on the NCL client, and told my boss that we need to talk. I told him that I am very stressed from home and it's affecting my thinking ability. How I'm having problem making decisions. I told him of my almost daily headaches. He looked surprised when I said that I've had a catscan and an MRI done but nothing. So, now I'm seeing a neurologist tomorrow morning. I brought up NCL and told him what the client said, what I said, etc… I then told him that I’m having problem with it. I cannot think. Every time I look at it, my mind goes blank. He said to give it to his wife (who is still out sick.) So, I emailed the client and followed it up with a phone call.

I was so relieved when I didn't get The Bad Depression last year. Well, I’m going through it now because the crying bouts, the strong suicidal thoughts. chest pains. I’m so tired. I was amazed how calm I was to every phone calls at the office and with dad.

Babalou, I Know what you mean about you and the kids. I didn’t go to the psych ward. I literally cried my fears with my social worker.

I have to agree with the other comments. You have been an amazing caregiver to your parents and sometimes your siblings for longer than anyone I know.
You however have finally reached your limit. Your health is being affected and despite the culture that wants you to take care of your father you need to finally step aside and let someone else do it. Your siblings seem to have taken advantage of your kind and generous nature. You have to be the priority now. You need to get away from everything you have been dealing with both at home and at work. You have been burning out at work and it's surprising but then again perhaps not that the bosses have not recognized this. I and many others on this forum will provide you with emotional support if you let us.

Book, I agree with all the others here. You have to take care of yourself first. That is not being selfish, it's being realistic. If your siblings won't take responsibility for their father, then a social worker will have to step in and take over. Perhaps he will have to go to the hospital or a Care Center. They do have places for respite care, also. You are on overload and need a break.

Book, I'm with the crowd here. You are too close to the edge to be caring for someone else. Call oldest brother. Get yourself to a hospital and tell them that you are having suicidal thoughts. I did this myself 33 years ago, checked myself into the psych ward because I was trying to figure out how to kill myself and my 2 little daughters without anyone being angry at me. You can do this Book. You have to do this, my friend. Only you can save your own life.

Book, get Dad to ER, then tell them to call your sibs, or find him care somewhere else, that you are no longer able to do it.

Book come here and get a hug and have a good cry. What is the worst your bosses can do to you if you stand up to them and tell them to give you the respect you deserve. Fire you? You are thinking of quiting anyway. They won't fire you because you would be able to claim unemployment and that would put their rates up. Go in on Monday morning which I guess it is already and tell them you are taking the next week or more off for mental health reasons and then go staight to a psych unit and check yourself in. If you don't want to do that on island get a ticket to Hawaii and check yourself in there. Call eldest brother on your way to the airport and tell him he has to take over Dad before you are driven to kill yourself. I imagine in your culture suicide brings shame on a family. Tell him to get oldest sister the help she needs too. Let your state health people know what you are doing and that Dad has a UTI and needs to be hospitalized till you are well enough to return. It's that or kill yourself and you would not be there in either case.
All your friends here would rather get your next message away from all this. i don't expect they have Internet in Heaven and as a newbie you probably would not be allowed acess till you had settled in. Now get to it I don't want to have to come over there and drag you out by the hair. Huge Hugs. You have suffered enough.

Book, stress. Breathe! Find a nice quiet spot to sit and read, not at home. It may be time to look for other work, or at the very minimum you need a vacation, now! I do not know how you have done all you have for your folks for so long. It is time for you to take care of you. Find other help for dad. I know how strongly you feel about continuing the care of him but, not even God would want you to continue with all you do at the risk to your health. If you hadn't been there for so long caring for everybody and everything things would have been much different years ago. Time to take care of YOU!

They're perfectionists. They're very stressed out. They're nitpicking my emails to customers, my responses to customers, HOW I say things to customers, how I don't remember this or that, etc... The NCL is the last straw. They can be forgetful. I can't. I should know better. I'm so stressed. I cried while showering. Calmness came on me when I decided that I need to quit this job. Even though I need the money. It's tearing what little self-esteem I have. I get it from dad when I come home, then now at work. Trust me, every single thing they have been nitpicking on me. When my boss was using that same tone to his brother on Friday, my heart started beating fast. I was feeling empathy for his brother. Scared for him. That's how bad I am. My reaction reminded me of the time when my dad was hitting me in the head. The fear of being hit again. My boss' may not physically abuse me, but I sure react as if I am. I realized while showering that I might have a nervous breakdown if I keep this up. I can't eat. Can't sleep. And worse of all, suicide thoughts are trying to enter my mind. I'm fighting from all fronts. And I'm terrified of quitting - my job or me. But I'm also terrified of getting a nervous breakdown. I really, really cannot think or make decisions lately. Fave sis came to visit. I couldn't even figure out to throw this or that junk or not, where to put this or that. I finally snapped at her because of indecision. "I don't know. I don't know." I had to walk away. Too much decision - even for housecleaning.

With regards to NCL, the boss will say why did I go through all that if they already said they wanted the cheapest? The cheapest is to do it themselves. Or the boss will say, why didn't you say this or that while the woman was here? (As if I know to do that!) Or, why are you wasting your time on this? How difficult can it be? It's always - darn if you do and darn if you don't. or I didn't do enough or I did too much. On Friday, I told a customer that it's best that she comes in to fill out the China visa application. After I hung up, my boss said, "You need to tell the customer that they have to come in to do the application." I said, "I did." He said, "No, you said it's BEST to come in. No, she MUST come in." You see what I mean? They Nitpick everything I say or write.

It's just that the NCL is like that last card piled on that fragile card house, and now it's wobbling and ready to fall. You all freeze and hope that no wind or anything will knock it down as it wobbles. Waiting for the cards to settle and not fall apart. That's how I'm feeling right now. They've been nitpicking me for several months now. I'm just so afraid of making any decisions or Saying anything and get their criticism. And that's just work. Dad might have UTI AGAIN. Odd caregiver is giving me bad vibes. Oldest sis is going mentally unstable. And I just want to hide somewhere, cry myself out, and never ever come out again. Did I mention I'm soooo forgetful I have difficulty with short term memory? I hear the word May, I write down March, etc... Stress? or Alzheimer?

Book, with regard to NCL, are agents allowed to call the customer service number? I have found them to be extremely helpful. From what I know from my friends who've booked with them through agents, travel agents like yourself can get them extras like a bottle of wine on arrival, shipboard credits or a free excursion, but not necessarily a better price.

I just posted a long vent here. I didn't submit it. Too personal. Too embarrassing. Too ashamed. I'm such a weakling with no back bone. I'm so stressed out, I can no longer think anymore. I'm too scared to make a decision. Don't want tomorrow to come....

Oh, the caregiver said, "I'm hungry! What's to eat?" I sat there shocked. We don't have food stamps. Food is always last when it comes to my paycheck. I did buy corned beef hash fried rice for $8 at Denneys. But that was my sister and I's dinner. I paused trying to figure what I can offer her. After her 4th time to ask what's to eat, I offered our dinner. She said Ramen would do. So, I gave her my late night snack Cup-o-Noodle. When I told oldest sis this, she laughed. You see, we don't really have much food here. For 2 nights in a row, my dinner was a small can of tuna with mayo, eaten with rice and 1 hard boil egg from dad's stash. Tomorrow is just going to be chili dogs - 1 for lunch, 1 for dinner. Unless fave sis drops by with food. I guess I better stock up with Cup-o-noodles for my respite caregiver.

I forgot to say, that she finally left here at 8pm!!!! Finally! I shouldn't sigh of relief yet. Who knows whose next to visit us....Well, 9pm. Time to change dad's pampers.

{{{chuckling}}} While niece was here, the aroma of poop started wafting in the air. It smelled awful. And you know, my nose doesn't work most of the time. So for me to smell the poop - it must be really really stinky. I stopped talking, sniffing the air, and looked at niece. I asked her, "Is that your baby who pooped?" Niece's nose wrinkles, and she said, "Nope." And her eyes went to grandpa. I said, "Oh, man! I was hoping it was your baby!" Niece replied, "I bet it's harder to clean (eyes went to grandpa) than a baby." Yeaaaaahhhh.

What a tiring day. It all started at 12:01am. My dad was wide awake. I was worried because if he's still wide awake at midnight, that's a bad sign. Sure enough, he was still talking normally (not sleepily). Before going to bed, I changed the night lamp's bulb to 13watt. It emitted such little light .. I FORGOT that you shouldn't do this for those going through the road to senility.

5:00am, dad cannot see the clock on the wall because the light is not bright enough to see the clock. So, 5:00am, he keeps telling me to wake up. "Hey! Hey! time to eat.. Hey! J. Hey. J. " (He's calling my sister's name.)

"Go back to sleep dad. It's not time to wake up." Silence. then... "Hey! Hey! Get up. Time to eat." moaning and turning left / right trying to ignore him. I finally get up.

I come home early, 2:30pm because I'm so tired, I find myself nodding while shopping. I come home. And fave niece is quite comfortable on the recliner. She has a bad headache and her 2month old baby keeps crying. I can't stand babie's cries. So, I get up, took the baby cradled in her arms, sat down on my office chair, put the baby's back against my chest/tummy, and started swinging myself left and right. At the same time, carressing the baby's legs, up her tummy and chest, spread to her arms up to her head. The baby stops crying. I have learned from my years of babysitting as a teenager - how to stop a not-hungry baby. Sensations. Just try it. A fussy baby, lying on the crib crying. Talk to the baby, smile widely and just start touching the baby all over. The feet, the legs, the arms, the chest, the side of the face. And they just love the light tap on the nose. After I calmed the baby down, I gave her back to mommy. Niece felt like venting about her mom. By 5:15pm, I was tired and wanted her to go home. So, I said, "Oh! You better go now while the baby has stopped crying. Her silence doesn't last long. You need to go now while she's quiet so that she doesn't cry on the ride home." Niece was not yet ready to go...... She finally did.

Not even one hour. I swear, not even 1 hour. My respite caregiver dropped by. She wanted to talk to me. You see, she's in a program for Caregivers. Since I'm always at work, she finally found me at home. And wanted to talk to me. I asked her if she noticed that my sister J has been different this past week. She said yes. She actually noticed it longer than this week. She asked me what makes me worried about sis. I said that when I look at her, she seems 'off'. She doesn't smile. Her eyes. Something's wrong.

She wanted to know J's background. When I was done, she said that my sister is keeping everything in. Her world is crashing around her and she's keeping it all in. She's really glad that sis has a home here because she's seen people like my sis homeless. I explained our house/land history and the spirits. How nephew said our house spirit are vicious. About the haunted middle bedroom that no family member feels comfortable going in. How I learned to NOT put sis there - like the first time she moved in - and her personality changed. You look into her eyes - and see nothing. Vacant.

This respite caregiver's mother used to be what non-locals would call a 'medicine' woman. Like me, the respite caregiver can sense the spirits. Not see them like oldest and my nephew. Caregiver told me that we must take sis quickly to the 'medicine' man. She could tell that someone had used sister's clothes to curse her. The curse was done when she was divorcing her husband. The caregiver can sense this spirit around sis. She wants me to take sis to the medicine man to undo the curse. The caregiver is willing to watch dad if I can go take sis. OMGoodness!!!! She said that sis is getting worse. Sis is now talking and laughing to the spirit - in front of people - no longer hiding it.

I've texted sis's daughter. Sis rarely goes anywhere with me. But she will go shopping and eating out with her daughter. I will need to sneakily talk to her daughter and plan a way to force sis to go to the medicine man.

As for dad, he made the mistake of making demands to the caregiver. She paused. Looked at him and said, "Mr. D - do you know why I'm here? Do you know in our office, if I said Mr.D - no one knows who you are. But if I say K's name, everyone knows who she is, where she lives. I'm not here for You. I am here for your daughter, K." I could tell that he didn't understand all that. He will still make demands to her.

I agree with all of the above!!!!Twin, you are there for her. I am sure you have already been giving her the consolation and support she needs thru this.
Book! take care of yourself!!!!!!!!

57 sometimes you do not have to worry what you say-just a hug and telling her you are there for her when she wants to talk and that you care-when worked sometimes just holding some ones hand was all that was needed.

Take care of yourself Book. If you are sick don't go to work if your bosses are staying home because they are too sick to work. If dad gets sick too he goes to the hospital and you go to bed. End of instructions. non negotiable you are too valuable to take chances. Hugs.

Boss wife been sick with heavy coughing at home for the past couple of days. My boss has been coughing this afternoon badly. I've been using the boss' computer (only computer hooked up to the scanner) for the past few days. I got home around 630pm. I was talking to sis when I suddenly coughed hard. Surprised me since it was sudden. It's now close to 11pm. And my throat is hurting. Yes, I have the flu shot. But ....

I will change dad's pampers. Take a shower. And go see if I can make me some Bigelow English breakfast tea. Yum.... Later...

57twin, my mom has had dementia for about 23 years. 13 years of that - she was bedridden. I don't even remember how many years of that was suctioning through the trache in her throat and feeding in the stomach tube. I just know that I was relieved that she finally died. And felt sooooo guilty that I felt like that. On the day mom died, we held the viewing at the hospital near the morgue. After the rosary, I went up to my aunty (mom's sister) and asked her if she blamed me for mom dying. She was so shocked. Then she gave me this huge hug and told me told me all that I did for mom. I felt good after that.

What I'm trying to say is .. just give your friend a big hug and tell her that she did great taking care of her mom. That you know that it wasn't easy for her but she was there for her mom all the way through. Etc... Also, an acquaintance gave me a handwritten note offering her condolences and a little 'gift money' in it. I still have the envelope and letter in my memory box. (Just like I have my very first classmate's bday invitation when I was in elementary - 38 years ago!)

Non religious is best.

Do you just want to offer your friend words of comfort or advise her on what to say to her Mom without using words like "The lord will help you through this"?

my friends mom passed away last night.
on the eye front I realized I was using my cats eye drops instead of the steroid drops. Both had pink caps and I never looked at the bottle!
Called eye doc right away and I should be good.

Gees, I hate using the kindle. I seem to skip some posters comments until I go on the laptop. I Didn't notice your comment Veronica. MRI takes getting used to. All that pulsing noise. I Swear I could feel the blood in my head was pulsing with the MRI. I hope you won't be needing more tests and that the MRI finds whatever the doctors are looking for.

Onedoor, I too liked Veronica's exerxise samples. Time to sleep.

Twin, I was told when both my mother in law and step motherin law were in hospice that when they begin to not eat, or drink, you should honor that. it is the body's way of shutting down. dont know if that would be easy to tell your friend. Just be there for her. If words are needed , they will come...you can pray for her and pray for the right words to say... Good luck. she is fortunate to have someone like you to care for her the friend) being by her side will mean more than words can say.

Veronica, I wisely went back several posts to the beginnngof the posts about Book eercising and I am going to write down your routine you gave her. I always say I am going to do that but dont have anything written down that I can do so I just sit!!!! tonight I will use your routine!

Book- do the exercises...gently and slowly like they are suggesting. it takes a while to builds up stamina and you DO have patience somewhere...just find it!!!!

Taking my mom to have lunch with my cousin today..should be fun. She does more for my mom than my sisters do!!! it is cold but not too bad outside here. NOthing like the folks north of here experienced this week!!!

Dad's 6mo dental checkup more cavities! Broken tooth will stay unless it becomes inflamed infected or more breaks off. It's not bothering dad. My sis on the other hand thinks its unsightly and I should get a crown or something. I said crowns are expensive and no dental insurance so all out of pocket. The broken tooth stays!
My cold is finally getting better. Appetite still so so which is okay with me.
Lastly some advice. A very good friend her mom is near death. Lung cancer despite not being a smoker. Today is refusing to eat. She is too weak to walk and has to use wheelchair. Has fallen as she wants to walk to bathroom. Cancer was diagnosed August so no healthcare POA.
My friend is not religious which I have no problem with and she knows that death is near for her mom. What words can I say to her. With my mom her death was sudden and unexpected. This sadly is a lingering that my friend knows she cannot change what will be happening soon.
Thanks.