This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Glad - that is so funny! I chuckled. During mom's Mass of Intentions, I admired these old ladies who had no problem doing all that up, down, kneel, etc.... My knees would have been hurting. (I cannot even kneel on the bed mattress - just the pressure of weight on my knees causes pain - no matter how soft the surface is.)
I woke up normal today. I had this great idea to try one of those exercise apps for every day situations. My stomach is expanding. So, I chose the exercise to sit on the chair, back fully against the chair, use your hands to grab the back seat, and then lift your legs up at 90 degrees, holding tummy in, count to six, then legs down. I felt my neck straining but Ignored. I should not have ignored it. When I was done, my neck was in throbbing pain. Which escalated as my day progressed. My headache would not respond to any of the painkillers. And I was frustrated around 4pm to realize that I could not remember doing this or that - this morning at work!!! Well... that exercise is out. Now I know the signs of neck straining that would lead to this terrible neck/headache. 8pm and still feeling miserable. My stomach has decided to join in the misery by making me feel nauseous.
On the day of my mom's death, my aunty started asking me about rosaries, etc.. OMGoodness. I was in shock and even if I was a Catholic, I wouldn't have had the answer to those questions. Older sis took over the arrangements. I agonized about attending mom's 'Mass of Intentions' (I don't know what that is, just that they say mom's name before the service starts - every night until mom is buried.) In the end, I went to mom's Mass of Intentions - and compromised myself spiritually.
Because I'm not Catholic, I made it known to my siblings that I cannot participate in the services. I sat in the way back of the church so that it's not so obvious that I was Not standing, kneeling, etc... I just sat there and watched, listened to the priest. On the day of mom's funeral, I caved in my siblings' insistence that I sit in the front row - where the immediate family belongs. I felt soooo uncomfortable when everyone stood up, kneeled, etc.. and I just sat there. I thought it was very disrespectful.
IF I was still very active in my religion, I would not have caved in. I would not have gone to the Mass of Intentions or be at mom's funeral mass.
You can think about what you're going to do in the future funeral. But that might not work. In the end, at the time it happens, you might have an inner conflict of the heart vs. the mind. Just as I never thought that I would enter a church filled with statues and sit there during services - I did do it when the time came. You can plan ahead but know that it can always change in the last minute.
57twin, I hope you get over with the cold. I hate colds. Especially when it’s time to sleep. Clogged up face makes sleeping difficult.
Hi Mandaj, yeah, when you read around here, that’s all you will see, exhaustion, stress, no life, no help, etc… Like you, when I found this site, I was seriously suicidal and even chose the day, and how to do it. Then I found this site. Like you, I swear God must have helped me. I read your words and I remembered thinking that, too. Strange, how I forgot it until now. “Feelings I never knew”… I know, I know. Feelings that make me feel soooo unchristian.
So, try to stop worrying and stressing about whether you want to go or not. Wait until the time comes, make the decision that is right for you. I understand completely what you are saying. Take care of you in the best way you know how.
OMG, this family is more strange every day!
The couch was bearable. I don't eat bread. "VAT? NO BRRRRRRREAD? Vant some toast?"
When I was ready to leave he got out his checkbook and was writing me a check.
"What are you doing, Dad? I don't need any money."
"I want to give you some!" he insisted. Ok. Fine. He looked up and then remembered the date. Then he looked up again. "What year is it?" Uh-oh.
"1950 something?" I went pale and swore to myself.
Yah, life at 95.
The topic of going home again. This usually passes but Its hard for me when this occurs.
Tell her what you have told us - that you want the best for her - but you are not feeling well and you need to take a few days off and let the nurses take care of her - and you talked to them to make sure they give her special attention while you are away.
Those anniversary reactions can absolutely throw you for a loop. No need to hate yourself. Give yourself a hug and permission not to jump at auntie's every twinge of fear or whim. she may not be fully rational, but that little time away communicates on some level that you have limits and can't just be abused and insulted (the statment about the money really IS an insult) continually without consequences. I once had to be told NOT to visit every day, and it was hard to skip days but it did make a difference and Mom learned she could trust the staff.
I'm SO tired of the delerium that causes my aunt to tell me how much she loves me one day, then threaten me that if I don't sit beside her all night long, "I won't get a cent of her money". I don't give a rats a$$ about money, I have my own. I look after her interests as we are the last of our lineage, and it's what I was brought up to do. Making it worse is the fact that in exactly 4 days, it will the the first anniversary of my fathers passing.. One incident I truly feel I will never come to grips with, I want him back so badly. :'(
I stormed away from her last night, saying "I love you, now go to hell" (Lord forgive me :( I was awful)... And I feel so guilty, but am still apprehensive about going back to her today. I feel I have hit my emotional limit as far as my heart goes... I want nothing but the best for her and have been hitting my emotional and physical threshold for days (I'm not in the best of health myself...)
While having me there is a connection to reality and only I have the true time to look after her every need (wiping her weepy eyes) giving her drinks every 5 minutes etc., I wonder if I am better off to just let the nurses look after her???
I cried like a baby last night, for me, and for the woman she used to be. I don't want to lose her, but for her to be this manipulating, spiteful, hate monger... I asked God to take her. 92 is an age I never want to reach... I'd rather jump in front of a bus than deal with what she is dealing with.
I hate myself today..... :'''0
I found out from this book, that if I had actually punched him while he was trying to choke me - that I would have gone to prison - for abusing an elderly. Because I have the option to call 911 or flee. OMGoodness! How terrible for all those caregivers who have to face this daily abuse. I'm waiting for dad to reach that stage that mom got to. That terrible hatred and anger - where I knew that if mom ever caught me, I would be seriously hurt.
And that is why I bought her book. Yes, I noticed that she had so much money and options. As I was reading the book, I felt myself stressing, tensing up. Anyway, it's 12:40am. Time to sleep. I'm trying to skip all those quotes but it's so hard because she keeps throwing it in all the time...
All that being said it was still a very stressful situation for her and she really had to persist to get the job done, get Dad locked up and prevent him doing further damage to Mom. Mom was so passive and would do what Dad told her and never utter a word against him although he put her at considerate risk due to his volativity. She loved her parents dearly but did not have the cultural beliefs you have that prevent you ever considering a locked memory care unit for your father. Hugs
The alternative is to just give her the information and see what she comes up with!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. A nurse advised her about when it's time to place the author's father (he has a horrible temper) in a facility, be sure to pick one that has a 'lock up dementia unit' because otherwise, when he gets nasty, most places will just kick him out & you have to take him home. If they have a lock-up dementia unit, they can separate him until they can get him properly sedated.
2. Her father refused to have an in-home paid caregiver. So she called her godfather, whose wife also is needing 24hr care to help. Godfather comes to visit, makes small talk, then admires her father's caregiver. Said that he cannot seem to find good paid caregivers like her father's. Asked if he was planning to hire her permanently. If not, he would like to hire her to take care of his wife. (Reverse Psychology.) It worked. Her father said that she's not available to be hired by godfather.
Slow going book. I guess I'm just not in the frame of mind for this. I'd sooo much rather read my fantasy books. Later...
She develops a wound from sitting and now back in the hospital. No longer knows where she lived at ALF and her home of 55 years. Hospital wants her back at a rehab. This is no longer an option. Her short term memory is completely gone and the stress of rehab is too much for her. ALF cannot take care of her. My dad at 90 can't take care of her. I am now so tired I can't think straight. Tonight at the hospital, she pulled out her catheter and her IV's and
was completely out of control. I am out of options. I hate to send her to a SNF away from my dad, but she is not safe at the assistant living facility. I had a plan to end all of this on January 10th, if they were both alive. But once all these issues came up, I was concerned that my son would have to take over. I would not wish this anyone. and definitely not to someone I love. I asked a question on the site -can you turn over the care of elderly parents over to the state or to some type of agency. My dad has a lot of resources - but wants me to handle everything by myself. I can't do this alone anymore. I am desperate for some help. Who would that be?