This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I hope everyone has that happy person inside of them and can reach in and grab it.
Happy New Year to everone
Happier New Year everyone!
Shilo and cmag - I hope your year has some improvement or happiness for you! I saw on the TV that laughter makes such a difference in us - if we can do it daily. Force yourself to laugh out loud - works just as well as one from the heart. I think I would feel ridiculous to do a forced laughter. I will just go watch that Ellen show with the haunted halloween YouTube video.
Veronica - I'm learning to appreciate the little stuff. Especially when I read yours and Ladee's and other caregiver's personal angsts that make daily life a struggle despite these pains. If you guys can handle it, so can I.
I'm finding myself becoming a bitter and unhappy person. It doesn't help that I'm gaining weight and I get disgusted with myself.
Keeping my goals simple. Be nice to everyone, exercise that tummy away, truly make that midnight snack a snack (and not a meal) and find laughter and gratefulness daily.
With that said, time to get up and start my day by changing dad's pampers. It's 7am and he has been quietly lying there waiting for me to wake up. Today, he's not demanding that I get up.
Most of all, I'm saving like crazy to have enough money to buy my ticket to the states ($2000.00). I need a vacation from caregiving and work. I just need to make sure all supplies, sitters, food are all taken care of before I leave. And if any emergencies happen - I tell them to call 911.
I'm trying to listen to Dave Ramsey on money managing. I've completed his #1 (Emergency Fund) and #3 (Unforeseen expenses/ covers 6 months of my current bills). My reward for meeting this - is this trip to Norfolk, Virginia in late June or early July. I have about $1000.00 more to go. My tax refund + my medical rebate of $150.00 will help me to reach it. (although I really should use these towards paying off my credit card and loan.).... Thanks, jenni!
Family visited today. I told them what I was doing yesterday - taking photos on my digital camera and transferring the pics to my laptop and then to the flash drive and CD. My next goal is to put in cloud but niece said that's not a good idea. Best to store it on an external hard drive, etc... Anyway, the nieces ended up going thru my albums taking photos of their childhood pictures with their cell phones. Baby bro's girlfriend was also taking photos of my bro and sending it to him via her cell phone.
My dad's sister called. Since my dad didn't want to talk to her, I decided to do so. We talked about getting old, the aches and pains, etc... Hmmm.. I do believe I got my aversion to taking any kinds of pills from her. We both do have a terrible temper. We both have a beauty mark (mole) on our face. Well, she's alone and is debating if she should come back home. I already know that her daughter here on island will not take care of her - like I do with mine. Aunty is debating on selling one of her land so that she can retire back here. And also give some of the money to her children. She admitted to me that none of her children will take care of her old age. So, I told her that if she plans to sell her land to Not Give any to her children. She should just stay there in the states and live in those senior citizen retirement places (AL). She had already looked into it and said it's too expensive. I explained why it is - that it's like a mini community with meals, entertainment, etc... And that when her money is running low, she can then apply for Medicaid, etc... She said what about the senior place here on island. I said that when dad had looked into it for mom , it was $9,000/month. When I told oldest bro about aunty wanting to move back home, he said that she is meaner than our dad. My eyes widened. My dad did some terrible physical abuse in our childhood. And his sister is worse than him?!!!
Would she be open to the idea of having caretakers come to the house? Is it her house or your house?
I hope that you can find some other ways for your mother to be taken care of so that you can have your life back and go back to working.
My parents have been without a dishwasher for a couple of years. They don't want to spend the money. They had new windows installed but only 5 instead of 20. Their lawn is filled with leaves, they use to do the raking/bagging themselves but this year they aren't physically able to do so, so they are waiting to find someone who will do the work for a couple of dollars.... [sigh].
They are saving the money for my inheritance.... I've told them to spend it on themselves as chances are they will probably outlive me [from all the stress].... they looked at me like my hair was on fire :P
I tried to explain to him his income vs his expense. I finally had to draw a chart for him to understand it. Now, he asks, "Do I have enough money to buy this or that?" If I tell him that we have reached the $1100.00 limit, he would ask me to buy it next month when his money comes in. This was a few years ago. He still remembers to ask if he has enough money.
By all means mom - continue to walk all over me. I am so sick of one minute experiencing this kind of behavior than honestly feeling sad for how alone and broken she is. A visit from her only child (that speaks to her) from 2 states away and she just continues to push me away. Feeling sick from this roller coaster. So sad that she is all alone, but what am I to do?