This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Vladius - any major move like you and your wife is doing is a bit scary. Especially when she knows her situation. I was touched that your wife was the one who brought up AL. Most people are in denial but your wife is facing hers straight on. I do wish you both a memorable and not-too-much stressful journey to Alaska. {{Hugs}} to both of you.
57twin, that was a very thoughtful gift - a photo of your father. Towards the end when my was still walking, most of her photos had this blank or mean look. There was one day, I caught her laughing so hard (because we were laughing), I quickly took a photo of her. I made several reprints of it. Blew one up and framed it. It's hanging in my bedroom. Every time I look at that picture of mom's full laughter, I smile. That's the mom I want to remember - always. {{Hugs}}
Red- yippee! Your arms are back. No more embarrassing situations now. You're back to being independent. A new start on a new year. Perfect timing.
I did stop in Christmas Eve after work for a few minutes and the director gave me an unexpected gift of a photo picture of dad sitting in the living room at his AL. I just about broke down as no one ever gives me a gift for no reason. I was very touched.
It's been awhile since I last typed. We have sold the House! We have decided to take one last adventure together and move closer to our Family. We are gonna do the Motorhome Class A drive to Wasilla, Alaska. That way we are closer to our Daughter and there's help closer if Linda needs it. She has no friends here and we have had enough of this location. Her memory continues to grow worse and such. This decision has a huge help-it lowers my cost-stress-and future issues due to states policies regarding property etc. and it gives us both a way to renew our senses. I have RV living experience and she camped for weeks at a time. The coach will allow her alot of conviences while travelling she needs . I will be documenting the trip daily for full video. I know and so does she it's a risk and is alittle scary but we will make it, and I will feel some renewal finally so I can continue to be the Loving husband and caregiver .. this came when she decided maybe she should find an assisted living place .. i said , well then why wait for the plan "after You" lets go mobile and move to Alaska where family is and IF the time arrives and thats what is needed, then we will all still be close and together. She is scared AND excited.. Wish us luck and Ill keep you all updated!! Merry Christmas to All, May the Light Bless and Keep You.
Shilo do not ignore that elephant sitting on your chest it is a very clear warning. if you don't listen you won't be sitting beside you mother holding her hand with your cold one. you willl be tucked in the next med hooked to monitors fighting your own battle.
Venting. Tomorrow is christmas and we will be having family over. They will set the food outside our long front porch. When I came home at 615pm, the dishes was still in the sink from 2 days ago. The kitchen trash is almost filled. The pamper trash is almost overflowing. After I changed dad's pamper, I washed all the dishes. Most of it was dad's dishes. What? Sis expects dad to wash his dishes? She cannot wash it? And 2 of those Lean Cuisine microwavable trays are hers not mine. I was so pissed off. I cannot do power play over this (or for sis - passive/aggressive) because tomorrow is our small party. So, I washed all the dishes, and emptied the overflowing sink strain. Ugh!!! Then washed the sink.
After changing dad's pamper, I showered. The sink, toilet and floor is awful. Before going into the shower, I poured some toilet cleaner in the bowl, sprinkled Ajax on the bathroom floor and stared at the sink. I don't feel like doing the sink. Showered. Came out, and started cleaning the toilet/floor. Then, I need to refill dad's water jar. Sis did not refill his water pitcher in the fridge. Darn it!!! I'm tired. 12:30am. Time to go to sleep.
Hmm.. I have the radio tuned in to our local language channel. (Nope, I don't understand 99.9% of it.) When it hit midnight, they started playing the Catholic Midnight Mass. Wow. Since when did they start this? Hmm.. Night, night.
I've been listening to the Dave Ramsey's CD in my car for the past 2 days. It's CD1 which concentrates on Savings and Emergency Funds. I've always been a saver from the time mom got me a savings account when I was in elementary age. I still have that same account. So, I passed Ramsey's #1 which is to have an emergency fund of at least $1000.00 (starting). By following his concept, that just took off some of my saved money for my air ticket to Virginia next year. He talks about #3 of having another savings fund. Can't remember which one is this one - spending? So if you want to buy a bed, don't use your credit card but your savings #3. I will keep replaying that CD until I can recall the important messages of it.
Goal to sleep early is not working. Goal to exercise is not working. Goal to avoid late night snacking is not working. By 11pm, I'm sooooo hungry! I need to buy peanut butter. Maybe it will work as a late snack sandwich.
I want you to know that I am thankful for you being you! When I let out the F word yesterday I immediately felt bad. My family never swears, never.
I think we all have a breaking point, and I have reached mine. Four years of crap, and you have been doing this so much longer.
You have been gifted with grace, and I admire that in you so much. I pray for grace, and wish my mother would do the same so she is not so awful to everyone. It is so darn hard. Especially this time of year.
It's 4:30 and it's dark out already. How is it on your side of the world?
I just want you to know that I think of you as an angel. You have so many struggles and yet you persevere in spite of it all.
I wish you a Merry Christmas in the spirit of Christ's love, for all you do. You are a kind and loving heart.
If there were more people like you in the world, it would be such a better place!
((Hugs back to you, Book!))
Suzie
I find myself in a rare place and in a very bad mood. Basically told my mom to F off yesterday. I put her puzzle book in the wrong order next to her socks on the dresser. Two freaking inches apart. She asked me to come from the kitchen to change the order of the socks/book. Are you freaking kidding me!!!
Hubby took a precious vacation day last week to get her to the optometrist. Finally got some new glasses ordered for her. No more walking on eggshells that her current 20 year old ones would break and she'd be totally out of luck.
So I picked them up for her on Thursday and the minute I took them out of the case to show her, she started having a fit. THOSE are NOT the glasses I picket out. THOSE are WRONG. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. She did this in front of a woman who works there that has become a dear friend.
I finally convinced her that they WERE the glasses she picked out. Gah! What a beyotch.
The sock and book thing was just too much yesterday. Hubs and I take her out to lunch every damn weekend. Believe me, there's other things I'd rather be dealing with, like getting our son ready for college, applying for scholarships, etc. I've had it up to my eyeballs with this woman trying to be nice and do the right thing. She is nuts and making me crazy in the process.
Yes. A little professional counseling is in my future, and setting more boundaries. I really don't care anymore if it makes her mad. My sanity is worth more than her pouting.
And yes, I agree about the insipid Christmas songs. I heard the one about how it's the most wonderful time of the year today and wanted to throw things. Bah humbug!
Sending hugs, angels, love and chocolate....