This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
As for the crying, I was puzzled why I didn't cry when she died, at her funeral, etc... Even with the Viewing, I felt Nothing. I have 7 siblings. In public, in front of the church, my siblings stood there somberly looking at mom, few tears. I was just so restless. I couldn't stand still. They tried to force me to come to mom, touch her, and say some last words to her. I refused. I have always believed that the time to say your last words to someone is when they're alive and can hear you. Why say it when they're dead? Kind of late to say it when mom's lying in the coffin, is what I think.
Wantingtime, do you know when I Finally Cried? Just this month. 21 months later. Mom's birthday just passed. But, with the days leading up to her birthday, I was remembering mom's funeral. I kept replaying the events leading up to her burial. I finally couldn't hold it in, and posted here on AgingCare.
A poster read my post and sent me a HUG. I read it, and it opened the floodgates. I cried and cried. When I was done, something was lifted off my chest. I finally realized that this was the Tears I had held within all these months. I never got to mourn mom, the kind of mourning that releases the pent-up emotions within, because I was just too exhausted and numb from caregiving mom all these years. I never got to truly mourn because my dad was getting more senile and demanding more attention, etc...
I just wanted you to know that it's normal for us caregivers to not give away to tears like one does normally. We have been there when our parent was slowly losing their personality, bit by bit. And each bit lost, we mourned the loss. When death finally arrives, we're numb. And if you have noticed (well I did with mine), we don't react the same way as our siblings, etc... I'm sorry. {{{{HUGS}}}}
I know what you mean about all the freaking cheerfulness and good will. Every time someone tells me Merry Christmas I cringe and think try walking a mile in my shoes. This weekend I was able to get away and am spending time with my kids. Gosh that is the second time in a month. The time is hard to lineup because of the need for other caregivers. Tge caregiving wears me out so, I don't even feel like putting in the effort to line someone else up. And I don't even have to be the one to do it, sib POA, control freak that she is was ordered by the court to do her job. She is struggling daily and just beginning to realize how difficult she has made her own life.
Truth is that she wasn't going to GET any better...she couldn't do rehab with the Alz being as advanced as it was.
So they put her on a morphine drip and called hospice. They told us it could be up to 30 days but not likely to be more. She died that Tues morning.
I haven't cried. I think I am just numb...we were so exhausted and stressed...
now I am sitting here thinking what do I do now? I am half afraid of falling apart...that the crying is just waiting to attack me when I let my guard down.
My sister fell apart...cried and talked. She felt guilty for putting Mom on hospice, but I agreed with her...there was nothing we could do.
My brothers have not been around, of course. One came to the visitation, stayed for five minutes and left, another came and refused to come in..just wandered around then left without telling anyone and one called to ask the funeral home to wait on him cause he was late...arrived an hour and half AFTER the visitation was supposed to be over and stayed five minutes then left.
I don't want to fall apart. But I feel so blistering alone right now.
Do you know how tricky the food suppliers are at getting you to buy their products? I always knew that just because an item on the box says it's 'made with whole wheat' or 'source of fiber' or 'good source of potassium' does not necessarily mean it is. What they do to process the food is most of the nutrient to avoid the food from getting moldy fast. Then they add flavor and other ingredients to make it live longer, to have texture or to look good (to persuade you to eat it). When done, they then add synthetic Nutrients - so that they can claim it's healthy food (fiber, whole grain, potassium.) That's where your ingredients on the label comes in. The longer list of ingredients and how unpronounceable it is -means it's more a processed food than natural ones. Like you said - best not to eat it.
Migraine is also linked to strokes - just having it not even if untreated. Another side benefit is not buying all those prepared foods and take out. desperate for dinner after work. Boil a couple of eggs eat an orange and a slice of toast lightly buttered. Eggs are not as bad as they are made out to be as long as you don't eat two every day and they are pure relatively cheap protein. A little butter is better than a lot of margarine which is loaded with all kinds of chemicals.
Remember the ad? If you can't pronounce the ingredients don't eat it. Well done Book you have got your head out of the sand
"According to the World Health Organisation (W.H.O), adults with an average BMI should eat about 25g of sugar per day - that's the equivalent of about six and a quarter teaspoons." (Huffington Post, August 9, 2014). And from JAMA, the Journal of Internal Medicine "But recent studies have linked the sweeteners directly to high blood pressure, high cholesterol, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, liver cirrhosis and dementia, among other chronic health problems". Six teaspoons? I never add sugar to anything but I am sure I must get it from any variety of foods. Americans consume, on average, 156 pounds of sugar each year, also from W.H.O. and your favorite ice cream?
Häagen-Dazs Ice Cream, Vanilla
1 serving (1/2 cup/106g)
Sugars, total: 21g
Calories, total: 270
Calories from sugar: 84
One teaspoon of sugar is approximately four grams. A can of Coke contains 44 grams of sugar. That's 11 teaspoons?! Gross, like drinking Karo syrup!
Dementia! Makes me wonder about sugar's role in partially causing dementia. My Mom has been a sugarholic a good part of her life. The crazy woman used to slice up bananas for breakfast, pour milk over them, then load on the sugar. Naturally, I did the same as a kid. What did I know?! And even now nearly every morning Mom asks for sugar for her cereal, strawberries, just about anything that we have for breakfast. Sometimes she gets very agitated because I tell her we are out of it.
She used to go to bed with Jelly Belly's, President Reagan's favorite.
What really hit me - shocked me - was that I buy for dad those small grape juices in a box that you would put in your child's lunch box. Did you know that one box of that juice has the same amount of sugar in a can of soda? I did not realize this. My dad's family tends to get diabetes. I am unknowingly setting him up for diabetes in the near future. Oh no! I have a feeling that I might have to take out that brand new unused still-in-the-box Magic Bullet to make for him healthy grape juice, etc...
I laughed at your comment about knowing who really loves you by those who are still there helping you. That is soooo true! When I used to attend my weekly spiritual food on Sundays, there was a talk/sermon from the speaker about the different kinds of people in the congregation. I thought of this when I read your post. I will tweak it a bit to fit our caregiving situation.
There are different types of people.
There is the sailboat - who only sails in good weather (or friends who only know us when we have no responsibilities like being a caregiver, and we go with the flow in life- bar, dance clubbing, weekend getaways, lunch and dinners out together.)
Then there's the submarine - they only come up for important events (friends/family you only see at special occasions like birthdays, weddings, etc..)
Then there's the tugboat - chugging along slowly and steadily forward, helping other boats along the way (friends/family who are there with all your ups and downs.)
Religious-wise, I'm the submarine. Caregiver-wise, I'm the tugboat. I'm not interested in water and the different vessels. So, as I was posting this, I kept wondering which one is oldest sis. She doesn't really fall in any of the above. Maybe sis can be the Row boat (I made this up just now). She goes out when it's clear weather. When there's a typhoon, she's hiding in her bedroom (or in land.) After our first typhoon, I learned that sis will not stay out here to take turns with dad. Even if it is on a Monday-Friday. When I'm home, she's gone.
I'm trying to get the nerve to go back to the doctor and say that the spray is not working. Well, it does but it gives me headaches. So, I stopped using the spray. Are all nasal sprays scented? I can't stand the aroma on this one. Reminds me of some kind of flower. And I don't like the scent.
Glad, I think I'm doing that twister wrong. My knees started hurting this afternoon. I'm back to watching the videos over and over - just observing the knees movements.
Other fave niece passed the nursing course. Today, they have their certificate ceremony. She asked her stepdad if he would do the honors of coming onstage and do the pinning on her collar. I'm so proud of her. She's going to be the first nurse in our whole family as in uncles/aunties/first cousins. Time to sleep...