This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Goldengirl, I can tell that you are done, too. I was wondering what other options were there for you. You're in the same place many of us are, needing to get some joy back in your life. I wish I could figure out a good way to do it. Driving a new car to a new uncluttered house of my own might do it for me. :) What a sweet thought that is.
that she got back up and dressed again because she thought it was morning.
He wanted me to come back and help her back to bed. This time I suggested that she rest on the couch and he put some blankets on her. Apparently that worked - she went to sleep on the couch and I was up the rest of the night. Taking care of one person is challenging - taking care of two is like Mission Impossible. The exhaustion and isolation is overwhelming. One day at time is all one can reasonably do.
I think my Dad comes from a generation where the men didn't ask others *how are you doing?*. It was always the women being Florence Nightingale, and heaven forbid if Florence got under the weather. One could be on what feels like their death bed and someone will ask "when is dinner?" :P
Mom: hello
Me: Hi Mom
Mom: hello?
Me.: Mom can you hear me?
Mom: let me hit boost [button on phone to make the sound louder]
Me: Mom are you there? Hello. You don't need to hit boost every time you answer the phone.
Dial-tone [she hit the wrong button again]
I speed-dial their number.
Repeat, rinse
sigh.... I'm typing now. It's 1015am, and I'm already getting so tired and sleepy. I guess I'm still not ready to post here on AC. I was wide awake when I came on here. Now, I feel so exhausted. I'm going to stop now. And take a quick nap. Which I really rather not do because I have so much to do. Figure out my checking balance, pay off the bills which I've been putting off, etc...
A few weeks ago, dad started stuffing napkins inside his pants. This morning, I found his first stuffed napkin - inside his pamper!
It's so strange when oldest sis talks in sentences. She is soooo quiet. It's so strange that she now offers me her food. Before, she would hoard her food. Is it because she sees I'm being nice to her? Our lunch is so little. No matter how hungry I am, I always leave her half of it. Except that one time I was sooo hungry that I asked her if it's okay if I finished the food and not leave her any. Yesterday, when I came home, she actually gave me a Hormel Salisbury Steak microwave meal. I was so touched. It helped with my irritation of her passive-aggressiveness. Between work, dad and her - I've been stressing a lot.
I can imagine that it must have got under your skin, having endless rellies telling you what was what when you were already doing your best to look after your mother. It's so easy to tell other people what to do, isn't it? - much harder for them to get their own hands dirty. But nowadays, with so much more experience under your belt, just remember that people can be as free as they like with their snotty opinions - doesn't mean they're right, let alone that you have to agree with them!
Those silent calls are a menace; and yes they are from direct marketing companies whose automated systems dial dozens of numbers at a time and then allocate them to operators in the call centre. Where in the world do you have to go to escape them? I'm registered with every mail and telephone preference service I can think of, to screen out unsolicited sales calls, and still get them. I've tried just hanging up, I've tried being sarcastic, I do try never to be shouty if there's a person on the line because after all it's not their idea to drag me out of the shower or whatever I'm doing, very very occasionally if I've got absolutely nothing else to do I play along and ask lots of 'innocent' questions until I get bored. But what I really want to know is, who is it who signs up for services from these wretched companies? Because somebody must do. If they weren't making any money from direct sales they wouldn't be doing it. Whoever you are, please stop it! You're just encouraging them!!!
The calls that bother me the most are the ones that happen at night. For a while I was having to leave our phone off the hook because we kept getting calls with no one on the other end every few minutes. We aren't on anyone's hit list, so I imagine it was a soliciting company gone awry. We're on every do-not-call list, even for nonprofits, but it doesn't do any good -- especially when the companies call from outside the US.
I'm in my bedroom getting my blankets and pillows to take to the livingroom. My phone starts ringing. I answered it. No sound. Dead noise. I've always been a scaredy cat from watching all those horror movies while growing up. I started thinking the boo-ga-loos are playing tricks on me. What if I picked it up and a scary voice comes on. So I tried to ignore it while my heart was speeding up from fear. The phone kept ringing. I closed my door to hide the sound.
Here, 20minutes to type this on the kindle.
I have recently found out from several family members who are babysitting - only because I brought it up. All these months, they all kept quiet about dad accusing me of stealing from him. To them, he does NOT say, 'SOMEBODY...' He says my name as the culprit. I was shocked. And hurt. And scared. The whole emotions. Then, I meet my cousin and uncle, heard what grandma did to her caregivers - which resulted in them going to court and defend themselves to the judge. I have always, always been a 'go with the flow' person. Don't rock the boat, don't wander off from the group, etc... So, I'm panicking as he blames me for things missing.
Yes, I will admit that I do get so defensive. I got like that because when I was helping dad caregive mom, I had relatives and inlaws and nonfamily people Tell Me that I need to do more! I was shamed by my elders to feel such a slacker, a hanger-on. I got all the lectures - not my 7 siblings. I mean, really, for a govt caregiver to ask my bro-of-next-door about me? I guess even then, my dad was blacklisting me behind my back.
We don't argue much any more. I've basically withdrawn from him, from everything. Every time I come here on AC, I suddenly feel so exhausted, brain gets all fogged up. I try to read here, and I get sooooo tired. Tonight's the worst. Even as I'm typing this with my eyes half closed. Lastnight, when I felt energized, I got on here. And suddenly I'm so exhausted. So, weird. I guess it's my subconscious mind.
57twin, I'm now scared to order too many of those creams. I never thought of the adverse effects of his over-using it. I know he went overboard with the Salon Pas. The nurse told him that he's not suppose to put it all over him. Dad didn't care to listen. He knows best.
Gosh, I keep yawning harder and harder. Time to get off here. And it's only 1030pm. I go shower and eat some ice cream. You know, chopped pecan nuts look so much like chopped walnuts? I didn't read the pkg and bought the pecan thinking it was walnuts. Walnuts makes ice cream taste soooo much better than pecans or almonds... another big yawn... Night all. I hope you have a better day today than yesterday.