This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
not worth destroying your wheel rims for
The only way I will say this is like caring for a baby is the fact that if you take your elder anywhere for a trip that involves an overnight - or longer - stay, you have to pack half the house, it seems! I'm still unpacking from our 2-week trip more than a week after returning home, and I have many things I can't find...feel like *I'm* the one starting to lose it a little....
After a long day of trying to work (I work from home), watching mom just sit in her chair in front of the tv because she won't do anything else - not even walk into the kitchen to get herself a drink or a snack (even though she's capable of doing so), listening to her repeat the same things over and over, reminding her to take her pills, reminding her to change her incontinence pad (and then doing the "bathroom dance" with her, because she forgets to do it, comes out, I ask about it and she goes back in, then come out again having STILL not done it), doing endless loads of laundry caused by her wetting her protective chair pad and bedding and clothing....
Trust me, I get it. Most of us here do. We completely understand, and any time you need to vent, you go right ahead and vent.
This is why I love this site. When I read other people's experiences, I don't feel so isolated. People will say, oh this must be like taking care of small children. So wrong. When you raise children, it is like a seeing a sponge expand and grow. Taking care of elderly parents, is like seeing a sponge shrink and dry up.
Nothing like taking care of children. So much more difficult and many times very sad.
I will need to come back and continue reading. It's 920pm and time to change dad's pampers and then go shower.
Stressing. My car's engine light came on this morning. Then, because I was stressing that it would cost over $1300 (engine problem!??), I hit the curb while turning and dented my hubcaps hard into the rim. Now, when I'm driving, my car seems to shake sideways a lot. I will need to find a car repair to see if I just messed up the alignment (hopefully it's just the alignment and not... a damaged rim or something.)
today I took my folks to a local Amish farmers market..about 30 minutes from our house. they are from Lancaster Pa. They loved it!! Made them feel like "home" for a bit We took a friend of mine and her older hubs.. we all really enjoyed ourselves, and had lunch out. Got Dad some exercise this way too! And they both got to visit with someone.. they are pretty isolated here, away from all thier friends. And I feel for you Burnedout,, Dad keeps asking where their car went.. we tell him his granddaughter is using it until her car gets fixed ( she hit a deer).. He keeps saying "I don;t know who that is.." She stopped by tonight for dinner.. he has no clue who she is. Upsets her, but I remind her he has no idea who we are either!
Mom's not had a great week, memory-wise, and I've been doing more laundry than normal because of that. (She forgets to take care of certain personal hygiene items and then has accidents...we do the "bathroom dance" all day, with me reminding her and her going in and then forgetting and coming out, and having to go back in, then I finally go and watch her do it...) So I'm trying to make the best of it and keep her involved in things, but she's slowly slipping down that slope towards incapacity, despite my best efforts. Unfortunately, that's inevitable.
College, can you warm up a heavy blanket and wrap it around Mom's shoulders and legs? My mom loves it when I bring her freshly-washed and dried sweater or a blanket directly to her out of the dryer, nice and warm, and put it around her shoulders. Might help alleviate the "cold" feeling a little.
I put up our Halloween decor today, stickies on the windows and dressed up the seagull statue I bought Mom this summer - I made him a little ghost costume out of a white floursack towel, complete with hole cut out for his beak. LOL Hilariously cute. Added some mini pumpkins and gourds around the base of his stand and ta-da! Instant Halloween decor. Need to see if I can make a turkey outfit for him or a pilgrim suit for Thanksgiving - ha! I've already got his Santa suit for Christmas - the stores sell wine bottle slipcovers for the holidays - one of them fits the seagull perfectly, complete with hat. I'm probably putting too much into this, but it entertains Mom and adds a little something to the house to have decor outside.
Had Mom put together the treat boxes for the Trick or Treaters coming tomorrow. We don't get many kids here for Halloween, so I splurged a little bit and bought treat boxes to fill with candy and small (cheap) party favors. I think the kids will love it. :-) Mom liked filling the boxes (and ate a decent amount of candy along the way, couldn't exacty tell her she couldn't have any with it sitting in front of her) - but a telling moment was when she tried to assemble the little treat boxes. They are just simple boxes that have to be folded a few times to be assembled, and a couple of tabs put into slots to hold them together - but she took one look at them and asked if I would put them together for her. Kind of sad, but I had a feeling it would happen. So I assembled the boxes and she filled them. I think it made her feel good to have something to do.
One thing I have noticed was years ago my elderly Aunt knew who I was whenever she telephoned me... but if I called her, she didn't know who I was even with a lot of prompting. I am being to notice that a wee bit with my ex-mother-in-law.
On a softer note, I'm so sorry for how you must feel about her losing these connections. Very hard. Hugs.
I had often wondered how I'd feel if she didn't recognize me, as she always said it made her cry when her mother was in a nursing home and didn't know her. Instead, I felt relief!!! She spoke to me like a civil human being. I found myself wishing she would stay in that state, so I could just be a friend who came to visit, and not the daughter she projects all her anger upon.
At one point a CNA who used to work for me came up and said "HI, Boss!" and we chatted a bit. Later I pulled her aside and told her that Mom didn't know me, and I wanted her advice about how to handle the situation. She suggested that I let her go to her apartment, and then knock on the door and perhaps in her own environment, she'd recognize me. I followed that advice, and sure enough I was met with a sarcastic "Well, this is an unexpected surprise." Later she said, "oh, I had dinner with a woman, who knows that CNA that you are friends with."
Honestly, I like being a stranger she will be pleasant to, better than being her daughter upon whom she projects all her anger, blame, frustration, etc.