This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
My ex-mother-in-law gave me a great idea about a gift... postage stamps... she started it with buying me stamps, and now I have been buyer her stamps [because I get more choices buying on-line] and buying my parents stamps. Lot of nice designs to choose from :)
It's not that I mind the thing itself, although frankly I'd have liked to have got it back because I really liked it, but it was a good lesson in thinking twice before getting durable goods for very elderly people. Apart from anything else, by the time you get to 90 you've pretty much got everything you really want, haven't you? I think the celebrations and attention from people who care you about are much more important.
In his mind, he has his priorities straight. He has 4 or 5 stocks that he talks about all of the time and he sounds very impressive. Ask him about anything else and he is at a loss. I really don't want to take over his financial affairs, it is all consuming for him and would be for me and it does give him something to do - but his fear of spending any money for anything is endangering both of them.
piggy banks for her and her 95 year old friend to use when they go to Bingo and win big. My mom had been going but stopped for some reason. When I got there on Sunday morning - she was sort of dressed and said she got up at 3:00 a.m. and didn't know what time it was so she got dressed and waited for 4 hours for my dad to get up. Then, she could no longer walk. I left to try to catch up on work during the day and got 10 phone calls - my dad lost the checkbook,
my mom didn't feel well, etc. When I got there Sunday night it was so sad. I know it is not about me - but it is terrible to watch my once smart and funny mother not remember if she ate in the dining room that day. I used to get so angry at an uncle of mine that would not visit my grandmother. She asked for him all of the time, when asked why he didn't come - he would say, "I can't stand to see her like this." I would always tell him - no one likes to see her like this - but she wants to see you. Get it together. Now I understand how he feels. People tell me how terribly sad I will be when I "lose" my mother. I feel like a lost my mother 2 years ago. So I am off to give a shower to my mom
and some help in getting her in pajamas and ready for bed. Lord knows - what their day has been like. I called to check in a couple of times but -of course sometimes they don't answer the phone - so what is waiting for me is always a big surprise.
You know from taking care of MIL to avoid all tripping hazards in the house and have a clear path between furniture.
When you get your arms back consider using a cane or even a walker when necessary. Don't try and use both hand to carry things. leave one hand free to steady your self. Map a course through the house where you can stady yourself on furniture. Have hubby put up rails and hand holds in bathroom and two rails on any stairs. When you are healed practice better balence. Hold onto the kitchen sink and stand on one foot. When you are good at this do it just keep a hand over the sink for an emergency grab. while holding onto the sink go up on your toes to help strenthen your muscles. You may be tripping because you are not picking up your feet high enough or because you are simply unsteady.Sorry but you have to get used to not being as agile as you once were. For myslf i do all the same things. Walk outside with a cane and use a cart in a store or hold onto the shelf. it's a new way of life but it is better to bury the pride and keep yourself safe. Hope you get better soon. no hugs cause i might hurt you.
The keyboard I have at work has one of those attachable hand rests that curve out at the bottom of the keyboard, makes it very comfortable :) As for the monitor, eye level is most recommended. The issue I have is with the computer desk itself, the pull out shelf for the keyboard isn't high enough so it is a tight squeeze to cross my legs under the shelf, thus I have caused some nerve damage to one knee... lowering the chair doesn't help because then I feel like I would bump my chin on the desk :P Getting older is getting more complicated then I thought !!
Then Dad wanted me to drive him to a certain store because the store has batteries on sale... hello, what part didn't Dad understand a couple weeks ago when I told him I had to limit my driving because of major panic attacks? Order the batteries on line. He doesn't want to pay shipping. He doesn't realize how much it will cost me.... [sigh]
I got maybe two hours sleep last night as the stress caught up with me :P
Fligirl, that was nice of your mom to ask. I think she feels that she's a burden and doesn't want to interfere or be a party-pooper. Whether she does join you or not, at least she knows that she's welcomed to join the activity.
My neck was back to hurting at work. I lowered the monitor to face a bit down and not upward - because I noticed that my head was also pointing up - angling the same as the monitor. I tried to push the keyboard away from me so that I can rest my hands - and my shoulders started hurting from reaching forward. I just have to keep playing around with the keyboard to find the right position. Right now at my laptop, I'm still typing with hands off the table. It's really hard to type and rest my hands. I will keep trying and trying.
I think any electronic ereaders are not for heavy duty reading for bookworms like me. No matter how much I try to dim the light, change the background, change the font size and the font... after hours of reading, my eyes are hurting. To lightly touch the eyeball causes such severe pain. I don't get that problem when I'm reading from a paperback. I finally finished reading the series. I'm going to look for a shorter ebook. It's just so rare nowadays for me to find a really good author who makes me laugh. Time to change his pampers. And need to remember to buy a bottle of calcium and leave it at work. I keep forgetting to take it after lunch.
If we all rally and get the word out thru agingcare here that I am trying to do this charity and alz assn is not available to help me___just maybe, maybe, those who can will book some space or at least put some money down for the sistahood.....So here goes I am winging it didn't want to have to do this but I don't want to lose all my hard work tomorrow at 11am pst.... so here goes, call royal Caribbean group sales....ask for the "HUMMINGBIRD HOUSE" GROUP sailing, western Caribbean, dec 20th.....Chose a cabin inside (no window) or outside (window) and up to 4 passengers per cabin...don't even know cost yeat cause they are being so difficult the cruise line that is, omg a whole nother story but I am still standing, and or apply payment and you have done your part and we could actually all be pampered this Christmas... k now I am done please let me wake up to a full ship!! it is our only hope! Or the media!!!
she is likely to refer you to a specialist and there may be another long wait. That has been my experience but I have partly put it down to being on Medicare.
There was this man who was fatally injured from a car accident. Our island is small. Word gets around. Family figured it was their relative (son? brother?) They went to the ER. The ER refused to release Any information. They didn't confirm or deny it was their relative. Hours went by as the they tried ways to see if it was their relative. Finally, hours later, they were informed by the hospital that so-and-so has just died. The family was so angry, they went on the radio to tell us. I wasn't surprised.
One man called the radio. He was taken to the ER by ambulance around 8am from the dialysis center. He kept asking for the ER to call his wife and let her know he's there. They refused. He asked for a phone and HE will make the call. They refused. About 8 hours later, they released him. And never did contact his wife.
My SIL's mother was in the ER. There was some major hissy fits between the nurses. The doctor in charge of the ER, ordered a lock-down. All non-patient persons must leave the ER now. Then they locked down for an hour. When they re-opened the door for visitors, SIL's mother said that the nurses kept yelling.
I do volunteer work at a regional hospital one day a week, and occasionally I've been in the ER with one of my parents. The ER is pretty quiet. Not sure what the rules are as to how many family members can be in an exam room, I've seen more than one person many times. The doors are also locked at our ER which has been that way since the hospital was built, and we are in a very quiet community..... it just gives the ER complex more control.... and keeps out those loud mouth relatives that think they know more then the doctors/nurses :P
Doors will usually be locked to all hospital entrances from 9pm to 6 am and everyone has to go in through ER entrance where there is usually a security guard. Ambulance patients are usually taken straight to a cubicle or room. the triage nurse will decide on the urgency of all ambulatory patients. Of course it varies from hospital to hospital and inner city area will have more security. Definitely not your on island situation but maybe they are trying to keep the spirits out. One never knows what local customs affect modern processes.
Book. Ahh new name for my family! Hellie rellies or HR! That way i can include auntie dearest with the twisted ones! LOL! And thanks!
I think my daughter would have *loved* to be able to tell relatives ("rellies" they call them) to scarper. If they're creating a real problem they'll be asked to leave and sit in the waiting room, but there won't be a formal system for corralling patients off behind locked, guarded doors. Maybe there should be!
In our local A&E in the UK, I've sat in a cubicle where doctors and nurses and the occasional lost member of the public actually wander through, using it as a corridor. No one seems to mind very much..?!
So, the question is... How will you avoid having POA control your life in every minute detail without POA using your mom to control you? Without giving up Your Life in order to see your mom? You're in a very tight spot, Brandy. Only you can know what it is worth to give up in order to get to visit your mom.
Subtlety. I think you need to research online on how to be subtly firm with POA when it comes to your life. There IS a way. You're just used to what you've been doing all these years.
I'm not much of an example in this situation. I cannot confront oldest sis. I tried counseling but just the thought of role-playing terrified me - that even the counselor noticed it. I dropped therapy after that. I'm not good at all with straight on confrontations. However, I'm very good at the sneaky, roundabout way of getting my way. Update: at least now, oldest sis is buying food - and is no longer hiding it for herself. She's been offering me her purchased food. I refuse to touch her food but I feel so glad that she's been offering it to me lately. Now I feel less stress that I have to support both of us with the little money I have to buy food. Now if she can just buy her own toilet tissues. We go through one roll per day. This also applies on weekdays when I'm at work from 815am-630pm. I know that I'm not the one going through those rolls of tissues.
Is your sister still helping you?
Does your dad behave like this towards her?
Isn't there some kind of Department of Social Services on your island?
If I were in your shoes.....I would seriously consider to start documenting
the way, and escalation of your dad's behavior. Certainly, I can feel by the tone of your posts that this is causing you lot's of stress, and although o.k., maybe the way you're typing is partly the cause, but you are being placed in tons of tension.
When the body is constantly tense, guess what? Muscles constrict. Added to that,
you do lot's of physical things to keep things going smoothly with the care of your
dad. I'm mad right now, too so I hope you don't take it wrong, but your father is one nasty old man! Maybe it's time for some third party to come in and assess things,
and hopefully someone could have a talk with your dad, or get him medically assessed. Maybe it's time for him to be medicated for that.
This is an incredible burden on you, so please try to take yourself into more consideration in the big picture. I find it ultimately shallow on the doctor's part too,
that he wouldn't even mention/ask you what other things you do like caring for your dad;, so as to be also be a determinative factor in assessing the cause of those headaches! I do hope you get another doctor.
Hugs,
Mu ch Love & Light! Margeaux