This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ya, Cap is invited, would love to see him pull up on Ike... I rode Harleys for 20 years...... but don't think I would insult Ike by busting his springs.... Poor Cap.... he would be needing some serious therapy after spending a few days with us.....
it sounds as though you mom is not too difficult I had to have a little chuckle when you mentioned how to put things to her. Quite right of course but I was thinking how some of the narcisistic abusiv patents would reply. "Course i don't want a bath you stupid little ******* idiot i've had two this morning already. Do you think I am stupid or something. did I raise a moron here. Why don't you find something useful to do with your life instead of hanging around here all day bugging me. now get down the road and get me a burger, i can'r eat that swill you cook" Sorry could not resist teasing you but your heart is so in the right place and i am just a nasty old lady with too much to say. Hugs.
Are you going to teach the donkey to drive ladee?. You can use him for transportation and get rid of all those car expences. How about a nice little donkey cart to hitch him to. tie him to a tree when you get to work and he can mow the lawn, then when the clients need a change of scenery take them for a little ride.
just remember they don't allow hoofed conveyances on the interstates. you will become famous in the neighborhood and someone might even post a picture on Utube and make the national news. ladee and her donkey on the evening news. then take him to the state fair and compete in the driving classes. He'd be very competitive in the obsticle class. They usually allow donkeys and mules not just horses. on cold nights some of your stray cats will probably sleep on his back on cold nights. We had one that did that and the horse did not seen to notice him.
I think the idea of a get together would be a real hoot. For one thing we did not know each other before we got old and grey or bent and fat and covered in wrinkles. that is the reason I avoid reunions. I see pictures of all these old ladies and find it really depressing. I can't really be that old. I was going to say no men but then we wouldn't want to leave the capt out, after all someone might need a tire changed!!!!!!!!!!!! Hugs
Always treat one with respect. Remember it may be you one day and it's hard for the person to be sick and lose their independence
Try to ask and not tell. .. hey mom can i wash your back for you?
The power of suggestion. Wow these vegetables i bought are delicious. You wanna try?
Pose things in a way that allows them to either make a decision or let them think they did. .. so mom want to take your shower now or later? Whatever is good for you. I found this empowered my mom and made her feel like she is in control
Talk for distraction during embarrassing times such as wiping after a bm, showing, changing a diaper whatever. I know mom feels humiliated do i try to make it as normal as possible and chat about anything but the chore at hand
And never belittle. .. hopefully this is obvious
Talk about a gratitude list !!!
And Ash, that's why I am trying to find a place in the country..... I think so many of us are so burned out from hearing someone WANTING something from us.... that being alone is my first choice...... but I will have room for company... and grandangels.... hey, we can have our caregiver 'get together' at my house... woot woot !!!
Judda, been there, done that, as have many or most of us. I too am happiest alone. Though we get on very well (even if my big dog wants to eat him, though he loves animals) after my muscle/helper guy has been about for 2 or 3 days in a row I'm ready to go hide under the bed!
Now hear this...13 years back I moved my parents from Vancouver Canada to the Cincinnati area via my Mini-van, and just as we entered the mountains West of Seattle, Mom said she'd be so glad when we get home tonight... took me several minutes to figure out how to answer that one.... and she sulked for a couple of hours after she heard my answer: ..." yes, dear, - 5 days from now we'll be there at night...we are still some 2500 miles away " (No way to fudge that one.) You see, it is next to impossible to fly a person that is almost blind, has cardiac issues, has late stage Parkinson's and severe osteoporosis, along with another person, my Dad, in the middle of dementia. Airlines get nervous about such things.
Besides there were items I did not trust the Movers to shuttle about, so the back of the Van was quite packed full...and father frequently shouted " You are on the wrong Highway "... as I had to occasionally switch interstates.
He once was a cartographer in WW II + he did try to read the map on which I had highlighted our trek.
But that's when I suddenly realized just how much worse his dementia had proceeded since my last visit to Vancouver 3 months earlier… and when I had to oppose his demands, his aggressive tendencies did arise worse and worse for several months, culminating in my having to call 911 at one point later, when he finally went out of control… at which point he was put on Haldol… a medication I did not really want him on, but had no choice - since aggression brings with it high Bloodpressure and a danger of strokes…
besides upsetting the whole family also.. a situation which my mother could not tolerate without serious effects on her health status…
I wonder if you can see some of the "Hurdles" one has to go thru -on the road of caretaker… and they are
Manageable !!!…yet I have to admit that a year+ in Nursg.School, plus years of hospital work, and geriatric care, did give me an advantage in this endeavor. Dementia or it's cousin Alzheimer's do have a phase of aggressiveness, which totally seems to be benign in folks who have a mild demeanor {phlegmatic} to begin with, or can get as bad as my Dad's as he was forceful personality. It should therefore be important to have regular Doctor visits that include discussion of her temperament behaviour at that point in time… and should definitely be medically treated…. although some Docs.do not like to treat with Anti-psychotics, yet it depends entirely on trying the lowest dose 1st, then adjust as needed, for the least amount of time needed, and slowly decreasing until finally stopping it altogether. It really does not matter if the dosage might cause sleepiness one or two days… consider it a rest-period for the patient -- until the dosage adjustment kicks in… to return them to normalcy… When my Dad got wild, I would increase the dosage for one period.. he'd sleep, and forget what made him mad… taking his B/P verified that I was doing the right thing, as it normalized - instead of being too high and his pulse too fast… One Doctor agreed with my treatment, another did not, just because he did not like to see patients being sedated in Nursing Homes…
Yet there is a difference between home care, + NSG Home care… where medication dosage changes require Dr.s orders + often do not get adjusted as fast as one can do that at home… where you have had a chance to discuss such changes with your Doc, prior to implementing them…
And please, think of her as a patient, not your Mom-inLaw - you'd be surprised how that helps adjust your own mind and eases the chores…. As the name "Patient" so clearly emphasizes that you are dealing with someone not normal in body and mind and therefore "ill" + needing kindness, rather than facing a cranky kid…
Well, Aging Care may want to charge me overtime for this long comment, so for now I wish you time to
get on line as often as possible to Google-check on the very fears your Mom-inLaw's behaviour presents.
It does help, and do not forget - your County has support personnel chapters that are income adjusted… That helped save my day for 6 years… I wish you well !!!
Have seen the tick stories on the news, it is a Texas tick if I remember right. Ladee where in Texas are these ticks? Everywhere? Here our ticks stay in the mountains unless one hitches a ride back to the city on an unsuspecting bitee.
Judda, I know what you mean.... between my messed up family and caregiving for the past 17 years, I am getting to where my solitude is priceless..... I work nights, and sleep during the day... so have a lot of 'quite', so now when I get around a lot of noise, I am stressed to the point of no return..... and I love nature...... I like to hunt for petrified wood, hit the back roads, nothing but crickets, birds, cows and donkeys.......ya, the quite and nature heal me.
By the way, I've been meaning to mention this to you all. There is a specific tick that is spreading in the USA. Whatever happens, do not get bitten by this tick. I saw this on the TV news. The tick has a sugar (alpha-gal) that humans don't have, but can be found in red meat - beef, pork, venison, rabbit - and even some dairy products. A tick bite triggers our immune systemthe body perceives the sugar the tick transmitted to the victim's bloodstream and skin as a foreign substance, and makes antibodies to it. Then the next time the person eats red meat which has that sugar, your immune system is activated aggressively and therefore the person ends up with anaphylactic shock. The more you eat the red meat, the worse your reaction until you must carry that pen thing with you. I'm a meat eater through and through. I don't even like salads. If I get bitten by this tick, I will become an unwilling vegetarian. No getting my foot wet but dunked into it.