This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I was wondering why she doesn't want to call and check up on him?? It never goes that far...
Goal is to try to sleep early. About 10 minutes ago, I was wide awake. Now, my eyes are getting tired. I'm going to try to sleep early but dad is wide awake. He will talk and talk and talk. He doesn't even need me to answer him. He can have a whole conversation all by himself.
I'm not a neurotic preparing for the end of the world, just doing all I can to ensure that me and my critters are safe, warm and fed in case of a long power outage.
This morning, I needed to go badly and my sleepy legs weren't strong enough to Not sit on the seat. Ugh! Sis did not put the cover down. The seat was soooo cold! Just now, I needed to spend a little more time in the restroom - not a quick drive by. It's really raining, and the bathroom is soaking wet.
I put on my rain jacket and dad asked me where I'm going. I looked at him and said, "The bathroom." I'm so glad to be wearing my Hawaiian print dress. I use the fold in front to hide the toilet tissue from the incoming rain. As I'm sitting there trying to be quick at it, I started to giggle as I visualized myself from an outsider's point of view. So far, hiding the toilet tissue under the tupperware bowl across the room is working in keeping it nice and dry.
Now that it's 1215pm, I'm going to take a nap. I had a late breakfast so I'm not hungry for lunch yet.
I changed dad's pampers first thing this morning, fed him and then started cooking for the whole day - in case the power goes out due to down power line from the foliage. Cooked a lot of rice and several different meat to eat throughout the day. I'm getting a headache - from being stuck in the house all day. Okay, I sneaked outside to stand on the porch while the strong winds are blowing from the different direction. I don't feel it from the porch. But once the storm passes, it will be coming directly towards the porch with worse winds than the front end. As long as we have power, I can post here on AC.
While standing outside the porch, I noticed the house next door (my bro's renting it out) neighbor's yard is getting flooded. And they parked both of their cars down there. They should park it up in the hill, on our land, so that their cars are safe from the flooding. So, I text SIL to tell her rentee that they can park on our land on the hill. I was still standing there when she came out of their apartment. She gave me the thumbs up. At least the neighbor is respectful and won't just "assume" to park in our land.
Glad, you have had a rough year, and it's not even over yet.... hope things start to calm down and you get some much needed time to yourself....
I am waching Cujo start to escalate in her behavior.... we have a meltdown in our future..... and daughter is having her own meltdown, caregiver burnout, and taking it out on the hired help...... feel like I am the center of a 'aggression sandwich'..... I did tell the daughter yesterday that I was not the enemy here.... I am past burn out myself,,, so this is going to get interesting.... and hope the daughter has enough brain cells to hear me that Cujo is heading for a hard time.... why wasn't I born rich instead of compassionate......
And the freshest produce goes at the back of the display.
Pam Stegman did she tell you about the roaches and bedbugs too!!!!!!!! Make sure you keep your pants tucked into your socks you don't want anything running up your legs.
Last fall when I was hospitalized we had beetroot salad with dinner. It was just beet root chopped small in vinegar. I looked then put my glasses on and it was full of tiny black flies. And no if anyone asks I did not have a high fever.
Pamsteg, as I read your post, I was even believing it. When you concluded, I realized the true situation, and I giggled. I would have been like that social worker - sucker! =)
Pamzim, enjoy your trip! Really, don't worry about mom. Worse case scenario, hubby can call 911. You will definitely have fun with your girl friends.
AAAAARRRRRRGHHH!
It has been a long time since I posted anything here, altho' I have kept up reading as much as possible and time allowed. Short recap: MIL moved in with us 5 years ago when we moved out here from Ohio, and except for driving and cooking was pretty much self sufficient. She took her meals with us, took care of her cat, folded clothes on laundry day, did the dinner dishes, and helped a LOT during summer canning season. She's not been much trouble at all, in spite of memory problems, and I have enjoyed her company. Several years ago we did start having someone come and stay at the house "to take care of the pets" when we took a weekend trip or short vacation, to see that she ate regularly, etc.
About the first of this year, I began to notice increasing memory loss and decreasing physical strength. Her naps were longer and more frequent. She also began to eat less and to want to skip meals, altho' usually she would eat when food was placed in front of her. She looked for ways to help less often. She still folded laundry and did little jobs (like cutting up fruit or veggies during meal prep) when ASKED. I hoped the gardening season (she has always loved working in the garden) and better weather would pull her out of the "winter doldrums".
In May I went to visit MY Dad and make some preparations for the family gathering in late June/early July to celebrate Dad's 90th birthday, and when I came back we had a mess! Perhaps the change of routine with DH (her son) looking after her set it off, since I have always dealt with her more than he has, I don't know. She started having panic attacks and refusing to eat. Fluids have always been a problem and now that was worse,too.
In June we had two trips planned, and for the first MIL's other son and wife came to stay with her, and for the second we took her to respite care at a lovely assisted living place. I now think that may have been a mistake. From the time we picked her up on July 7, the decline has been obvious and rapid, to the point where she eats/drinks almost nothing and spends almost all her time in bed. Last week after a consult with her doctor we started home health care. Sat. the PT gal became concerned about oxygen levels and now we have mom on oxygen 24/7. That is a problem because she does not understand why she needs it and keeps taking it off. Then she has a panic attack and all kinds of pains....we can no longer leave her alone at all. We took her to the doctor again yesterday...it appears she has lost 10lbs since May when she weighed in at 115lbs. and he observed first hand how her mental confusion has increased.
I have to admit that reading the posts on this thread have made me extremely grateful about my situation. The two brothers get along very well and consult often about how to handle all of mom's affairs. I am dealing with acceptance of the fact that I am losing a good friend and the sadness that goes with that. Watching her fade away day by day is really hard. I pray for all of you as I read the various posts, and give thanks for all the things I have learned from you.
UPDATE: Since I finished this too long post a week ago and set it aside to read over before actually posting everything has changed!!! In just a couple days Mom went from mobile and coherent to bedridden and hard to understand. She died just after 8am yesterday Sat. the 26th. While I am grateful she did not linger, it is truly hard to believe she is gone. DH appears very stoic (almost unaffected) in his attitude, so I suspect there is a real volcano inside he is trying to suppress. The brothers are working together for all the notifications,etc. that have to be made, and when we have the memorial service (mom will be cremated, so can be delayed until family can gather), they will help with all the sorting and clearing of Mom's stuff. I will not have to do it alone!