This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
You're very lucky to have such a good family to help (many of us don't)... Now is the time to give yourself some much deserved rest. You can always visit your mom, if you need to. The stimulation from the move may even help your mom a bit... We all feel the guilt of not doing enough. It comes with our nature. God Bless you and your family.
Glad, one thing I learned from these flying roaches, which I passed down this wisdom to my nieces when they would scream their heads off - over a lizard jumping on them. I told them that no matter how terrified you are, do NOT scream with your mouth open. Because the frightened lizard (for me, the roach), would see this dark cave (your mouth screaming wide open) and think it's a Safe place to Hide! They would most likely aim for your mouth. So, Glad, when I say I'm screaming when the cockroach lands on me, I'm screaming with my mouth closed. (Like a gagged person screaming.)
Off to shower. Only 1030pm and I'm soooo tired. Later....
I have read that when a person starts to get dementia, it affects their brain, their thinking. I was like you all. If I start to get like mom, I would kill myself. But, the latest studies show that this reasoning goes away when you get dementia. You can write a note to remind yourself. But when the time arrives, you can read it and be puzzled by the instructions. That was just sooooo disappointing! The only way to do this would be to have someone help you commit suicide without them getting caught.
VTShan, I hope the family is united on this – even if MIL is against it. I Hope she agrees to help in paying for her care – but I really doubt it. Maybe she will surprise us all and agree.
Onlytheonly, hang in there. In the meantime, find ways to tune her out, work around her hissy fits, and an alternate place of living (for you or her) when you've had enough. I have several options if I ever decide to walk away from dad. Because I have these viable options, I can handle him. Knowing that I can walk off if I wanted.
Poor Cujo was trying to step on a spider last night and ended up falling back into the bathtub... !!! I went running in there and there she was..... with her legs hanging over the side of the tub....she did bump her head.... after she let me check her out that nothing was broken or bent, she maneuvered herself in such a way I could help her out of the tub....funny how the aching back wasn't an issue until later when I realized what I had done..... but she was fine... a little rattled....but not hurt physically..... after she got finished in the bathroom she stomped, as much as anyone with a walker can stomp, into the living room and read MrM the riot act for not coming to help her !!!! Talk about a 911 situation...... ya, emergency, there is a pile of old people in the bathroom, can you send some help.... ???
Just been tuning out the daughter... she never says anything of importance, so just waiting until her lips stop moving is helping..... what ever it takes, right ya'll??!!!
Last night..... woot woot..... Love and hugs.... and chocolate.... chocolate in on my menu tonight for sure..... love ya'll
No-one in my family has ever had parkinsons or dementia, though my paternal grandmother got a bit whacky when she was 90+ and had to be placed for her own safety. My maternal grandma was a wonderful woman, Sara. She loved animals, gardening and nature and was back then an animal rescuer, even before there was such thing. She dropped dead from stroke in her 80s but I feel her close to me more and more. We are kindred spirits you see - nature, animals, growing stuff.
If I ever start losing my mind I'm outta here. I'm making provision for my beloved pets so they are safe and cared for when I pass. In the meantime I smoke and like a drink ... sue me. After a life time of abuse caused by Mommie Dearest I will go out my way and I'll cross the Rainbow Bridge.
Book, it's not that you aren't doing good, you are.... but like what was said... we just get to the point we don't pay attention anymore....and what are you going to tell the Dr..??? What can a Dr. do??? Are they going to go to the house and take care of dad while you come to the states and visit all of us.... then we take you hostage and won't let you go back home????? Let us know what the Dr says.
Cujo has been doing so great since the daughter has stopped giving her Seroquel....no more outbursts.... ect......it won't last, but at least now I will know what is her LBD, or med related behavior.....this whole week we have talked and laughed and had a relaxing time... if the old man would not insist on being the center of attention and still yammering about when he was in the WAR.....
It almost got weird last night.... he was starting to 'preach'...uh, no, we really shouldn't go there , right???....After a few minutes of that, I suggested we change the subject as each person has their own beliefs and we can just simply respect that in each other.... I AM SO TIRED .... of not being who I am.... no way was that what was going on in my head in reaction and response to that monologue.....always being professional.....Keeping my mouth shut is taking it's toll.... lol....
Ladee I can picture that in my mind and I'm still laughing. I leave the back door open all day so the critters can come and go as they please which lets loads of flies in. I've got pretty good with the fly swatter!
Tex, way to go! Just don't overdo it.
Book if you qualify for respite go for it! In my experience care givers eventually go numb, never feeling very well and just trudging from day to day. You really do need to get away for a while.
Then, she had me fill out this questionaire. 0 for never, 1 rare, 2 sometimes, 3 is most times, 4 is all the time. I breezed through it. Lots of 1 and 3 and 4. I gave it to her. She checked the numbers, added it up, and said, "According to this, you are very stressed out." Ohhhh....
I told her that compared to when mom was alive, I mentally think I'm doing really well. BUT my body is saying the opposite. I admit, I've been getting chest pains lately. And last night, when I was changing dad's pamper, I got so dizzy, I landed on his bed. sigh... Like you all - she kept emphasizing that I need to see the doctor. I Was suppose to call in and make an appointment. Really. But I keep forgetting. I even wrote a note of reminder. Except, I can't find it.
Ha! I guess I still qualify in their caregiver respite program. I really thought I was doing good. Obviously, I'm not. I just got a brainstorm. I'm going to set up an alarm for tomorrow around 10am- it will remind me to call the clinic and make an appointment. I will ask both of my nieces to also send me a text to remind me. This way, I won't forget. Gotta do that now before I forget....since it's time to change dad's pamper.
It went behind the curtain. I stood there waiting, shaking the can. I knew that sooner or later, it will show itself - like all roaches do. I heard it scurrying. {{shudder}} There it is! On the floor. Still don't look like a roach. I sprayed it and fled. Our roaches - if you spray it - it goes Crazy, running around like Speedy Gonzales - so difficult to keep track with your eyes. That's how fast our roaches run or fly. This roach (?) didn't even move at all. It moseyed on the floor. Hmmm...not a roach? OMG! Please let this Raid work because I don't want to stomp on it. I sprayed it again. Hmmm.. No reaction. Moseying along. I sprayed it again. Sat down on the sofabed and watched it moseying around. It Finally showed signs when it tried to climb up and kept falling.
This morning, I googled variety of roaches. I found it! It's an Oriental roach! OMG!!! We will now have 2 versions of this cockroach!!! Pros- it doesn't run fast like ours - so easier to kill. Cons - it takes More Raid to kill it.
After work, I'm going to Google our environmental control somebody and ask them if we are now being infested by this kind of roach. And if not, I have a dead one they can have - and where I THINK it hijacked from.
I am not always thrilled with my choices.... but I don't beat me up, and I sure as h*ll won't let anyone else do it....
One of the things I make myself do when I am very depressed, is when I leave the house, I make it a point to make eye contact with people and smile... most of the time , they smile back... so sometimes I have to give in order to receive... and the smiles eventually lift my spirits some.....
Guess so some extent, we heal in some way till the day we die..... by planting flowers, by loving our animals.... smiling when we don't feel like.... our only limitations is our imagination......
What I can not do alone, I can do with my awesome friends.... that is my family..... hugs to everyone...
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