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Theresa -
You're very lucky to have such a good family to help (many of us don't)... Now is the time to give yourself some much deserved rest. You can always visit your mom, if you need to. The stimulation from the move may even help your mom a bit... We all feel the guilt of not doing enough. It comes with our nature. God Bless you and your family.
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How am I today? Its been 6/12 year since the brain cancer eventually made mom totally bed bound with no speech or movements, 5/15 years mom has been under my supervision(nursing home then aunts home) and 3 years she has lived at home with me and in 5 days she is going to move to Massachusetts to be with my sister to give me a 1 year break. I'm tired, feel lost, feel guilty(always could have done more) yet Im happy because with me she is always surrounded by nursing care and at my sisters she will be surrounded by love. Hopefully it wont take me long to get to know myself again. thankfully mom my raised excellent children and one way or the other we will lover her at one of our homes until God tells us otherwise.
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bookluvr, l can see that picture of you. You are fighting with monsters R....I did almost every day around evening and thru the night.... at Ewa Beach, HI. Oh my those things hit straight at your head !! I told my girls stayed inside so Big R don't carry away... I lived 5 years for that...now San Diego, don't see them any!!
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Mosey on off to the shower Book! Get a good night sleep.
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I forgot to call the doctor.... I remembered when I was in the uhm... restroom.. at work. But by the time I walked up the 3 floors of stairs, I forgot. I remembered when I was rushing out to do errands for work. Told myself to call when I got to the car. I forgot because when I got in the car, it was sooooo hot inside!

Glad, one thing I learned from these flying roaches, which I passed down this wisdom to my nieces when they would scream their heads off - over a lizard jumping on them. I told them that no matter how terrified you are, do NOT scream with your mouth open. Because the frightened lizard (for me, the roach), would see this dark cave (your mouth screaming wide open) and think it's a Safe place to Hide! They would most likely aim for your mouth. So, Glad, when I say I'm screaming when the cockroach lands on me, I'm screaming with my mouth closed. (Like a gagged person screaming.)

Off to shower. Only 1030pm and I'm soooo tired. Later....
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Book, and remember to call the doctor!
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Book, LOL! Waving the catalog, stomping feet, I am envisioning some sort of a tribal Dance of the Roaches! If this doesn't scare off the spirits, nothing will. I wonder if they see that and laugh. Maybe you are entertain them and they don't want to leave.
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Book, Don't forget to call the doctor!!!!!!!!!!
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Only...I would not have lasted thru that! You are stronger than me!! I am not a huge proponent of using drugs to stifle people but this is onecase where it seems they need to give their family member something! NO ONE should have to put up withthat!
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Onedoor, stomping your feet when entering a once darkened room does the Opposite effects with our roaches. Darn thing must have some kind of radar or sonar capability. It just never fails. When I try to make stomping noises and waving that clothes catalog, the roaches fly/run straight at me! That’s why I always have on my left hand the catalog to wave it from my face (as if I can see fast enough- Not!) and the Raid on my right hand. I’ve had roaches run straight at me, then Fly straight to my legs or body. Then I’m squealing and jumping and waving my clothes trying to get it off me. Hence, the Spray and RUN.

I have read that when a person starts to get dementia, it affects their brain, their thinking. I was like you all. If I start to get like mom, I would kill myself. But, the latest studies show that this reasoning goes away when you get dementia. You can write a note to remind yourself. But when the time arrives, you can read it and be puzzled by the instructions. That was just sooooo disappointing! The only way to do this would be to have someone help you commit suicide without them getting caught.

VTShan, I hope the family is united on this – even if MIL is against it. I Hope she agrees to help in paying for her care – but I really doubt it. Maybe she will surprise us all and agree.

Onlytheonly, hang in there. In the meantime, find ways to tune her out, work around her hissy fits, and an alternate place of living (for you or her) when you've had enough. I have several options if I ever decide to walk away from dad. Because I have these viable options, I can handle him. Knowing that I can walk off if I wanted.
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VTshan, Every caregiver needs respite, even I as hired caregiver! I stayed with client for entire 4 days and 3days off, perfect jobs for me! I'm self-employed, so I get 1099-mis for the end of the year. I never thought about when I get injure or going to sued my client. I have been this type of business over 20 years, I know there's lots of good caregiver at there!! Hire someone and enjoy your life!!
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Thanks for the opportunity to vent. MIL has lived with us for 10 years. Things were OK for the first 5, then she started having surgeries for knee replacement, etc. Three years ago I had cancer and the chemo left me with nerve and other deficits, including chronic fatigue. I've been dragging for the past 3 years and am now totally burned out; a wreck at 67 as she turns 90. I told my husband that I am retiring from caregiving and we are going to talk with her, along with his siblings, about hiring people to come in for her 7 days a week. Hubby still works and I need a life. I'm hopeful and nervous as she is considered the "queen" of the family and expects that kind of treatment. I'm praying that she is willing to spend some of her $$$ on care.
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Congratulations Tex...I understand completely...today was the first time in a week that I could get dressed all by myself...a little uncomfortable but I got it done and felt pretty proud of myself...I start physical therapy Friday...I
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stopping by to say hi! goodness, how long has it been! Book and Ladee- I laughed and laughed at your roach stories for I can see myself doing exactly the same! Book, we have 2 kinds of roaches here - german and american...one of them can fly - how nasty is that???? my MIL had palmetto bugs which are HUGE roaches!!! I loved going to visit her but at night if you walked into a dark room, you stomped your feet and made lots of vibration so they would run and hide before I would turn on the lights! NOTHING is worse than roaches!!!! Have had a quiet summer so far....
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wow - what a few days: I have been called a child, a boy, an idiot and worse. I have been receiving calls from my Senior with stroke related dementia that begin with her shouting and threatening me. And then she asks for help. The ice trays are half full and she throws a fit. The nastiness and abuse is overwhelming today. ANd I keep telling myself as I say nothing, "it's the dementia, it's the age…" But boy - the family her siblings don't want to help. And I am tempted to move out of this care giving situation. And let them know - that I can't do this anymore.
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I am blessed to have many RN friends.... they all know when and if it gets bad, take me out !!!!!! Or I will do it myself, just give me the drugs.... either way, I am not going to be like the people I take care of .... or my dad..... my dad was like your mom Ash...... rarely do we hear much about narc dads... but he was one for sure.....

Poor Cujo was trying to step on a spider last night and ended up falling back into the bathtub... !!! I went running in there and there she was..... with her legs hanging over the side of the tub....she did bump her head.... after she let me check her out that nothing was broken or bent, she maneuvered herself in such a way I could help her out of the tub....funny how the aching back wasn't an issue until later when I realized what I had done..... but she was fine... a little rattled....but not hurt physically..... after she got finished in the bathroom she stomped, as much as anyone with a walker can stomp, into the living room and read MrM the riot act for not coming to help her !!!! Talk about a 911 situation...... ya, emergency, there is a pile of old people in the bathroom, can you send some help.... ???

Just been tuning out the daughter... she never says anything of importance, so just waiting until her lips stop moving is helping..... what ever it takes, right ya'll??!!!

Last night..... woot woot..... Love and hugs.... and chocolate.... chocolate in on my menu tonight for sure..... love ya'll
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Book it seems that the delusion that people are stealing is very common. My mother, in a NH and coming to the end of life, has been insisting for months that people steal her clothes, cookies and treats, when in fact her closets are bursting a the seams and she probably chowed down on chocolate, cookies and so on in the middle of the night and didn't remember. She insists on being reclusive and there's a sign on her door "Please close my door". Recently she insists her door often opens a little then closes. "They are looking to see if I'm here so they can steal my stuff". Of course it's just a nurse or aide looking in to make sure she's ok.

No-one in my family has ever had parkinsons or dementia, though my paternal grandmother got a bit whacky when she was 90+ and had to be placed for her own safety. My maternal grandma was a wonderful woman, Sara. She loved animals, gardening and nature and was back then an animal rescuer, even before there was such thing. She dropped dead from stroke in her 80s but I feel her close to me more and more. We are kindred spirits you see - nature, animals, growing stuff.

If I ever start losing my mind I'm outta here. I'm making provision for my beloved pets so they are safe and cared for when I pass. In the meantime I smoke and like a drink ... sue me. After a life time of abuse caused by Mommie Dearest I will go out my way and I'll cross the Rainbow Bridge.
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Caregiver respite is a local and federally funded program that my dad found when mom was diagnosed. When he had the stroke, I became the primary caregiver. I then qualified based on how difficult the care receiver and the caregiver's stress. Since my stress level is very high, they were willing to pay for someone to come in on Saturday to do some house cleaning based on my added stress of also doing the house work on top of everything else. I refused it. Dad is in that stage where it will drive me nuts on his non-stop accusations of stealing for weeks. Hence the 're-evaluation. I don't pay at all for this respite service. Gov't sponsored program.
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This site is wonderful. I feel better already. It is still stress and no rest, but if you all can do it I can too! I love your stories. My brain is fried most of the time and I don't even feel like talking. One day at a time and do the best I can. That is what I focus on. I don't know respite, don't think we have money for that. Love to all!
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Tex, all that time I thought it was just a major infestation of crickets... whew, happy to know it was just your hairy legs rubbing together making that noise....!!! But that is major advancement to be able to bend over like that.... don't hurt yourself..... happy you are making progress....

Book, it's not that you aren't doing good, you are.... but like what was said... we just get to the point we don't pay attention anymore....and what are you going to tell the Dr..??? What can a Dr. do??? Are they going to go to the house and take care of dad while you come to the states and visit all of us.... then we take you hostage and won't let you go back home????? Let us know what the Dr says.

Cujo has been doing so great since the daughter has stopped giving her Seroquel....no more outbursts.... ect......it won't last, but at least now I will know what is her LBD, or med related behavior.....this whole week we have talked and laughed and had a relaxing time... if the old man would not insist on being the center of attention and still yammering about when he was in the WAR.....

It almost got weird last night.... he was starting to 'preach'...uh, no, we really shouldn't go there , right???....After a few minutes of that, I suggested we change the subject as each person has their own beliefs and we can just simply respect that in each other.... I AM SO TIRED .... of not being who I am.... no way was that what was going on in my head in reaction and response to that monologue.....always being professional.....Keeping my mouth shut is taking it's toll.... lol....
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Book you really made me laugh but we've all got something that gives us the eeby jeebies. My thing is snakes. Out here we just have little grass snakes. They're harmless and eat a lot of bugs but they still creep me out. Never had roaches but out here in the country fleas and ticks can be a problem. Had a flea infestation but with treating the critters, diligent laundry, vac and spraying they were gone. Then came Lucy, the little rescue kitten, loaded with worms, fleas and lice. She's in quarantine but I had fleas back in the main house so here we go again. I seem to be winning the battle.

Ladee I can picture that in my mind and I'm still laughing. I leave the back door open all day so the critters can come and go as they please which lets loads of flies in. I've got pretty good with the fly swatter!

Tex, way to go! Just don't overdo it.

Book if you qualify for respite go for it! In my experience care givers eventually go numb, never feeling very well and just trudging from day to day. You really do need to get away for a while.
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My caregiver respite case worker called me today. She wanted to meet me this afternoon for a revaluation. She asked me how is it at home, my caregiving, work, stress? heath? I said, "I'm fine! I'm not as stressed since mom passed away last year. Dad is not so bad Yet." No matter what she asked, I was doing fine. You need to remember that before, I was caregiving 2 bedriddens. So, with just dad now, I'm handling it much much better.

Then, she had me fill out this questionaire. 0 for never, 1 rare, 2 sometimes, 3 is most times, 4 is all the time. I breezed through it. Lots of 1 and 3 and 4. I gave it to her. She checked the numbers, added it up, and said, "According to this, you are very stressed out." Ohhhh....

I told her that compared to when mom was alive, I mentally think I'm doing really well. BUT my body is saying the opposite. I admit, I've been getting chest pains lately. And last night, when I was changing dad's pamper, I got so dizzy, I landed on his bed. sigh... Like you all - she kept emphasizing that I need to see the doctor. I Was suppose to call in and make an appointment. Really. But I keep forgetting. I even wrote a note of reminder. Except, I can't find it.

Ha! I guess I still qualify in their caregiver respite program. I really thought I was doing good. Obviously, I'm not. I just got a brainstorm. I'm going to set up an alarm for tomorrow around 10am- it will remind me to call the clinic and make an appointment. I will ask both of my nieces to also send me a text to remind me. This way, I won't forget. Gotta do that now before I forget....since it's time to change dad's pamper.
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Tex, congrats! It's the small stuff that we take for granted until something like surgery highlights it. I remember when I had my hysterectomy in Hawaii. I brought my Nike shoes for walking. sigh... I just did not realize that it was going to be impossible to bend over to Tie the shoes! I had to go and buy a slip on slipper. No need to bend over at all.
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I know this may sound stupid but I am now about 19 days after neck surgery and after 6 PT sessions I was finally able to bend over and shave my legs,what a milestone!
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Oh Book, you have me laughing out loud... I know it's not funny, but they are so creepy... ANY kind of roach..... yesterday I had left a can of wet food for my cat open on the counter.... getting ready for work and picked it up to put in the fridge... a small, tiny compared to yours, roach ran across my hand... I screamed,threw the can and stood there like a fool with cat food dripping down the wall.... was late for work... but did not tell the daughter it was because I was attacked by a quarter inch roach and cat food was on the wall... just didn't feel she needed to know that..... lol......keep that spray handy girl..... sorta like pepper spray for rapists.........
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I have mentioned repeatedly here how I'm terrified of cockroaches. For the past few weeks, I've been buying some inexpensive furniture from a Chinese mom & pop store. Last night, after showering, I came into the livingroom and saw this giant dark insect flying overhead. Darn! A cockroach! I quickly grabbed the closest RAID and it was running low. So, I went to get the one in the bedroom. Good, still lots of ammo in it. I watched the roach land on the curtain near dad. Is that cockroach??? That doesn't look like our native cockroach. I kept staring at it. It was slimmer but longer body and darker color - close to black (not brown like ours.)

It went behind the curtain. I stood there waiting, shaking the can. I knew that sooner or later, it will show itself - like all roaches do. I heard it scurrying. {{shudder}} There it is! On the floor. Still don't look like a roach. I sprayed it and fled. Our roaches - if you spray it - it goes Crazy, running around like Speedy Gonzales - so difficult to keep track with your eyes. That's how fast our roaches run or fly. This roach (?) didn't even move at all. It moseyed on the floor. Hmmm...not a roach? OMG! Please let this Raid work because I don't want to stomp on it. I sprayed it again. Hmmm.. No reaction. Moseying along. I sprayed it again. Sat down on the sofabed and watched it moseying around. It Finally showed signs when it tried to climb up and kept falling.

This morning, I googled variety of roaches. I found it! It's an Oriental roach! OMG!!! We will now have 2 versions of this cockroach!!! Pros- it doesn't run fast like ours - so easier to kill. Cons - it takes More Raid to kill it.

After work, I'm going to Google our environmental control somebody and ask them if we are now being infested by this kind of roach. And if not, I have a dead one they can have - and where I THINK it hijacked from.
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MsV, thank you so much for all you shared..... I was always told by my mom that she wished shed never had me... so I understand....just at some point in my life, I understood I had to learn 'to fit inside my own skin'... I never have been one to care what others thought of me... guess that was a 'gift' the family gave me, I just learned, in the long run, we can't make others happy... and we can't give away what we don't have.... If I have no compassion for myself, or forgiveness, or empathy, or acceptance... then I can't give it to others....
I am not always thrilled with my choices.... but I don't beat me up, and I sure as h*ll won't let anyone else do it....
One of the things I make myself do when I am very depressed, is when I leave the house, I make it a point to make eye contact with people and smile... most of the time , they smile back... so sometimes I have to give in order to receive... and the smiles eventually lift my spirits some.....

Guess so some extent, we heal in some way till the day we die..... by planting flowers, by loving our animals.... smiling when we don't feel like.... our only limitations is our imagination......

What I can not do alone, I can do with my awesome friends.... that is my family..... hugs to everyone...
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Here's a list of where it's playing.. Alive Inside...

aliveinside.us/#land
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Sundance movie about the power of music with dementia patients

recodet/2014/07/19/alive-inside-film-documents-power-of-music-to-restore-memory-ipods-included/
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Veronica, a lot of great gems on your life story. You were way ahead in your thought process. Wish I learned to do that when young - instead of burying most of the bad memories. I don't even know if I can adopt your attitude. It's a different way of thinking. Know what I mean? Thanks!
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