This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Your other option is to take him home and employ full time help. if he is heavy and violent a male aide might be the solution plus you need to make sure you have sufficient medication to sedate him when he becomes unmanageable. this is why I am telling you you need to make the necessary plans now while he is hospitalized because you have your oen future to consider. I know this is a very hard time for you but sitting around wringing your hands is not going to solve anything for you or the husband you love. Do you have a friend or family member who can help you with this and accompany you to meetings. You are in such an anxiety state right now to be able to remember anything or make sensible decisions. It is going to be hard and you will end up feeling violated but do what is best under the rules you are given. Praying for you. Blessings.
Take comfort in that.
Do you know Dad's SS# that is all you will probably need to start with.
Try going online and type in SS benifits and that should tell you what to do next. You may be able to do a lot of it online.Is he over 70 now? There may be quite a tidy sum waiting for him and he should get something between $1-2 K every month from here on in and that should help a lot so go for it.
Pam Steadman will probably have more specific advice.
Two, oldest bro and SIL kept asking me if dad had insurance under mom. I don't know. I know nothing. They kept trying to tell me to look for it. Hello??? Do you know how many super typhoons we had since i was age 24? How many floodings we had? All dad's treasures that he kept in his locked chest - got ruined on that last super typhoon. (I have you all know - that I spent the whole night on top of the exercise bike with my feet up so that it wouldn't be dangling in the water. Fortunately, we were able to crank up mom's hospital bed as high as possible and wedged her and the hospital bed in the hallway - with the bathroom door shaking so hard that dad had to tie a rope from the doorknob to another doorknob to prevent the bathroom from flying open and poor mom get soaking wet from the typhoon's wind.) sigh.. I showed them his stub that you give for tax purposes. In end, SIL sat with me and I logged into dad's retirement website. Lo and Behold, dad only has $25,000 life insurance. And mom only has $5,000 life insurance. Bro now wants me to contact the insurance, tell them that mom has passed away last year, send in mom's death certificate, etc...
FYI, when I pulled out my file folder with all of dad's paperwork, I pulled out the beneficiary for his insurance. I told SIL, I have this, waving the envelope. I then opened it, took the paper out, and gave it to her. She looked quickly, muttered 'your the beneficiary'. When bro asked what's that paper, SIL quickly answered that it's nothing. Not what they're looking for.
Hmmmm.. I do believe SIL doesn't trust my oldest bro, her husband. I do believe she doesn't want him to know that I'm dad's beneficiary if he dies. I was surprised that she did that. In the past, when dad was so mean to me, I would storm out of the house, crying so hard into my car. SIL would run out of their place, come to me, trying to calm me down before I speed out and kill myself. As I was crying, I would tell her what happened. She always ends up crying with me. I'm not talking the silent tears. I mean, crying just like I was doing. My brother abused her. I guess she knows what I was going through with dad. When all my sisters was against her when she married bro, I was the only one who was neutral. Too bad greed pops up once in a while. Maybe she learned that from being married to one. I don't know.
LadeeM - I hope Cujo is sleeping better. I wish that family would appreciate you more. Take care of YOU!!!
Hi everyone - This might be the last time I post for a little while. Sunday I will be leaving Mom's house for the last time. Bro is coming to help me move the furniture I am keeping to storage. He is still trying to tell me what to do and when. After he and his helper leave I will wait until I can check into the place where I am staying for two weeks. After that I will have a safe place to live down the street from my mom's place. I am also getting a lawyer to look into getting money from my brother for services rendered taking care of my mom and cleaning the house after dust, dirt and mouse poop fell from the attic and cleaning out the shed. I have broken my back for months getting rid of the stuff in the house. Sunday is independence day for me!!!! I will be finally taking care of ME!!! I will be checking in when I can. Please take care you all.
Get an immediate phone call from her.... rattling on and on that it was Mr.M's idea, because after all he had her there and she works for free.... and on and on and on...so I interrupt her, and said I will still bring the money Sun and give it to her...(which I have NO intention of doing!), because this was my cue to tell her how much she sacrifices, blah, blah, blah..... which I did NOT do.....she is an empty pit of neediness and needing to be told how awesome she is..... uh no, I'm the awesome one !!! I put up with HER and take care of her parents....!!!!
And by the way, the daughters will inherit three oil wells.... along with all the rest of it..... so ya think I'm feeling sorry for her???? Uh no......I'm not....and by the way, MrM signs my checks, not her....
And now that the daughter has stopped jacking with Cujo's meds, she is sleeping all night, or if not, she comes in the living room with me and watches tv until she gets sleepy again....
When I went in Mon. night... I was met with a 'word blast' of how Cujo didn't sleep all weekend, got up get dressed..... (deep sigh from me), blah blah blah..... the reason she doesn't get 'dressed' in the middle of the night with me, is because I remove her clothes from the room.... if she doesn't see them, she doesn't put them on.... sounds like a no-brainer to me..... and I've tried telling her this.... but, uh, ya know, you cant talk and listen at the same time.....right?
So guess this little story ends with me laughing all the way to the bank....
Love and hugs to you all, more later.....
Scheduled my eye surgery consult and the actual surgeries though not until Sept! However due to my rapidly changing eye conditions if I cannot continue to tolerate I can somehow get in earlier.
As I grabbed the water jar, Dad asked me, "Are you drunk?"