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Book, you are a very good son; no one could ask for a better one
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P.S. We are so very fortunate to have purchased a long term care policy for him years and years ago, so after the 90 elimination period, we will get a lot of the caretaking paid for plus, we no longer have to pay the insurance premium as they pay that as well. I plan on keeping him home as long as I can keep things as they are now. Don't get me wrong; things can get pretty rough at times, but I am doing much better
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I finally have a good team of caregivers that helps me John most days. Right now I am laying in my bed doing nothing, on the internet, watching tv while one of them is watching John, making his lunch and I have one coming at 4 who gives him a shower, does, the dinner dishes, gives him his meds and puts him to bed. If you have good caretakers, it makes all the difference in the world. I love them and life if so much better now!!!
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Oh, Book, I assumed you are in the US. Are you?
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book, go to ssa.gov and you can apply for social security online. you will create a log in and password so you can check the status. Cry happy, now you know he saw your worth, he trusted you even long ago.
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Photo dry your tears and start planning for th future. When the two weeks are up at the psych hospital simple refuse to take him home and they will have to place him. Now comes the bitter pill and it is one you have to swallow. You will have to PAY for his care until you have spent down your assets till you reach the level where he can qualify for VA benifits or Medicaid. Now don't start to panic you can do that latter when you find out the facts. Go and see an eldercare lawyer and find out what your options are and what assets you will be allowed to keep. i know it will include your home, personal effects and one car but he lawyer will explain the details to you. As your husband is a veteran he may be able to go to a vets home if there is one nearby.
Your other option is to take him home and employ full time help. if he is heavy and violent a male aide might be the solution plus you need to make sure you have sufficient medication to sedate him when he becomes unmanageable. this is why I am telling you you need to make the necessary plans now while he is hospitalized because you have your oen future to consider. I know this is a very hard time for you but sitting around wringing your hands is not going to solve anything for you or the husband you love. Do you have a friend or family member who can help you with this and accompany you to meetings. You are in such an anxiety state right now to be able to remember anything or make sensible decisions. It is going to be hard and you will end up feeling violated but do what is best under the rules you are given. Praying for you. Blessings.
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Oh Book what a way to find out that nasty old man loves and appreciates you. T.
Take comfort in that.
Do you know Dad's SS# that is all you will probably need to start with.
Try going online and type in SS benifits and that should tell you what to do next. You may be able to do a lot of it online.Is he over 70 now? There may be quite a tidy sum waiting for him and he should get something between $1-2 K every month from here on in and that should help a lot so go for it.
Pam Steadman will probably have more specific advice.
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Book, you deal with soooo much and your Dad knows it!
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One, I was age 24 when dad retired in order to take care of mom full time. Only now, as in last week, SIL asked me if dad was getting social security. I said no. He has his retirement income. She said that social security has nothing to do with his retirement fund. It's when you reach age 65. Okay. I know nothing about it then. I only see his retirement money as his only income. She and her hubby (oldest bro who lives next door) wants me to find out about it. So, I asked oldest sis - who has No secular or house chores - to please call social security and ask for their location. She looked at me, and then went back to her reading. She didn't do it.

Two, oldest bro and SIL kept asking me if dad had insurance under mom. I don't know. I know nothing. They kept trying to tell me to look for it. Hello??? Do you know how many super typhoons we had since i was age 24? How many floodings we had? All dad's treasures that he kept in his locked chest - got ruined on that last super typhoon. (I have you all know - that I spent the whole night on top of the exercise bike with my feet up so that it wouldn't be dangling in the water. Fortunately, we were able to crank up mom's hospital bed as high as possible and wedged her and the hospital bed in the hallway - with the bathroom door shaking so hard that dad had to tie a rope from the doorknob to another doorknob to prevent the bathroom from flying open and poor mom get soaking wet from the typhoon's wind.) sigh.. I showed them his stub that you give for tax purposes. In end, SIL sat with me and I logged into dad's retirement website. Lo and Behold, dad only has $25,000 life insurance. And mom only has $5,000 life insurance. Bro now wants me to contact the insurance, tell them that mom has passed away last year, send in mom's death certificate, etc...

FYI, when I pulled out my file folder with all of dad's paperwork, I pulled out the beneficiary for his insurance. I told SIL, I have this, waving the envelope. I then opened it, took the paper out, and gave it to her. She looked quickly, muttered 'your the beneficiary'. When bro asked what's that paper, SIL quickly answered that it's nothing. Not what they're looking for.

Hmmmm.. I do believe SIL doesn't trust my oldest bro, her husband. I do believe she doesn't want him to know that I'm dad's beneficiary if he dies. I was surprised that she did that. In the past, when dad was so mean to me, I would storm out of the house, crying so hard into my car. SIL would run out of their place, come to me, trying to calm me down before I speed out and kill myself. As I was crying, I would tell her what happened. She always ends up crying with me. I'm not talking the silent tears. I mean, crying just like I was doing. My brother abused her. I guess she knows what I was going through with dad. When all my sisters was against her when she married bro, I was the only one who was neutral. Too bad greed pops up once in a while. Maybe she learned that from being married to one. I don't know.
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Photo, you are not abandoning him.... you are getting him the help he needs.... love has nothing to do with this at this point.... I could tell you you are doing the loving thing by doing this, but it has come down to common sense.... and of course you are crying... any of us would be too... and be torn about what to do.... but this we do know.... you can no longer care for him..... at some point you have to save yourself...... we support you and will be here for you if you do this..... we'll support you if you don't ..... but you really need to HEAR what we are saying..... praying for the best outcome for you...
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Photo, I think you know what to do. The things you have had to deal with would be deal breakers for most of us. I know I couldn't deal with your situation husband that I love or not. He is not that man any more. I understand it must be terribly heart wrenching.
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I so don't what to do...this is soooo heart renchinging and I cry and cry and cry and it does no good.
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Photo either you can continue to care for him or not. You need to take care of yourself! I understand how hard it would be to do that, but also understand what would be best for him! If it is too difficult to care for him, you are getting stressed and angry, what would be better for him? The same thing that would be best for you. And if he understood what was happening would he want you to continue to care for him?
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glad...that is a good solution...and oh how I wish I could do that. It would make my life so easier....unfortunately, I love him, for whatever reason, after 48 years of marriage and I can't do it....I do do wish I could
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Lav wonderful! Check in with us when you are ready and able. We will all miss you. It has certainly been a long haul for you! Best Wishes to you and do as good a job caring for YOU as you have everything else!
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Geez photo. Your only option may be dropping him at an ER tell them you are not able to provide the care he needs. AND refuse to take him home! If he is in hospital now, talk to the social worker there and say you are not able to provide the necessary care. He needs hospitalization and maybe heavy sedation. Others have had to do the same.
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I don't think I can do this any more. My husband is banned from 3 convalescent, hospitals, I home health care, I extreme dementia care hospital, and now Hospice, and geriatric psych hospital will only keep him two week. How had dementia slipped through the cracks. We have too many assets to qualify for veteran's benefits. Our seniors with severe dementia are screwed. What the hell do I do???
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Book - I hope that you will feel better soon. Take care of YOU!!!!
LadeeM - I hope Cujo is sleeping better. I wish that family would appreciate you more. Take care of YOU!!!
Hi everyone - This might be the last time I post for a little while. Sunday I will be leaving Mom's house for the last time. Bro is coming to help me move the furniture I am keeping to storage. He is still trying to tell me what to do and when. After he and his helper leave I will wait until I can check into the place where I am staying for two weeks. After that I will have a safe place to live down the street from my mom's place. I am also getting a lawyer to look into getting money from my brother for services rendered taking care of my mom and cleaning the house after dust, dirt and mouse poop fell from the attic and cleaning out the shed. I have broken my back for months getting rid of the stuff in the house. Sunday is independence day for me!!!! I will be finally taking care of ME!!! I will be checking in when I can. Please take care you all.
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Sorry Glad, got wrapped up in telling the story... I am grateful and will let MrM know.....
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Ladee, great, but this is what would happen in most jobs, you can call in sick a specified number of times and get paid. I think it was a very nice gesture on their part.
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LadeeM - GOOD FOR YOU!!!! OH AWESOME ONE. Take care of YOU!!!!!
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The next installment of the weirdness that is my job..... opened my check this morning..... ya know she can't just HAND it to me... it has to be in a sealed envelope.....and saw that I was paid for my day off..... hmmm....not normal, this... so I text her and tell her she overpayed me.... will give her back the money Sun. when I go to work......
Get an immediate phone call from her.... rattling on and on that it was Mr.M's idea, because after all he had her there and she works for free.... and on and on and on...so I interrupt her, and said I will still bring the money Sun and give it to her...(which I have NO intention of doing!), because this was my cue to tell her how much she sacrifices, blah, blah, blah..... which I did NOT do.....she is an empty pit of neediness and needing to be told how awesome she is..... uh no, I'm the awesome one !!! I put up with HER and take care of her parents....!!!!

And by the way, the daughters will inherit three oil wells.... along with all the rest of it..... so ya think I'm feeling sorry for her???? Uh no......I'm not....and by the way, MrM signs my checks, not her....

And now that the daughter has stopped jacking with Cujo's meds, she is sleeping all night, or if not, she comes in the living room with me and watches tv until she gets sleepy again....

When I went in Mon. night... I was met with a 'word blast' of how Cujo didn't sleep all weekend, got up get dressed..... (deep sigh from me), blah blah blah..... the reason she doesn't get 'dressed' in the middle of the night with me, is because I remove her clothes from the room.... if she doesn't see them, she doesn't put them on.... sounds like a no-brainer to me..... and I've tried telling her this.... but, uh, ya know, you cant talk and listen at the same time.....right?

So guess this little story ends with me laughing all the way to the bank....

Love and hugs to you all, more later.....
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I agree on getting the dizziness checked out. Could be a number of things- not drinking enough water, low blood sugar, blood pressure problems too.
Scheduled my eye surgery consult and the actual surgeries though not until Sept! However due to my rapidly changing eye conditions if I cannot continue to tolerate I can somehow get in earlier.
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Book -I would say yes. I would go outside or shopping whatever. I would get dizzy and felt and looked like I was drunk. Sometimes I still wake up groggy and feeling weird. I have been doing that lately and I feel like it has to do with everything that is going on. Please go see a doctor NOW. Take care of YOU!!!!
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Book it may be from stress. Last winter I had a black out ... doing 85 in my truck! It only lasted seconds so no harm done but it was a wake up call from years of stress caused by Mommie Dearest which got even worse when she went into a NH.. I changed my phone number, went low contact and literally hibernated until spring. Never had another episode but always felt light headed. That has gradually faded but it took several months.
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I've been getting dizzy spells this evening. Don't know if it's connected with taking the Lipitor. Maybe all in my head. Like thinking I'm allergic to exercise just because I itch on my upper legs when walking too long. Anyway, Dad asked me for some water. I got up quickly, and just as I reached the table, dizziness struck. I swayed so hard but was able to maneuver my body to stay up.

As I grabbed the water jar, Dad asked me, "Are you drunk?"
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Joy - I am glad that you are having a better day today. I totally understand about your brothers. Is there any other way that you can help caring for your mother. I let my stress get really bad that I was about to have a breakdown. A person that came to see my mother told me to get some help. My physical and mental health were deteriorating. I went and got help and things got better. And thanks to this site I was on the road to understanding and coping. Please take care of yourself.
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It felt so good to read your comments - like a breath of fresh air! Today is a better day than the last several -- I'm glad God allows me 1 good day with all the bad! I care for my mom who is 96 and wheelchair bound. She has mild dementia but is pretty healthy otherwise. I am a servant waiting on the Queen and all that that entails. I get jealous when my 2 brothers that live out of town tell me all the places they are going and the fun things they are doing. My mom has only been here for 2 years but like another person said -- it feels like ten. I find I don't know how to talk coherently to people anymore. My thoughts are a jumble and because I care give 24/7 I don't have anything interesting to talk about. I do get to leave about an hour a day but its just not enough time to get to a store, try on a blouse, wait in loooooong lines to pay for it and then back home. I don't even want to wear the dumb blouse after all that!!! Other times it is OK and I mellow out in reading mysteries that take my mind far away. Thanks all of you for listening -- you help me so much with your wisdom, laughter and understanding
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Hi everyone, I have not been on for a while because of so much going on. The closing of the house was today. There were problems with the money. But everything has been worked out though. It is not done done but on the way. We will hopefully get the rest of the money in November. Brother keeps harping about the job hunting. This time he did it in front of the buyer and the real estate agent . So nice huh!! I was so embarrassed. Like thank you so much to make me feel like sh.. Jeez!! He did take me out to eat though. It was a expensive restaurant. I know because he had to show me how much the bill was. Really? Why, I do not know. Anyway I will be living in a extended stay place for two weeks. After that I do not know. I will be okay though. I have to be. I am so relieved that this is behind me. I will try and come back on later after I read everyone's posts.. Please take care all.
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well had my follow up visit with the eye doc and my vision changed 5 steps last month 4 steps so he dilated the eye and the cataract was visible. he said I am basically seeing out of my right eye. So I have a referral to an eye surgeon just checking to see if he is in our insurance network and will make the call for a consult. Doc surprised that I don't have double vision as the difference in the eyes is quite dramatic. Said some mild headaches. I haven't really had any ambition to do really anything the past month but hid this quite well considering I moved dad to AL last week. But this does bring up a question about telling my dad or not as with his dementia I do not know how he would process the information.
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