This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I think you most important task is to prepare fro the future. Get all the paperwork in order so you and/or your brother have POA for health and financial for parents and brothers. You will ultimately have to take charge of all these things so it is best to know well ahead of time whether wills are made and wishes about health decisions and DNR orders if appropriate. What for example will happen to your brothers after the parents pass. better to find out now about assisted living if that is what they will need. An eldercare lawyer will assist you with all this. if either parent was a veteren make sure their discharge papers are found and any insurance policies, pre planned funerals etc. Quite a job but it makes life easier in the end.
Blessings
Is he a veteren. he is old enough for WW11. if he was there may be help available through the VA.
As far as your family is concerned.it would be nice if they voluntered to sit with grandpa but they won't. You will have to ask. Think about which ones are the fittest and most capable and ask those people. "I have a dentist appointment at 9am on Monday could you be here at 8.30 to stay with dad till I get home. I should be back by 10.30 at the latest." tell them all they need to do is get him a cup of coffee and bring something to do because he will just sit in front of the TV. Once they have done it they will be more willing because they know there is nothing to be afraid of. those who have never dealt with illness or disability are fearful about what it entails therefor don't want to get involved. Blessings
Hugs to you for handling all that you have with your husband. I have taken care of my mother for 15 years without help from her family of now 28. She has multiple health problems including mild dementia. It doesn't say from your post how long you have been taking care of your husband by yourself or did I miss that. I hope in time a few of your children will learn and accept the situation better enough to help you. In the meantime try to find other sources other than your family. The more help you can find now the easier it will be for you later. It all depends on the area you live in what is available to you. There are different resources. Have you contacted the Council on Aging to see what is available in you area. There could be an Adult Day Care Center which may interest your husband a couple afternoons a week. Some men attend those centers and that could spark an interest in your husband...talking to men his own age. My mother has attended such centers and has increased her desire to want to do other things too. Centers will let you visit for an hour or two one day to observe their atmosphere. Your church may have some suggestions for you too. The Alzheimer's association can help find someone to sit with your husband while you attend church. That is just a few places to start and I am sure others will offer some advise as well. More {{HUGS}}
We are many different care situations. There are those caring for parents, spouses, agency and private caregivers. It runs the gamut. We all have varying ideas, which are wonderful to share and helps to gain different perspectives.
Welcome!
Tex - Yeah!!! On the road to recovery. Your mom stepped up to the plate also how wonderful. Take care of YOU!!!
LadeeM Can you get a bonus for doing the extra hours? You seem to be rolling with the situation though. Take care of YOU!!
Hi there - It is so nice to read everyone's posts. Everything is going here. The house actually closes on Wednesday. I still have to clean out the shed. It will not be that much work. I will try to do it later so it wont be so hot. It is all junk in there (old tools, xmas stuff HUGE pillar candles and a big bucket of pebbles. Why why why. LOL I mean come on. Is it any reason I pitch and pitch my stuff. Well, anyway I have come to the conclusion that bro thinks that the house should have gone to him alone. He is the executor of the will. Pisses me off something awlful. It should have been changed to both of us after dad died. So now he has opened a succession account in his name up in his town. So, any money that is received in sale of the house will be put in there 50 miles away. there is nothing that I can do. I do not know if I can even get a copy of the bank statements. Bro doesn't understand that I do not trust him. I am trying not to get upset about it. I have to go I can't talk about it without tearing up.
Take care
I care for Mom with Alzheimer's and her husband that has mobility problems and is now developing vascular dementia. Thank goodness only two. But the issues with Mom and her hubby are made more difficult by two narcissitic sisters that are in denial about even the need for their care.
We all have responsibilities, all a bit different, and we are here to support each other with whatever or situations are. It is all about learning to better handle our daily struggles.
People here are loving and supportive and guess what, we even laugh sometimes..... those are my favorite times.....never thought we would consider something to laugh about a blessing... such is the life of a caregiver..... share when you are ready.... you are not alone....
Tex..... up washing the dog.... I knew you weren't going to behave !!!!! But am very happy to hear mom has finally landed on the planet.....cool thing is, you get to remind her how good she was a month from now when she starts the old business again....
Have to go to work an hour early tonight....and the daughter says,"I'll be happy to pay you"..... my reply, ' uh, is this where I am supposed to say, oh, no problem??? Uh ya, you're gonna pay me'........ am so sick of this game and won't or don't even need to get started on the Caregiver Blues...... surely someone here is talented enough to write a song with that title...... we can all sing it together.....
Off to wash clothes.... I hate this part of life.... laundry...... hugs to everyone and hope you find one thing to be grateful for today.... hugs, angels, prayers and chocolate...
Friends tend to avoid contact with caregiver friends. Do not take this personally, it is that friends just do not understand unless they have walked in our shoes. This site is a wonderful resource for help with anything you can possibly imagine, or just to vent, we have all done it! It is an extremely stressful job that we do! There are threads where members share recipes! There are many, many topics, but the most important are related to this life of care giving.
WELCOME!
Many of us have had to deal with clearing out a house and getting it ready for sale and it's a nightmare. My mother couldn't understand why I had to spend $12,000 to renovate her house ready for sale when in her eyes it was so beautiful. Her wonderful furniture went to auction and fetched next to nothing. What didn't sell went to the dump. Pretty much all I was able to save/rescue was her dog and cat which now live with me. Personally I keep the bare essentials at home. If I don't need or use it it's gone.
Dadshelper I agree with LadeeM, at this point let him have whatever he wants. My mother is in a nursing home and was eating very little though she'd chow down on cookies and chocolates but not so much even those now. She's 88 with parkinsons, strokes and dementia, just a shell really with no interest in food at all. I tried taking her lunch but she eventually refused it. With much cajoling she'll only eat 1/4 of her favourite sandwich now, maybe ... and that's a big maybe. There's really nothing more I or anyone can do at this point..