This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
A friend asked me to apply at her workplace because she "knew I was perfect for the job"...
I'm enjoying the job... not so much the hours. I'm working with mentally ill people, running them on their errands and helping them meet their care goals. It's interesting, but a TON of paperwork! I'm also working VERY part-time as a cashier at the neighborhood diner. I help out there for about 2 weeks every year, right around Independence Day. Still selling Tupperware too. In fact, I've made Star Manager... and now I'm aiming for Executive Manager. The next step after that is Director.
So... I'm keeping VERY busy! Hubby isn't pleased that I'm working so much. He would really like to have me back home full time. It's his own darned fault... he's the one who kept harping about how broke we were! Since he's disabled, that left only me to go out and get another job! :P
Sorry I haven't had much time lately to stop in and chat. I'll try to go back through the forum to catch up on everyone's news.
I hope y'all are doing well. I still think about you quite often.
Have a GREAT evening!
I sure miss our paid caregiver on Saturdays. She would clean our kitchen (sweep the floor and clean the sink) and the front porch. This morning, I swept the floor. And will admit angry at sis. In this past week, I have cooked enough food and ordered take-outs enough for both of us. When I was cooking dinner on Thurs, I thought she was washing the few dishes I made from cooking (in between the cooking instructions, I would wash the dishes used.) When I was done cooking, I found out that she only washed her dishes and not the few dishes I made for cooking. I was angry and disappointed in her. Today, Sunday morning, I have decided that I will no longer cook enough food to include her. Just like she makes her egg salad but doesn't make enough for me. I wondered why the 18 egg carton and loaf of bread is going so fast. She makes enough for her egg sandwich, but not enough for me. My money buys all these food. She uses her money to buy her sodas/drinks and then stores it in her room. So, this morning, I will just have plain toast with sunny-side up eggs - just for me. After that, the 2 loads of laundry. And then pay some bills. Then google on how to make a very simple french toast - for next Sunday's breakfast. Yippee! July 4th holiday falls on Friday. Darn! I just assumed I would get a 3-day weekend. I just realized that it's my turn to work this Saturday. Bummer!!!
Nursebecky, we're usually the first to see the signs of dementia years ahead before other family members see it. The viciousness/accusations always starts at home, then they are sooo nice and quiet, etc.. when visitors come (includes family members.)
NBecky... yes, some of them get nastier by the day.... I have never seen on here that someone's loved one has turned into this loving and docile person we are happy to take care of...so just keep coming back... vent, get support and know you are not alone....sending you hugs
It never got any better after that and I learned to avoid her at all costs, which I did life long until she lied, manipulated and bullied me into selling my home, quitting my career and moving 200km to care for her, which I did purely out of duty.
My wonderful father passed 15 years ago and just before his death he said to me "you're mother will never be happy with anything". He busted his chops to give her anything and everything she wanted, though it was never enough. His heart gave out and after 55 years of nasty, whining, bullying and evil I guess he just couldn't take it any more. I'm looking forward to her death but she'll probably linger to cause as much hurt and chaos as she can before she leaves this world. Evil people seem to do that for some reason.
Tex, I just don't know what to say. Dear God. Big hugs to you.
These days my mother is mostly out of it and sleeps pretty much 24/7. I visit about once a week and she's so frail and weak she doesn't have the strength to be nasty. If she starts, I leave and as she has no other visitors (ran friends off years ago) she's learning to mind her mouth.
It's been several months since I took the ultimate stand and I'm recovering slowly. I will never be the same as I was once, all I can do is try to rebuild my life one step at a time, but I'll never be totally free until she dies (good riddance!). I now live out in the country in a dilapidated cottage, which I'm gradually fixing up, on 2 acres with my beloved dogs and cats. Getting things in place on the land to grow my own fruit & veg and keep poultry, leading a simpler lifestyle, It's so very quiet here and that has helped in my healing. I've thought of doing some volunteer work - maybe in the future as, for now, I prefer to have little to do with humans.
I'm rambling but, bottom line, you have to get Mommie Dearest out of your house pronto! NH, AL or whatever it takes. You must do this before you drop dead, then where would your hubby and family be? Should you drop dead what will Mommie Dearest say? Probably the same thing mine said "What happens to me if something happens to you?" Never mind I may be seriously injured or dead! Narc b*tch, but she's been that way since I was a small child. These days I pay her bills and see she has all she needs but, emotionally, I'm dead inside, she's just a duty.
Please make plans to get rid of her, for your sake and hubby's. We care about you and what happens to you! Hang in there kiddo!
Not knowing what your surgery is can't guess how much recuperation you will need or how your finances are. I am assuming it is something as severe as work on your spine. Typically this needs an overnight stay but may still be may be classified as outpatient . Call your surgeons office and ask if there is any way you can be sent to rehab for a few days. also call your insurance and explain your situation to see if you qualify for any kind of care. The way you are feeling you need to be out of the house for at least a week. If my guess about the sugery is correct you will have some pain which will be well contoled with the meds they will prescribe but a little TLC would be in order. Is there anyone you can stay with for a few days. You should not need them to be home or really do anything for you. As long as they can provide an evening meal you can get yourself a bowl of cereal and coffee for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch. after a night or two at home you could even go to a hotel. You are just so upset with this miserable woman at the moment home is not the place to be. However good hubby is at taking care of you she is going to find ways of making your life hell. That is unless your house has five floors, your room is on the top and she can't climb stairs. Even so she will do something I guarentee it. Just being under the same roof will stress you as you are on your last nerve right now.
Have you had surgery before? I can tell you are very anxious but i dread the dentist the most. As long as they put me out I am a happy camper. The nurses will be very kind and take extremely good care of you, they are experts at their jobs in this area. The worst part is usually having the IV set up after that relax and enjoy the ride.
Once this is over get that woman out of your house you can't care for her for the rest of her life or feeling the way you do the rest of yours.
Do something good for your self between now and Thurday, get your hair done,restyled some color added and have your nails done but no color anesthesiologist won't allow that.
Now stop panicing, make a list and plan a nice easy dinner tonight. On Monday make that appt for Mother's mamo that will give her something to obscess about.
Even sagging 78 year old boobs need to be flattened every 2 yrs. Medicare covers the full cost of that. And be careful what you say about old boobs on this forum many of us here look with disbelief at what remains or our perky breasts as we try and corral them into a bra each morning. Big or small they take on a life of their own. Try and feel better and stop worrying Tex we all wish you the best many many Hugs.
WE care about your surgery and the pain and adjustments you will have to make... WE care that you are feeling so bad about your weight..... WE care that she is bringing out these feelings in you.... and WE care that you are so upset...... get this surgery behind you, and while in bed..... get a pen and paper and make a list of things that are going to CHANGE.... make the choice to pick one thing on that list and give it all your effort.... I feel so bad for you..... and I truly appreciate your honesty.... this is how I get angry.... so I TOTALLY understand.... you are not alone..... sending you lots of hugs this morning.....and prayers for change......
Hm. Introducing a subject by asking a question that's ostensibly about you but actually about her - what a classic.
Tex, as you said yourself, you're feeling really down. Only I don't think it's actually about the weight (that's part of it, but not the root), is it? It's the whole situation - your mother living with you, the surgery, how you're going to recuperate. And I have to say that this bit is SO UNFAIR (and it's what we do all the time) - you're the one who's ill enough to need surgery, so how come you're the one scurrying around making sure no one else will be inconvenienced by it?
Don't mind me, I'm just spitting feathers on your behalf. But meanwhile, given that there isn't time and it wouldn't be a good idea anyway to crash-diet any difference to your weight between now and Thursday, just somehow take a little time to yourself to breathe and relax. Even if it's just pick up your keys, step outside and march round the block. Do something for you. Big hug.