This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
The funny thing was - when aunty died in January, my siblings got soooo worried like you - and said that about death coming in 3's. I didn't believe them. I just thought it's superstition. Because aunty has told my dad that her heart is so bad that she can die at any given moment. She has been ordered by her doctor that she can no longer drive because of this. .... Even when my mom died, I still didn't believe it because - as mom's caregiver, mom has been at death's door too many times. But this time, I'm at the wheel, and I have mom's DNA form, and I was going to honor it (unlike dad.) Then when uncle died from cancer. Again, cancer is so prevalent. I have friends fighting cancer, and a first cousin fighting cancer, my oldest sister's granddaughter died of cancer. One person dies of cancer every 3 days here. Soooo... coincidence... And I'm sticking to THAT. =)
Well I told you about the women I was friends with yrs ago who's husband stabbed her to death #1
My good friend lost her sister on Sunday #2
And a friend of mine just came by to tell me that another women I worked with about 7 yrs ago got into a car wreck and died on Saturday..#3
I hope that's all for awhile!
Take care of yourself and you will get your things packed in no time. Just think of the positive things like not having to wash the dishes in the tub much longer. o_o
I'm glad you've got a good stout firewall in place now, emotionally speaking, though? Much needed if you're going to keep up the - I have to say - noble and virtuous work of still lifting a finger to help her.
I still think the dang NH should be doing it, though. What if you actually were in traction? They'd let her teeth fall in?
Monday, while shopping, I bought her a boom box (she wanted so bad) along with a new blouse. Tuesday I went back to the NH with headphones and a CD I knew she liked. She was delighted at the time but by today she'll be complaining about them ... the boom box doesn't work, take it back, she'd have preferred the blouse in another colour and so on. I continue to pay her bills, ensure she has what she needs and take her treats but, mentally and emotionally, I'm dead inside. I've given up. Nothing in her life has ever made her happy and nothing ever will.
My dad is complaining of a sore in his mouth. I said that it's from not brushing his teeth. He insists that chewing gum is enough to clean the teeth. I even gave him his toothbrush and he doesn't want to do it. He just muttered, "Don't tell me what to do. I'm not stupid." He will only listen to a Male. I wonder when the male nurse is going to visit? I need to give him heads up so that he can tell my dad the importance of brushing his teeth.
As for completing work in the house why is this having to be done Were these things stipulation of the sale
You are #1 Lav let bro take care of the house.
I smiled wider because I love bright colorful clothes. I was wearing my deep purple jeans, and a sleeveless blouse that looks like a toga top in bright orange, green, yellow flowers (more like the green stems and splashes of bright leaves). I looked at my clothes, and said that I love bright colors.
She said, "No, I meant that you have such a bright smile. You look happy." Ooohhh... I feel bad. Because after she left, I looked at oldest sis. She looked soooo tired. You know, she wouldn't be so tired if she learned to be a little bit firm with dad. My dad used to expect me to jump every time he makes a request. After constant battles, he now makes requests and adds "when you get up." Although I wished I did not stay home on Tuesday/Thursday on my week vacation leave, I still know in my heart that sis also needed a vacation from dad. FYI, fave sis had to babysit dad on a recent Saturday. When I came home at 3pm, she looked awful. I chuckled and asked her if - every time she sat down, he asked for something else? She showed irritation and said, "Yeah!!! Why couldn't he ask for it when I was still standing up?!" Fave niece told me that her mom said that she didn't know how tiring it was to babysit grandpa.
Thursday I escort her (para transit bus) in my truck a few miles to get her dentures relined. Establishing ground work I've mentioned they appear to be of middle eastern descent (long clothing, head scarves) and her horrified reaction was "You mean they're pakis??!!!"
If she kicks up, refuses to let "pakis" touch her and is abusive to them I'll sit her in the waiting room to wait until the para transit bus comes to get her and take her back to the NH and I will leave her to get on with it. I've had a lifetime of her cr*p and won't tolerate it for a minute longer.
She dozed off for about 15 minutes... Yikes..
It's nice to have no complaints...
Until tomorrow when she has a doctors appt!!
I explained to her that dad tends to spill his drink on himself. One time I came home from work, and when time to change him before bedtime, I found the whole bed, waterproof pad, his clothes soaking wet. He also spills his honey/water drink on the bed. She didn't smile much. My oldest sister and dad may try to appease her. If I can change his shirt 2-3 times a day, then they can change his bedding once a day. While I tried to explain to her how he spills drinks on himself, she was not listening to me. She was trying to rush my dad's one hour so that she can leave early. I Helped her to clean him even though dad kept ordering me to leave them alone so that she can do him by herself. I refused. It's faster if 2 people work on him than just one person.
You know what really bugged me the most? Look, I change dad's pampers by myself. I tape the side of his Depend pamper that is closest to me. Then I bend over and tape the one opposite me. How hard is that???? Nope, she told me to go and tape up the other side opposite her. She was pissed off at me and wanted to show it. I did it because I'm not into power play - and I just want her out of here ASAP.
The last time I was here on a Thursday, she was NOT going to wash his hair or bedding. I INSISTED that she do it because the next gov't caregiving visit would have be on Monday. I explained to BOTH cg and dad that I want his hair and the bedding washed on Thursdays. Because the next visit is Monday. That is 3 days of no hair washing and soiled sheet. She was NOT a happy camper when she left today. {{{smiling}}} She is going to be soooo surprised to find me here again on Thursday!!!
I live out in the country now with my beloved dogs and cats on 2 acres surrounded by fields and forests. I'm gradually renovating this wee dilapidated house, planting trees and shrubs and starting to grow some veggies. I'm slowly getting better but, at the mercy of a narc life long I doubt I'll ever come back to what I might have or could have been. It's akin to having PTSD.
As is usually the case, all but two friends, who had been through it, abandoned me when the going got tough and I have no family. I think I might like to do a little volunteer work down the road but, for the foreseeable future I'm perfectly content to keep to myself and putter about the property. At this point I really don't like most humans.
It is great that he apologized!