This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
In the meantime, every night, I drink, and I drink too much, a bottle of wine a six pack of beer....everyday, sometimes I make myself sick to get rid of the alcohol I SAY I will not drink, but every night I do. I always had my husband to commit to and now I don't and I am going to probably die from liver disease before he goes, and the guilt I feel just makes it so much worse, if I leave him alone without me..I loves me more than anything on earth. I am a failure
Sorry for going on like this. The craziness is what I have trouble with. He is just blathering on...nothing makes sense. But he seems happy, so guess that is good. Some people on the caregiver threads say it is time for the nursing home, but as he still can manage to feed himself I think it still might be a little while. He started taking an anti psychotic, which is for the aggression and threats, I am horrified about the drugs he takes and the side effects. But he has taken them for decades. And I can't fix this.
All I can do is breathe. (although I can smell the pee with every breath...aaaahhh)
I can't fix this. I can't fix this. All I can do is be kind.
Thanks for listening. I am sure this is not unique.
Christine
Shiloh - Oh, I am soooo happy for you. Your mom was happy and that made you feel great. I hope it keeps going well for you. Take care of YOU!!!
LadeeM _ Please Take care of YOU!!! Lots of hugs and chocolate.
My bro called yesterday. He told me that my share of the house was such and such. Well, I told him that he needs to write down what he is taking out of MY share. He is trying to wipe his feet on the doormat (me) again. He told me that because we had to sell the house as is that he will not be able to do what he planned to do with the money. Give Me A Break!! Where did this sense of entitlement come from. He has to be adopted I swear. We are not at all alike. I keep telling him that we are lucky that we have anything left by mom and dad. A lot of people don't have that. No gratitude at all. Take care of all of YOU!!!
But ya'll know how I feel about it not being my clients, its the families I put up with that make my job harder, and these people are in 'their right mind' and I use that term loosely.... and I pity who ever ends up taking care of them......
Shilo..... so good to hear you and mom had a great day.... they do happen sometimes don't they..... even last night at work, all was calm... MrM is going down rapidly and in denial..... he is 94, bone cancer... and daughter told me last night he is going to ask the dr about treatment..... he will never survive the chemo and radiation, and it will not prolong his life anyway... I pray he has a good dr that is upfront and honest with him.....
Cujo was in a good mood last night, so things went good for a change... tho she was very upset that she had to sleep in a bed and house that wasn't hers.... a lot of reassurance that they 'had permission' to be there..... and she did want to know if they would get breakfast the next morning..... I assured her she could have anything she wanted for breakfast..... I hate this disease, with a passion.... what it turns them into, and in turn, what it does to us......
So, will head toward the future and get going...... love to you all...
Anyhow almost no sleep due to insomnia then a dry hacking cough kept awake rest of night. Finally dozed off after 4:30 then crawled back in bed an hour later till 7:15. Thankfully dad stsyed in bed longer this morning but pretty much wiped.
Three weeks until dad moves into assisted living then maybe sleep to finally come back.
I have something to be grateful for today. Actually it was yesterday...all day...but it deserves another day of being thankful. Yesterday was my mother's birthday. Part of me was dreading having to help her answer the cell phone when the ugly villains called her to wish her happy birthday. It was such a perfect day (for me) since there were no calls. No calls, no cards, no presents from the villains as usual. I helped her call her brother and then helped her call the one duckling I am still civil to. He had called while she was talking to her brother. Her brother talked to me for a minute afterward just to say she was very perky/lively today. That made me feel good. We had dinner at my aunt's which is her SIL. There were a couple other people there that are my mother's age which she gets along with well. She enjoyed herself so much on her birthday. I bought her a tweety pajamas which she put on sometime during the night...she didn't sleep last night even with her melatonin. She has been asking me for a spinet piano for the past year and almost every day for the past several months. I thought it was her dementia at first but came to realize that she really really wants a piano. Do not have money for a real piano so I bought her an electric keyboard. She was surprised and started playing a couple tunes. One was from a book her brother bought and sent. The other was Happy Birthday she remembered from memory. Now I was the one surprised. She is shall I say rusty but after not playing for over 20 years what do you expect. She will pick it up quickly I am sure...at least my ears hope she will pick it up quickly, LOL. There was not one bad thing that happened to us yesterday and that is something we are thankful for. If it happened we don't want to know about it. She did not even mention anything about those things of hers not acknowledging her birthday. I suppose it made her happy too! Oh, what a day!!! Thank you for yesterday.
I can handle the 'you're doing it for love not money' thing.
What p*sses me off is when the same people who think it immoral to accept money from the parent you're devoting your time to, also criticise you for failing to be financially responsible for your own upkeep. I get quite a lot of that, sigh…
What needs to be accepted and addressed is - hot news! - that Living Costs Money. And the more help you need with living, the more it costs. And whether the parent is paying for it by supporting the caregiving child, or the caregiving child is paying for it through unwaged labour, it STILL costs. It's a question of who bears the cost. And, Book, why should that have to be thee and me, eh? We need to get harder-nosed.
A&A - I did enjoy your words on the Q&A, if he has to ask...um, dah what do ya think any who...
So, how did the 2 dips react? =)
I know how hard this must be for you, please don't take it the wrong way.
They said the usual "they took care of you for 18 years" blah, blah, blah...
Usually I just ignore but they caught me at a weak moment..
Happy thoughts... Hope everyone has a better day than yesterday...
I'm smiling wryly: your father may think you're only good for housework, cooking and tending him. Does that mean you have to agree???
You've spotted your long-distance problem, too: that the capital assets, the house and land, seem likely to be heading your brother's way in the future. Well, now. So what provision are you making for you? I know it's a scary question, but it's better faced now than later...
When mom was alive and needed to go to the ER, I tried for weeks to get him to take her. He refused. So, I decided one day, to go next door to bro's house. The only one home was my 16 yr old nephew. I was in my late 30s or early 40s. My Father Listened to my 16 yr old nephew - because he is a MALE.
On his recent hospital visit, I tried to get him to go the ER. He refused. I went next door, and my 2 nephews came over. He agreed to go. Get it? As a Female, I am Nothing to him. I am only good to keep house, cook, wash his clothes and fetch.
And that is why I'm pressuring baby bro that he needs to come back home and either get dad to include his name in the house/land or get POA. My fear is - that if bro gets his name in the house/land, and he marries his gf - I'm screwed. So now, I'm backing off. I won't pressure him anymore because he doesn't want POA. He will only listen to a Male. Only.
Lav, at least heat some water in the micro wave.. plumbers are expensive... but I bet if you went online, you could figure out how to fix it yourself.... I have a clogged sink right now.... and that's what I am going to do to fix it....
I can't wait for my next day off !!!! I know, I know, ya'll don't get days off.... but my body is screaming... I did way too much yesterday..... up and down the steps is what got me I think.....
My new little ac is keeping things nice and cool in the Grapes of Wrath wagon... I may actually make it this summer...... and Book , you asked about tornados..... we have them here occasionally.... but we don't have basements or storm cellars. Have not been any where I live..... so maybe you just need to think about moving to Texas..... we have swamps to mountains here, and everything in between.....
Will talk to ya'll tomorrow.... hugs, love, angels and chocolate..... and no demons....
Photo - Do you have a caregivers group to go to. There are plenty of places you can go to for help. I would suggest that you call council on aging in your area for help. I'm sorry I do not know you that well but you are not taking care of you. I was floundering taking care of my mother. A social worker care to see Mom for an assessment. At the end she motioned for me to go talk to her. She told me to get help because she could see me getting to the breaking point. I have been going to one on one and group therapy and also on meds for depression. I feel a lot better. Please keep coming back in here. It is the best place on earth. Take Care Of YOU!!!!!!
Book - You really have a dilemma on your hands. Maybe it is not as it seems to be. I hope that bro's relationship will not be in jeopardy from his relationship. Why do we always have some kind of BS going on. I hope that your brothers remember what you did for your mother and father. When it comes to the nitty gritty. Take care of YOU!!!
Well. I still have to wash dishes in the backyard. I think that this could be bad. The dishes are not getting very clean without hot water. Rinsing with cold water. Oh well. I am p o'd . Bro said that we can not prove that inspector did the harm. Jeez! We do not close until July 30th. My birthday. So it will be awile before I can use a decent sink. I am going to move the dish washing to the bathtub. That way I can run hot water. Pain in the big A. Let me get back to the dishes. Take care ya'll
No matter where we are Ladee and her m-cycle will keep all evil at bay so don't worry about that Book.
We could live in the north in summer time. I know there is a reservation just by the canadian border were everything is cheaper. Do you know which one I speak of Ladee, it is in NY around the Falls? In the winter, south were the weather is warmer and tornado/hurricane season has past...just for you Book.