This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I got a scam post on my private messages on my wall, I have notified admin.... you can go to the Dyfuncitonal Thread, ABB got one too and copy and pasted it there... you can read it in full..... please do not respond to this and let admin know if you have been contacted........
Then one month later, my therapist told me that I am so exhausted, that I was blacking out. He insisted that I tell my 7 siblings to help me. I told him it's no use. He insisted. He said to Tell Them that if I continue "as is", I would die of exhaustion or land in the hospital. I told my siblings. Nothing. Happened.
My doctor does NOT understand what we caregivers are going through. He truly doesn't. My therapist, I met only twice, and he caught on quickly how exhausted I was. And this was a month after my annual checkup. Of the two, you can tell who Listens and uses their eyes to discern their patients.
No, I'm afraid that he will order another MRI. I went through that once. I swear when I was in that machine, I felt my blood or my synapses moving to the sound, flashing lights or magnetic field of that MRI. During the MRI, as I felt the inside of my brain moving (or felt as if it was moving), I was so scared it would mess up my synapses that I would come out of the MRI with a messed up brain.
FYI, here on island, it is expected that family takes care of family or their elderly parents. If I happen to die while caregiving, then that expectation will fall on oldest sis. If she dies while caregiving, then older sis in the states, will most likely step up to the plate. There are 8 of us kids.
Assandy, Cm, and everyone - if today's your new day, I hope it's a better day today than it was yesterday. Especially you, LadeeM! =)
I promise you, the one sure way to drive a doctor NUTS is not to tell him about something that's bothering you. How can he help you if you don't tell him what's going on? You're stopping the poor man doing his job.
Grrrrrr!!!! Get back there as soon as you can, promise? x
The nurse came. He was writing down dad's prescriptions into the logsheet. He asked me when will I give the potassium, tomorrow? I said, no. Today. He had one for Lunch. I asked him if he took his pill at lunch and he said yes. So there should be 3 pills in there. The nurse looked inside, counted 4. He said no, there's only 3. It cannot be! I specifically wrote in the pad when to give it to him. He said he took the pill for lunch. Can you count his antibiotic pills?
The nurse counted it 4 times. And all 4 times - he counted only 11 pills. I picked up his meds yesterday after work. I started giving it to him today. There should have been 13 pills left - not 11. He used 3 pills today. OMG!!!! Sis gave him his antibiotics for lunch and dinner!!! The nurse and I stared at each other. I started stressing on how to handle this. Then I remembered we have the one-week pill dispenser that fave sis bought for dad. Each day has 4 rows: Morning, Noon, Evening, Bed. Nurse admired it. HE took the pills out of the container and distributed each to its respective time to be taken. I told him that even with that, sis will not follow. He just looked at me. There's only so much that we can do, right? She will do whatever my dad tells her to do. Period.
Good news. My cholesterol went down. 6 months ago it was 227. It's now 177. Trig from 46 is now 32, LDL was 152 is now 107, and HDL was 64 is now 65. (oops, with the HDL, I was eating sausages weekly and KFC chicken - yum!!!) Overall - all of it meets the Optimal requirement except for the LDL - which optimal is Less 100. I'm just off by 7.
I took the Lipitor of 10mg as daily as I can remember to take it. Guess what the doctor did? Guess?!!! He UPPED MY DOSAGE!!! Why?! It went down. Why did he up the dosage? I'm only off by 7 out of all 5 Lipid Panel. .... And I gained 2 lbs. I knew I was gaining when I tried on my niece's borrowed dresses the day before the dinner. I was bulging more - on both of the dresses that I borrowed. Hence my panic. I'm so glad that that is over.... Still brainstorming on where to go next. I'm leaning back to going to Hawaii. Maybe this time - just for the weekend. Hotel cost is way too expensive.
LadeeM – I was counting all your ‘disasters.’ You surpassed the ‘all bad things comes in three.’ Maybe from the new day on, you will have positives. Unfortunately, that may not work for things that are old and is on its last breathe (old fridge). You are one very strong lady!!!
Turn-page, I’m so glad that hospice is helping a lot with MIL. It sure makes a difference when someone is there doing most of the work while we can relax a bit, right? AND someone to talk with. That’s how I learned a lot on how to caregive with my mom. I watched and asked lots of questions. Learned soooo many things from them. And just their description of some of their patients having bedsores that went deep inside until you see the bones. Eeww!! That registered to me and dad. Since then, we have always been so aggressive on Prevention. The govt caregivers are always happy to share their knowledge.
My parent former landlord still screwing around returning security deposit. Mom died in March I know I am going to get stuck paying utilities even though my sis called the power company and said since Mom was only name on bill once she passed away no longer our responsibility and I did make sure it was paid until Dad moved in.
But a bit concerned about my vision in one eye as its been foggy for almost two weeks. I do have eye doc appt tomorrow afternoon while dad in daycare so I can get an answer.
Lav, about time..... I can't imagine being talked to like that, well, other than L talking to me like that all the time...but from a sib??? I would have closed those stairs and left him there until he apologized..... lol.... I'm sorry, I know the things he says slices the skin.... but people only do what we let them do.....and that even includes those we care for..... what is he going to do , get mad and holler??? Whoopdedoo!!
You have friends.... get them to help you move... sounds like once you get settled in your new place it will be time to put some distance between you and bro for awhile....and don't start feeling hyper-responsible about getting things done..... you have carried the load for years now.... just look at him and say... " Tag, your it" and walk away......can't wait to hear about the new apartment, the new job, and you WILL get a job, and the new freedoms you are going to feel.... sending you hugs and chocolate....
Dad was released from the hospital. They do not have a urologist. So the attending doctor kept emphasizing that my dad needs to follow-up with the Urologist. That will never happen. Dad's home care doctor (female) has tried several times to get him to go. She even offered to call 911 so that he goes by ambulance and she will meet him at the clinic, and they would see the urologist together. He Refused. The nurses, and myself have brought it up once in a while. In the end, I gave up. I think that dad knows that there's something wrong and he just doesn't want it confirmed. He's still spotting blood - per the hospital nurse before he was released.
According to sis, dad threw a temper tantrum on the way home, getting mad at her. She said that the EMS kept asking her if she was okay. He was being his usual verbal abusive self. He tried that with me on Saturday. I got mad at him and nipped it in the bud. He chose to back down because I'm willing to dish it right back to him. And he doesn't want to be shamed in front of another male person. (But he has no problem doing it to us.)
He's fine today. Yesterday, when I visited him, he was confused. Today, he looks like he's back to norm.
Mom and I talked about this extensively when I got home today - she said, "just consider the source, and remember that you are doing the right thing - both you and I know it, and that's all that matters." Out of the mouths of babes (or in this case, out of the mouths of our elders...) comes such profound wisdom.
(Rant ahead...sorry, seems like this is all I do lately....)
Found out today that my oldest sister has apparently been talking to my other siblings behind my back about me - and that my other siblings have been sticking up for me, thank goodness. She apparently threw a fit in a phone call to my brother when she found out that mom was giving me the house after her passing - she ranted about me "getting the house for free". Ok...so this is a70+ year old house with 2 useable bedrooms (one of which doubles as a laundry room), a basement with a mold problem and no egress windows, so it can't be used as liveable space, a single bathroom that is smaller than most walk-in closets, and only one bedroom has a useable closet. THAT'S the huge asset that she's throwing a fit about. It has an assessed taxable value of $14,500, and if sold, would maybe bring $20,000 if I was lucky, given all the issues it has. It's worth more if it were razed and a new building put on the property. She thinks I'm getting it for free - that it's mortgage free. Sorry - wrong. It still has 2 mortgages on it, and who does she think is paying double payments on those to get it paid off sooner, so mom can say she owns it free and clear before she dies? ME. My brother said, "Look, YOU have a house...I have a house...other sister has a house of her own too. Do you really want that house, or is it just that you don't want HER to have it??" That shut her up. She claims not to want the house, but apparently doesn't want me to have it either.
She also ranted about the "big pension payment" that we get from Dad's pension every month. Um....ok. So you're talking about the $126.13 that gets direct deposited every month from his pension? Because that's all there is. That's your "big pension payment". If you figure out how much mom's monthly income would come down to on an hourly basis if she were working 40 hours a week, it would come to about $8 an hour. Oh yeah...big bucks. We're just rolling in dough over here and living the high life.
Apparently that's what she thinks, though. I'm just living off Mom's money and abusing her finances. Right...that's why I work 60+ hours per week to make enough money to make ends meet so I can pay my own bills plus some of Mom's. If I were abusing her finances, she wouldn't have a vehicle to drive, her credit would be in shambles, her house would be foreclosed on and her utilities would be cut off. None of that is happening, because I make sure the bills are paid every month, even if it means sometimes putting my own needs or my own bills off for a week or two to take care of Mom's. I need to pay off some old bills that are affecting my own credit, but I haven't yet, because I've been helping Mom.
Sure, I'm getting the house when mom passes away - but in ways she doesn't even begin to think about, I pay for this house every single day that I'm living here. I pay for it when I struggle to get Mom to shower (today is one of those days again, and the odor has me throwing open the windows and lighting candles); when I clean urine up off the floor when she loses control of her bladder when she stands up; when I wipe off the toilet seat every time Mom uses it because she drags herself off the seat and leaves "residue" behind; when I struggle to get Mom in and out of the van, haul her wheelchair or scooter out and take her anywhere; when I remind her to take her pills and I fill her pillbox every week because she wouldn't be taking them on time otherwise; when I wash her soiled undergarments and clean up the feces she leaves on the tub chair when she showers, because she won't let me help her bathe....in this way and many more, I "pay" for this house - every single day. And that doesn't even begin to touch the financial aspect - because when Dad died, Mom's income was reduced by about $700 a month - but she still has to pay her normal bills and have food to eat and clothes on her back. I pay for all the groceries, all the vehicle repairs, I buy mom clothing that she hasn't had new for years, I pay the co-pay on her prescriptions, I pay for the cable bill so she can have some entertainment (something Dad refused to do for their entire marriage), and I pay for our annual trips north to her hometown. But I never throw this in my siblings' faces or chew them out for not helping. I wish they would, but I don't make an issue of it.
Really hoping this dies down soon...I was so upset when my brother told me all this today at breakfast that I couldn't even eat. I just sat there. I don't know what I ever did to my sister to make her treat me this way, but apparently I've committed some unpardonable sin in her eyes.
Sorry again for the rant. This was just so upsetting this morning. My brother was worried that maybe he shouldn't have told me - I told him no, I definitely needed to know there was a snake lurking in the weedy field of our family, so I can be careful in the future.
The pollen is so thick here today you can see clouds of it blowing in the wind!
I'm not allergic but it does stick to my contacts if I'm out in it too long.. Yuck! Makes my eyes itchy.. So I just wear my glasses..