This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
It will save you a lot of heartache. Try to get people to come stay with her so you can have some time for yourself. You both are going to have a lot changes coming your way. Always, take care of YOU!!!!
Shilo8 - Good luck with finding a place to live. When you find a place be ready to fork out a lot for a deposit and turning on utilities. Good luck with selling the townhouse. Have you buried a St. Joseph statue in a garden or ground around the place. Don't laugh, I thought people were crazy to tell me to do that. I got a very small plastic statue . You have to bury it upside down and cover it with a couple inches of dirt. Before you do this make sure that the statue is facing the house. Then pray the st. joseph prayer at night. The day after I buried mine we had a showing. I know it is crazy but my realtor says it works. Take care of YOU!!!!
Hi there -I will have to fork out a lot of money starting out. $300.00 deposit for a cat. She is a good cat. She has never scratched any furniture. I trained her with a scratching pad with catnip on it when she was a kitten. I spent hours last night posting furniture for sale. I got a lot of calls and one buyer. I went through my clothes to see which ones I was keeping or giving away and packed up my kitchen. Jeez, it was like someone gave me a shot of vitamin B12. LOL I am getting nervous about the appraiser and inspector coming on the 10th. Well, back to work. Take care everyone.
Asmithshi start by setting some bounderies. If you don't smoke do you want the whole house to smell like an ash tray. She smokes outside or in one room with an extracter fan on. She has certain tasks around the house and is expected to do them. Do you have children in the house. In many states it is considered child abuse to expose them to second hand smoke. you already don't like the way she lives. it is going to be far worse 24/7 when she expects you to wait on her full time. She is going to become a total parasite on you and will suck the life out of you. your friends will disappear in record time becaus she is not going to want them in the house and if you try to continue a social life you will get endless phone calls asking when you are comming home. if the move in is alredy a done deal there is not much you can do about it but please start finding her alternative accomodation. Get her on every list there is in your area for public and subsidized housing. If she only has SS she will qualify for all sorts of things. Are you married? her attitude willsoon try hubby's patients if not end the marriage. How about working? Have you thought about what you will do when she needs full time care? it will happen pretty fast once she has you on a short leash. I know you love your Mom and feel you should help her in her old age which is all fine and dandy and an excellent attitude to have but do think this through. This woman is going to continue to be the elephant sitting in the living room chain smoking and waiting for the next meal to be served. Thsi sounds like a nasty reply to you post as you sound so hopeful about changing mom's life for the better but it ainst going to happen. I can be a nasty old lady but you need a wake up call and reinforcement of your doubts. Feel free to send a nasty reply I don't have any skin in this game I just want the best for you and untimaely for your Mom you both deserve better.
Lav - LOL, Goodbye Jim Bob. I hope you are making progress with your packing. I have thought about you as I myself am searching for a rental house and doing a little packing. The realtor showed the townhouse we live in yesterday and today. Take care.
I see him slowly go down all my steps and am fearful of a fall. Then I would really feel guilty if that would happen. Have a told dad about the potential move no as he probably will not remember. Just the hope that he will be in a good new home with lots of activities and his peers makes me feel better.
Know that I am thinking of you.
Found out yesterday that MrM has cancer that has spread to his bones.... when he was going thru this last hospitalization, they found a growth on his right kidney.... he is 94, and refuses any drastic options.... so, right now, he is in pain, and refusing to accept his limitations.... he fell last Fri, the day lady had left and daughter was running late, so he finally managed to set up, and sat there for over an hour waiting for someone to come help... L is incapable of using the phone... he was outside... he had been mowing.... so is in a lot of pain now.....
L keeps the carpet hot most of the night, up, down, up , down, getting into stuff, last night, at 1am she decided she wanted hot chocolate...... after the mess she made because she will not let any one help.... and her drinking her concoction.... I TOLD her she had to go to bed and stay there..she was making too much noise and disturbing MrM with all her activity.... she FINALLY went to bed and stayed there....
She is giving the day lady h*ll also.... she, on some level, knows something is wrong with MrM, so I feel that is contributing to her restlessness....who knows.
So, don't know how this is going to change my plans, but I feel the family will want MrM in a Hospice situation away from home.... when the time comes....L would be too stressed and always trying to help if they do Home Hospice....
We make plans, and God laughs..... so I am just doing this one day at a time.... All I know for sure..... this is my LAST caregiving job, no matter how and when it ends.....too much death.... too close together.
love and hugs to you both for HEARING me.......
So your grief has gone unrecognised and you have managed to keep it under wraps so sometime somewhere it has to come out. Other nurses and caregivers are part of a team and have collegues to share their grief so the healing is possible. In the end there is only so much someone can bear and they either become hardened and callous or they have to stop. It is importent to know when to stop. Others may not be happy with your decision but if you know your self you will make the right one. Love and hugs my friend
I have my Mom to care for and I can promise you I will NEVER voluntarily do this again.
You have a big heart and it shows... Hugs..
I really believe one thing people do not really get about paid caregivers, is that we get close to those we care about , on some level... and deeper levels with some of them..we loose them and we go to the next job....
We carry our grief and scars to the next job..... keeping a tight lid on it so that it doesn't affect our being able to be 100% present for who we are caregiving for now....
And then life just says.... wait.... you are carrying too much undealt with feelings...... and that is where I am now..... I will still put the 'mask' on and go do what needs to be done.... but I really need to be able to cry for about two weeks straight and then just pick up and move forward..... don't we wish that life was more simple...... so, I deeply appreciate that I can come here and share... and read that others are going thru much worse than me.... and to simply be grateful that I am feeling sorrow and loss..... I'll get to the other side, I always do....but I am always so reluctant to share what is really going on with me.... so needed to take this risk, if nothing else to get some of it out of my head...... and to know I have a safe place to put it down for awhile.... love and hugs to all of you...
My mom is able to get to the bathroom by herself, but this is one of the most bizarre dysfunctional family situations! Sibs just do not recognize the need for care for my mom. They went as far as paying a deposit for a facility, without discussing with ANYBODY! Then guardian is appointed to make residential decisions for my mom. She is in big trouble with siblings because it has been determined that my mom's welfare is best met at home, with day care. They have absolutely no clue!
Sole, I know this is hard, but so is what you are doing..... somewhere you have it in your mind you are abandoning him and letting him down..... that is so far from the truth...!!!! What you are doing is absolutely showing love to your dad.... you are exhausted and not really able to take care of him as you would like... and you will advocate for him in the NH.... visit, and have so much more to give him now ....... I wish there was some way we could make this easier for you.... but I also feel if you weren't so exhausted you would not be so emotional.... of course this is the last thing we want to do.... but it is time... or you won't be there to care for him, and he would end up in a NH with no one..... so keep coming back here and sharing.... we are listening, you are not alone....Hugs
Glad , I am glad you sent it to them..... maybe hearing it from someone besides you will get their attention.... and to me, this is about you not having any regrets..... at least you tried.....Hugs
I too, wonder what in the world that one in five family knows and does that we don't know about. I would love to know where to find more related statistics somewhere.