This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
You have made a good start by reaching out to people on this site. You have the entire internet at your disposal. You are not restricted to watching re runs of the Golden Girls. Yes we all get old and no one wants to but we all adapt either happily or miserably it is a choice. there are many people here you can talk to or even email privately if they agree. The Admins can arrange it if there is someone you feel you would like to feel closer to. Don't give up.
KayBee – I would have had a meltdown, too. Does your mom wear Depends at nights? Not that that would stop her from taking it off at nights. Uhm… count your blessings that it’s not the poop stage yet? My dad is in the stage of touching himself Inside the pampers. The poop smeared all over is Not poop but Dirt…per my dad.
Wantingtime, diabetes runs in my family. I soooo dread getting it. The Lipitor I’m taking for my high cholesterol has a side effect that affects older women. It causes diabetes. I get so torn about taking it daily. Because I’m so terrified of needles, I don’t know how I’m going to handle the insulin shots. You can research diabetes. From what I understand, you Can drink soda – but you must limit how Much to intake. Well..that’s what someone who had diabetes told me. So, better research it and be aware of your limits.
I am totally depressed. Beyond depressed. I just want to lay down and sleep til I die. I can't spend any money, I can't eat..my life is over. ALL I have to look forward to is more and more health problems and decline.
It isn't what we wanted but it is a start. We are going to negotiate. We also have another showing in the morning.
I did put a block on bro's phone. Guess what, an hour ago I had a knock on the door. It was him and his wife asking why he could not get me or text me. I lied and told him "I don't know". Whooppppssss!!! The reason he needed to talk to me was that we had an offer. Boy, did I feel bad. Oh well, ill get over it. I am so excited and will be praying on my knees tonight and also to pat St. Joseph statue in the garden. Well, you all take care now. I have to clean the house again. I will let you all know.
I had just posted the text about moments like that and one about my mom came to mind. You never know when they are going to pop up. Well, I was getting coffee at a convenience store and put extra java shot in my coffee. They have those little plastic cups with the creamer in them. Well, when mom would get coffee at a restaurant she would take on of those creamers and poke holes in the top with a fork. Then turn the creamer upside down and squeeze the creamer and go moo!!!. She got such a kick out of that. Although come to think about it was a little embarrassing when we were in a very nice restaurant.
One time I was with my friends at a Shoney's and did that. They looked at me like I was losing it. LOL Take care of Ya'll.
As my mother and I got out of the car from her PT appointment this morning she said "I don't know which one of us was more off key on that song you or me." I replied, "That's a case were two bad keys don't make a good one." I'm sure all the neighbors could hear us laughing.
Asmith - I was a year on this site (2 years ago) in which I keep reading people recommending Teepa Snow. So, I got curious and decided to watch her YouTube videos. Oh my! I learned a LOT from her videos. There was so much info per video, that I wasn't retaining it. So, I decided to Take Notes on the videos. I did. And a lot of things I missed just by only watching. By note-taking, I caught even more new information. I like her mini series: Making Visits Valuable
I'd quickly click on this link and bookmark it.
youtube/watch?v=sUgPm8RMa48
Okay, Shiloh, I gave the info to Asmith.... all the while squinting as I type. Time to go.
P.S.. dad is at the stage now where he throws things out of frustration. He threw the cordless phone because he's now struggling on how to call out. He just now threw the small box of Salonpas.
I can't remember when I started the 'chocolate' thing...I used to sign off with ... Hugs across the miles, and someone stole it..... but I call that the Caregivers Survival Kit..... Hugs, love, angels and chocolate.... who knows..... just me thinking I am unique..... lol
I have been ignoring L when she starts snapping at me... it's working.... she calms down,,, and things get back to normal.... and guess what ... no bath at 2am !!!! Progress, woot woot..... hugs everyone...
Off to take my mother to PT (physical therapy). Have a good day everyone.
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Dysfunctional parents use FOG fear obligation and guilt to manipulate others. Practice recognising these and not reacting to them. Detach from her and set boundaries.
some ideas about detaching -
Accept that they are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react
Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
As the disease progresses you may need to change your tactics.
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First you need to learn to detach with love. You can learn about this by googling it. It does not mean you don't care or have no feelings. What it does mean is that you learn this person has a history of using emotional abuse to control your feelings. Once you learn to stop letting that happen, you can detach, not feel the pain as harshly or the impact of her words.
She will use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG). The fear is the threats of disowning you, cutting you out of her life and you will not get the relationship with her that you desire. The obligation is you are my daughter, you should be doing this for me like everyone else's children do for their parents...so and so's daughter does...blah blah blah! The guilt.....I did this for you, I sacrificed that for you, this is how you repay me!!! Once you recognize the cycle that brings out the FOG, you will see that your mother will be fine without your intervention for every single crisis she has going on.
Next....do not do things for your mother with the intention that she will appreciate it. She will never appreciate because she believes she is entitled to it. Only take care of her physical needs....not her wants. Is it necessary that you send half a day running around looking for certain colored pillows or a pot for a plant? NO it is not. Does she need to have her toenails trimmed and a haircut...yes.
Learn the difference between needs and wants and stick to it. Believe me...she will put up a big fight about it, but she will get over it in a few weeks. Learn to detach...very important.
Lav - your brother really pissed you off! I guess he pushed and pushed until you finally reacted. Good for you.