This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Brandy, one thing you could do when your sister sends you an offensive email is send it back to her with the comment "Read this. How would you like it if it were sent to you?" I think that - I know I'm guilty, here - sometimes we should listen to ourselves, watch ourselves, to check how we're behaving… and possibly we might think twice the next time. You never know, it might pull her up short.
The NH is pulling a bit of a fast one in refusing to give you ANY information about your mother, unless your sister has instructed them not to (in which case she's being even more bonkers in expecting you to report back). POA or no POA, you're still her daughter, she's still your mother, and you do have a right to ask questions. Strictly medical matters would be subject to confidentiality regulations, true, but general welfare? Activities? Mood? How she's getting on, on the whole? Feel free, and expect civil answers to civil questions.
Have a good time! And congratulations you must be doing well!
Didn't make it to Kmart for lunch. I just remembered I needed to do something even more important.
Brandy, I don't think there's much you can do with sis. She's into power control. Completely. What you know - you must share. What she knows - is all for her only. What was your relationship when growing up? Was it always a power play? Baby sis - even at age 5 - got both parents around her thumb. She was always number 1 - ONLY. She got her way - and was completely spoilt rotten. She is still the same - number 1.
You have the option to decide what you want most. You know your sister best. What would it take for her to stop seeing as you a competition and more like a sludge? If you're a sludge, she may not mind updating you about mom. Whatever she tells you, you must never ever question her about it (as in contradict or censure her.) Your sister needs complete 100% control over your mother. How far are you willing to "stroke her feathers" until you feel like throwing up? Like I said, how far are you willing to go? And there is always the likelihood, even if you did all this - she may still not trust you. Again, based on your past relationship dealings and any hard words spoken to each other.
If anything, you may want a wider audience, by posting your own question.
Susan - I am glad it is over and done with. Who needs that kind of drama. Take care of YOU!!!!
Take care everyone!!!
Anyway. Scholl make these, I'm sure there are other brands too. But in any case nowadays I wouldn't even put on a pair of shoes that might hurt me; no, not even to follow my dream of being 5'10" ho ho ho.
Veronica, I used to wear medium heels lots of time when I attended the weekly worship about 20 yrs ago. I had to stop wearing any kind of heels (sandals, boots, etc..) when the foot area (ball of foot?) near my toes started hurting so badly, I was limping. I've been "breaking it in". I am now 99% sure that I won't be wearing these heels. Even with the padding I bought for that area, I can still feel all my body's weight pressing down on it. And the pain. I may end up using the decent flat (no slanting) black sandals I wore at mom's funeral.
Tomorrow, lunch time, I will go to Kmart. Even 23 years ago, it was difficult to find stockings. I ended up ordering my supplies off-island. Worse case scenario, I will buy those knee hi stockings, go to the lingerie store and see if I can find something to help hold up the stockings so that it doesn't fall down as I walk.
Midnight now. Later.
nothing wore than someone teetering around or arriving at the steps to the podium and not able to climb, it will look like Mt Everest with no hand rail. and worst of all if you fall and your dress flies up and exposes your neon underwear. is there time to order panyhose or could your brother send a pair from the States in time. Do the stores perhaps sell thigh highs that would work. Quit panicing or you will have all of us at it. Ask the capt i bet he wears Carhart wool socks till the first of July.
Nuts to them - just wear something that makes you happy, then you'll feel good, then you'll look great. And how cool is that, to have this occasion to go to! Well done x
Unless I find a black long gown, and do what you guys are suggesting. That one gown will be used for the next formal dinner I attend. Then what I will do is jazz it up with accessories. Maybe one dinner, I attend with a fancy shawl, the next time, an accessory around the waist, then the next time a nice pin bouquet on the dress or around my wrist, etc..... We will see after Saturday when I check out the clothes. Thanks for your ideas. I'm noting it on my kindle so when I go shopping I can figure out what to do....
Heels- is a definite must. Last night, or early this morning because I couldn't sleep (most likely stressing over what to wear for the function), I have decided to find a decent inexpensive fancy looking flats. Then when I reach the ballroom, I can switch to my high heels.
Tomorrow, I'm going to try to swing by Kmart to see if they have black stockings. I checked one mall yesterday, and none of the stores there sell stockings. Only knee highs. I wore knee highs before. My legs are skinny. Guess what happened while attending religious ceremony? =)
I never wore stiletos but I am ordered sensible shoes with a thick sole and good tread.
Did find a couple of long black skirts at a bag sale this morning. I have lost so much weight that all my clothes are falling off. At least it is thinning out the wardrobe.
You're right. These strangers asked this lady to have sex with them. She said no and ran. They tackled her, held her down and took turn with her...even a 12yr old boy. A female jogger heard her screaming,saw what was happening, fled away and called the cops. Last year. Made me realize that only in TV and in the movies that fleeing women get away. In reality, you don't.
Thank you both for the tips. I will ask sis and nieces for help. Almost 2am and I'm not sleepy at all....
Yes the stockings will jaz up the dress especialy if you choose some with a lacy pattern. Find some shoes that are comfortable but dressy. Be petite and classy.
Now remembering that this is not a funeral you need to brighten up the dress. here you can indulge your wild colors and find a bright scarf or shawl. Tie the scarf round you middle to hide the belly or around your neck to take their eyes to your face.
I don't know about the tradition of formal wear on your island being long skirts or dresses, it certainly isn't here these days. a long black skirt should be pretty cheap and some kind of a flowing tunic over it to hide the belly. Bright colors again for the top. If you really want to be unique wear your socks but I would suggest black knee highs if this is an important event AND comfortable shoes. Just make sure the skirt is not too long, you don't want to fall flat on your face.. Good luck with your adventure. I always start with the thrift stores because these dresses and skirts get very little wear.
Aunt CM or Emjo may have some good ideas. i fancy Emjo is quite stylish - hope she is feeling better.
So, today, I went to Ross and found a dress that fits me perfectly - for only $15.00. It is a bit short, above the knee. Which is considered .. uhm.. a little bit indecent religious-wise. I remembered thinking that it would be best that I don't run into any member of my religion when I attend the dinner. I was going to wear a black stockings. I even bought a black shoes with stiletto-type heels. I kept teetering sideways when I was trying on these high heels. sigh.... My poor muscles on the back of my legs were straining as I tried on the heels. Those muscles haven't been used for about 23 years. I bought one of those padded cushions because my feet where my toes are - were hurting badly from taking on all of my body's weight.
While trying on these heels, all I kept thinking was, "how am I going to run if someone is chasing me?" Sadly, here on island there's been an increase of violence against women. A lot of kidnapping and then gang rapings. I really really do not feel comfortable wearing these heels after the dinner function that ends at 9pm. People would be drinking and up to no good. Okay.. I will take it one at a time. For the moment, my niece said that formal dress wear is .. wearing a long gown! I told her that I'm short and skinny with a big belly. I am NOT going to wear a long gown and look ridiculous. Okay...back to shopping again and find a much more fancier dress. I'm still going to buy the black stockings and see if that helps jazz up my new $14.99 short dress. I just do not see the logic of spending money over $50 for a dress that I will wear one time only.