This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
We have an attorney coming in a couple of weeks. She was supposed to meet with us today, but we didn't have all the documents we needed ready yet, and in a way, I'm glad, because we were able to get this settled. Mom simply doesn't want anyone fighting over such a paltry sum, and to her, the well is not the "legacy" my sister claims it is - she wanted it to go to me to help take care of the house, but since my sister put up such a stink about it, Mom said just let her have it - which is fine by me, just so it's over and done with.
I took my mother to see a lawyer last year to update her will. He kept telling her she did not have to give anything to any of her kids. It took me awhile but I realized he was making sure she knew what she wanted to do and was not going to change her mind, waver or forget who she wanted to leave her things to. He said many people think they have to leave their property to their kids or family members. He said they can leave it to charity if that is what they want.
I can't see you or your mother being stressed over such a small amount of money. Could it be your sister is just trying to stir the pot? Don't let her by not giving it anymore thought.
In a short while you will get over this... and be grateful it happened now as opposed to when your mom passes.... that is a hard enough time without the sibs showing their true colors.... so , glad it is resolved.. You are the bigger person, and if mom agrees, then it's one less thing you have to deal with later...
Shilo, thanks for the compliment.... just pray if that ever happens, the sassy mouth is left out of the equation.... lol.... that's ' my 'downside'..... sorry.... I feel so bad every time I read about how hard it is to get help.... that you can count on... that knows what they are doing....but I can tell you, the good paid caregivers are being worked to death..... sad situation for everyone involved....In all the caregivers I know in this area, there are only two I would recommend for a job.... another sad statement...such a demand and no one qualifies..... we have to be more than 'warm bodies' to take up space in your home....no easy answers for this one...
Hugs to you both.
Well, quick update on the gas well situation here. Older sis stopped by today to talk about the matter, and when it was brought up, she launched right into what she "thought was the right thing to do" and how she "wanted it for a legacy to her kids/grandkids", etc. Never once did she ask HER MOTHER, the owner of the 1/16 share in the gas well, what HER wishes were - it was all "I want, I want, I want" and what SHE thought was the best thing to do. (And yet, she claims it's not about the money - that she just wants it to be able to hand something down to her kids/grandkids - even if it's just a piece of paper saying Mom owned the well. What?!?) I was extremely frustrated. The long and short of it is that my other siblings and I all agreed (as did Mom) to just give older sis the entire 1/16 share in the well - let her do what she wants with it.
(grumble) I'm not angry that she is getting it, I'm angry about the way she handled it. Just marched right into this situation and immediately assumed everyone felt the same way, which they don't. My other 2 siblings think Mom's wishes should be honored but none of us are willing to fight with older sis over a piddling $400 a year (if it actually continues to pay that much out).
So, I guess it's all straightened out...to *someone's* satisfaction. Just not mine. But I have to accept it and just move on.
Anyway, I follow almost the same style you do for bathing my mother. When she first moved in with me in 94' she showered less than once a week. I remember having to hold my nose when I walked by her it got soo bad. In 99' she started having health problems and I started taking over her care. Eventually, I found out she was afraid of the water on her face. When she was younger she went through some kind of drowning. There are no longer problems with not wanting to take showers. She uses a bath stool and a shower hose. She washes her face with a towel. When I rinse her hair she covers her face with a towel and blocks her ears. Sometimes we use ear plugs. I let her rest in between the rinse because she gets out of breath. In the summer-time she even asks for a shower over just hand wash. I haven't had to hold my nose for years!
Have already started on a baby blanket... I crochet, never learned to knit... but am going to a yarn shop in the next town over tomorrow and see about some really good yarn, not the stuff in Walmart !! I'm still excited and she is going to find out the sex of the baby so I will know what colors to use... but am making some 'neutral' ones now..... can't wait to get my hands on that child..... she is beautiful and her hubby is very handsome... but it won't matter if he/she looks like a frog..... I'm gonna get me some kisses !!!!
Yes, we would be able to work together.... probably without talking about it... we are on the same page about so many things... and I love working with someone that I don't have to drag out the Crayola's and poster board to explain what we are doing....!!!!! find the most time effective and efficient way, and not exhaust the patient with stupid!!!!!
Had to apologize to my coworker this morning.... got a little snarky with her last night before she left....she does not have a mind of her own... follows the stupid directives to the letter, whether they work or not, or even right for the situation.... the daughter is giving mixed messages about , the "magic pill', the one that calms her down and allows her to sleep......so of course the day lady did not find it necessary to give that extra med last night.... I got stupid, very quickly, had my say..... but I was also very tired.... but when no one takes into consideration L's mental state , and ALWAYS goes by others directions.... it just makes me tired....but this woman has always been a 'setter', not a caregiver... she is in over her head and won't admit it or ask for help..... as long as she doesn't cause L any harm... then I'll keep my mouth shut.... and she detests emptying the catheter bag.... How stupid and lazy is that..... put some gloves on and just do it.... good grief.... but I know from hearing her share her 'experience', that she has never had sh*t all over her shoes and clothes... been puked on, or all the other lovely things we all experience..... she just makes me tired....
But am not going to give work too many more brain cells, going to enjoy my time off.... the weather has been awesome... am going to try and go rock hunting tomorrow.... the scorpions are really bad this year... so will have to be on the look out for the little critters.....but I need some alone time with nature.... that centers me faster than anything.....
Hope everyone finds one thing to be grateful for today....love and hugs to all my weary friends.....
Quick update. Our shower has years of hard water and mildew stuff. Since it was years of hardscum, I decided to use 2-1 ratio of vinegar and Dawn. I was suppose to clean it down 10 minutes later. I forgot. Got too caught up here on AC. Only when I was ready to sleep, that I went to the restroom. Vinegar smell reminded me. So, I scrubbed what I could. This Morning! Oh my. I stood there staring at my shower. I think about 3/5 of the scums on the wall and floor and fading. I'm going to buy more vinegar and a Bigger spray bottle. Lastnight I had to use the 8 oz bottle with this tiny spray. Took me forever to spray all the floor and wall. Got fed up, opened up and just splashed the darn thing in! I definitely recommend using a heated up vinegar with the blue Dawn dish detergent for any shower cleaning which doesn't require lots of scrubbing. No nauseating chemical smell. No headache-causing chemical smell. And no hard scrubbing. ... Actually, you're just suppose to half-half portion, spray, 10 minutes later, come back and just Wipe it down. Since I have years of hardscum stains, I was more aggressive. Later. Gotta get ready for work.
I would always put a small hand towel over their 'parts' they didn't want anyone to see....a wet hand towel is worth it to help them not feel so embarrassed....if they are able to wash their own 'parts' then I let them.... and making sure the bathroom is warm... even if I was dripping wet with sweat and needed a shower myself afterward....they get cold easier than we do....and sometimes the level of spray may hurt their skin..... the more gentle the spray, the more cooperation I get....and would always give them a wash cloth to put over their eyes when washing their hair....that way running water does not make them feel they are drowning.....some of them are unable to put their heads back enough to have a good angle....I rarely had problems getting them to bathe.... but I have always worked with Alz.... not elders that can set and look me in the face and say NO!!
Well, prognosis for MrM is not looking good. A growth was found on his kidney... but he has adamantly said he will not agree to any aggressive treatment.... he just wants to come home.... he is 94 and very much in his right mind.....and since the proper catherization, he is no longer filling the bag with blood. He did have to have blood transfusions.... well duh !!! He has been thru a lot this week and I know he will be glad to get home.....
I have been TOLD not to tell L anything..... sorry, I have used my own judgment here and so far no problems... of course I do not tell her the serious stuff....but if she asks, I tell her..... she is not an idiot, she has dementia..... that is her husband of 60+ years.... why lie to her..... the daughter makes her sound like some hysterical out of control person.... and she is NOT that at all..... ok ok, I won't even go there today.....do I hear applause?????
Working the 60 hrs again this week and will have to next week, just lets me know how right I am about cutting back on my hours..... I hate saying that, always feel bad because so many of you have no choice about your hours....but it part of my story, and have been feeling very guilty about sharing that part..... so I need to get over it, and just share....right?
I need to get dressed and go enjoy what is left of this day.... came in this morning and just fell into bed..... my head hurts... I feel hung over and haven't had a drink in 30 years....
More later when I have a functioning brain cell or two... hugs to everyone and grateful for all of you...
You couldn't "spin" it that your aunt moved to the facility with your mother so that they could watch each other's backs?
Have you tried writing a similar description of what needs doing to the one above, and circulating it to your brothers and your cousin and her children? You leave out the bits about what scapegrace rat-bags they're being, obviously; but, you know, one reason they can be so totally uninvolved is that… they're not involved. So involve them. At least give them chapter and verse on what's going on in THEIR elders' lives.
Meanwhile, how about respite care - say two weeks? - for the pair of them, while you and your husband just lie down and relax? You don't need anyone's permission for that: you find your facility, you book 'em in, you go on vacation. Come on, you need to rest awhile. Best of luck x
I have two older brothers, who live out of state. When I've begged for help, they respond with silence, or tell me that I should have been prepared for this since Mom has lived with me for years. I've spoken to my aunt's daughter and granddaughters, and asked for help, and it has again, fallen on deaf ears. I am not looking for anything extraordinary. But it would be wonderful if someone would have some compassion and perhaps come to give me a hand for a week, weekend, anything! Even with my knee replacements no one offered to help, and I had to find someone I have to pay to help out.
How can people be so self-absorbed, selfish and totally uninvolved? How can people ignore pleas for help? My husband and I are really at the end of our ropes. I can't put my mother in a nursing home, because it would leave my aunt here. She has no one who cares about her, and as she is still independent will not go to any type of facility.
I am just so tired. I have no life. Family ignores me. And I just don't know how much more I can do before I totally break myself.
And then you have to consider safety factors. Edna loves her showers .. the problem is the bathroom. To get to the shower bench requires a standing 180-degree turn, plus several steps, a near physical impossibility with her impairments, meaning we need to be able to fully hold/lift her there. Maybe it's scary to be in that shower alone? Is the elder ashamed to have someone in the bathroom with them? Edna's way of showing embarrassment is to laugh, and laugh so hard she pee's, then laughs more. I do everything possible to lower the embarrassment threshold, but .. when she can't reach around to clean her behind, you just have to minimize it as much as possible.
So, yeah .. choose your battles. Help them stay as clean as possible to remain healthy and give up on the rest. We've only been showering, as a society, once a day for 50 or 60 years. Most of our elders remember a time when "once a week, whether I need it or not" was the norm.
Before I moved in, Mom was *not* showering - at all. She would give herself a wipedown with a washcloth now and then, but no shower. We're talking months without a shower or washing her hair. Her hair was lank and greasy and smelled horrible, and she had a raging case of dermatitis on her scalp from not washing. The odor from the rest of her body goes without saying - it was bad. The whole house smelled bad from it.
When I moved in, I started her on a schedule of showering every other day. I'd prefer she shower every day, but I'll take what I can get, because we have the same discussion *all day long* about her showering - I ask her to shower, she says she'll do it later, after she ________ (takes a nap, eats, watches this show on tv, etc). Eventually, she will shower, just not when I really want her to - but I have to choose my battles.
I try to remember that in the nursing home, they may not shower every day...so I'll take what I can get here at home.
Just briefly - things are a little different today - I spoke again with the other 2 siblings, and they agree that we should just give the whole darn well to older sis who thinks they're entilted to it, despite Mom's wishes that it go to me. Mom agrees - just give it to her if it means so much to her. So I think we've at least come to a consensus and hopefully, somewhere down the road, older sis will get a dose of reality when this turns out to do absolutely nothing for her - or her kids.
Ladeec - Great to see you here. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. It must be hard to put up with that kind of ranting and to be excused of mis-treatment. My employment specialist asked me if I was willing to be a caregiver. I told her No! I could not take families of the person I am caring for not treating them well. Please take care of YOU!!!!!
LadeeM[ I am so sorry you have to put up with this I do not blame you for getting mad. In any other job I would not be able to take a vacation that soon. Jeez!!! Please take care of you!!!!
Dingle - I am glad you found this site also. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Take care of YOU!!!
Susan- Really some of these families floor me. I mean really. Why should they get anything!!!! Sorry I am dealing with a lot of that myself. I would get everything written in stone or their blood. LOL Even if you don't get a lawyer just get it on paper. Take care of YOU!!!!
Hi everyone - I am really losing it. I am studying for a civil service employment test tomorrow. So I have been busy. I have been using a e-cigarette for about a month. It is kind of neat and keeps me from smoking cigs. I had to take it apart yesterday to charge it. I had to take it apart to charge it. When the charge was completer I could not get all the parts to come together right. LOL I have been to the place like four times trying to ubnderstand how to put the e-liquid in it and to draw on it properly, It is a lot cheaper than cigs and has different flavors of e-liquid. I don't think I have all the parts and have looked everywhere for them. So here I go to the store again. What is wrong with me and why didn't this thing come with directions. LOL Lord help me. I had a little fight with bro again. He had gone to the shed and got things that he wanted. He left the box in the house. Well, I decided that I needed to cut the hedges a little bit. I found the shears in the box and used them. He finally came and took the box home. He called all mad and asked where the shears were. I told him I needed them. He told me that he would get them later. I told him that I had bought them anyway. He said well I will take them next time. Well, I DONT THINK SO!!!! Oh well, such is life in the big city. Take care of Ya'll.
Mom you need to take a shower today. "I took one yesterday"! LOL
Yesterday was a busy day since according to her every experience in her life happened yesterday..LOL
KayBee - Not me. You might want to ask that question separately from here if you want a wider audience. On the right side of the screen, is a box with the blue sign “Get Answers.” Try that. I think you will get more answers that way.
Hi Dinglehopper! Welcome to AC. I haven’t … well father hasn’t reached that stage where he asks the same question over and over. He just keeps getting the time of day mixed up. Every time he wakes up, looks at the clock and then thinks it’s morning or lunch time. But, I met my sister’s mother-in-law. She repeated the Exact question, and comments to that question – over and over and over again. After 1 hour of it, I was very irritated. Especially on such a sensitive subject for me.. “Are you married?” “No!?! Why not?” oh, the same question, comment – repeatedly for an hour!!!
Thanks LadeeM, LadeeC, Glad for making me chuckle as I read your posts.
Lots of great advice here. I'm all caught up now. Time to change pampers, shower and pay bills.
I soooo agree with what Gladimhere told you. I would keep everything that your siblings said. Trust me, what they Tell you now, it will change when mom passes away. It doesn’t matter if they have their own homes. They will want that house of mom’s for Their Own Child! My aunty did this when their mother (grandma) died. She tried to get the house away from her brother who was caregiving their mom all these years. (Did a lousy job though. He ended up marrying the paid caregiver, she got pregnant and completely slacked off on caregiving grandma.) So, watch your back. And Document, Document, Document.
FYI, I’d HIDE your Dad’s Barbershop Chorus uniform in your private bedroom. I wouldn’t put it past your sibling to take it – especially if someone lets it be known that you want it. She will want it too. Hide it! If you can’t, then please take a photo of it. In case it disappears, you will still have a picture of it to bring happy memories.
About 2 weeks ago, the govt caregivers were putting the lifter sheet on wrong. Don’t they know what a lifter sheet is for? To LIFT! Yet, they all (different person each day) put the lifter from his waist down! My dad weighs more than me. Sometimes, he cannot even turn. So, I run to the other side, lean over, grab the sheet opposite me, and pull it towards me, to help him turn. Now, how am I suppose to do this when the lifter is on his butt only??? So, in frustration, I told father very firmly to Tell them where the lifter is suppose to be. Right where his underarm and down. Then I told sis. Because sis doesn’t really care much of anything. I told her that if dad touches his poop, he will spread it all over his back. Since the lifter is on his butt, the poop will be on the bedding. I looked at her and told her straight out to tell them where the lifter is suppose to be. Threatening sis that dad’s poop will be all over the bedsheets, pillows, etc is Incentive for HER to make sure they do it right. She Does the Laundry from Mon-Fridays. Well, since then, the lifter is positioned correctly. No more from his butt down.
LadeeM .. yeah. Just yeah. And, it also hurts my heart on the daughter's behalf. I keep getting the feeling that the woman is so unhappy, she just doesn't know what to do with it, and there's literally nothing I can (or the family, from what I'm told) can do about it. It's got to be a horrid way to live. Unfathomable.
SusanA .. if it were me in your shoes, I'd be tallying up all those expenses you're absorbing, and forward them as a future bill against the earnings of the well. Oh .. and don't forget to add the cost of your time. Or the cost of what you're saving the family for caring for your mom. Let it ring home, at a real level.
Meanwhile, on the home front, my sis is all excited about a new business opportunity she's venturing into (rather viable on the face of it, but that's not the point of my post). And she's planning our future. Twin trailers and rocking chairs and visits to Las Vegas and Ireland. I'm sitting there, listening and thinking, "Did you miss the part where I want to go live, by myself, alone as a hermit .. out in the desert somewhere?" Does anyone listen, any more? ::rolls eyes::
Have a great night, everyone.