This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
My catalpa trees are blooming and the roses...my yard smells fabulous!
Dad's helper - Venting is what is soo great about this site. Nothing surprises us and we have all felt the same way at one time or another. Take care of YOU!!!!!
Judda - My mom was having UTI's a lot. A nurse who came to the house told me to get mom an refillable plastic bottle. Like one you would put ketchup or mustard in. I found one at walmart that was clear. I filled it with warm water and mom used it as a douche. It worked wonders. I hope things get better for you. Take care of YOU!!!!!
LadeeM - I am so glad you finally had some Ladeem days. It sounds like you used them well. Now that you will not be working as much you will not be so wiped out the end of your day. Take care of YOU!!!!!
We had Open House today. I do not know how it went. There has been no feedback from agent. I am still not sure that we should keep him or get someone else. I am ready to move out now. It has been a long road but I feel things are about to change for the better. Something has to. I turned the home phone off to save money. I do not know how I am going to pay the bills this month. I need a little miracle. The job situation is getting better. I have been accepted for a program with the parish to get help finding one. Still no word about the painting. I am afraid it has been sold or thrown away. Why didn't the estate gut call me. I would have gladly have picked it up. I hope he rots in jail somewhere the SOB. I can think of other words but I do not want to burn your ears. LOL Well, I have to look on the web for a job or better yet a very rich old man I can marry, Take care of yourselves.
This may caused more anger and frustration but in the long run you will have peace of mind.
Boundaries are healthy for you and those surrounding you.
Meanwhile, I had made her a cranberry drink and she felt better. Going to bathroom often but no more blood. That's good.
She was still tired, and frightened and didn't want be alone. All shaky from not eating the breakfast and now no lunch. So we came back to my place and I made her what was going to be my week of dinners: baked squash, chicken, cucumber salad, and goat yogurt with blueberries for dessert. Finally she left and I was hoping to take a nap from the day. I slept like Rip Van Winkle for an hour and she calls again: did I have some notes she had?
I am working all week and she will get other people to drive her to the doctor etc.
I don't know when I can see Dad now. URgah!
I think Mom has a reoccuring UTI but this time it's in the lower tract. There are some natural remedies but she'll probably be only open to the anti-biotics, which didn't help the first time and now she could get resistant to the bacteria and have all the good flora and fauna ruined.
Thank you all for your UTI stories and tips. How far apart should antibiotics be taken from probiotic food? Mom had a lot of gas from some probiotics her doctor gave her: they were samples and I thought they looked very inferior to what you could get anywhere else. Mom thinks she has a lactose intolerance so she is eating goat yogurt and drinking up that cranberry juice.
She is eating yogurt now and afraid of too much salt in pickles, sauerkraut, feta cheese, etc.
How are you doing? any suggestions for Mom? I don't know if she'll be open but maybe you know of some success stories?
Hope you had a better day than we did.
You should get some help from hospice with his hygiene problems. They should send in an aide to help with bathing 3-5 times a week and when they see the foot rot should get him meds for that especially if you mention it. Will he take meds?
Hospice does not usually stop bad habits like booze and smoking as it is too late to help his health so he might as well continue to enjoy them. Make sure he takes his oxygen off before he smokes. A concentrator is not as dangerous as a tank but better safe than sorry. If he has been accepted for hospice care I don't think there is much danger of him outliving you. He will probably get pneumonia and that will be the end pretty quickly. You will be asked if you want to treat it with antibiotics by hospice so think about that. I would not worry too much about his oxygen levels. let him do pretty much what he wants as long as it is not a danger to himself or others. I would not let him use sharp tools or drive anything b,ut a hand saw will soon tire him out and he"ll be glad to come in and rest. Once he has done something like that once he probably won't try again. Do you use a humidifier in the house that would probably make his breathing more comfortable. Don't expect hospice to have a magic cure for his dirty habits there is really nothing to be done. just be very thankful he can still use the bathroom and a urinal. Many people here would think you have an easy life as Dad's caregiver and would gladly exchange their loved one for yours but it is very understandable how unbearable you find it with your OCD. Are you being treated for that? Can any more be done for you to help you get through Dad's final months? Blessings
She was still tired, and frightened and didn't want be alone. All shaky from not eating the breakfast and now no lunch. So we came back to my place and I made her what was going to be my week of dinners: baked squash, chicken, cucumber salad, and goat yogurt with blueberries for dessert. Finally she left and I was hoping to take a nap from the day. I slept like Rip Van Winkle for an hour and she calls again: did I have some notes she had? and more emails. Gosh, why can't she leave me alone?! Enough is enough. That's what makes me so darn angry.
Do one thing and she grabs your life and suffocates ya. UGH.
Any other tips on this scene or UTI's?
I am working all week and she will get other people to drive her to the doctor etc.
I don't know when I can see Dad now. URgah!
I think Mom has a reoccuring UTI but this time it's in the lower tract. There are some natural remedies but she'll probably be only open to the anti-biotics, which didn't help the first time and now she could get resistant to the bacteria and have all the good flora and fauna ruined.
How are you doing? any suggestions for Mom? I don't know if she'll be open but maybe you know of some success stories?
Hope you had a better day than we did.
Judy
Recently we signed up for Hospice as it was recommended to us twice by our lung doc and it was a good decision. We don't have to drive for 45 minutes to docs anymore or be picking up meds here and there! Not sure what is going to happen here in the next few months or rest of this year. Dads 02 was bumped up fro 3L to 4L and nurse at lung doc said that wasn't a good sign. Hospice said if he wanted to smoke or drink that it was fine. They don't want to take away the things he likes to do and I suppose that's a good thing. He doesn't do anything except watch tv all day and move from chair to chair around the house. He did try to cut up some branches of a tree we trimmed but he was outside for 40 minutes w/o his o2 and his levels went down to 79. I don't think its good to have the levels up one minute then down the next as his blood 02 levels are 25%. I think the more strain he puts on his lungs and heart the worse it is for him.
We have been trying to sell our house as it is too hot and dry and dusty where we live so we are moving to a cooler, moister climate and closer to family so I can get some help. We've been trying to sell for 8 months and the day we started Hospice we sold the house! Needless to say we are going to need referrals for everything and hoping it all works best for dad. And for me!! I am hoping I can get a break once we move but that's not likely as I don't think anyone else in the fam will be able to do what I do for dad.
His grooming habits are totally making me sick! He doesn't shower except once a week or less, wears the same underwear for 4-5 days, coughs and sneezes all day, blowing his nose and NEVER washes his hands!! I worry all that crap in his lungs and body he is blowing out into the air I breathe and hope I don't get any weird sickness.He has nasty foot fungus and wont wear shoes in the house so I have to always wear shoes so I don't get the fungus. When I was younger I stayed with my parents for a few months to get on my feet and dad used my shower and I got athletes foot and it was awful!! I don't want that crap again!! He makes messes every time he eats or pours coffee and I am always cleaning up after him and t is getting old. Any suggestions on how I can get him to wash his hands and shower more? He has a transfer chair in shower and if he can get up and make a drink or puff a smoke he can sure as hell clean his nasty self, right?? I am a moderate to crazy germophobe with OCD and this has been making me so crazy!! I am tired of taking care of everything....laundry, bills, groceries, meals, dishes, cleaning, changing sheets, cleaning his bathroom....you name it I'm the only one who does it!! Speaking of cleaning, almost forgot, he uses a urinal sometimes during the night and he will leave the half full thing on his bathroom counter without dumping it & rinsing it!! Plus he doesn't flush the toilet so there's always pee everywhere. I think its gross and tell him to dump it but he still forgets. And just yesterday he cut his toe on something and sat there letting it bleed till blood dried and never cleaned it up!
The blood (fresh or dried) is germy as is the 'leftover' pee in the urinals. Can hospice help me get thru this and try to help him understand that it is nasty and that he should be more aware? He doesn't have any memory problems, just forgetfulness prob due to lack of oxygen for so long. He can't breathe, takes so many meds to try to help with breathing and now on more meds to help break up mucus in lungs & bronchials.....no telling how long he'll be here but as stubborn as he is I'll prob be his age before he goes!! LOL! I surely do not hope that happens...that would be the worst 30 yrs of my life for sure!!
Ok I have ranted and went in all different directions on this comment so I have to end it here before I stress myself out!!
Take care all and hang in there!! I'm trying real hard to stay calm!!
Ah, sleep, blessed sleep, how I love you...I was without you too long... ha ha
Should get the results from blood work this week and know where to go from here.....and know that from being rested, my body is not craving sweets.... too much setting around and too many chocolate treats have added a pound or two that isn't helping my balance problems....
So will go do laundry, come home and chill and actually act like a human....
I did have time to reflect on many things about Stu and Gene.... a lot of awesome memories... many times of laughter and silliness..... I try not to focus on the fact that Gene was not taken care of at the end , but also know he no longer had any quality of life.... I still don't think of C very much... I simply understand Karma has her name..... and that in the end, it has nothing to do with me....
So, I will be b**chin about something by the next time I post... for today, for right this minute.... my gratitude list is a long one....
Hugs, love, angels and CHOCOLATE....
And wanting, who the hell knows what these men have in their minds. It makes no sense to me. What, do these loser women secretly have 24kt gold between their thighs? Beats the hell out of me. I just don't want that chick's never ending problems to become MY problem. If I had kept my mouth shut and said nothing, there's no doubt it would become a habit and then next thing I know, she'd be living here again. Just...no. Who needs it? I have problems and stress of my own, I damn sure don't need hers added to the mix.
Austin, reading is my salvation, my ticket out of this world into whole other worlds...and I like to hang out in those worlds quite a bit. :) Gotta love a good book!
One other small thing but when it takes a long time to eat food becomes cold and unappetizing. So give a very small portion and keep the rest warm
When my mom was alive, I noticed the older she got, the less the doctors did for her. We took her to the ER, and they just gave her antibiotic IV, and wanted to release her. They didn’t even do a urine sample! When father refused to leave without them checking her urine, they did it. Yep, she had UTI.
As for probiotics, you may want to google on some food that provides probiotic. Everyone knows yogurt is one. If your mom doesn’t mind sour – there is sauerkraut or or sour pickles. Miso soup may be salty but it’s low in calories and high in Vit.B and antioxidants. Soft cheese like Gouda. Sourdough bread contains lactobacilli (aids with digestion). Sweet acidophilus milk or even buttermilk are rich in probiotics. I think the easiest would be the yogurt and the milk version.
His daughter is an only child, always used to wish she had siblings, from what she knows of this crazy situation, she doesn't wish for them any longer.
Dad knew Roz was demented, and feared she might have Alz but last weekend Roz rolled out of bed, fell on the floor and didn't move. After a while she was taken to her doctor who told Dad she definitely had Alz now. I am going to visit them tomorrow. They live about 2 hours from here.
I am grateful for Roz's family: they are taking care of them.
Any ideas or suggestions? Not sure what she'd listen to. Finally she has an appointment this week. I had suggested she take probiotics after she finished the anti-biotics. The doctor shrugged and gave her some free samples of milk based probiotics. It gave Mom to much gas so she quit taking them.
good luck. You'll need it. (6 billion people and THAT'S what he hooks up with...smh)
Got up this morning and no sister...she's not answering her cell or house phone. I left mother alone and went. I went ahead and signed a contract on a simple funeral...$7100. I paid $2500 down out of Mother's account (I have POA) and I will be making $120 a month payment until it's paid off. If she dies before it's paid off, insurance will cover the balance.
My sister told my aunt she wanted a vault...then when we told her that a vault would add a couple thousand to the cost she said she just wanted a casket that sealed. Well, mother wanted a wood casket but obviously a wood casket isn't sealable...so I called her from the funeral home...again she didn't answer so I called her husband, HE didn't answer either but she then called me back...STILL refused to participate, just kept saying mom told her to put her in a wood box and throw her in a ditch..soooo helpful.
at least now my Aunt knows what I am dealing with, Sis CAN walk away...she can choose not to deal. I don't HAVE that luxury. So I am stuck making these MAJOR decisions and all I have to look forward to is criticism and accusations of theft.
No worries he does not want you out he still needs Mommy to take care of things. Stand your ground. if he is not helping with chores like mowing, no laundry. Throw the dirty stuff back on his bed and shut the door.
He's headed for the big house if he keeps this up.Glad to hear from you again been wondering. Blessings
All hell broke loose here a couple days ago. Sean has hooked back up with his heroin addicted ex girlfriend. Man, I was so glad to hear that skank had moved to Texas and was out of his life, as I was thanking God she wasn't knocked up. Now, she's back and who's the first person she contacted? Riiiight. She doesn't give two shits about Sean, only about what he can do for her loser ass. We had a long talk months ago, hell, years ago, and he knows very well how I feel about her. I asked him not to bring her over here. I told him it would get ugly if he did.
So, I get up at 5 a.m the other day and went to make coffee. I heard Sean in his room, but I also heard a female voice as well. Having my suspicions, I immediately saw red. Sure enough, he had Alia over here. I went off. I completely lost it. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, 'Get that C**T out of here, NOW!' I was dropping F bombs left and right and I know she heard me and I wanted her to. When they came out here to leave, she was glaring at me and I stood up and got in her face and said, 'Problems, bitch'? She was trying to say something, but was so whacked on heroin that she couldn't get it out. I told her to get her nasty, skank ass out of my sight and to never come back. God, how I detest that nasty whore. She said, 'F you!' and I said, 'Who HASN'T F'd YOU?' Then she made some comment about how I didn't have this attitude when 'I was taking care of your mom'. I flipped the hell out when she said that. Get the hell out of here. When my mom said that bitch could move in here all she did was lay on her ass on MY couch, watch MY tv, use MY expensive stuff and perfume without permission, made messes she didn't clean, and otherwise did nothing productive, the worthless hag. And she expected me to do her damn laundry, too. I detested her on sight. She's 30 and looks older than I do. I feel sick that Sean has hooked back up with such pond scum. Even her parents don't want anything to do with her. She's going to suck him dry financially and then find a new supporter when Sean is broke. The whole thing makes my blood broil. I don't give a tinkers damn whose house this is. As long as I'm here, she won't be and that's the bottom line and I made that real clear. I scared the shit out of the bitch. I doubt she'll ever show her stupid face around here again and that's about the only smart move she'll ever make. She's on probation from the law, she's in trouble for stealing thousands from a previous employer to feed her addiction and God knows how many dicks she's sucked to get heroin. She makes my damn skin crawl. I have a fool and a moron for a son who can't see the writing on the wall. Well, she and her heroin addiction are HIS problem, I'll see him in hell before he makes it mine or his brother's. I told him flat out I'd leave if he wanted to start bringing her here, told him to tell the renters in the other house to get the hell out and I'd be gone and good riddance. But Sean knows, as I know, that he'd sink like a stone if he had to handle this place. God knows that nasty skank won't do shit. Whatever. As long as I don't have to lay eyes on her again, I don't care what he does with her. Stupid, stupid fool.
Hope it goes well, good luck!
Just popping in to say hi everyone! I needed a little time away, some solitude. It's helping. I guess I just need time to pull my head out of my ass. I found out I'm rehirable at my old job, so I'll be applying soon. Wish me luck!
I hope all of you guys are doing well, and your charges are peaceful...at least for today. ;)
Have a good one, ya'll... Ciao for now!
The final phase of care is theoretically directed by the patient's PCP but once the patient is homebound they can no longer visit the dr. Hospiceinforms the Dr of any changes either at the time or in a biweekly report but these are seldom read by the Dr. The PCP continues to prescribe for the patient but usually as requested by the hospice nurse. The hospice medical directer does supervise treatment and medications but does usually defer to the PCP if he is reachable or has available after hours medical cover. The bottom line is that the patient and family are very dependent on the experience and expertise of the hospice RN. Not that is a bad thing because the RN gets to know them well and having regular contact can report changes both to the nursing supervisdor MD and PCP. For thos who do not know how hospice works depending on the patient load teams are set up and care for a specific number of patients. A small hospice may only have 30 patients and one team. Bigger hospices may serve several hundred in their area so have multiple teams and may have teams serving specific areas. Large or small they are all required to follow the same regulations and have the same services available ie social workers. I am only familiar with Medicare approved so do not know how the "for profits' work. It is a very complex structure full of rules and regulations which are costantly changing and provide many headaches. In my experience too the nurses are at the bottom of the feeding chain.
Laura - Good to hear from you. Good luck on job search. You gave me a laugh about your hubby. Take Care of YOU!!
Book - I hope you will feel better. I started using a netti pot last year and have been using it every day since. We have had a high pollen alert for weeks. They say that people should take a bath and put on clean clothes after they come in from outside. That would be a lot of washing for me LOL!! Take care of YOU!!
Assande - I am glad that your Mom can go to senior day care. Please take care of YOU!!!
Jittls - I am sorry that you are still going through so much guilt. For you to think shoulda, woulda coulda doesn't help you. How were you to know that she could not swallow. You have enough on your plate with caring for your father. I lost my mom three months ago. Every now and then I go back to right before she died. What could I have done differently? When I think of these times I tell her that I am sorry I did anything to hurt her. It makes me feel better. (Did I already post this?) I have been going to a grieving group and it is helping me. I hope everything gets better for you. Take car of YOU!!!
Hi there - Lots going on right now. My realtor finally is having an open house here on Sunday. I have my fingers crossed, praying to St. Joseph and even went to church and lit a candle. I am desperately in need of money right now. I have been accepted into a program with the parish (county) for everybody else. They are going to help me get a job. I need your advise on something. You all know that I do not get along with my brother. Well, last time I talked to him he was very depressed. More than any time I remember. He told me that his world is falling apart. I mean he was really upset. I have not heard from him in a week. I have texted him twice and he has not contacted me back. I thought that when I text him about the open house he would surely call me. I am worried but I am so mad at him I really do not want to call him. I think I will call his wife and ask her what is going on. I may be dramatic but I really do think something bad has happened. I really have a lot to do to get ready for the showing so you all take care of YOU!!!