This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
There have been and number of stories on the news in the past year or so that deaths from Alzheimer's are underreported. Docs are starting to use language that mentions the exact cause and qualifying it as "due to Alzheimer's disease". In order to receive priority for funding research it is very important that Alzheimer's be listed on the death certificate. That is the only method the medical community has to develop statistics from. Alzheimer's will cause bodily functions to shut down. The brain forgets to send the appropriate signals to keep functions operating. Just as many become bed bound because the disease has made them forget how to walk.
So, a lesson for all of us, when our loved one passes, make sure the doc lists Alzheimer's as a contributing factor if not the direct cause of death.
So guess if I really want to relax and not think about caregiving.. I will have to stay home.... !!!!!
STP, I saw a documentary in the International channel. It was a program about helping the older Japanese people. Instead of letting them just stay home and do nothing, they set up work programs for them. It was agricultural. They, themselves, harvested/reaped their plantings and made some income. They were so happy to be doing something useful and meaningful in their lives. You can see it when they were interviewed. All I kept thinking was.. if I squatted down like that, I won't be able to stand up. Someone is going to have to pull me up. Stamina....
STP, good to see you here, hope you come back and visit....
I am brain dead....closed my eyes at work and woke up when the day lady came in the door.... so going to bed... get caught up with everyone after a good sleep.... love and hugs.
have to mess with shipping them. Now if I can just find a buyer for her Dewees Cochran doll, I will really be a happy camper...actually there is more stuff than that but that stupid doll cost 535.00 back in 83 and I can't believe there are that many people out there who would come close to that???? I really hope this is the last time I have to go through all of someone else's stuff and try to liquidate it...
Here on island, they have a respite services. You don't have to be dirt poor to qualify. All they look at is how critical is your care receiver and you the caregiver. Since I'm caring for a bedridden parent who is 'difficult', I qualify. Father's retirement and my income would definitely not make us qualify for 99% of these federal fundings for the poor. I call us the poor middle income family. But I am soooo glad that this local/federal program do Not look at income but based on the need. They provide for me about 5 or 6 Free visits to a therapist a year. And I learned a lot from this. {{HUGS}}
Sometimes God works in mysterious ways and this was his way of calling Mom home. There is no guilt about any of your actions either getting Mom the drink or not being there when she took that sip. You would not have been able to save her. The drs and nurses did what they were trained to do but God had other plans. You and your brother were able to share those two last peaceful days before she passed with no suffering. It was very hard to watch but you gave each other strength. you will cry that is a way of washing away the pain but have you thought that maybe Dad is also putting on a brave face every day for your benefit. Can you put your arms around him and let him know how much you miss Mom and maybe you can both grieve together instead of separately. stop dwelling on the way mom died and begin to remember as she was and all the things she used to do. Maybe starting to put together a memory book would help. Certainly some grief counciling would help. Most hospices have a grief councilor and you can use their services even though Mom was not a hospice patient. They also have groups where you can share your experiences or just sit and listen to others. Mom is in Heaven if she is looking down she would hate to see you suffering for something you did not do.
Blessings
Laura if all else fails put on a short skirt and stand on a corner instead of putting poor hubby out there with a sign around his neck.
If someone told me I was going to daycare my reply would be "over your dead body" now if they said it was a quilting group, or art circle, or maybe learn pottery or perhaps to knit socks for the soldiers in Afghanistan I might be ready well before the bus came. Of course I would know I could show those old ladies a thing or two and probably was better than the instructor - but that's another story.
It's the same thing with "Diapers" That seems such a demeaning word and something to be ashamed of. that actually wouldn't personally bother me but it does others so if the trade names don't cut it how about "protective panties for those of you not familiar they are quite comfortable and the pull ups do come in pink these days.
So Ladee M you are going rock hunting just be careful not to steal anybody's rocks or you will get that training faster than you think!!!!!! Only one more night. that was what I used to tell myself on the last night of my 21 on call. 7 whole nights to sleep.
Don't even think of caregiving for those three glorious days. better fix the scar on the gnomes face too he might cast a spell, he's probably pretty mad already.
Read the article on end of life care for the patient with BPN this morning. that contains so much useful information and I learned a lot. When i was working we had frequent in service training some of which were mandatory such as the yearly infection control but I don't remember anything anywhere near as helpful as this.
I also downloaded the out of the fog book to my Amazon kindle but have not started reading that yet. I am constantly amazed at the new things I learn from the caregivers on this site. You are never too old to learn something new. at least it keeps me out of daycare
I asked the daughter last night if she had found anyone yet... a lot of mumble, double talk and avoidance, then I said, well, I won't be here Thrus night, so hope you find someone... she called back about an hour later and has someone!!!!! Isn't it amazing when you just have to get stupid and rude to get someone off their a**.... and she hired the caregiver that I love the most !!! We have worked together before... she is excellent and will be an asset to that family.... so progress in health and work.....
wanting, happy to hear the meds are making a difference....it's good to hear that you will be getting some mental rest for a change...
Laura, maybe it won't take long to get some money put back so you can do what you enjoy doing..... that is the sick part of having to work... we get stuck doing things we don't want to do.... so prayers you get what you are looking for...
So, work tonight and then off for three glorious days.... not going to know how to act... and this weekend is supposed to be nice.... I am actually going to get to go rock hunting..... because I will be rested up some....
so hope you all find one thing to be grateful for today..... thank you all for the awesome support... hugs, love, angels and CHOCOLATE !!!!!
Wanting, don’t know what to say. Assisted living? If not, can you find someone to come to the home and give you respite maybe twice a week? If impossible, how about once a week? Make it a midweek – when businesses have normal working hours – and you can do whatever you want on that 1 day off from caregiving. Too bad family is not as supportive as we all would like.
wound up touring an Alzheimer's unit at the nursing home we selected...and realized my mother is no where near that stage yet. So we are going to try to keep her home. If no other reason than we need to spend down her savings account. We will use that money to hire a sitter..IF I can find one.
In the meantime, I am revolving around three relatives, an aunt, my sister and my niece. My sister is kicking about coming to sit one day a week and I am not getting more than that. She also wants us to try leaving mother alone at least one day a week.
she says "Just because I 'can't' come more often (and gripes about the one day) that doesn't mean I don't WANT to come more!" I am not sure what other spin I could possibly put on it. She doesn't work, she didn't have a problem being out of the house when she was working and had three kids...now that she has only one child at home and no job, suddenly her housework takes days and days...
anyway...SHE doesn't want mother to be in a nursing home (except when I ask her to stay...THEN she's all "are we gonna put her in")..
ugh..
have another niece that will help once school is over...gonna drive up from Houston to stay some. Still looking for a sitter though
LadeeM... so glad it is turning out to NOT be Parkinson's! Take care of yourself... and enjoy that raise! You deserve it!
I still haven't heard back from the caregiving agency. I'm not sure if the "confirmed" report I have on file will keep me from getting the job or not. If it does... I might just have to go hunt down that hospice nurse who reported that I slugged my mother when all I did was smack her hand for punching me in the face!
Oh well... if its meant to be, it will happen. In the meantime, I plan on applying for a few more jobs. As much as I would love to just sell Tupperware and work on building my quilting business... I need money now! Hubby's SS just isn't cutting it for paying the bills. I might have to put his butt out on a corner somewhere... lol... maybe someone would pay me to take him OFF of the corner... rofl... :P
Have a GREAT evening!
Great on the day care! I don't know what I would do without it. But, keep I mind those therapeutic white lies to get her out of the house! I have to use them every day. But when I pick mom up, normally she has had a wonderful time and glad that there is this resource.
Assa, better for her not to be happy as opposed to you having to keep doing this until we both end up in the hospital..... she'll get used to it.... she may even enjoy it after awhile... but do it even if she doesn't.... you HAVE GOT to get a break..... sending you hugs and chocolate...