The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Don't forget the Lord made anti anxiety medications too.

I am blessed my mom is here and that I can take care of her. I too deal with a fury of emotions. I pray and God gives me strength. I get agitated and sometimes she sees it. Taking care of a parent is a challenge. I just have to trust and thank God for His mercies because they are new each morning. I just started a new job and it is at least an hour from my home. My mom is very coherent and bright, but I worry about her. I can't concentrate at work and my anxiety level is at its highest. I don't know how it is going to work out. I guess I just need to trust and wait on The Lord.

Laddee M I hope you sleep tonight. A bubble headed blonde with knee warmers.

SA .. *hugs* .. I was about to post and Veronica said it all. I hope you can really *hear* her words. One of my thoughts was "What would Dr Phil suggest?" Now, I'm a wishy-washy fan of Dr. Phil's .. sometimes I think he's just downright self-righteous and full of himself and his family. And .. what he says/does in the end seems to work. At this point, dear, dear SA .. you're enabling your son's self-destruction. These are harsh words. You can't change your past and the years your children spent coping with your situation. You know, in your heart you did the best, under the circumstances. And, it's time to cut the apron strings .. to SAVE him, if possible. Get the paperwork done with the other house, count the money you spent to fix it up as your last gift to him, and get OUT. Let the insurance lap, let the neighbors complain. Meanwhile, if the girl comes in the house with drugs, call the cops and get them to arrest her (and him) for possession. Let them hit bottom and get out their way as they tumble down that void. Then plan to sell that house to pay for recovery and wash your hands, if you must.

I know .. harsh, harsh. You'll be doing it from love.

Thanks, all. It's still very very unnerving. I still keep going back to the 2 events. I just don't remember it all. Scary, to me. You see, my mom was diagnosed with dementia in her early 50's. I'm 48. All these years, when I was in my 20's, I assumed mom went "crazy" because she went thru menopause. I had heard that women acted crazy during menopause. I just figured mom couldn't handle it and went crazy. Needless to say, I dreaded as I got older and older and that number 50 was coming up. Would I go crazy like mom when I hit menopause? Only these past few years, I've learned about Alzheimer. It's caused by brain cells synapses dying or twisting out of shape - not from menopause.

Red, I laughed as I read your post. I did that, too.. several times. Now, before I go crazy looking for something, I tell myself to calm down, look at myself, then the area around me. If I don't see it, Then I can hysterically tear the place apart looking for it. Most times, I make a mess of the place before I find it - in plain view in another room.

Book...it also has a lot to do with how many other things are on your plate...you seem to have a full load like most caregivers do...everyone gets distracted once in a while and looses track of stuff...one day I was running all over the house looking for my other shoe...my husband asked me what I was looking for and I told him...he just grinned at me and said..."you have one on your foot and another in your hand...how many do you need"...needless to say I felt pretty silly.

I have become very forgetful.... I tell people I am getting Alz. by osmosis for working with folks for so many years....There are days I feel like a bubble headed bleached blonde...Instead of coming home and going to bed yesterday morning....I did errands.... I was at the post office and just blundered my way to the head of the line... I felt so brain dead... I turned around and apologized to all those standing behind me.... the lady behind me said, "you were here first".... with a 'poor thing' look on her face.... I still just stood there and looked at her.... like 'what are you talking about?'.... needless to say, I tended to my business and got out of there..... then, like a dumb ass I try to enter my info for a prepaid credit card..... I have it so f**ked up that money will be lost in cyber space for ever...... by then, I had 'hit the wall' and could not sleep to save my life... so ya, I totally understand that 'deer in the headlight' look I have so much of the time.

Oh SA you are still so young (this is one of your other AC mothers talking) Sean is NOT going to get his shit together - it is the spice. I never was into drugs and luckily my three kids ( not that I know of )were not either so I know little about the illegal stuff but I do know that spice is particularily dangerous. it is synthetic weed and you never know what crap they make it from. Yes you have taught your boys well but Sean at least fell off the straight and narrow, maybe while you were distracted with Mom when he was at a critical age. None of it your fault. You had to do what you had to do. I am not blaming you. You were in survival mode and often that slipped into dying mode just to escape. You were hanging on by your finger tips if you had reached out to help Sean you would both had toppled off the cliff. Besides he was almost grown and seemed to be able to manage On top of that he was grandmas golden boy and she gave him the earth as well as the sun moon and stars while she treated you worse that her nail clippings. These are the facts. Sean has yet to reach rock bottom and only then can he change and maybe it will be too late because the spice will have killed him. He's playing with fire and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. As fast as you put out the fire and hide the matches he goes out and buys more and 'here we go again" if there was not another match left in the world he would learn how to rub two sticks together his need is so bent on self destruction. he is happily swimming with the sharks and you can shout all the warnings you like but he'll keep jumping in. if you jump in too guess what will happe?. You won't save him you will just become the shark's desert.
Of course he's thinking with his other head most men do even the most upright and responsible of them. they may not DO anything but the thoughts are still there. So he's found a slut or maybe she actually isn't but she is certainly another adict.
Sean has money and is willing to spend it for his own pleasure so of course he attracts others with like interests.
Now why does he behave this way? I don't mean this unkindly but is he mentally ill? it does after all run in his family you have admitted that. You have never mentioned his father, well you have but just in passing, but is there mental illness in that side of the family too?
You can't save Sean. That is a very sad but obvious fact. You can be there to help him recover when and if he sees the light.
But first you need to take care of yourself and secure your future.
You know all this.
The house is all you have left of your past. It is old but right now is your only reality.
Let it go Barbara. it is not yours. Your mother gave it to Sean. you are hanging onto it like a rejected lover. The more you cling the harder it will pull away. This has nothing to do with Sean and his irrisposible behaviour. This has to do with your emotional health and your current inability to face the situation It comes under the heading of "be careful what you wish for"
The flood is coming are you going to be the little Dutch boy and keep your finger in the hole in the dyke for the rest of your life. The cavalry is not coming Barbara but there is still a horse in the barn. Run as fast as you can and throw a bridle on. No time for a saddle, junp on bareback and out run the flood. Don't look back as the house floats away. There are other houses but there is only one YOU. Love ya kid

Thank God you guys admit to doing that kind of thing. I do that, too, sometimes and the first thing that comes to mind is alz... *twitch* I think it's just stress and/or having your mind on 100 things at once. Still, it's weird, knowing you did something and have no memory whatsoever of doing it. Glad I'm not alone. lol

Book: You sound like me when my thyroid level is low! My husband and I looked everywhere for my favorite (huge) coffee cup. He came outside holding it with a huge grin on his face. Ok where did you find it? He said in the microwave..... I still don't remember putting it in there!

Book, I'm sorry, but I had a little giggle at your last post. I was just imagining the look on your face. lol No worries, I think we all get a little of what you were dealing with...doing things then not remembering doing it. I've done that, too. It is freaky.

And yeah, I understand what you're saying. I don't have a problem with the house belonging to Sean. I have more of a problem with the fact that he just doesn't seem to give a damn about it. I talk till I'm blue in the face, trying to get him involved in what needs doing around here, bills, etc, and he just blows me off. The homeowners insurance, for example. I asked Sean to get a policy, handle it. The house is in his name after all. But no. Days go by. He still hadn't called to get a policy. Then weeks go by, still no policy. I'm over here sweating bullets over something happening to the house and it not being insured and Sean just walks around like he doesn't have a care in the world. Asking him about the policy, which required a phone call, got me nowhere. All I got was 'I'll handle it', or 'Yeah, I forgot. I'll call tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Only freaking tomorrow never got here. I got tired of talking, said piss on it and got the damn policy myself. It's in both our names. And, this is weird, even though this house does belong to Sean, nobody will talk to him about anything. We got something in the mail from the insurance company, I asked Sean to take the paper to the office and handle it...which he actually did try to do. But then he came home and said that they wouldn't discuss the issue with him, that I had to go down there. Really? The paperwork clearly has his name on it, he's the homeowner! I don't understand it.

Anyway, I have the other house to go to, and yes, next week I'm going to insist we go see a lawyer and get that place in my name. I don't mind Sean having this house, and he can date and bring anyone he likes over here. I've never disputed that, nor do I have a problem with it. I just asked Sean to give me one month to get my stuff together, get the other renters out of the smaller house, before he brings that chick over here. He swears that's not going to happen. Yup. Whatever. Right now, he's thinking with his dick, which is never a good thing.

No, I have no problem with Sean having the house and me leaving. What I do have an issue with is watching my parents house fall into disrepair and neglect. And it would. And then there's the issue of all the losers that would be hanging out over here, passed out every night if I left here. The thought of my parents house turning into some kind of slop/flop house for druggies makes my blood broil.

Yeah, I have literally spent thousands of dollars of my own money to fix this place up. Had I waited for Sean to handle it all, which I did for awhile, nothing would be done to this day. You MUST adhere to a certain standard in this neighborhood or you start getting letters and threats of fines.

There is no way in hell that Sean could handle this place, and all that goes with it, by himself. He would sink like a stone because he's got his head stuck up his ass. He'd lose this place. Since we've agreed I get half the funds for this place if he sells it, I do have a stake in maintaining it.

I'm happy that Sean has this house, would love it if he found a really nice girl, got married, started a family....that's what he's supposed to do! I have no problem giving up my place here as queen bee. lol It's not that. It's just the fact that he's frankly hanging out with pure scum and I will fight him tooth and nail before he brings Alia here. Alia is a tattoo artist. She's damn good, too....when she can get to work, that is. Sean told me once that she was pulling in over $1500 a week. And yet, the bills didn't get paid when they moved out and got an apartment. Why? Because Alia's money went on drugs. Who needs it? You think I want someone like that in THIS house? Oh God, no. Hell no. That girl will utterly ruin Sean, and when a poor sap is thinking with his OTHER head, those kind of facts and details tend to be a bit fuzzy and unclear. Add drugs to the mix and someone could F you 6 ways to Sunday and you don't realize it until it's too damn late.

Anyway, yeah. I'll leave this place, Sean, all of it, in a skinny NY minute if push comes to shove. I'll let Sean, and this house, go to hell in a hand basket if it really comes to that, if he's stupid enough to get tangled up with that train wreck loser of a girl once again.

What the hell is wrong with people? THIS chick is the kind of chick I always warned Sean to RUN like hell from. I've taught both my boys what to look for in a chick that's seriously bad news, told them to run like a bat out of hell if they see those kind of signs. Well, F it. If he's that brain dead and hooks up with her again, more fool him and he can deal. I won't have any problems walking away from this if that's how it all goes down.

I'm starting to think of work. Trying to get a hold of the hiring manager at my old job to see if I can be re hired. If so, wonderful. If not, the job hunt begins. I've decided to take a class, too. It's about time to start living.

Thanks everyone, for all your wisdom. I really would be lost without all of you .

Hope your day is peaceful, and that your charges are peaceful.

I think I'm going senile. Or getting dementia. I went to Kmart this morning. I did father's purchases first. Scanned my card, pressed Credit and then signed it. While I was dumping his purchases into the cart, the cashier rang up my charges. I hit "No" for donation to some charity. Swiped my card. Then continued putting the bags into the cart. I turned to hit "Credit" and ... it was done. Huh? I asked the cashier that I still needed to sign it. She said that I did. I said, "No, the 2nd charges." She said that I did. I don't remember doing it!

I come home, plugged my laptop to the AC adapter, turned on my laptop, grabbed my book because it takes a while for my laptop to boot up. I get up after reading to the end of the chapter to type my password. My laptop was already opened, showing my desktop. I stared at it. I don't remember typing in my password. My laptop's battery is soooo old (both of it are age 6) that I can only run my laptop on battery for only 3 minutes. (I tried to find the original battery for this laptop but they don't make it anymore. I read that if you buy a generic battery it can cause a fire. With a bedridden person in the house, I don't want to take the chance of buying a generic. So, my laptop 99.9% runs by electric power.) So, I look at my battery output on the bottom right. It's on Full charge. I Rarely put my laptop on Sleep or Hibernate mode. I turn it on when I'm home, and shut it down when I'm leaving the house or going to sleep. I don't remember typing in the password of my laptop. I think I'm going crazy. I did bring it up to 2 different doctors and a neurologist. They all said that I'm too young to have dementia. I sure hope they're right because.. I really don't remember signing that 2nd charge at Kmart nor typing in the password to this laptop. I'm getting a headache. I'm going back to my book. Very exciting book. Scary too. {{he he..has to do with supernatural stuff..never learn..I'm terrified of the real deal and here I am reading it in the book...}}

SA I agree with Book you have to consider what is best for you-if the small house is available have it signed over to you before you have nothing and no place to live-do not put any more money into his house-save you money for yourself.

SA, what are you doing to ensure your livelihood? I know that you love that big old house. But you really need to realistically face the truth. That is Sean's home. You and your younger son are at Sean's mercy. You know this, yet you keep clinging to it. My question to you is this: Have you made Any Progress in getting Sean to sign over the smaller house to you? The longer you wait, the less likelihood he will sign it over. It would have been best to have done this when he was ecstatic over the sale of the barn. You are relying too much on blood ties. Never ever underestimate the power of drugs, friends and girlfriends. I didn't understand why you were spending so much of your portion of the money to fix up the big house. You can cling to it all you want, but one day, Sean will end up doing what he thinks is best for him. After a while, all your lectures will just be going in one ear and out the other. All the money you're putting into that house may in the end be all for naught.. Unless he Did include your name into the house/land deed???

Thought for the day: On Particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%...... and thats pretty good!

SA, wow, I cannot imagine how difficult the situation was when this girl was living in the home. How long ago was that? Then to see your son appear to be with her again? Unimaginable. I know my son sure dated some women of extremely questionable motives, ethics, and habits. Thank goodness, he outgrew the need for these sorts of people in his life. He will be 30 this year, hard to believe, married a very wonderful, kind and intelligent young woman two years ago.

I almost hate to ask this, but has Sean completed a last will and testament or a POA? So many things can happen in this crazy world we live in. Has he at least also put your name on the house?

SA you know you have to stop this! Tell Sean she is not allowed in the house and if she does come YOU WILL CALL THE COPS!! No if, ands, or buts.....

And no, I don't blame Alia for Sean's own little bad habit. That's HIS stupidity. Nobody else's. There is that one little word. NO. It comes in very handy.

Thanks, all of you. I appreciate your kind words and the fact that you take the time to share your stories to help others. And what a huge help it is. You guys keep my grounded. I'm sorry that someone else caused you guys pain for a lifetime. Betrayal...and that's what it felt like...is a lot worse when it's your own parent . **hugs**

This is a rant, just for me. Right when I think my stress and anxiety can't get any freaking worse..

Last weekend, Sean took off. He was gone from Friday until Sunday. No problem. I just found out he spend the entire weekend with his ex girlfriend, Alia. No. Oh no. Oh please no. NO. **facepalm**

It's not that I dislike the girl. But I know bad news when I see it 1000 miles away. The second I laid eyes on Alia I just got a real bad vibe. I noted it and kept my mouth shut. My son is a grown man. He can date who he wants.

My mom was still alive and sound of mind when I noticed that Alia was hanging around and awful lot, and spending the night. That mess wasn't going over well with me. Then the bomb really dropped when I found out my mom had told that girl she could stay here. I lost it. I went off on my mom, asked her if she had completely lost her freaking mind.

Time goes on. A couple weeks go by. Then a month. This little arrangement isn't going well. Oh, everyone ELSE in this house was just peachy. I wasn't. I felt like a live wire my nerves were so shot.

Ok, I've never told anyone this, but I will tell you ladies. Because of all those crazy years taking care of my mom and dealing with whacked out sleep patters, I tend to be up and down at night. So. Alia is firmly entrenched here by now and she and Sean sleep in the front room of the house, the living room, which is right next to the kitchen. I can't count how many times I woke up late at night, came out to get something to drink, only to hear the two of them going at it. **cringes** BLEH! I felt so d**n uncomfortable in my own house. I don't care whose name this house is in. Legally, it might be Sean's, but in my heart it's mine because I'm the one who really cares about it and maintains it. Anyway, who needs that shit? That royally pissed me off. That's one of the main reasons I didn't want that girl living here. I mean, really? What parent wants to intrude on such personal things? I don't. I was mortified as hell that I had to discuss this, but I had to tell Sean that he needed to put an end to that mess immediately. I told him to take that girl into a car, into the woods out back, into a ditch for all I cared, but not in this house.

Another time, again, because I was up a lot at night, I walk out to the kitchen for a snack, Sean walks around the corner and doesn't see me at first and he's butt a** naked. I made some kind of hissing sound and immediately turned around. He was embarrassed as h**l and rightly so. I mean, really, if you have a room where you can shut the door, fine. But when you're sleeping in the living room in the middle of the house you can't go around butt a** naked and neither can your girl. I couldn't believe I actually had to explain such common sense.

Anyway, yeah, that kind of crap was bad enough, but this girl is trouble with a capital T in other ways. She's a serious drug addict. I know that for a fact, and Sean admitted it, too. She does major, hard drugs, like heroin based s**t and pops all kinds of pills and drinks, too. She's out of control, on a freight train straight to h**l. If she ran out of drugs and went through withdrawal, she was a curled up, groaning, shaking, puking train wreck on the bathroom floor. I remember the first time I saw that I was just shocked. She's so whacked out on drugs she's been in trouble with the law on several occasions, she's ended up homeless, she's lost job after job....this is major, full blown drug addiction to the nasty, ugly stuff that the devil gets people to manufacture for him. It's a horror of a life that I can't even begin to imagine. And frankly, I don't want it dragged into my world. I'm not without sympathy for this girl. I do feel very sorry for her. God help her. But she's not one to help herself. She's one to attach herself to a guy and take him for whatever she can get. That is obvious and very, very clear in her behavior. This isn't just me, being one of those controlling, jealous, weird mothers you hear about. lol This girl has major problems, serious problems, LIFE LONG problems, MONEY SUCKING problems, and frankly, I don't want kid sucked into this chick's game again. God, please no.. I literally feel a little sick. I know what kind of trouble chicks like this bring with them and nobody here needs any of this girl's destructive, negative s**t. Sean is no angel. He's still smoking spice. I can say, based on his behavior and speech lately, that he has cut back on it. At least that's something. But bring this girl...and her drugs...into this house, around me, and Sean's brother, ? What, then Sean starts doing other crap, dangerous, ugly crap, too? He was doing some weird s**t when he was with her the first time. To this day, he swears that he left his body and met and conversed with another, living being from another plane of existence. Sean swears he was in another realm and it was as real and you and I. Yeeeeah. I told him I didn't want to hear that s**t. It really pissed me off. Fine, I've smoked weed, and I've been drunk more times than I can count, but I never messed with crazy dangerous drugs, the kind that can and do kill people. Sean had to call 911 for Alia a couple times. She was having seizures, her heart stopped once after the medics got there... It's a h**lish world, the world of the heavily addicted. I don't want that craziness, and those demons, in my world. When hell freezes. And that's exactly what I told Sean. This, I'm willing to go to war for.

Thanks for letting me get that out. My blood pressure jacked right on up finding out that Sean is hanging around this train wreck of a girl again. God, enough. Not this. Please... Just....UGH!!!

SA in time you will be all right -my mom never liked me when I was young she told me that when I was very young a toddler-my dad would make a fuss over me when he got home from work-that made her a bitter angry women right up until she passed at almost 94 years-how sick was that-she made my life miserable.

Red it is so great your husband is on the same page with you-isn't great to have a good man in your corner-my late husband would often say he hated me-my honey amazes me how nice he is-I do tell him that I appreciate him.

B1, It is so hard on you. The incontinence has to be addressed. She needs depends. My mother in law used to wear girdles.We had to finally remove all underwear and girdles out of her drawer and replace with depends. She has long forgotten about the other. Since you work fulltime, you can not be in two places at once. They all refuse in home help, but will get used to it. You'd be amazed how having someone start out a few hours/day can relieve some of your burden. Its time to discuss a change with parents. The fact your mother can no longer clean up after herself shows a diminished capacity to do her own hygeine. My mother in law can no longer clean up after her incontinence and forgets to wash hands......She gets recurrent urinary tract infections (UTI's) because stool gets into her tract. Many things to look out for with an already compromised immune system.

Only child of elderly parents. My mom has cancer and my dad is the primary caregiver but is not in the best of health himself. I work full time but as only child I feel very overwhelmed by all there is to do. The house is very run down and has so much clutter I dont know where to begin to clear it out? My mom has not been able to make it to the bathroom so I find feces on the chair she sleeps in and the bathroom has feces everywhere. I know this is a sacred time with my parents because my mom is dying and once she is gone my dad will not last long. Everyday I go to help them with great intentions and then end up overwhemed and frustrated. My mom refuses any outside help as she does not want strangers in her house. Also she will not plan her funeral cause she will be dead so who cares. I love my parents but I do resent them at times and wonder if anyone else feels this way? after the resentment comes guilt. I know loosing your parents is a part of life and everyone goes thru it yet it is much harder then I imagined.

Veronica, as I read your words, I felt sadness. Sadness because it rang within me. Our parents had 9 children. 1 died during the typhoon (child #3). I don't ever recall any affections from our parents. No hugs, no encouragements, no touching (Innocent touches), etc... I remember Nana. She was sooo funny. She used to take turns living at each of her children's home. When she came to our home, we all fought to be seated on her lap. I was in elementary at the time. She was the one who showered us with affections, hugs, touches. But, she was sooo naughty! She would take off her upper dress, then take her sagging boobs, and flip it over her shoulder. Hmmm.... maybe not so funny now that I'm an adult. I don't know if she had dementia. I just know that she was very very old, with that round apple wrinkled face, sagging arms (she loved to raise her hand and wiggle it to make us laugh). I always thought she spoke only our native language and No English because the whole time she spent with us, she would shake her head if we spoke to her in English. She was the one who tried to teach me to speak our native language not my parents. But, then one day, she stopped hopping around and stayed put with one daughter. And that was the end of my language lesson. I just learned recently from oldest bro that Nana spoke perfect English! Up to now, I still do not comprehend my native language. I'm totally 'Americanized' and 'shame' on me for not knowing how to speak my language!

I couldn't help it. I giggled about you picking grandma's paralyzed hand and then dropping it. That's what brought to my mind of Nana. Depending on the personalities, I think grandmothers make the grandkids get away with lots of stuff. I don't ever recall any of my aunts/uncles/parents showing Nana any affections. Only us kids seem to fight over her. Thank you for sharing your story. It also made me go down memory lane with my grandmother.

SA... I've been in the same place as you. As everyone knows I have been absent much of the last few months. Much of that has been due to pain, also due to my inability to deal with mother's death and the guilt associated with her death. It took some time to face that I did everything I could for her, and more than anyone else. It isn't my fault she died. In fact, she lived longer because of the care she received from me than she would have done otherwise. I miss my mom. I know we had a love/hate relationship, but she was my mom. I know you feel the same way about your mom. Sending you big hugs!

So much pain on such a beautiful day. The sun is shining and the crows are making a h**l of a noise. If that's a mating call I am glad I am not a crow.
My Mum has been dead now over thirty years. I never had to care for her and wasn't present when she died. I did not want to see her after she died and I am still glad that I did not. I didn't want that image in my eyes for the rest of my life. I can still see her face but feel no loss and no affection. I don't believe she was capable of it as she had never had it. The youngest of 8 she was raised by an older sister and merged into a familly of about twelve with her mothers second marriage which i suspect was one of conveniece with so many young children to care for. I only met step grand dad once and never remember him speaking. He had a limp and a big built up shoe for his club foot. I never talked to my grandma because she had had a stroke by the time I met her and could not speak. She did smile at me when i played with her paralysed arm. I was about three and fascinated with that. I would pick it up and drop it. No one ever told me to stop even though they were right there in the room sitting at the kitchen table under the air raid shelter - my mother and my aunts. I don't know if I hurt grandma or not because she just kept smiling. There was no affection in the room non to give and none received. So sad

Pam and Red, my heart goes out to you. SA I could have written that post myself as it's the story of my life as well.. Although my mother is in a NH and I changed my phone number, visiting brings it all back and unhinges me every time. I visited yesterday and the rest of my day was a blur of misery. I have to go one day next week as it's her birthday but after that I'll visit infrequently.

Heart that is my plan, now the awful winter has gone, to start getting out, meeting new people and doing new things. My life stopped five years ago so, apart from my beloved dogs, my world right now is totally empty. I'm not sure I remember what "normal" actually is.

Jam - Yes... it's difficult... very difficult... What's helped me is finally realizing that I had to get back into the mainstream of life... and find some kind of 'normal' again... I know this isn't easy, because we don't realized that our 'normal' in caregiving slowly changes us and everything/everyone around us... So, I jumped into 'life' again (while still caring for my mother)... but, I'm finding time for myself to get out... literally... to meet new people (started a neighborhood caregiving support group at a nearby restaurant through a site called Nextdoor... This is a site nationwide (I believe) or you can start one by posting at a community center, local newspaper(?) or by word-of-mouth. As we baby-boomers are aging there's going to be more and more need to come together and a 'local' (neighborhood) support group is a great way to maintain your sanity... just a suggestion

SA I understand your avoiding AC. You need time to heal. When you're ready we'll be here... Hugs..?

Ah, Reddog....your post made me cry. I feel so sorry for your mil. I'm just so glad you guys are there. Thank God for that. And I'm very glad to know that there's no physical pain.

This will be one of the hardest things, if not THE hardest thing, you'll ever deal with in this lifetime.

I'm really beginning to understand why people cut themselves. When you deal with pain and grief and sadness and despair that's so intense it feels like a white hot burn inside your whole body, it makes you a little crazy. When I had to watch my mom go through alz, especially that last month, I wanted to shriek and scream and pound the walls. I felt like I wanted to tear my hair out, claw my face, do something, anything, physical to stop that unholy pain.

I always knew the day of reckoning would come. I always knew the day would come when I'd be left alone with a lifetime of unresolved and unacknowledged pain. And I feared it. It's loomed over me my whole life, that pain. And now it's here after my mom is gone...

I spent 48 years of my life one pissed off bitch. Why? Because being a pissed off b***h was a whole lot better than the alternative, a sobbing, twitching wreck curled into a ball in the corner. My mom would have broken me like a toothpick had I not had defenses up.

Those defenses are now crumbling around me. No matter how I try to suppress, suppress, suppress that pain, it's getting stronger and it's claws are like razor blades. What I've spent my whole life looking away from, the pain, the fear, the anger my mom poured into my soul without mercy. The lack of affection. The lack of closeness. The lack of love. The lack of caring. The lack of respect. The lack of smiles. The lack of laughter. The lack of peace. The lack of joy. The lack of hugs. The lack of happy, shared moments. So, so much lacking in our relationship. And I bled. Every single Fing day, day after day, year after year, for 48 years I bled internally and nobody ever knew. Certainly not my mom. I would have slit my own throat before I ever allowed her to know she could hurt me. But d**n, did I rage. And I hated myself for that rage, that anger, that evil. But at the same time, it was my salvation. I don't hate my mom. I never did. It felt like it. But that was just more armor. And I had 100 feet of steel and granite, aka RAGE, around me my whole life.

So sorry everyone. So confused. So much PAIN. I feel I'm literally being consumed and eaten alive. It takes everything I've got to keep standing and keep going.

I've been avoiding AC because of all the PAIN here. I feel so raw that sometimes it feels like I can't take one single thing more that's painful or sad, not even a drop of it, or I'll crack like an egg. Sometimes I feel so filled with grief and sadness that it seems I should start seeing cracks all over my body from the intense pressure of it.

I'll heal. I'll get over it. I have to.

Peace today to you guys. *hugs you guys* Stay strong. I hope the day is a good one for all of you and your charges.