This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
You have us here on AC to talk with. We're all in the same boat.
Laura, I had that happen to me. I couldn't access AC from one computer, but I had access on the other one. Then one day, there was a glitch on AC, and I got kicked out. When I tried to sign back in, I couldn't. So, I sent AC an email and asked them for my password. Yep, I was off by a few numbers. That was I couldn't sign in.
Red, thinking of you and your husband. As I read your words, I was imagining it. That must be really heart wrenching to hear her pleas for help, and the lost sound of her voice.
Pam... I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this right now. 32 is so young! Big hug.
Bookluvr, that is just the scenario I want to avoid, and Veronica is right, they just don't know when to quit. They don't know when more is too much. The treatments are worse than the disease if you let them keep going. This doctor hates me, hates my questions, resents anyone who dares to suggest anything. He actually puts his nose in the air and arrogantly waves his palm across the room trying to silence me. I call it the Wetzler Wave. The nurses say he is brilliant and dedicated. I say he has tunnel vision.
I hope you can make peace with your decision and know that I will be here to support you.. HUGS MY AC FRIEND!!!
Drs especially Oncologists are famous for not facing the truth and doing what is best for the patient. That as you know, is why it is called "comfort care" make whatever time she has left peaceful and pain free. I can not imagine what it is like to loose a son or daughter especially when you have to stand by and watch helplessly as they decline. You are such a strong woman I know you will do it with comfort and grace.
My 10 yr old niece had bone cancer. They cut off her leg. The cancer had already spread to her chest/lungs. Every scheduled chemo (Radiation?), she got weaker and weaker. The last chemo was too much for her. She had completely lost her appetite, and even to sip water caused her to throw up. Her mom decided to take her to the ER when she kept throwing up (heaving nothing) and couldn't stop. Her heart stopped enroute. ER docs spent 30 minutes trying to jumpstart her heart. Imagine, that being your last thought in life - throwing up, feeling miserable. That was the one thing that stood out for me. Poor girl...
Pam, I'm so sorry that you're facing this. I'm also sorry for your daughter. 32 is still so young.
I wish I could take away your pain... praying.
Though what sister POA did about that same time was take mom to her financial institutions to have trustee position on accounts changed from mom to her having mom sign. That is called undue influence, and a criminal offense. The trust states clearly how the trustee position is to change and mom's signature is not one of them. Her turn with feet to the fire is coming. What she has done is enough to have her removed as a beneficiary, and funny thing is, she did all of this to try to protect her inheritance.
If your mother chose you as POA judges should not overturn that unless there are extenuating circumstances. Law in my state will not turn over guardianship in my state either to someone other than POA except in extenuating circumstances. That was your mother's choice when she was competent. You sister has the burden of proof since she is the one fighting your mother's decision. Can you call the lawyer and tell them your mother is fairly advanced with Alzheimer's disease? I would also get a geriatric case manager to come do an assessment on you mom and living conditions, prepare a report, and submit to the court.
You as POA have the right to use mom's money to retain your own attorney to protect your status and your mother's wishes. Check out the website AVVO, find a highly rated attorney in your area that has a significant about of their practice listed as litigation. You Do NOT want a estate type attorney. Look for a bulldog! On the site you can ask attorneys questions, receive responses, at no charge. It may be helpful in finding an appropriate attorney. If you were in my area I would know exactly where to send you.
I can't believe my sister is going to get away with this...she has the money in the family so she can do as she pleases. I told her I didn't want her to have POA and her response was a sneering "are YOU going to pay her funeral expenses then?"
horrible woman. I feel so helpless and hopelessly impotent. so angry. Mom does not deserve this.
Please find someone to comfort you. Blessings
Wanting, you've just reached a scary time. I am sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I'll never forget the moment, the second, that I realized that my mom had gone over the edge and wasn't ever coming back. I was standing in the living room, really looking at her and suddenly I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I realized in that instant that she wasn't the person I had known anymore, that alz had stolen that person... And yeah, I knew it was going to get tougher. It does. It gets a whole lot more painful because there's nothing you can do but watch it happen, not one d**n thing.
There were times, like that one especially, where I wished to God that alz could manifest itself into something I could get my hands on and beat the living s**t out of it. Robbed indeed. My mom and I didn't have some rosy relationship, but what matter? It sucks watching anyone, no matter who it is, go on this h***ish 'journey'. I used to think of a 'journey' as a fun, happy adventure. Now I associate that word with horror and negative things. Alz tortures everyone it comes into contact with.
Reddog, I am so sorry. I was glad to hear that being reassured that she would be taken care of helped calm your MIL. I can imagine how scary it would be to suddenly not be able to see. One thing I never wanted my mom to feel was fear. You're doing what you can and all you can. Your MIL is very blessed to have you there with her. I really hope she continues to stay peaceful and comfortable. And really, sleep might be a good thing. I see it as the soul craving what's outside the body and reaching for all those endless worlds it will soon know through sleep... I know, I'm weird, but that's how I envision it. **hugs**
Have a great day, ya'll!
Wanting... I know it seems like you have nothing to look forward to right now... but please... don't give up. Even when mother was at her worst we strove to have family dinners to keep a sense of normalcy for her. Did it help? I don't know. I like to think it did. I know it helped me keep my sanity.
Judd... thank you for sharing your pain. You summed up my entire time with mother in your poem. It made me cry. But more than that, it reminded me of my mom who has been gone almost a year.
Hope everyone has a GREAT evening!
Mom has went from asking questions over and over to silence...far worse. I can see that there will be nothing BUT worse from now on. There's literally nothing to look forward to anymore. No more holidays, no more shopping trips, no more of her cooking.
I tell her I love her as often as I can...she has always responded with "I love you too"...she doesn't do that anymore.
I am not ready for this. I feel so robbed.
I read a book one time with a quote I think of often: "Don't fear old age, young one, or death..for it won't come for you but for another whom the Gods will make ready" well, I am still me, where is this one that was supposed to be made ready?