This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/How-do-you-make-everyone-happyMy-12-year-old-wants-my-time-but-my-mom-needs-my-time-167426.htm?cpage=0&post=1&cm=336056&z=1#336056
April 6, 2014 Masks
Always trying to find the right attitude; the response that will generate some closeness,
trying to give and share but Mom's responses are judgmental, sarcastic, apathetic, condescending,
disrespectful, angry, defensive, or hostile. There is no more common ground.
So I wear a mask, a wooden mask, a shield.
I am barely behind this mask.
I checked out of Abuseville a long time ago,
She'll won't even think of places to look for me,
Nor does she really care anymore.
I am on a permanent holiday of liberation:
It's a soulful expanse of God's ocean where bliss rolls in and out with my precious breath.
I might have to be here but I can't hear her anymore.
I am tuning in to the birds, the trees that pass by the car window,
as she rambles on with her forceful scratchy voice, machine gun style.
If I am not tuning out and being elsewhere I am mentally making my escape routes;
what to cook for dinner, what projects to concentrate on to get my life back on track.
My love is barely alive. I feel dirty and uncomfortable for that.
I am fueled by obligation, memories of better days with Mom.
These days I discover survival tactics. New ones every week.
This week it was dancing wildly in my apartment
to songs I loved when I was young, carefree, and far away from her.
Songs, that remind me of who I was, how I was becoming myself.
When I saw Mom, it was a few times a year and mostly we had fun.
She really was the love of my life: my friend, my mother, my confidant. And I believed all her stories and blamed the others in her life as she did. Now I see a different picture. I am like the blamed ones.
In the older days, after the childhood traumas and before today,
my mother and I danced at ballroom parties. I'd go to mom's apartment and her bed was piled with clothes for me to try on and to wear to that special dance.
I saw the annoying remarks, the nervous energy she had, but it was funny, entertaining. I didn't get wounded.
Today, the kind words from her barely are uttered and never without a stabbing ending comment.
I am so weary of trying to be present for her.
And this mask, this wooden mask, is heavier every day.
So we will go food shopping, and errand shopping and go to doctor appointments, but I'm not here
like Mom,
not ever here again, in the same way as we were before.
I have managed to curb my husband from "investing" in coins gold and junk silver. I don't think he got scammed. Then there was the stock market account but that at least has been cashed out. I am just sharing not looking for advice!!!!. he is convinced the government will come knocking on everyone's door in the near future and seize all our valuables and bank accounts. Well they might and the president might declare himself a dictator. It's all possible. But at 75 with plenty of health problems I prefer not to stress about it.
Some especially my daughters would decribe me as a hoarder and can't wait to give me a good clear out. I am an avid crafter and addicted to rummage and garage sales so pick up all sorts of bits and pieces which DO come in handy or spark the creative juices.
My husband does not have dementia. A neurologist told him so but he sure gives a good impression at times!!!!!!!. I wonder if they have Internet in the FEMA camps so I can keep in touch with all my AC friends.
Many hugs,love and blessing Red I can ony admire what you have done for MIL.Will you have the dog stuffed when his time comes?
My dad was the same way, and in the end , God saw fit to be present for his ragged old soul.... and he went peacefully... I know this is hard.... for everyone... lots of prayers for you and your family.
The doll.... I make 'art dolls' and some of them sell for lots of money... not mine, but artists that have a 'name'... some up to $1500.... so that paperwork was with the will for a reason.... like was said, maybe now is not the time to investigate, but dolls have an incredible collector factor . And how awesome that mil worked so hard and got something for herself that she cherished....sometimes we forget that they had this huge life before it was our turn to participate..... sending all of you hugs...
I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. Have you located a grief support group? Caregivers go through so much there should be support for these special situations. Our lives revolve around the one we are caring for and our grief is of a different variety.
sorrow replaced joy.
mourning moved in.
endless weeping took over.
detachment, isolation, and darkness
illuminates the covered-windowed rooms.
if this grief is the price i pay for love
I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
love again.
I count the days
until God takes me, too.
Talk to his Dr about this. You can take him in but there is nothing they can do to diagnose it without testing. he can have a barium swallow which is an x-ray while he swallows a chalky liquid, be evaluated by a speech and swallowing expert where he would be asked to swallow various textures of food covered in barium. Then there is a gastroscopy where and instrument is passed through the mouth into the stomach. This is done under sedation and the throat is numbed.. there is another test where a tube is passed through the nose into the oesophagus and vasrious pressure readings are taken to judge how well the oesophagus is able to pass food along.
Difficulty swallowing or Dysphagia is very common as we age and can have several causes, mechanical, in which the muscles become weaken. neurological where nerves are affected as in injury, stroke, disease bone damage from such things as arthritis or osteoporosis. An otherwise healthy adult can usually deal with this themselves by learning which foods to avoid, taking small mouthfulls,frequesnt small meals, sitting upright to eat. and making smoothies for extra nutrition. fiber can be incorporated into smoothies with powder suppliments plus extra protien.
it is potentially very serious in that the sufferer can literally choke to death and the experience is terrifying. caregivers should familiarize themselves with the Heimlick manouver. A healthy adult can accomplish this themselves by leaning over the back of a dining chair.
The feeling of a mucous plug can be lessened by keeping the patient well hydrated and using a humidifier if the air is very dry. As a last resort tube feeding can be employed.
Any testing will depend on your husbands level of co-operation but even without it precautions can be taken at home
hope your night goes well.
Brothers are supposed to come tomorrow, I hope the visit is pleasant and she enjoys it.
Sister is getting upset and wanting to fight with the doctor "why didn't he DO something when we first talked to him about it!" "We have to be more aggressive with him!"
I am trying to be a rock for my mom....I can't fight with the doc, can't expend the energy on what might have been. I have done the best I could do with what info I had.
Oh I do not want to lose my Mom. I am not ready for this. My heart is breaking... intellectually, I think "well, at least she isn't afraid of dying anymore...she won't really know she's dying" but the little kid in me is crying "don't go away Mom!"
I could SOOO fall apart if I allowed myself to. I am taking antidepressants myself and doing gardening...and I am asking for help..just so sad.
Fried... So many illnesses cause these types of behaviors in our loved ones. You might also have dad checked for a UTI... that will cause LOADS of erratic behaviors!
Everyone... Have a GREAT evening!
With mom, towards the end, she was freezing despite being covered with blankets. Be careful, one time, I smelled her sweat. Opened the blanket, and she was soaking wet. Really soaking wet, with chilly skin. Her hospital gown felt as if it just came out of the washer. The waterproof pad and the lifter were also soaking wet. Yet, her skin was icy cold. After that, I had to make sure once in a while to check if she's okay underneath the blanket.
The cycle of life. As one is moving towards the end of life, another one enters your lives from the opposite end. Wow. You have raised a good son who has values. Most people would just automatically say that that is not my child. But your son was willing to step up to the plate and to actually insist on visitation rights. You know, that is soooo rare. I'm glad that you shared this with us. {{{Hugs}}}
give mil hugs for me..... she is on the road 'home' and not giving up yet..... I know this is hard....but she is aware of how much she is loved... and in the end, that's all that matters anyway.....
hugs to you Red.