This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Wanting: I'm glad you are setting boundaries with Sis and others. Good for you and stick to it. I'm not sure I'd let Sis take her anywhere because she will be more confused than ever especially if you're not with her. I know it sounds like "hovering" or "mothering", but the roles are now reversed and your Mom needs to know that you are always there. Sis can whistle Dixie if she wants, but you're the one who is with Mom all the time. Tell the doc about all that has gone on, even with the vultures, all of it. Docs can get things done faster than we can if they know the whole story and I'm sure the office can set up a case manager to help you sift through all this "stuff". Blessings and keep the faith! xxxooo
With mom in the hospital this is the best time to get her placed. Wait lists can be bypassed. Just tell them that with her increasing needs you can no longer take care of her at home. Then if sis takes her it is her problem!
I am shaking anxious and upset. Hard to work like this...I told my sister I was NOT accepting any blame for Mom's condition, I did NOT cause her to have dementia.
Mid afternoon she calls me at work and asks me where the 'kids' are. How can she know where I am and know how to call me, yet NOT know that she doesn't hAVE kids anymore? I come home and she's put the clothes in the dryer but didn't turn it on, her pillows are missing. I found them in the garage, damp...she wanted to cook dinner, so I suggested fish sticks...simple, easy, she's done it amillion times before...she can't figure it out. She asks 'where are they'; I said the freezer, she looks in the pantry, I tell her again (NICELY) that they are in the freezer "behind you mom" and she gets french fries out. Asks me how I cook them. So I cooked dinner...and she was upset about it but there was nothing I could do! She couldn't do it.
Today she got up and cooked herself a grilled cheese sandwich. She couldn't recognize fish sticks but can make a grilled cheese? She's in bed now, laying on TOP of the covers huddled under a throw; I tried to get her to get up and get IN the bed but she wouldn't so I got a quilt and put over her.
I am so confused...I don't know what to do.
I'm not a sales person... but I am enjoying what I'm doing (mainly because I enjoy the $$) :)
Less than a month and a half left til the 1 year anniversary of mother's death. I figure its going to be VERY difficult. I look back and think there is no way its been that long. This past year has FLOWN! Much of it is still a fog... but I also know that during that time frame I took some MUCH needed ME time! I spent a LOT of time on my motorcycle. Spent COPIOUS amounts of time with my family. Also enjoyed a lot of down time! The one thing I learned from taking care of mother and having to be there 24/7... the importance of down time! I never knew how to relax before. I do now.
Have a GREAT evening!
Laura - great to see you here. I am so glad that you are doing well in the selling business. Take care of YOU!!!
Book - I wish you luck in your future endeavors. It will be alright. I know that you will find yourself in a good position. Take care of YOU!!!!!
Assand - I went out and bought a plastic St. Joseph statue. I did not even think about looking through the Christmas decorations. Well, I sure hope it works. Take care of YOU!!!!
Veronica - I buried the statue in the garden. I had just weeded it out and I read that a garden is a good place and I buried him about a couple of inches down head first. Four feet are they kidding!!!!!!! Our ground sinks around here and I was afraid I would hit water. LOL Take care of YOU!!!!
Hi everyone - I have decided that you all are probably tried of hearing about my brother so I am going to quit talking about him. I am really getting scared about the money situation. I will be looking for a job but I have no idea what. I will definitely not go back to retail. I had a really good session with my counselor today. She was telling me that I have allot to offer. I have a degree in Psychology and a minor in substance abuse. I love helping people. It is almost dinner time and one of my Mom's bridge buddies came by with a spaghetti dinner YUM!! So take care of yourselves all.
Am I telling you to do this? No... I'm telling you that you have options available to you. There are literally HUNDREDS of direct sales companies out there that you can get into for little money. Please avoid the ones that want a HUGE buy-in. By going that route... you are in charge of your own business! Be careful... many have quotas (which means you are NOT your own boss).
Since October I have gone from being a Consultant to being a Star Manager with a team of 10 Consultants under me. I'm enjoying a modest income, and work as little or as much as I want. I'm happy... I'm also paying for a brand new Harley with the money I'm earning... so, its all good. :)
Don't worry... I'm not trying to recruit anyone... but if anyone is interested... lol :P
Have a GREAT evening!
You are fortunate to have a son that will tell the truth rather than come up with lame excuses! I have heard so many of these lame excuses from siblings, I've lost track. But now with guardian and conservator in place, everyone is now witnessing the lameness of siblings.
Be proud! You brought him up right!
Son has just called to see how his granny settled in over the weekend. I think he's feeling that he's disgraced himself, because he was supposed to meet us at the care home to help her settle in but it didn't quite happen. The truth was that his rugby team won an important match on Saturday and the celebrations had gone a bit too well - come Sunday morning he was in no fit state to drive, let alone drive 60 miles down the M4 and arrive with an encouraging smile on his face. Happily, his granny totally agreed that Rugby Comes First and was just pleased that his team had won.
And, besides, you see, here's the difference: Son makes a mess of things, apologises and explains the truth of it without making excuses. That's fine. What I can't stand is lame excuses that try to twist the situation as though it's somehow mother's fault that her children don't visit her, or invite her to things, or indeed demonstrate any care or concern for her at all. "I'm afraid I'm too hungover to drive" is one thing. "You moved so far away it makes it too difficult for us" now… is that why they can't pick up the phone or invite her to family gatherings? It won't wash.
Having said that, Sister relented and went to visit her yesterday, just to check she was settling in. Sister is disappointed that mother 'hasn't made any effort' to socialise with the other residents - I agree it would be great if she would make that effort, and meet them half way, but I can't believe Sister is actually surprised. Mother doesn't make any effort with her old friends; why would she suddenly decide to try to make new ones?
We've just shown our first viewer round the house. Ideal in that she's got two children, aged 6 and 9, because I'd love a young family to move in; but I don't think she was that taken. Secretly I'm not too bothered. If we don't sell I shan't mind; if we do I'll look for somewhere else I like. There's some comfort in that.
She will become very pale with cold hands and feet. her breathing may change. She may actually stop for a few seconds up to a minute then resume with a very deep breath then slowly slow again. This can come and go but usually in the last few days.She will stop eating and drinking, don't force it just keep her mouth moist.Her lips may be blue with a white circle round the mouth. the body uses the blood to keep the vital organs going so the skin may feel cold. She won't have a cold sensation herself You can keep track of her drinking and urinating. doesn't really matter but it keeps the hospice nurse happy and is thought to make the caregiver feel they are doing something. You are knowledgeable and mature enough not to need "busy work" The dog may refuse to leave her side for the last couple of days. the truth is there is actually nothing you can do above and beyond what you are doing. She may also start to have very loose stools or frank diarrhea, don't worry about it just keep her clean. her urine will become very dark and finally stop. the hospice nurse should feel her belly to make sure she does not have retention. The skin could take on a yellowish hue as the liver fails.She may wait till she is alone before she takes her last breath that was her choice. She knows she was loved and valued After she takes her last breath there is no rush take as much time as you want with her before you call hospice. Do not call 911. All of our thought and prayers go with you and mom. by the time you read this it may be all over Blessings and many hugs
It helps me to repeat it , over & over , instead of lashing out at her when I am tired & frustrated. Believe me it feels like it will never end, but then I read the posts of those who are missing their loved ones and know that this too shall pass. It has helped me , so I pass it on as an encouragement to others.
I don't have the people "insight" nor can read between the lines to help me become a good psychologist. I'm way too trusting of people. I would believe whatever they tell me. I may have doubts inside but the majority of me would believe it. Thanks.