This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Red - glad you had a funny moment with your husband. Laughter is the best medicine. Take care of YOU!!!!
Veronica - sorry about the dog peeing on you. lol Take care of YOU!!!
LadeeM - thanks for the comments. Yes, I would ask the daughter to take you off the pedestal. Just tell her that you are afraid of heights. Take care of YOU!!!
Assand - At least it is warming up for you. Change to "you need to do this and you need to do that. Or come right out and tell them that you are feeling like you do everything and that things need to change. Take care of YOU!!!
Nancy - Welcome to the site. Is there a support group you can join so you have a place where you can share. Please come here as often as you can okay. Take care of YOU!!!!!!
Chrissy - I hope you get some rest and relaxation. Take care of YOU!!!
Olmanandme - Sounds like your mother and the dog are bonding. LOL Why is the brother blaming you for your mom's comments. You have made me laugh today. Thank you for that. It is more that okay to OD on chocolate we are all chocoholics especially LadeeM. LOL Take care of YOU!!!!!
ABB - Thanks for the thoughts. Good luck dealing with the bothers. LOL Take care of YOU!!!
Hi all- Today is mom's birthday. She would have been 88 years old. A woman friend of hers had a mass said for her this morning. It was very nice. When the Our father was said mom and I would hold hands during the mass. I missed that today. Her friends are going to pray for the house to be sold. I have never heard of this but someone told me to bury a statue of St. Joseph upside down in a garden supposedly to lead people toward the house. Might as well try it huh! Bother is still getting me angry. He told me to have a garage sale. He will take off a day and come down. ONE DAY!!!! So apparently I will be the one to set up, put prices on things and put an ad in the paper. SO SORRY that is not going to happen. I WILL have the garage sale and pocket the money. A friend will come and help me with it. I'll be damned if he is going to make money on my work anymore. Grrrrr!!! Then he screamed at me for not answering his calls again. He does not leave a message on the machine. I do not have the call coming in thing. Then he leaves a nasty message on my cell phone. "call me now" and have called you all day. If it helps I will bury more than one St. Joseph statue. Anything to get this house sold and get him away from me. take care of you all!!!
Are you actually good with numbers. Becoming an accountant would take a lot of education but maybe tax preparation would be a posibility. you like to cook would that interest you? There are so many openings for a smart youg woman like you. What does your Aunt think. I know she wants you to get off the island but does she have suggestions. Go girl go you can do it. Many hugs
V, your post made my day and put a big smile on my face. I guess I just needed a big, fat dose of positive to nudge me out of these glooms I seem to be stuck in lately.. :) That helped. Your post gave me hope that maybe all isn't...hopeless. I needed that. Badly. *big hugs*
Thanks you guys. I don't know what the hell I'd do without you guys and your wisdom and stories. *squish!*
On a good note, I'm finally getting the flower beds taken care of. The whole yard was a disaster. I won't get into what it cost to make 1.25 acres good. Now, I have to redo the flower beds in front, which are nothing but solid, out of control, overgrown weeds. It's an embarrassment. My yard guy, Mark, is coming tomorrow to start on the beds. The weeds are coming out, and there were some tree-things growing in there, too, which is coming out, new soil is being put in and mulch. The flower beds that don't have boarders are getting one. I found a heavy, solid black boarder for $20 for 60'. It's not fancy, but the black will rock against the flowers. I got all my bulbs, about 200 of them, from amazon and only paid like $135 for all of them. On nursery sites, it was running in the $400+ range. Yikes.
I'm really looking forward to seeing the beds look like they're supposed to for once. I wish my mom could see how nice this whole place looks now. I'm going to hang some bird feeders off the sunroom in the backyard. I have some in the front as well. I bought those feeders for my mom and those were the ones hanging up while she was alive and enjoyed all the birds. I think my mom would approve of the bird feeders in the backyard, too. The more birds that showed up, and sometimes there were a hoard of them, the happier it made her. Bird feeders will forever remind me of my mom.
Have a great...and quiet!...night everyone!
veroinica has some great suggestions..... or you can go private if you want to continue doing what you love... I am private... have done all the things you have done and under NO circumstances will I work in a NH.... see too much that doesn't agree with me and have been tagged a 'trouble maker'....
So try to see what you can do on a private level..... put an ad in the paper, usually there are lists at hospitals you can get your name on... many options.... so you don't have to quit doing what you love.... just find another way.... if you opt for private care, come back and we'll talk some more... but just come back anyway..... this is a great place to be and to be heard..... let us know what your plans are.... sending you hugs...
Try not to get too emotionally involved in this and look realistically at the tasks that are left undone. If patient care is neglected, no meds, depends not changed bathroom filty that is a problem.
Leaving a pile of laundry by the washer or dirty dishes in the sink. that's plain annoying but does not harm the patient.
Not bringing their own food or blankets, well that is plain thoughtless or something they expected to be provided. Do you see what I mean sort out the real priorities and tell them about other things that are expected.
Don't quit you love your job and make a great different in your patient's lives. yes you can work in a hospital or nursing home but you will still come across the same sloppy workers.Try and prepare for the weekends on Friday so that your clients don't suffer while you are gone. If someone does not show of course you need to cover for the sake of your patients but you also have to insist on a day off during the week for your own welbeing or if you are short of money requesting overtime pay is appropriate. Post some specific questions on the walls of Ladee M and Ladee C they are both mature and experienced private caregivers and can give you plenty of advice.
I expect Mum is enjoying her respite away from all the commotion at home.
it's hard to let go of the constant readiness that goes with caregiving but try and give yourself some breaks. Maybe take Alice for a walk. She says she enjoys the attention of being your avatar but she gets tired of hearing about peoples relatives. If her sisters give her any problems a quick peck takes care of that and as for that rooster she thinks he is gay. She asks if you saw the ad in the paper. 'Twenty heifers for sale. Never been bred. Plus one gay bull"
Anyway Alice says she does not mind a change of scenery but if you sell her with the house make sure the new owners are vegans.
In my late 50s it was necessary for me to re enter the work force or at least get a job that could provide a living wage.
I am and was a RN but trained in the UK and had not worked in the field for about 40 years. UK qualifications in the medical field are not recognised in this country so you can't just go out and apply for a job. You need to prove your education and then take the NCLEX. has anyone considered retaking their original qualifying exams almost 50 years after the original even?. On top of that I had always been led to believe that I was not very smart. This played havoc with my self esteem. So having no expectation of sucess I set about refreshing my knowledge and preparing for the exam. It was very depressing and all the practice tests I took only got a grade of 60 or less far too low to pass the exam.
The NCLEX is now computerized and given individually at a commercial learning center. I knew that the exam consisted of at least 75 questions and up to over 200.
On the day of the test the computer asked me politely to gather my belongings and check out after only 80 questions. With my spirits in my boots I left, there was no way 80 questions could satisfy the examiners. i waited for the ominous letter to arrive in the mail. Also each day I checked the licence verification site on the State licence board. On day five there was my name. I was once again a RN. Thats all well and good but who is going to hire an almost 60 something who has not worked in the fied for 35 years. Well my first interview got me a part time job which soon became full time and for the next ten years I was productively employed.
SA you can do it if you want it enough. Worst case scenario I would have gone back to school in a related field. The one that comes to mind is phlebotomy. It is only a 45 hour course but after that there are plenty of opportunities out there.
The moral of my story is that there is no such thing as failure and boy does scucess build your self confidence
The nerve of Dylan to say such a thing. This attitude has become a major problem in this economy! The young folk think they know it all, that there is no place for us 50 somethings in the workforce any longer. And if I remember you are still a 40 something. Check in with the unemployment offices in your area, here they have many workshops and hiring events. Have you thoughtfully you might be dealing with PTSD? If so, there is help for that as well.
Sending you lots of big hugs. Do no listen to derogatory comments especially from your sons! You will figure it out when you are ready.
Yeah, that's what I tell myself, over and over again...that whatever it takes, I'll overcome these d**n fears and make life happen. Come h*** or high water. But having all these fears lurking around in the back of my mind to begin with is no joy ride. Sometimes it's a royal b***h to banish them.
CM, yeah. I feel you totally. I could never completely relax when my mom was in the NH, or before that, in rehab or respite. When I did sleep, I did sleep deeper, knowing my mom was as well as could be expected and there were no big emergencies atm. But the rest of the time worries about her were always there in the back of my mind. That was frustrating as h***. Here I had time off and I'm spending it on the phone talking about my mom, or worried about me not being around and knowing what's up with my own two eyes, 24/7.... Time off was bitter sweet, but I'd have taken any kind of break, and kind of rest at that point, and guilt be d**ned. Honestly, I did enjoy being able to just relax in bed, knowing I wasn't going to have to leap up every 5 minutes, or deal with yet another minor crisis with my mom....
Enjoy that much of it totally, CM. Wallow in the time you have while you have it. Take a LOOOOONG, hot shower. Do a spa treatment. Ahhhh, so soothing and comforting... Scent is so important, at least to me... .Fresh bread... Fresh cut grass... fresh air... All kinds of scents... I love things that smell good, all things that smell good. A long, hot shower, or even a long, cool one in the summer, with some great smelling citrus body wash for energy, followed by a slathering of some kind of rich, scented body lotion, followed by a misting of body spray, followed by a spritz or two of your favorite perfume and....yeah, baby!
I love oriental lily's planted a few feet off the front porch. The scent of a few of them is heaven. The smell is so strong that some people only like it from a distance. lol
Enjoy what you enjoy while you can. Even if you're tired. At least try and get a really good, long nap in. :) Even that much delicious luxury can go a long, long way to helping you feel better and stronger.
Thanks, CM, I'm glad I'm not alone in some of my fears. It is serious, it's very real. This is something people will find themselves wresting with when the care giver role is finished, at least in some circumstances. I damn sure didn't care for my mom expecting lifetime security. I knew better. Now I'm having to deal with how to...deal with that. lol
How do you explain such an incredibly complicated situation to potential employers when they ask about your job history the last 10 years... ? And, how do you explain it without it taking a year or three... . What's the right and wrong way to handle that? H***, I don't know and that's part of the problem. :/
Ugh.
I am going to the beach soon. I've been thinking about it for awhile now. Myrtle Beach is only a couple hours from here. I need to truly relax, sit and listen to waves and gulls and get a freaking grip.
Have a cup of hot tea, too, CM, if you're a hot tea drinker. That's what I'm about to do. It helps me relax. My favorite is peppermint and honey. Yum!
Something chocolate may be in order as well...
My sister is far too busy with her 'family'. She used Mom as free babysitting until Mom moved in with me then quit her job to stay home with her daughter (she has two that are in college already). So now she isn't working, but still doesn't have time to even call Mom, who spent most of her time taking care of her house and running HER errands.
So just having siblings doesnt' protect you...but then neither does having a spouse. Truth is we all just have to take care of ourselves. I have been a loner my entire life and I really am ok by myself. You have to find something to occupy your time, and your mind. Force yourself to step out and interact with others, it really is rewarding.
and regardless of what you feel right now, you do have strengths. You just need time to find your feet.
I've rung the respite home and spoken to the Lovely Libby. She hadn't seen mother yet this morning, but you know what? That she just plainly said she hadn't is one of the things I like about this place - I've got no fear that someone's going to save time by trotting out 'oh yes, she's fine, had a lovely breakfast and she's just about to join the macramé class' without there being a word of truth in it.
So when I calm down a bit I will have a shower (without the alarm going off as soon as the shampoo touches my hair and not a second before), eat lunch without the alarm going off, get out to the garden without the alarm going off and possibly even think about leaving the house. Not quite the grand plan I had, but it's early days.
Failing that, I wonder if you could find an authoritative book on dementia to give to your sister to help her understand what her interventions are DOING to her mother. Something underlining the need for continuity and consistency to help sufferers achieve a comparatively fear-free quality of life. Why not have a look at the Alz. Soc. website and see if they have any recommended reading to make pestilential meddlers sit down and behave themselves?
And, crucially, you now and me soon, we're free. God bless you, you'll be fine xxx
It's a rough time. I have demons visiting me at the moment. (Lawd, if my neighbor Rhonda saw that she'd call in an exorcist.)
If anyone here, especially anyone whose relationship with their parent(s)wasn't the stuff that perfect, family sitcoms are made of, thinks that the issues, pain, anger, etc, etc, etc, is over when the parent dies, think again.
In some ways, h*** is just beginning. Yes indeed. I've lived in dread of this day as far back as I can remember. Not my mom's death, but what her death represents. So many demons, sleeping for so long. Well, now they're all awake.
Not having family, none except my mom, has always scared the s**t out of me. Being completely alone in this world has always been a huge fear with me. And now I am completely alone. Well, hello reality!
There's only me. There's only me, who's been living under a rock for over a decade. There's only one poor, tired, worn out nobody, with no major education, no real skills, no contacts, no brothers or sisters to call and talk to, no support system to speak of, trying to keep that mega load of anxiety, fear and worry from sending me gibbering into a corner. It's taking every single iota of willpower I have not to completely collapse under the weight of all of this hideous stress.
The bottom line. I don't have all the freaking answers. I don't know what to do half the time. I feel completely overwhelmed and unable to deal well with anything. I know I'm on a downward spiral, one that's becoming a tad scary, and I know I've got to get a grip on fear, anxiety, worry, stress, doubt, all of that. I've got to grab it all, wrestle with it and control it or it will consume me and I will be a gibbering, blubbering ball in a corner, unable to face reality.
The streets. Omg, the streets. They haunt me. They scare the piss out of me. And I'm scared to death I'll end up there. If I can't find a way to get out there in that scary as hell world and make it...LIFE... happen, I'll lose every single thing I've got. I've got to be good enough, and more than good enough, after a lifetime of listening to someone tell me, again and again and again, that I just...wasn't...to get out there and become successful. Part of me believed my mom. Part of me didn't. I guess I'm about to find out which part of me is stronger and wins. When I was a lot younger I knew success was possible. I did well at my job, was looking to climb the ladder. Now, I just don't know. I'm so much older. I haven't been in the loop in so long. On top of that, Dylan has said several times in the past that I probably wouldn't manage out there in the world because I was too old. Great. I feel lost half the time, paralyzed and unable to make decisions. I feel a lot of fear for so many reasons that keeps me up at night. Fear of the streets is top of the list. I'm dealing with stress and anxiety that's almost sickening in intensity. I can't eat sometimes because my throat feels constricted. There's just so much tension. I have so many emotions and thoughts that are conflicting and driving me nuts. I don't expect anyone to really get that...or maybe you do...
Anyway, yeah. Beautiful.
It's supposed to be nice and sunny today. Yesterday, it rained all day. I'm looking forward to temps in the 70's all this week and no more rain for a little while, and best of all, the heater won't run all week!
I wish everyone a smooth, quiet day..
Honestly! They breeze in, set the cat among the pigeons, and breeze out again with some kind of grim satisfaction about the trouble they've caused and no further thought for it. They're a disgrace.
Give it time, with as much peace and calm as you can manage, so that your mother has a chance to settle down. It's very hurtful that you're trying so hard to look after her and she's saying she wants to leave, I know; but somewhere in that she wants your wellbeing too, which is a vestige of her caring about you as her daughter. Big hug.
Now they are gone and I am left to deal with paranoia and grief. She has been asking repeatedly who's here, where are we going to sleep, saying she wants to go home.
Today the sewer backed up in the house, she was VERY upset about it even though I did all the work to clean it up (she is upset that she couldn't help me...but what can she do? Only one person can mop at a time)
so tonight, although she doesn't know where her 'babies' are, she wants to go 'home' And when I said "you are home!" she told me she doesnt' understand why she can't live where she wants to. I told her she could decide for herself. THen she went to bed.
just a few minutes ago, she came in here and told me that she's going to go find somewhere else to live because she is unhappy living here. "I'm unhappy, you're unhappy"...
so there's the FINAL rejection, the coup de grace, if she has to choose between living with ME and living with strangers, she prefers the strangers.
I told her that I didn't want her to leave here to live with strangers, then she said she's not going to leave. I don't understand what she's thinking/doing/planning/wanting...I don't want her to be unhappy. I sure don't want to hold her prisoner.
All of this is because of those horrible people from out of town. Yes we had problems before but now it just seems soooo much worse. Like she's taken a huge giant step down the road. I am so upset and tired and angry with them. I want to strike out.
But as I have said, my attitude on this job is very different than all my past jobs.... I make a suggestion, in this case, and then drop it.... she has a tad of the 'martyr' thing going on.... so, far be it from me to let someone know that there is help out there..... it's up to her.... and I tune her out when she is bitching.... I nod at all the right places and uh huh at all the right places.... but you know... you can lead a horse to water........
So tonight when L is slicing into my head with sharp words.... I think I'll just call D and tell her, 'hmmm, she's doing it again'........ LOL....
I will just do as LadeeC suggested, next time she 'defends' me.... I will simply tell her I will disappoint her with all the expectations she has put on me... to let this unfold as it will...
I am still in my 'learning curve' with L.... but am becoming reluctant to ask questions as it turns into something else..... and I no longer have the energy or desire to take care of the whole damned family.....I don't even have the energy to talk to the D about this right now.... so hope it all just settles in and I can just go do my damned job....
Don't get me wrong... it is NOTHING like the last one....so I am STILL grateful for that... hopefully it will just settle down....if wishes were horses..... ok, I'm getting ready for work.... love ya'lll..... see ya in the am......