This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
The daughter has always been helpless. In an emergency she has always become hysterical and screams unintelligibly. I attributed this to her youth. I thought that at her age, 58, she should have calmed down and matured. I was wrong. Even after raising two kids, she just goes blank in a crisis. So if they are afraid of us, or they think we are bixxches, that's just fine. Next time I will just do it myself.
On a similar line, my mom was chosen prom queen for her day care. The company decided to hire a PR firm to write a story of mom's life. When the PR firm called they wanted to setup a time to interview my mom. I wondered what the heck this guy did not understand about alzheimers, but could have been a communication problem between corporate and the PR firm, or breakdown within the PR firm itself. It was somebody's job to to communicate that this is a program for those with dementia. Told the director at the center, she was obviously surprised and shaking her head. She will take care of it Monday.
but this is Texas after all, many people go the ER with hats and boots... it might be the cape that would be the deal breaker tho.... lol
So, I'm starting a new week tonigt... I'll see what else I can come up with to bitch about since this job is so different.... just think I am having knee jerk reacitons... don't trust the situation yet..... love to you all, going to get some sleep....
I wish just once that my family would say "I'm going to" instead of "do you want me to?"
Is it fear or respect? Or am I such a b**ch that they don't want to deal with me?
I think, that dumb a** here has just done everything for them for so long and they know I'm going to say "No I'll do it", but they want it to look like they are trying to help me out..
Ladee M not sure you would silence L and it would certainly give that ER Dr more ammunition especially if you are wearing the Miley disguise the night you brekt that hip.
Chrissy you are describing my right arm too. mine is fused so I only have about 10% motion. You just have to keep using it but make it slow and steady. An elbow replacement is not yet an option they have not yet developed a good product yet. They may be able to give you some help though. I have to do up buttons with my left hand alone which is time consuming and my wardrobe has gradually changed. For example can't do up bra behind my back. You do get creative though. Take things slowly and don;t overuse on repetitive tasks all at one time. Stop before it hurts and come back later which is frustrating for me as i like to see something through. These days I look at a task and then decide to cut the amount in half and finish another day. OA is a very good example of "use it or loose it"
Wonder what Miley will look like at 70?
Oh and by the way change your Dr
Ladee M the ER Dr will probably write an order for rehab in a secure facility
Wanting. Is Mom on any type of diabetic medication? if so ask Dr if they should be stopped or reduced. BS a little high is better that too low.
Chrissy F**k brother, He is not even trying a little bit. When your out do not reply to text unless mom breaks a hip or had a stroke.
Book iguess neice is not too bothered by the smuck as she realizes it's the disease talking. definitely she should tell her boss to keep hubby far way from customers because the words will sip out soon and she is going to be left standing there when the red faced customer runs out the door. Or maybe make a sign and put it on the door." Ignore Mr X his obscenities are part of his dementia" i don't know which would get rid of more customers.
Thanks Suze.....I'm pretty sure that coming from a job of feeling like something stinky on the bottom of someone's shoe, to this... well, ya, I'm skeptical and certainly jaded....but do think I need to make me a cape.... what ya'll think??? and wear my straw cowgirl hat.... and boots.... and capris.... yep... think that would confuse L into silence and the D won't have to say another word to her..
Just come in in a different disguise every night.... ya, I like this idea... feel free to make suggestions.... i'm open minded that way..... lol
Love ya'll and appreciate the comments.... it's almost like working for C has made my PTSD worse... having a hard time getting used to being treated like a human....and I do take it is a compliment.... but I do not have a fragile ego, so after awhile it just sounds like 'fluff'....so, bottom line, I am NEVER happy !!!! LOL.....
Love you all, and know you are all on my gratitude list....and the chocolate overdose... well, it seems to work, as I always send chocolate !!!!.
Chrissy, I honestly don't know why you still go out in public with your mom. I wouldn't chance it. My mom caused a big scene one time and that was the last time. I knew if she was capable of acting like that in public once, she'd do it again, and I had enough hassles without hassling with that embarrassment.
Olma...LMAO! Oh Lawd, that was hilarious! XD You should write for comedians or become one yourself!
As for poor Miley...well, that's all...poor Miley... The girl's definitely got issues.
The funny thing is... my bro just happened to see Miley on tv. And he said that with that tongue, she reminds him of a giraffe. He asked me if I ever saw a giraffe and how their tongue comes out to eat? I nodded. He said that when she sticks her tongue out, all he sees is a giraffe. I laughed. I guess if She perceives that sticking out her tongue makes her look sexy or seductive, then "beauty in the eyes of the beholder."
Before bro left this morning, we hugged (very loosely). He patted my arm and said, "You're doing a good job." Yeah... just wish that my sibs show their appreciation by pitching in money wise so that I can hire a caregiver atleast for one weekend a month so that I can do a weekend stayover with sis.
Just found out yesterday from my niece that my dad, her grandfather, has been calling her rude names. She apologized to me that she had lost her temper and wanted to walk out. But, she needed the money (her mom is paying her to babysit). Now her boss's husband seems to be on the same stage of senility as her grandpa. Can you believe that BOTH of them say her name wrong as in Debbie. She's so used to my dad calling her Debbie, that when her boss' hubby calls her that, she automatically responds. Like my father, they both sometimes stare at her and can't remember her name. Except my father has beat him in the foul language. She says that her boss' hubby is now entering it. She wonders how long before he's no longer allowed in the shop because he might say something rude to the customers.
Father's favorite words now are *f***er". sigh.... Maybe if I hear it often enough, it would no longer bother me. I'm back to stealing his nutrient drink, swapping it with an inferior brand, and I better return it or I will go to jail.....
I caught mom feeding her lunch to my dog again....with a spoon (soup) and off the plate (sandwich). Tonight he refused to eat from his bowl. I did not offer to feed him from my plate.Now both mother and dog are ignoring me.
Mom told my brother's wife she looked "older than dirt".Wife had plastic surgery, cost my brother a fortune.He is no longer talking to me.It's all my fault.
Mom's birthday....florist delivered flowers, I answered the door.and he sang a little ditty about the joys of turning 94.
Mom never heard it.He sang it to me with a smile and added his best wishes.
Didn't realize I looked that bad.
Took mom shopping with me.Put her in one of those motorized carriages.
The boy stocking shelves wasn't hurt but....
we can't go there again.
Mom asked me tonight if she inherits the house after my hubby and I die.
I have stopped her watching crime shows as of now.I think she's getting ideas.
An old friend stopped by to see me.Mother told her she has gotten so old and fat she hadn't recognized her.
Think that was the last visit I'll get for awhile.
Neighbor sent brownies over with her husband.He turned his back to talk with hubby and mom grabbed his butt.
He turned and saw me.My mother stood looking frail and innocent.
Don't think we'll get anymore brownies.
Took Mom for check-up.Doc told her how amazingly healthy she is.....absolutely no meds, perfect weight, dementia yes but she's forgotten he said that anyway.
I went for check -up same day.
Doc told me my blood pressure high, I've gained 20 pounds and seemed anxious and depressed.Then asked what was causing my problems.Before I could answer he went on a rant about how lucky I am to still have my mother with me,such a healthy specimen of a mother at that!
His mother is in a nursing home.
Came home and tried death by chocolate overdose but I'm still here fatter but in a happier state of mind.Beats the mood altering pills the doc offered me.
Mother watching crime show again.I think I saw her taking notes.
My mom says some stuff that I know she wouldn't say in her right mind that is 'uncomfortable' in what I would say to people. Human relations are weird. So much dancing around. It gets REALLY weird when dementia plays a part.
Everyone do the Rhumba, or twerking or whatever!! I'm old. I find Miley Cyrus totally disgusting. Saw a pic of the stage where people slide out of a giant face of hers on her tongue.
Don't sweat it. You are especially attuned into people's behavior after your last experience. I don't blame you. That was hurtful.
Know I love you girlie.
My mother comments about being overweight but she doesn't fight about the ice cream....the reason she doesn't lose weight is because her metabolism is so slow..she's in starvation mode. (she's @ 180 right now)
Love and Hugs
tomatoes so I hope she will snack on those. She has low blood sugar. Iam tired and dont know what else to do.
Sending you hugs lady and hoping things have settled down to a mild roar at your house....
Get some rest you'll feel better afterwards.. Hugs.
hugs and chocolate back at ya !!!
Uh, LadeeM .. I'd probably get the furrow too, but, as we both know, her suggestion to mom isn't going to be the saving grace, anyway. So, I'd let it slide. At some point in my career, I got a little acrylic plaque from someone that read "Super Woman" .. it was a joke. I placed it proudly on every desk I had from that point forward and would point to it, when someone comment: "it's a lie I always try to remember ... ... that I'm NOT super woman and won't even try to live up to the reputation." I'd suggest that if you get this feeling again, to take D to the side and say something to the same effect. "please! take me off that pedestal, I'm gonna fall from it, and sorely disappoint you!"
Hugs and chocolates coming your way!
LadeeC
Do yourself the favor of reading through this site, I'd highly recommend this ~entire~ thread. Sometimes it is heartbreaking and at others it's triumphant .. but you'll get a preview of what's to come of narcissism in aging parents, and I fear you're headed down that path. Yes, we feel compelled to care for our parents out of love or they guilt us into it, and nevertheless, it really is about YOU first. Even in the very best of caregiving situations, it's stressful, strenuous, draining and sometimes downright debilitating. You say that you feel like the grown-up and as much as you might not want to hear it, or know it to be true, grown-ups learn about the consequences of their actions. We can help with that. You'll find tons and tons and TONS of support .. but not for actions that contribute to the problems. You'll find that people here get in each others faces a bit .. but it's done with love and understanding from sheer experience. As much as it may seem like the challenge of a lifetime, these are often our most critically important years to ~understand~ what it is that we're doing, so that we have a life during and after the caregiving.
I have many politically incorrect opinions/positions and most are seriously unpopular, so .. if you want a viewpoint from the opposition, drop me a line. I won't interrupt the board with them, lol, except to say that I believe in self healing, disease is really dis-ease and WE are the navigators of our own lives. Now is, believe it or not, YOUR time. For healing, for growing. Welcome.
LadeeC
Need some feedback here..... the strangest thing happened at work the other night...I just find it weird, but maybe I'm past tired... ya'll tell me...
The night before L had had a rough night...and she gets very hateful when she is like this.... refusing help, a major fall risk, so even tho she is grumpy, I still have to be there when she is moving around... with the aid of her walker...but even Mr.M was tired of how hateful she was being.... he raised his voice to her and she calmed down...
Just giving report to the daughter... no big deal, just part of the job.. right?
The next night I go in and the D tells me she had a 'talk' with L about the way she talks to me....so I get a crease between my eyes as she is telling me this...
The D has put way too much importance on me being there and is trying too hard to make it a good experience..... while I appreciate this... L has LBD and Parkinson's...... and is having TIA's.... some of what the grumyness is from.... I get that.... it's my job to know that and not take it personal..... yes , it gets old, but so what ......
It just made me feel very uncomfortable that she would have this talk with her mom..... so as not to 'run me off'..... I am feeling too much pressure here to be 'Super Caregiver'....... yes, I got an excellent reference from the D of a previous family I worked for, and both of the D's are friends....but good grief....
So, am I just overreacting here? I didn't say anything to the D....just found it strange.... but I am keeping in mind, by day 5 I am a tad brain dead....
I know my last job was a nightmare, and maybe this is how good jobs are supposed to go.....so feedback would be appreciated......I don't like feeling this pressure and know in my heart of hearts I will go in and do my best job, like I always do....
Hope I am just tired and making too much of this....
The other main issue as you know is the alcohism that you both share. You are young the age of my own children which would worry me a gret deal.
You can seek treatment through a local 12 step program, Your mother should but probably won't agree. It is a disease that won't go away on it's own. The disease is nothing to be ashamed of the shame comes with allowing it to rule your life. It won't be easy but nothing will change till you do. Are you the one who brings the booze into the house if so you do have some control of the situation.
You describe your mother as an old 77. Does she have any physical issues that limit her activity. you say she can still drive to the hairdresser. could she also go to the grocery store? Could she still manage her financial affairs or is there no money when a big bill becomes due. Is she forgetful and i don'r mean just forgetting where she put her glasses. But constanly repeating the same mistakes like writing the wrong numbers on a check. Memory lapses in older adults are to be expected and can be dismissed as "senior moments" but repeately doing the sme thing is a sign of begining dementia.
As far as the job is concerned, do you actually have a choice? Do you gain anything from the transfer like a promotion?
Mother has no right to input in this she sounds perfectly capable of fixing a simple meal rather than sitting drinking waiting for you to wait on her.
There are clearly lots of issues you need to adress to sort out this situation so tackle them one at a time. Get yourself healthy and begin to set boundaries for your mother. Getting POA would be a good thing to try and get which will give you a lot more control. Aproach this slowly she probably reefuse but if she has not already made a will you could get her to a lawyer and try to do the POA at the same time. She may do it if the lawyer sugests it. Come back and tell us more, you are the only one who can change your situation. Sending you strength and Blessings.