This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Have you considered putting MILs miserable pooch in a crate at night? maybe someone would lend you one preferably a nice big one so he is comfortable (not that he deserves it) Would he bark all night if he was confined? Could you put him in doggy diapers? Sorry Red I am just full of ideas for saving this miserable dogs life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another thought does he have diabetes? or kidney failure? Does he drink an excessive amount? I"ll stop now before you climb through my computer and hit me.
I still have several really lovely blankets my mom made. A few sweaters she made. Baby clothes she made for me when I was a baby. I will always highly value these hand made treasures, but it's painful to look at them too, right now. I have quite a few of my mom's things, but it's the handmade items that are the most painful to look at right now. I hope it won't always be that way.
I found a picture of my mom yesterday, one I knew would be a favorite the second I snapped it. It's my mom in her favorite chair, sitting there relaxed, holding her little dog, Reba on her lap...The sun is coming in the window and it's a very peaceful picture. I was thrilled I found it again, and sad as h***, too.
Have an awesome day everyone.. I hope it's warmer where you're at!
The real thing that makes me so upset is how when it's in their favor she is in her'right' mind but in the next breathe they tell me to put her in nursing home 'for both your sakes', like I am not taking care of her.
Veronica, when they had the tsunami in Japan, I watched the videos of it. I tell you this much, if that tsunami had hit here, most of our island would be covered by the water. When this tsunami had hit Japan, our island went on a tsunami warning. Our office (me and my 2 bosses) is located at the beach road where all the tourist hotels are. We only found out about the tsunami warning like 530pm. When I got out, our 3 story building with very high end boutiques, - the parking lot was practically empty! I was sooo pissed off that the building management (same 3rd floor as us) did NOT warn All their rentees. As I drove down the beach road, I saw NO LOCAL people. All I saw was the Japanese tourists who did NOT know that their island was hit by a tsunami. NONE of the tourist buses stopped at the pick-up sites – which the tourists were waiting. I think I rolled down my window and tried to warn some tourists but they didn’t understand English. I was so upset that none of the hotels sent their people out to warn the tourists.
Wantingtime, it sounds like your mom does see the reality of why people come for visits. It could be that she no longer knows how to say NO. My father is like that. If you came to the house, and said you need this or that, he feels obligated to give you what he can – even if it doesn’t belong to him (like my sister’s generator!) With your mom’s comments, she’s telling you in a round about way what’s going on. I’m so glad that you did what you did…. Can you believe that my car Did have problem with the engine mounts? I had that replaced. I asked for the parts, and they gave it to me, showing me where it was broken. That was years ago. My car is only 6 years old.
Hugs & xxx's. This too shall pass.
One of the ugliest incidences surrounding my grandmother's wake occurred when my sis-in-law decided she was taking some of my grandmother's family pictures then and there, that day, the day of the wake… held at my grandmother's house… where I was/am living, slaving, cleaning, not sleeping, up all night - literally - before day of funeral and wake so I can prepare the food, set out the pictures as tributes and in memory of my grandmother so family can view… and my sil declares she is taking some. I firmly and without anger, took the pictures out of her hand, returned them to their box, and said "Not today, you're not, I'm happy to make copies for you." She threw a tantrum, grabbed me by my face and yelled at me. I didn't return fire at all, I was just confused why my normally sane and decent sil was acting like this. Later, my bro sees she is upset in bathroom and asks her why… she says, I quote, "Oh, your sister!" She KNOWS me and bro have history of quarreling, so she KNOWS he will now "handle me" for her. He cornered me in a side room, totally blindsides me, physically restraining me by grabbing my arms and hissing at me an inch from my face, and verbally just berating me in the most vicious voice about what a piece of poop I am. I tried to get out of the room by just pushing him aside. He wouldn't let me. At that point, my emotions are so on edge, I'm crying and its escalating into hysterics because he won't let me go, and it becomes a scene-making incident in front of all my family that I now never get to forget… and its attached to the tender feelings I have about my grandmother dying. I mentioned I was up all night preparing food, etc, for wake, but I had been up for WEEKS, bottle-feeding her, giving her round the clock meds she needed… And this is what some of my family members do to me on day of funeral. Yeah. They can just be so wicked.
I suppose I didn't need to regurgitate this terrible experience on here, but I wanted you to Know, Really Know - that you didn't do a thing in the wrong. That its hard when we're already in sensitive place, caring for our loved one, and some "family" person comes in and acts like an enemy… its so hard to know how to handle it. Whether or not your aunt ever wakes up and realizes what a wicked witch she was to do that is not your concern. To this day, my brother's "version" of what happened that day was that I assaulted him… I told him a kidnap victim can't be accused of assault… sigh…
Love to you, and to all of you… Getting old may not be for sissies, but Caregiving sure isn't, either. (((((hugs)))))
If you guys need a good laugh, get on YouTube and look up 'Lip sync battle with Joseph Gordon Levitt, Stephen Merchant and Jimmy Fallon' and also, 'Lip sync battle with Paul Rudd and Jimmy Fallon'. It's hilarious! I laughed tears. :)
Have a good night, ya'll!
A couple of weekends ago, we went to see an aunt that lives near us, she got very panicky about how far it was.
It may not be perfect but for right now, it's working for her and for me
The old dog might just be becoming incontinent and unable to ask for out quickly enough so pee pads may be the answer. Good luck!
bookluvr...sounds like your engine mounts might have broken..have they looked at that? Finding a honest mechanic is hard, use recommendations from friends and if you find one do whatever you need to keep him!
This morning has been a little rough...my aunts called last night and asked my mother to go with them to visit another relative she hasn't seen in a long time. Last night she said yes, this morning she's crying and saying she won't go and (referring to her sisters) "they'll never come here again".
I wish I had a decent family but reality is, I don't. I feel so sorry for my mother to be treated like that. Yesterday, she did speak a bit of her true feelings to them..she is VERY closed about her feelings but she said "Everyone that comes in here just wants stuff from me".
Her embroidery gives her so much joy and she LOVES to show it off to people. She was more animated and happy when she was showing my aunt her stuff the other day and all my aunt was thinking about was stealing it.
country!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I"ll take snow over that thank you.
SA it is sunny here too but I probably wont put my big toe out the door!!!!!!!
Wanting you are awesome. The she devils are gone. There are plenty of backbones around if you just look in the right place.
Vultures are everywhere so everyone be prepared before they swoop they will try any tactics to get what they "want" or percieve as "theirs"
There was not a problem with my mother or our in laws. I am an only child and hubby's brother offered him anything he wanted of his fathers. In fact on their 60th wedding anniversary MIL gave each of the female family members a significant piece of her jewely. I think she only kept her wedding ring. She was at the begining of her memory loss journey but FIL would never have allowed her to do it if he had not felt it was right - his memory never failed although his body did.
Your sister speaks in blissful ignorance of what your mother's condition really is. The worst you may wish for her - to quote Mr Bumble - is that her "eyes may be opened by experience, Sir - by experience!"
I find it very hard not to punch such people full in the face. So far I haven't, but I hope you don't find it as difficult as I do to restrain yourself! I think we should at the very least be allowed to take them warmly by the throat.
During the weekend I had a surprise from our tiny garden. It seems our former paid caregiver planted... eggplant. I was shocked to see a real eggplant and another smaller one dangling from that flimsy plant. I'm not a gardener but I think that plant needs help to stand upright. If I have time, I will look for a stick to tie it around the plant to help it stand. Don't know why I should. If I do, the chicken will see it and go peck it. Darn chickens wake up so early and peck all the mangos on the ground. They just have to try each mango - rendering it useless for us to eat.
But it's sunny! :D
Wanting, I'm glad that it all turned out.
Bro is leaving this Sunday. He's putting the guilt trip that I did not call him that I was off this afternoon so that he can sneak out and we spend our afternoon together. I did think of it but oldest sis is coughing a lot lately. I'm concerned if she's too exhausted, she will end up flat on her back. So, I need to come home and relieve her so that she can rest. Truly, I would much rather spend my afternoon with bro than be here with father.
Mother is very nervous tonight for some reason...she keeps wanting me to 'check the doors' and feeling like someone is coming in and out. I think I actually managed to do the right thing for a change, she has referred to my aunt as a 'smart a**'. I really believed that she didn't want to sell everything to that aunt...she has never got along with her.
Thank all of you who helped me through the last two days...if it werent' for you, I wouldn't ahve had the backbone to stand up. I feel a lot better.