This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Years ago we had a neighbor like that. She had schizophrenia. If your doors weren't locked, she'd walk right into the house. If she had something in her hand when she left, well, Art, her hubs, brought it back later. We just started locking the doors.
We kept an eye out on her and if there seemed to be a problem we'd have to call hubs at work and then he'd come home and deal. I wasn't quite sure how to handle her, but I sensed aggression on our parts probably wouldn't be the greatest idea.
All you really can do is watch sometimes... If someone isn't all there, or in their right mind, well, then, you have to play that by ear as things come up...
Good luck with this.
What I really want to know is how that happened. I'm very curious. I can't imagine anyone just coming into my house and walking out with stuff. Especially someone I really didn't even know that well. I can't imaging BEING the person that just walks into someone's house, someone they've had no dealings with in years, and just feel entitled to their stuff.
Seriously, in that exact same situation here at my own house, all hell would have broken loose. It would have gotten REAL ugly. I can't imagine a situation like that not getting really ugly. I mean...seriously? Those are what I consider 'over the line' type situations. To me, what you're describing is someone utterly disrespecting you and spitting in your face, in your house. That's not acceptable from anyone, under any circumstances.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, bluntly, had some strange woman that I only knew from the distance suddenly, out of nowhere, showed up at my house unannounced, waltzed into my space, and suddenly started loading a shopping cart with not only what I consider my mother's things, and later to be MY things, I would have been in her face if that's what it took to stop her from walking out that door with even one scrap of material from my mother's stuff. Like I said, it would have gotten seriously bad had anyone ever tried that here. I don't get why it didn't get...tense... all things considered..
And as for this:
"thanks for the welcome. I just find myself at the end of my tolerance rope a few too many times. Mom has always been addicted to a drama. If one isn't going on "naturally", she makes them up. She loves pitting one child against the other. she is very happy that way. she seems to enjoy other peoples unhappiness. And when she is the person making everyone miserable she is happy. We try to sleep in on the weekend, she is upstairs banging around when she feels we should be up. when hubby talks to her about trying to be alittle quiet, she will go into her bedroom, shut the door, and sulk. when I ask her what is going on she will say she is being forced to go back to her bedroom. Do all elders make up things such as that? Is that normal for them? this is a new twist to her pity party. Any help?"
You're describing a narcissist.. Expect everything to be an uphill battle and expect lots of little battles if not outright war. It doesn't matter how frustrated you get, how outraged and how angry, your mom has no idea whatsoever what you're on about. How can a narcissist understand your frustration with their lack of respect for boundaries when boundaries don't exist in their minds to begin with?
With a narcissist, everything is a battle with them because they fully expect instant compliance and deference as their due, so it boils down to choosing your battles with them or there will never be a cease fire in your house.
In my own personal situation I simply went along most of the time with what my mom wanted. It was just easier that way for the most part, especially when alz kicked in. Most things aren't really worth fighting over, imo, so I just spent a lot of time gritting my teeth about a lot of piddly, petty crap that my mom got on about, every single damn day...
A right to privacy and a right to respect as another human being are fine examples. If my mom crossed lines that made me feel less than human, it was time to take a deep breath, wade in and....fight. If you want even a crumb of respect from a narcissist, or even a shred of humanity, you'd best be willing and able to go to all out war to get it. When you're dealing with the type of narcissistic personality like my mom's was, you will not have respect, privacy, or a moment's peace, unless you're willing to go to all out war if that what it takes and war takes a whole lot of energy. At least, it did for me.
You can't reason with a narcissist. You can't sit them down and explain, all nice and polite, exactly why crossing personal boundary lines, with you or anyone, isn't a great idea if you want to get along with the rest of humanity. You can't tell them that and expect them to actually get it. They won't understand a thing you're saying. You might as well be speaking gibberish. Actually, it's not that they don't get what you're saying, they certainly do understand plain English, it's that they don't WANT to get what you're saying. They tend to get angry and defensive if you try and explain why walking into your bedroom unannounced isn't the smartest...or most polite and right...thing to do. A narcissist doesn't give a damn about what's a smart move or not and what's right or not. They just want what they want. And they don't care what you call it. They don't want to hear that their behavior is wrong. They'll just accuse you of 'attacking' them 'for no reason'. You're going to fight for every inch with some of these types.
So, yeah. Life's a long trek up a mountain with a narcissist in your world. It takes backbone and strength to fight for your life sometimes, and for me that's just what it felt like. I'm weary of it. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore.
I grieve my mom all the time. I grieve for a lot of things and for a lot of reasons. The loss of constant chaos and drama and having to deal with a constant ooze of negativity isn't one of them.
I don't envy you at all. It's tough dealing with these types all the time.
I am FURIOUS today. I had an aunt come in from out of town that has not seen, called or had ANY relationship with my mother for years...she didn't visit, she didn't chat with Mom..she just wanted to go throught her embroidery and 'buy' some stuff. I didn't think much about it at first, but she came rolling out with a stack of pillowcases, quilt tops, etc over twelve inches high...proud as a peacock of herself. She took EVERY LAST flower my mother embroidered...left just a few odds and ends. I said something about 'hey, Mom isn't embroidering anymore, that's all we have, please don't take EVERYTHING" and she sneered "I am not TAKING anything, I am BUYING it!" then gave my mother $20.
I am sick to my stomach over it. I bet you anything she is going to resell it or dump it in a box somewhere that will be sold at a garage sale when she dies herself!
You know I love you and we've had this conversation before...... people treat us the way we let them..... especially in her case..... she is going to be angry and demanding whether you are there or not..... start large with her.... not baby steps.... make a list of things you WILL do, and on what day..... then to h*** with the rest of it..... as Lav says, TAKE CARE OF YOU !!!!! NO one is going to step in do this for you... this is part of your journey on this mudball..... do something as I know you can...... it's only GUILT..... and it's not even justified...... love you
Like the neighbor. Yes, it is vastly amusing to watch her running up and down the cul de sac, screaming her dog's name in an angry, frustrated voice, demanding it come to her, which of course, it doesn't....back and forth, back and forth, they both running up and down the cul de sac, through yards, etc.... I just watch in amazement. With the right training, that would never happen.
And speaking of animals, our big, fluffy cat, Fuzz, has to go to the vet this morning. I think he's got a UTI. From the research I've done, that's it in a nutshell. I'm very worried. A UTI in a cat can be very serious, or fatal. I think Fuzz is ok. He's been avoiding the litter box, and he peed on the floor this morning. God, I've never been so relieved to see that an animal peed on the floor! Late yesterday afternoon I noticed that he peed and it had blood in it. Since he is able to pee, I'm thinking it's not a full blown emergency, but I'll be happy to get him into the vet this morning. I know he's probably really uncomfortable and I want him to feel better. He's been skulking around and hiding, hissing if we get near him, just grumpy all around. He did come up to me for some snacks last night and he ate them all, so that's another good sign. Poor guy. Well, he'll feel better soon.
I'm sorry you guys are going through all this. At the same time I'm glad you are because hearing your stories made me realize I wasn't alone when I was caring for my mom.
I've always known that when my mom died, I would crash and burn. I've always feared my mom's death because of that. I've had armor on and defenses up, 24/7, around the clock for as long as I can remember. My whole life. I had to. You don't ever relax your guard with a narcissist. Only someone that's dealt with one can ever understand that. I've suppressed a lifetime of anger, rage, frustration and pain. I've swallowed my feelings again and again. When you deal with someone that enjoys degrading you and making you feel as stupid and inferior as possible, armor is an absolute must. I never took mine off. Letting my guard down around my mom would have been committing psychological suicide. She would have destroyed me mentally without all my defenses in place.
Right now, I'm in a dark place. I've always known this day would come and it's a dark, dark day. Having to deal with a lifetime of chaos and sheer exhaustion in dealing with the personality of a narcissist so long, now I'm worn the hell out. It's like I've been gritting my teeth and holding my breath for 48 years, dealing with my mom and her crazy s***.
I realize now why I've feared this day so badly, the time after my mom's death. I knew it would be rough and I knew it would be bad...but this place I'm in mentally sometimes is downright scary.
I'll be really happy when this stint in hell is just a memory and far behind me.
Sometimes he has sezures. Six months ago I had a seizure. So I feel sandwiched in. I am 68 years old.
I thought I was so in touch with sorrow regarding my dad, and how I deal with it in relation to my mom. I can't stand my mom for how she treated him when he was dying, and for many years before that.
She expects me to take care of her every whim, and I have, and I am soooo tired of it. I feel like a pimple, ready to pop. Lovely, not. Couldn't think of a better analogy.
My husband's aunt who is deep into Alz and no one is caring for her called last night. Geez! She told me my FIL is dying of ear cancer and I couldn't tell her differently. Why does all this stuff fall on me! I know I've posted about my hubs' Aunt Betty before. Gah! She has two kids that are in denial. She is a danger to herself and is seriously challenged as to her ADL's.
Maybe that phone call just put me over the top. i did call one of my SIL's to check on Aunt Betty as she is local.
Sometimes it's just too much. I love my mom, but she expects too much from me.
I'm sick and tired of it. I don't want to do this anymore.
Sometimes he has sezures. Six months ago I had a seizure. So I feel sandwiched in. I am 68 years old.
So I feel I have rattled on but I guess that's what happens to a caregivers mind when it gets overwhelmed! Thanks for letting me vent and listening.
God Bless all of you and Prayers go out to everyone!!
Pami, I would try to get her to the Dr....she can be given meds that will help with her depression...if not, then you can only be there to help her and check on her... I would recommend some Ensure or something like that to at least make sure she is getting nutrients..... it is a sad situation.... she is missing her husband and at her age, she probably doesn't want to go on without him.... just do the best you can.... and come back here and get to know everyone....and let us get to know you.
LadyDi.... lol, most of us deal with "grump grammy'.... so you are in the right place....sounds as if you are doing all you can... so just add to things to help YOU take care of yourself..... the negativity will get to me faster than anything, so I do understand....its like this ugly brown dress that we do not want to wear and we look down and have it on..... so , like Pami... come back and pull up a chair.... many great ladies on this thread.... and they will have other suggestions also.....
We even laugh here... !!!! Imagine that !!!! And we talk about caregiving and life in general.... from cold weather to frogs... and dogs, and cats.... you get the picture...
So welcome, both of you... hope we see you again.... hugs, angels,love and chocolate...
Talked to the yard guy today. Just the clean up is going to be $500. Yay. :(
She eats very little,because fears if she eats too much she will get sick.
I a, very tired. What do i do.
Just took the dog for a walk and it felt so good to be outside. It's all of 20 degrees with some snow spitting down. Geez. So sick of this. The tulips I planted last fall are under a four foot snow drift. Maybe see them in May....Ergghhh!
A girlfriend long ago thought it would be a GREAT idea to get a half wolf/shepherd mix. I didn't think so, in her little 900 sq. ft. house with no yard. I tried to say something about possible issues with this but she wasn't hearing it. She got the dog. The dog that shredded her furniture, ripped up and chewed up the base boards, bit one mailman and the UPS delivery guy and was threatened with lawsuits. The animal was going bat shit crazy in such a small space with no outlets. She finally got rid of her, gave her to a man that lived in the country with several acres and two or three other wolf dogs.
The problems people have with their dogs isn't the dog...it's the people and how they raise/handle it, unfortunately. Plus, I have one and a quarter acre here, more than enough space to run and play for a half dozen dogs. I tend to spend a lot of time with my pets, especially the dogs, and take them places with me, too. Playing, training, parks, dog parks, long walks, beach, you name it.
Maybe I'll have the energy for that soon. If I got a big dog now, it wouldn't be the dog's fault if it turned badly, it would be mine.