This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Oh my Judd! How awful to be called a b***h in public. Mine has called me that in private and that was bad enough. ((Hugs)) to you. We know better, so don't let it get to you, please. Easy to say, I know. But you wouldn't be posting here if you didn't care or were a bitch. I hope your mom learns to properly appreciate all you do for her. We can all dream about that, each and every one, can't we?
My brother doesn't get here until August, so my mom has plenty of control freak time to imagine what I need to do over the next four months. It should be 'entertaining'. Maybe I'll sign her up for a nightly Domino's delivery. Hee. The way she eats, she'd have 35 slices of pizza stacked up in the fridge. My bad. Sometimes I just have to get goofy in my imaginings and laugh to deal with reality. It sure beats getting down about things and I know about that and don't want to go there. I thank God I have my dad's positivity for the most part and his sense of humor. There are days though when I just want to crawl into a hole.
And yes. I scare myself when I look in the mirror. These past 3 years have aged me like 10. I think of becoming a runner like my dad. He always looked great. Then I take a nap if possible. :)
as if she has power still over you like when you were 5 years old. UGH! My Mom has a million ways to manipulate me. I hate her for it.
It's so devastating for me. How did God think I could put up with this?
I continue to keep her fridge stocked, and some days I just feel so resentful, but boy howdy did she tick me off today. We took her out for a lunch outing today. She and my hubby were in the front seat and my son and I were in the back. Out of the blue she says, "You better stock me up with canned goods for when you're gone." I said my brother and SIL can bring her meals while we're on vacation. She tells me that, oh no, I couldn't ask that of him. Good thing I was in the back seat and she couldn't see my face. I had steam coming out of my ears!
When my brother finally gets back here it will be 3 1/2 years I've been doing this on my own. He and SIL will be staying at our house with everything available to them while we are gone. I know he would be more than happy to do it. He loves to cook as does SIL. But in her mind THEY will be on vacation while we finally get one, the first since 2009. And I'm the one that needs to see she's 'set-up.' Arrghhh!
When he gets here, we'll spend a couple of days together with mom, then my guys and I are headed....for somewhere not here! He can deal with her wacky demands on his own and I will hear the hallelujah chorus! :)
where I would live, what job I might have, or what could be different. What things do I miss? dancing? walking alone more? going to church? I picture that life. Usually no caregiving is in the picture, of course! I think about the things I still want to see or accomplish before I die. How might I work towards those things today?
It's very hard. I never was depressed in my life, or had suicidal desires before. But sometimes I do feel these things. It's a battle when someone you loved is abusing you and they can't change, and you are helpless to defend yourself without walking away entirely. Which I wish I could do. I often pray, "Lord please take this burden away or help me change myself so I don't feel this horrible pain."
It feels like something awful is creeping into my mind and psyche after I am with my mother. I feel so toxic! I want to be free and be myself again. What can I do every day to feel that?
You must answer those questions and make your own list. My prayers for all of us to be free and transcend our trials.
Husband's idea of solitude is watching tv, I think by the comments here some of us are very special because not everyone knows how to savor solitude, or connect to nature and God by enjoying the silence and beauty of nature, there are nights I even enjoy sleeping alone, it makes feel relaxed and free, how sometimes being surrounded by others even those I love can be so discomforting I don't know but it is, I think God made us this way do we could connect with him and ourselves. Thank you all for reminding me that I too have a right to life and solitude besides catering to my family!
LadeeC, yes. I get that totally. I can *be* sociable, but I'm not that way by nature. According to the experts who dish on humanity and the nature of humanity, my nature must be flawed somehow. I mean, who REALLY wants to be alone, right? It's not that I literally want to be alone 24/7, or can't handle people at all. I don't and I can. But sometimes it feels good to get away from humanity for awhile. And yeah, give me somewhere in the middle of nowhere before you ask me to endure a party. Just thinking about the energy it would take for me to HAVE to socialize and talk continuously makes me tired. I need and require alone time to recharge and I'm so glad people get that.
When I worked, I worked with the public. All day. Every day. I had to talk. I had to answer questions. I had to handle issues. I dealt with listening to complaints. I dealt with bosses. I was good at sales in spite of my anti social nature, but when the day was over I'd go home, turn on the lights to my fishtanks, take a hot shower and just...veg. Ahhhhhh, just me, the tanks and the sounds of water bubbling around me and the occasional white russian with a shot of butter shots butterscotch flavored schnapps thrown in...just me and the dog, chillin' in the quiet. Loved it. Needed it. Craved it. Getting away from humanity felt like getting away from a vast, huge entity that was sucking my blood dry. This sounds awful, but being around people so much felt almost like being poisoned. If I'm around people for too long, if I can't get away from everyone at least for awhile, I literally start feeling sick. When I get away, I feel immediately more energized, not nearly as queasy and a whole lot less tired. The longer I'm around the masses, the more I need and crave solitude. I've never been able to explain this to anyone. In high school, when friends were talking about the latest party someone was having and what they were going to wear, blah, blah, I'd just hide out and make it impossible for them to get hold of me. I got tired of trying to explain that no, parties really didn't thrill me and being looked at like some kind of new spore under the microscope and people always asking if 'I'm ok'.... Yeah, I'm fine, thanks...I'm just really grateful that I've found people that just understand that aspect of me without making me feel like I'm somehow abnormal for something that just feels natural to me. After reading your posts I feel a whole lot better about this quirk of mine, whatever people want to call it.
Thanks so much to you guys and your wisdom. I'm glad folks like you exist. The world's a better place for me and a lot of other people with you guys in it. I really would be nuts without you guys putting certain things into perspective and just getting it.
One word to help your stress: Gelato. That is all. :)
Because my energy level is slowly rising after getting out of the toxic environment I was in.... I went out the other day to go to the store... my neighbor was outside.... soon as she saw me.... she starts telling me about this ongoing feud with another neighbor..... I could feel myself just starting to sink within myself... so I put my hand up.... like STOP.... she finally took a breath, and I said, I am absolutely not interested in this.....when people have no personal boundaries, I really don't think they can be offended.....they just don't get it that their issues are not mine, and that I simply don't care about gossip and all the negativity.....I don't know if she was offended or not.... better for her to be offended than me.....
And when I get the luxury of going on the back roads hunting for rocks and interesting pieces of wood for my art work... I call that 'going to church'..... peace, quite, nature.... fresh air... that's when I can 'listen' to God......and I go alone...
As caregivers, we don't get enough alone time.... so we feel so overwhelmed all the time.... no peace, no quite.... I read on here so many times that we just will put our charges to bed and set in the silence..... silence is a good thing.... that's where we get to reconnect with our self..... and our SELF matters..... so kudos to anyone who can get some ALONE time.... no explanations needed.... this is our life.... we can walk where we want to.... and we don't need anyone's permission......
I hope your mom is doing much better. It is very scary to have to witness some of what your parents go through and what you go through with them. It's hard watching them decline, it's hard seeing some new weakness, it's hard to see them struggle all the time, the whole damn thing is just hard on so many levels. I understand that decline and death are a part of life. What I have a hard time with is the indignity of it. Thank God for care takers like the ones here, that give a damn and try and preserve as much of that dignity as we can. Even if parents don't appreciate what they've got, know that we're all really good guardians and protectors and we do a damn good job and thank God for every single one of us. The world would be even more F'ed up without us. :D lol
Nothing wrong with it at all, you don't have to make excuses. Try to not explain, a simple, "I need some down time!" is enough. No one has a right to your time and energy!
Again, it is so kind of you to respond. THank you.
People, I crave solitude. Quiet. Tranquility. Normally, I get that when I'm completely alone. I can get into my own mind and just...think...already. I can not seem to get anyone to understand that about me. There are times in my life when I'm going to feel a need for complete and utter solitude, with no pressure, no demands, no stress, no worries, no nothing. Just Peace. That kind of behavior on my part is seen as very strange to my neighbor. The way she was talking to me, you'd think I'd grown horns in front of her eyes. She now knows that all is NOT well with me, to put it mildly.
I hated having to explain something so personal, this dark place I'm in sometimes and this need I have to be...away from people. I don't think Rhonda could possibly ever understand any of this.
Rhonda wants, and I suspect, expects, me to go to church most, if not every, Sunday. I can't do it. There are times when I'm too mentally tired for even God, sad to say. Actually, in these times, God carries me. He's there all the way and he gets it. I know this. I'm not sure Rhonda understands it.
I don't have to sit in a church, any church, or do or say or act any specific way. When I'm completely alone, then I can be completely myself with God. I guess what I was trying to tell Rhonda was to not have expectations concerning me as far as church goes. There are times I don't appreciate pressure and this is one of those times. I'm really not good friendship material. I am and can be a good friend, but I like to disappear sometimes, go away, chill out, unwind and just THINK on my own, without any kind of pressure at all to do anything else. I want to listen to the sound of early morning birds. I want to putter around in my new plants. I want to drink a cup of tea doing no more than watching the geese on the lake and listen to their honking....and that's it. That's what I need, what I want, what I crave. It's like now and again my brain needs a freaking vacation.
I guess what I was really trying to tell Rhonda, but trying to be diplomatic, but ending up babbling like a fool instead, was 'leave me alone sometimes'. Not all the time, just sometimes. It's nothing personal. It's nothing anyone did or said. There's no situation. And I seem to feel the need to babble on about it, trying somehow to tell my friend and neighbor that I'm not the best candidate for close friendship....friendship, yes, close friendship, no.
People would probably call this some kind of depression. It's not. When I get the solitude that I require, it recharges my batteries, I LIKE the quiet, I ENJOY the lack of expectations on me by anybody, I LOVE being alone sometimes....and I consider it a very good thing and look forward to it. I'm certainly not depressed thinking about it. I am depressed when I have to try and explain to people that try and get close to me that sometimes there is no getting close to me. Then they think they offended me somehow and I have to get into more and more detail about why it's really NOT personal, but that I'm a weirdo that feels an irresistible call, a longing for, an absolute NEED for ....silence and solitude and that no, I really don't want to do a damn thing with or for anybody. How do you explain to anyone that there will be times you don't answer the phone, but no, nothings wrong. There will be times when you seem to disappear off the planet for all you're seen and heard from, at least for a few days or so...
I'm so babbling...
I like Rhonda's church. It's a good place, people do good things. But for me, it's more like a social club. At least, that's what it feels like. They do a ton of good works, no doubt. They travel all over bringing the Word to people all over the world. They help all kinds of people that are in all kinds of deep trouble. They talk about how much it costs and how much they spend on this and that... The first time I ever went to the church, expecting to hear some revelations about God, the whole taped sermon was about the importance of giving up part of your paycheck to God because it's considered mana and it rightfully belongs to God and keeping or withholding what belongs by right to God isn't a good thing...and so on.... I sat there the whole time feeling like I was being brainwashed. It wasn't a good feeling.
I guess what it boils down to is that even though I don't sense anything evil about Rhonda's church, no major bad vibes, there's just not enough GOD in that church for me. Simple as that. It's like they're gotten so wrapped up in spending money doing good works that they've kind of put God himself on the back burner. That's just me though. But that's what I've come away with every single time. They're a bunch of good people, doing all kinds of good things worldwide, which is great....but how do I tell my Godly neighbor, whose always talking to me about what it means to be a Christian and is pretty much an expert on the matter, that I feel, this nobody, this non expert on Christian matters, that her church is lacking in God himself? I made a mess of it. I didn't know how to tell her what I'm thinking, so I babbled like crazy...just like I'm doing now... I'll go to church with Rhonda now and again, but this isn't the church that I belong to totally and I know this... There's a church in my own mind. I have my own, weird, strange, relationship with God. That's how I like it most of the time. How simple is that? Yet...how the hell do you explain all this to your neighbor? That you want to be friends, yeah, but that you're a weirdo with weird thoughts and you need to be alone with them now and again... If there's anything my neighbors ever need, I'll always be there. But as much as I love them, I don't want them up close and personal all the time. Not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I just hope people that get to know me can accept this aspect of me, but most people don't understand it, and I get that.
Just sounds like a huge contest and free food to get everyone to come.
maybe you should drop a note to Pope Francis and see what he thinks about all this.
Of course Mom died on your watch, that was the way she wanted it. She knew your calming touch and loving ways and those were the last hands she wanted to feel in this life. Why don't you and fav sis and baby bro have your own anniversary for Mom. Visit the grave share memories and leave a simple bunch of her favorite flowers then all go and enjoy an interesting meal somewhere you have never been. It is good to make new traditions when you don't agree with the old.
Just a note on Dad's skin. Are you still keeping him well lubricated? that will make it far easier and less uncomfortable for him. Ask the pharmacist about a good barrier cream.
I'm just so glad that I'm not a Catholic. When mom passed away last year, my aunty (loves to be in the driver's seat), went up to each of my siblings and said, "You and you are going to carry the ????" During mass, there is a couple of people who will carry the candle and something to the priest. Everyone watches them as they slowly walk up to the priest, bow (curtsy?) and then proceed up to the priest. Fave sis hid the whole 12 nights from the aunties. Sis was so angry and stressed over this. She said that mom died and here she is stressing over being ordered to do this when she should be mourning mom. She got so stressed, that several nights in a row, she literally made herself sick. Sis is the type who goes to places, sits down, and will not mingle with people. One other aunty had the nerve to Order me to say the rosary for grandma (not ask but order). I said no. She said yes. I said no. She said yes even more firmly. I was soooo pissed off, I told her that I'm not a Catholic and I'm not saying any rosaries. That was the last time I ever attended grandma's rosary. I never again went to any of my close relatives rosaries. It's very stressful, these rosaries, especially when the relatives want to show off that their own family members can do the rosaries (and no need to hire the expert.)
Windy, thanks. Every year, as Catholics (not me), my family will now do the 9-days rosary (or Mass of Intentions - with regards to mom) until the day she died. March 19th. Every night, my relatives will go to the church to attend that Mass. On the last night, when mom died, after Mass, the immediate family (us) will invite all friends/relatives and put it on the newspaper Obituary section of the date of the last night of Mass and invite them to dinner afterwards. So, dinner is NOT finger food. We will be having rice, fried chicken, different meat like spare ribs, short ribs, potato salad, etc... We will be serving bottled water, Capri Sun (for the children) and sodas - in styrofoam coolers. I never really understood why the family must feed the people. When mom died, the cost of obituary was $1800.00. That's not yet including paying the priest, the coffin, etc.... And on top of that, before the funeral mass, we pay for catering so that we feed the non-family mourners. So, by the end, we have so much expenses of the funeral and the catering. But, it is what it is.
FYI, when my fave sis lost her unborn child (waiting for the baby to drop), on the day of her funeral, her boyfriend's family criticized that we served finger food. So what?! If they want real food, go to a darn restaurant. Anyway, it was their son who shot sis and killed the baby. Who were they to complain that the food was finger food and that the baby's coffin was so plain and we didn't have enough flowers?! It's all on "looking good" in the eyes of people who come to show their respect. The more, the better. We didn't care what other people thought of it. If they didn't like it, then they should have came forward and offered to help pay for the coffin, and the funeral costs or buy the flower bouquets. No offers, then, so be it. Just don't compare and complain. We didn't tell sis that HIS side of the family were making disparaging remarks. Unfortunately, Windy, having a funeral and anniversaries is like a competition of "keeping up with the Jones." That's why father said NO to the rosaries. He said that why should he feed all these people who come to mom's rosary just for the food. (By the way, it is no longer finger food. It has gravitated to solid food that costs money to feed people every night for 9 nights.) So, when mom died, everyone asked me. I said that I'm not a Catholic, so I have no say about the rosaries. But, I do know that father, who is mom's husband, said no rosaries. And that was that. So, instead, they have the Mass of Intentions.