This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
it was a rough one for her last night as well. They had to pump her stomach to relieve the pressure on the intestine. Sometime during the night she pulled it out. So, she got to go through the reinsertion of the tube. She screamed bloody murder with the first one in the ER. She then pulled out the second one as well. At that point they decided to leave it out. And things seem to be moving down there, will try her on solid food tomorrow. I left the room for 15-20 minutes early this afternoon for some air, told nurses I was going out for a bit. During that time mom pulled out her IV and started roaming the halls trying to figure out where she was. Got her back to bed easily enough. Left again to come home for some dinner, to check on her hubby and walk the dog. Again she pulled out the IV and was extremely despondent when I got back with two nurses trying to coax her back to bed. Phew I am freaking exhausted!
Hospital just called to ask me if mom is still DNR, brilliant POA sis was life saving measures administered on one form she filled out today, but on the MOST form, let things happen with comfort measures only. Can anybody believe it?! It is absolutely par for the course around here. I wonder about competency of sis, quite frankly.
Sparky's been in a bit of a narcotic haze for the past couple of days with a Fentanyl 25 mcg patch on his shaved back. No more pain and he can sleep. Yay! Antibiotics were injected into the fat layer to slow release to combat the infection and his face is 'almost' back to normal except for the incision site which we have to drain. It has slowed waaaay down. Can't wait to get the patch off on Monday and get him back to his puppy personality.
I hear fentanyl can be terribly addicting though. He may well be on the corner on Monday trying to score a patch from passing dogs. LOL!
Seriously, thank you friends for all the good words, advice and comfort knowing you are there and it's not all old people all the time. We're multi-faceted individuals with things going on while "at the same time" taking on a huge job.
Bless each and every one of you. I'd steal LadeeM's hugs and chocolate, but I'd rather, er, um, not! Congrats Linda on the raise and time off. You earned it, big time! :)
Is it tradition where you live that family gathers on the anniversary of a loved one's death? I imagine that would be helpful. Just curious as I have not heard of that here. What are the traditions that go along with the gathering such as food served, etc. if you don't mind me being nosy. It's just interesting to me to learn about the world outside my snowbanks. :)
I loved hearing about the lizards. Oh my! I've been to Florida a few times and the chameleons were everywhere outdoors. I can see how a few could make their way indoors. I find them fascinating. Had a few as pets when I was a child. Maybe that started my frog interest. We have tree frogs all over our deck in the summer, yes, even in this climate. Not too mention Homer who lived in our basement plants last winter. Makes me giggle that bro is skeeved out by them. Hee!
I can see why you have an issue with meds. You're exhausted dealing with your dad's obsession with them. That has to make you more than a little ticked off about pills, even ones your doctor has prescribed for you. Please book, I want you to follow your doc's advice and keep that apart from your dad's weirdness on the issue. We need you here and love you and are concerned for you.
About three oclock she came into the kitchen, and just stood there. She was unresponsive to me, and seemed very out of it. She said I'm dizzy..then sat down. I asked her if she would split an orange with me. She didn't respond so I peeled one and gave her a half. She started eating it like an apple instead of seperating into sections like you normally would.
I asked her when she tested her blood sugar last and she said "I don't know"...I got her machine and took her blood sugar for her..she wouldn't even stick her finger, I had to for the first time, she wouldn't even wipe the blood off, she just sat there looking at her hand.
her blood sugar was 46.
I gave her everything I could think of that had sugar in it...COke, Hershey Kisses, some sherbert, she started coming out of it and managed to eat some soup. half an hour later her blood sugar was up to 55, an hour later it was 164.
scary
What if I had not been here? I am going to have to start being really assertive with her...and that's gonna be a fight.
she remembers this but not that, it's completely random...I need to take her car keys, I need to take over her meds but she is going to fight me like a wildcat...
With mom's one year anniversary coming up on Wednesday, I now have to really clean the livingroom (for visitors) and the bathroom. I will do the bathroom today. On Wednesday, I will just do the surface cleaning on the livingroom. It is what it is.
I'm dreading meeting with mom's relatives. It seems I touched their hearts last year when mom died. I felt soooo bad that mom died on my watch. At the morgue, the night mom died, I asked one of my aunty (likes to be in the driver's seat) if she blames me for mom dying. She was shocked that I asked her that question. And she gave me this great big bear hug and told me over and over that it's not my fault that mom finally died - on my watch. I remembered having tears when she said this because I really did think I didn't do my best to keep her alive like when father was her main caregiver.
{{laughing}} baby bro trying to do whatever father wants. Dad getting mad at him because he's not doing it "right." I couldn't help it. I started laughing so hard. I told bro that he needs to follow dad's fingers. He said in frustration that how can he follow it when it keeps shaking! Then I said, "I told you. You have to learn to read his mind!" He sassed me back that he can't read minds. Ah, heck, I really need to stop laughing every time father gets mad at him. Although, it's better him than me! =)
Rule #1 in caregiving is "take care of YOU" You can't mess around with prescription medications, they don't do you any good if you only take them when you remember. they are prescribed so you have a constant level in your blood. Get yourself a med box and fill it up each week and put it somewhere you will see it like beside the coffee pot. Oatmeal is a good start. Make a list for oldest sis for Dad's meds and leave her to it. It's time she did something to earn her keep. I am high risk for stroke and make sure I take my meds. My cardiologist said I must have has rheumatic fever as a child because of the damage to my heart.
I just found out lastnight that sis have been giving him Centrum for dinner. I'm so pissed off. I told her that Centrum is for breakfast. She's suppose to be giving him his Caltrate. She just gives in to everything he wants. And NO, everyone, I will NOT confiscate all these pills and dole it out for OLDEST sis (older by 12 years from me) to give to father. She Knows Better. I have enough stress in my life, my caregiving life, and my work life to now also include HERS. Father says I'm F***king up in my job (taking care of his every whim). My job, my foot!
I told bro my prescription pills I'm taking. He said that's for the heart. I said, yes. I'm a high risk candidate for a heart attack. I know. I'm just ... I just live each day as it comes. I don't look into the future because for me, I see darkness and that always seems to bring on my depressions. So, today is what I live for. I do take my pills when I remember to take it - every other day. But, I have been eating oatmeal to help lower my LDL.
$5,000 a year is only $13.00 and change a day. What you have done is worth much more than that!!!
SA - Sometimesw it would get soo bad I would get in my car and scream. Go DO IT it will make you feel better. I agree with Veronica too. Let them run out of food, TP and the like. They can get it on their own, don't they have money. Also, let Dylan feed the cat. Do not be so hard on yourself about the Dog. My cat was matted in places and I did not have time to take good care of her. I felt soo bad but now she is happy as a kitten, I think she forgave me. Now she is taking advantage of having me by herself. Take of YOU!!!!
Red - I am so glad that you got a good nights sleep. Take care of YOU!!
Kizna - I am sorry that your Mom is being hard on the decisions. Mom was like this. I think it is because she was trying to hang on to any control she could get. My mom did that and now I have to share with my brother the money I am getting for the house, her bank accounts and anything else he can get his hands on. Whatever you have to do DO IT! take care of YOU!!!
Assand - Good for you. Enjoy!!! Take care of YOU!!!
Hi everyone - Well, I have been working my you know what again. I have been sooo upset about how things are here. Bro and I are now equal partners in my mom's estate. BOOOOO!!!!! He was supposed to give me all the money in my moms checking account. Well, there was more in there than we thought. So he took half of that. I have to use that money to pay bills. He is going to take anything he can get his hands on. My mom should have made me executer for her estate so now I have to put up with him. I had to quit working to take care of her and now look at me. I am selling things out of the house like china and things like that. I am pocketing the money and not letting him have anyting. If he has a problem with this he can sue me. I get mad at mom and cuss her out every now and then. I am also thinking that maybe I should charge the estate for my caring for Mom. What do you think about $5000.00 for three years. I think I will. I have been doing work outside and inside getting the house ready for a realtor open house. Please wish me luck.
Have tried four different times to post and get bumped... so hope it works this time.....
I thought I did post this week.... hmmm, dreaming or not enough sleep... lol
L can be a hoot sometimes.... some of the things she says makes me laugh out loud... except for this..... I was putting analgesic rub on her knees before bed.... she looks over at her husband and says, " she is a really good rubber, be careful about what YOU need rubbed"...... I almost died!!!! and not died laughing.... I stuttered and stammered and said something stupid like, not part of my job description.... flash backs to C and her evilness !!! Still a little jumpy about comments like that.... lol
I am still getting used to the hours.... but have two days off, in a row folks.... woot woot.... best thing to ever happen to me was to be accused of something vile to make me leave my last job....
But nothing is perfect... the day time coworker, well, I call her the Caregiver Nazi.....in her mind she is VERY IMPORTANT... so have listened to all her ramblings about her education.... this was the topper.... told me she has a Masters degree in Psychology... hmmmm, I didn't say anything, but was thinking, and you are working for these wages???? I do not volunteer anything about myself... to her or the family.... if they ask questions, the family anyway, I answer... to her.... well, lets say 'mumble , doubletalk and avoidance' works with her.....
Seems she is wanting my night shift.... not going to happen... and if the oldest daughter knew how much bitching she does about days, she would fire her in a heartbeat.... but I stay out of it....none of my business....I want to tell her what a REAL caregiver does on the day shift..... she makes me tired....
We keep a log... so all night time activity is in there... I give her the short version and then leave.... she wants to talk..... uhhhh, no, 12 hours here is enough thank you... I don't say any of that to her.... seems she will call oldest daughter about anything that is said....so, the fly in the ointment... no problem... I just worked for the family from hell, she can't hold a candle to that chaos.... so I just leave.....
I'm lovin' my new attitude about so many things at this job.... who would have thought I would ever add C to my gratitude list....by teaching me all the things I WILL NOT DO OR PUT UP WITH AGAIN.......
Going to do some yard work today.... hope the sun comes out.... need some serious 'outside' time..... sending all of you hugs...... will check back in later...
Wanting, There is nothing awful about praying for peace for your loved one. I am not sure that everyone is prepared for childbirth. I think we are blessed with memory erasure when we enjpy our newborn. Makes it all worthwhile.
SA what I think you are describing is PTSD. For years after I retiredI I jumped ten feet everytime the phone rang. That old fear about being faced with an unknown situation rose quickly to the fore. Like everything else time has healed.
Wanting, I'd say your feelings are perfectly normal. Watching someone decline on the slow ride to hell that is Alz and dementia isn't for the faint of heart. Just thinking about what my mom went through and what I went through with her, watching it all up close and personal , makes my blood pressure rise even now. Nothing and no one can prepare you for Alz or dementia. Absolutely nothing.
And Glad, I'm so sorry! I hope your mom will be well, and feeling much better very soon. I'm sure that had to be uncomfortable as hell for her. Here's hoping that the issue is resolved quickly and your mom is back to normal very soon! *hugs* I know you'll be relieved.
Take care of YOU everyone...
His female friend told baby bro that we need to do this more - inviting me with them. I would like that. Free food. =) sigh... baby bro has eaten in more restaurants that I have never gone to. I would have loved to tag along and try the different restaurants. {envy}
As for father, when I got up from my nap, I saw that he had his nutrient drink but there were no pills. So I asked him why he was drinking his nutrient and it's not yet dinnertime, 530pm. He told me in a very soft lost voice, with this lost look in his eyes, "I don't know what to do. I can't remember what to do." He was holding his nutrient drink and looked so lost. I felt so bad for him. He knows that he usually takes something (herbal supplements) with that nutrient drink but can't remember what.
Similar problem here tonight. Had to take mom to ER, turned out she has a bowel obstruction. For 50-60 years she has had chronic diarrhea. What a change :-O She was admitted and they, right now at least, don't think will require surgery.
Am I awful to pray that she goes before her mind leaves her? Although that idea makes my stomach clinch up. Why is this so hard? It's NATURAL that parents die before us...you would think nature would prepare us for it like it does for childbirth..
I just don't know what to do to help her. Or what to expect...I guess part of this is that I worry that I should be DOING something...and I have no idea what to do.
Day one.
-Mami, I'm home
-Maricusa, que linda! (That's mom)
-How was your day at daycare with the Viejitos mom?
-Good but I need to tell you something, I haven't gone to the bathroom.
-ok mom! I'll give you something with your pills tonight.
-ok.
Day 1.
When I call daycare:
Hi there, has my mom gone to the bathroom?
-no, not yet, we gave her some prune juice.
- thanks, I gave her the meds the doctor prescribed for her constipation.
Day 2
When I pick mom from daycare.
-Hi mom
- hiiiiii, you know I can't go to the bathroom. You need to give me something.
-ok mom. We'll repeat the dosage tonight and I will give you a suppository.
Day 3.
- yes, I'm calling to know how my mom is and if she has gone to the bathroom.
-no, not yet, we're giving her lots of water, light food and prune juice too.
-great, I'm sure she'll go tonight.
-oh yes, after everything she's being given I'm sure she will (daycare owner)
Day 4:
Call to the doctor, take notes really quick cause I'm at work and I don't think anyone would really be interested in my 86 year old mother and her constipation. The list is long but I can run to the drugstore right after work
Day 5:
Hello, has my mother gone yet?
Oh yes, it took us almost all day, prune juice, some of her constipation med was given to her with warm water and we changed her, her dirty capris are in a small bag for you.
- oh my, what a relief, my mother finally went! Thank you so much, you guys are great.
Picking up my mother from daycare:
-hi mom, how are you?
- fine but I had diarrhea ( worried look in moms eyes)
- no mom, you just went to the bathroom a lot, aren't you happy?
- I had diarrhea (worried look again)
I keep driving wondering what bottle of wine I will have my husband open for me tonight, after all it is Friday night, or isn't it?
Yup, that would be me and the way I feel just about now.
Hope everyone has a nice weekend.
I too have had a long term relationship with dogs but like you always big ones and have the advantage of a daughter who is a Vet.
Can you crush the medication and disolve it in some liquid, just a small amount and draw it up in a syringe(no Needle) and squirt it as far back in his mouth as possible. If you can wrap him tightly in a towel that will give better control. If you have a helper and a sturdy pair of leather gloves one of you can hold the dog's mouth open. How do you feel about giving Sparky an injection? The vet can show you. Get a muzzle so he won't be able to bite you.
He is a small dog how would he react to being held by the scruff of his neck like a mother dog or any other mamel doe a puppy. The usual reaction is for them to go limp, I know it works with the cats then you can quickly slip a needleless syringe into the side of his mouth. Of course have a treat ready. He will probably need the antibiotics for a while so if you can manage it may save some $$$$s at the vet's office. You can change the patch yourself or even learn to give a shot for that too.
None of this is rocket science. I used to give the horses, dogs and cats shots when we had the farm. We also gave them wormer every two months and that came as a paste that you have to put in the back of their mouth or they spit it out again. AND THEY HAVE VERY BIG TEETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not as sharp as Sparky's though. I hope he feels better soon and you can afford to buy food again
It's occurred to me now that I have to treat Reba, well, like I treated my mom. Even though she does act like a puppy at times, she's a really old dog. She's slowing way down and I haven't wanted to see that. I looked away when I should have looked dead on. Big, fat blunder on my part and it never should have happened in the first place. I can forgive myself...eventually...once, but not twice.
And honestly, V, I had that exact same thought myself about my mom.