This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Inside the envelope was a beautiful book of just the things I love to read... letting me know,reminding me, my life and how I see it begins with the way I 'think' about it..... I have studied this stuff for years, and once again, I have let life get in the way of being my authentic self....
And a pile of pics.... Ya'll this Beck person on here...... she is gorgeous... and I mean drop dead beautiful.... but not just on the outside... the gift, the words she wrote in the book to me... well, we are all just blessed to have her in our lives.... and especially me as I got a much needed surprise today... so thank you Beck, from the bottom of this old tired heart... God always sends us what we need when we need it....you are loved and appreciated....
And yes ya'll , she REALLY does wear the weave.... and of course pics of Lily, such a 'lady' that girl is.... so thanks Beck, I have something very soothing to read tonight before sleep takes me to my 'get away place'..... love and gratitude to you my friend....
Being that it's hubby n my 30th wedding anniversary, i went out n bought All new bedding, bcuz our room needs a serious makeover...Im so excited to put it all together, bcuz by the time im done, it's going to take a step stool to climb on this bed!! I've always wanted my bed to look like those beds u see in stores, n now i've got one. I jst have to get the energy to clean the room n get the bed made....I was nervous to tell hubby that i spent $250.00 on all this bedding, but he's such a sweetheart about everything, n he didnt bat an eye at wat i spent. He jst said,"All i want, is to see u happy...u deserve it.."....Isnt that sweet?? We have a Cal King, so everything was so expensive....anyway, this lil project will cheer me up, until the phone rings, n i have to go to the grocery store for mom, for the 3rd time!!!! Well, at least i'll get a good nites sleep....Maybe this bed will be my next profile pic....LOL
Lildeb-I am NOT biting your head off, however, I am puffing away. LOL I am not ready to quit. What I resent most is working every day and then being broke because Mom is so weird about "her" money. My husband works hard too, and what I thought was going to be our time to get a bit ahead in our lives has turned into pinching even more pennies. I think if I pinch hard enough, pennies might fall out of Mom's a**! But today was my payday, and I'm re-evaluating the budget to make this all keep working somehow.
Stormy-I agree with Austin...push for the job. If it absolutely won't happen, be prepared to tell your sis how much you would make at the store vs. as a paid caregiver at the going rate in your area. You time is no less valuable than hers, and you deserve to be compensated either way.
I can't remember who posted about sibs making their own choice - sorry. But it was awesome and I am going to put it into practice with Mom. Enough is enough. He's my Dad and he deserves the best I can give him. If she feels left out, that's not my problem anymore. So thank you to whover posted that.
Dad is getting an antidepressant from the doctor. We will pick it up tomorrow. Please all pray that this works! He was leaking stool while he was out with Mom shopping again today. There has to be a end to this.
Looking forward to a restfull weekend for everyone. Hugs to all.
Riz - just do what you can at your own pace. If you notice on the above posts, that I'm currently resisting therapy. I've been dragging my feet on that. The people can offer advice, but it's up to us whether we follow it, give it a try ..or not.
Hopefully today will be a good day. Stress of taking care of mom has made it hard to sleep at night. I wake up off and on and have to read until I get sleepy again. While I woke up at 3 am and read for a while, I didn't wake up again until almost 8 this morning. All was quiet with mom but now it's time to bath her and start the day...
They're Coming To Take Me Away lyrics
Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees and begged
You not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
You left me anyhow and then
The days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind.
And
They're coming to take me away, Ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho
Hee-hee-haa-haa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those
Nice young men in their clean white coats and
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha! (x 2)
You thought it was a joke
and so you laughed, you laughed,
when I had said that losing you
would make me flip my lid.
Right?
You know you laughed
I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed
and laughed and then you left but
Now you know I'm utterly mad
And..and...and....
They're coming to take me away, Ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho
Hee-hee-haa-haa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those
Nice young men in their clean white coats and
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha!
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha,
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho,
hee hee, haa haa
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket-weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, ha-haaaaa...
I cooked your food, I cleaned your house,
And this is how you pay me back for
All my kind, unselfish, loving deeds,
Hah?
Well you just wait, they'll find you yet
And when they do they'll put you in the ASPCA you mangey mutt!
And
They're coming to take me away, Ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho
Hee-hee-haa-haa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those
Nice young men in their clean white coats and
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha!
They're coming to take me away, Ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket-weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, ha-haaaaaaa...
Ladybard – Any possibility of checking in your area if they have one of those adult day services where your mother can mingle with others and make friends? Then, if they do have one, then you have the very difficult task of getting her to make that FIRST step to go there. Maybe if she likes it, she might want to go all there all the time.
Sharyn, you and those jingle songs! I find myself singing/humming it and at the same time trying NOT to giggle. I love the wordings of that one too! By the way, where did that come from? I vaguely remember it but not WHERE. What it children’s video? I mean all these children’s songs and Mother Goose rhymes are awful when you really think about the wordings.
Beck, we do have our ups and downs. I laughed at some of the things they say to you because my father also says it too! Like the bangs, looking tired, why I’m not wearing a watch or earrings (I love to wear necklaces), my hair looks so dry and …. the worst of all….why don’t I go get bigger breasts!! Well, hope you and Sharyn have fun tomorrow.
For years, I have emailed, text and spoke to my siblings of how hard my life is with the parents. I never gave up. In the end, maybe their conscience got to them? But, now my brothers help financially. My younger sis gives me emotional support and does visit the parents every weekend. But to ask them to help PHYSICALLY? Obviously, I was asking too much for that. So, I’ve settled with whatever the siblings are Willing to Give (AFTER I found this site and learned to Accept it.)
I found this site in June of this year when I was suicidal. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. The people here have given me so many advice. But for now, I will give the one advice that I struggled with – not only with the therapist but also from those here in this site. This is the advice I will now give to you. Please read it carefully, think about it. Don’t worry, I rejected it several times but have come to accept it AS IS.
….. My siblings decide how they want to live their life and their relationship of our parents. I should not resent them that they Chose Not to help the parents. I Chose to care for my parents whether for religious reasons, obligations, etc… My siblings have a RIGHT not to care for them….
Once I accepted this, I was able to move on and find solutions. I no longer get so angry and resentful that the siblings are not helping. Even my sister has noticed that. I can talk about my brother-who-lives-next-door without anger or bitterness. I also think that Jam gave some good advice. Take care!!
When r u going to make my dr appt?....Why cant the dr's help me?......Ur bangs r in ur eyes, or is that the way they're suppose to look?.....U look so tired....why aren't u sleeping?.....U shouldnt wear ur jewelry wen ur out in public...ur going to get robbed!! Why is ur purse so heavy...u need to clean it out! How can u get around in THOSE shoes?....Has ur hair always been THAT dark?.....etc....etc....
It's no wonder why i have a splitting headache tonite!!! I think the safest place for me, at this moment, is under the covers....after all....i must get my beauty sleep to meet with Sharyn 2moro,,,,YAY!!!!! Sharyn, jst do me a favor.....if i look like sh*t, bags under my eyes, weave half on n half off......struttin stilettos with one broken heal, n a wet spot down the front of my jeans bcuz i peed on myself on the drive to the store.....jst smile that beautiful smile of urs n say.."Beck....damn....ur gorgeous".. I look forward to our meeting....i bet ur REALLY excited to meet me , now....huh?....Nite nite sista friends...
Ladee, you r such a wonderful, sweet, n caring woman. I just had to let you. You understanding M n taking the time to explain to her that S will be taking care of when her times comes. Eventhough she is hard of hearing you r able to tell that she was having a good time with the smile on her face n that she ate very good. Oh, did I tell ya that CHOCOLATE is my favorite so eat some for me. I hope you are getting some zzzzzzz been up since 4:30am you may want to eat that chocolate cake AFTER you get some zzzzzzzzzzzz. Take care.
Jam, wish I was their with your son for I would be taking snap-shots of u trying to kill the Super Fly. lol.
Notlike, I'm going to say the nasty thing, all the more reason to try n quit smoking. Are u already biting my head off? I know it has to be hard on you with those two. With your dad losing weight n needing med n dear mom buying bakery stuff just makes no sense. You may have to hint to mom that she needs to help out with the groceries unless you think it will make things worse for you. In that case, go puff away.
Bookworm, I am glad u did say something to him for he may not even realize what he was doing for at least he was more careful n let you know so that you could prepare yourself I guess so that u can hold your breathe from the pain. either way he was more considerate for you.
Cat, Austin, n Sharyn Hope y'all r doing alright n hanging in their too.
Took mnl to the regular dr n she got to see his assistant being she was a lady. She saw a little redness on the rear n told us for her to continue to use the prep-h for a week n if she still has issues that we will make an appointment with a butt-dr specialist. According to her, mnl have her internal hemorroids trying to come back. Let just hope good ole Prep-H will do the cure along with a little prayer.
hey're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
This thought popped up:
...Something wrong is going to happen to me..... I wonder if the family will miss me? Well, it will be too late. They will all learn how much I've been doing here that it affected me. They will find out how much I mean to their lives - but by then, it will be too late. And who's going to let you all know that I'm no longer here?
For the past couple of weeks, the thoughts keeping popping up that there's something wrong - it has to do with my blood/veins/blockage. It's just that this morning, my "thoughts" are just so much stronger. Stroke? Heart Attack? or just Depression (with negative thoughts) trying to sneak in?
I mean, what can I do? Go the doctor and say, I think there's something medically wrong with me. Can you find it? Throw in my personal and work history - doc will say I need to Exercise and De-stress. I was going to skip the quarterly blood work that the doc prescribed - which happens to be this month. I guess I won't be skipping it. I will do it. Who knows? Maybe my subconscious knew of my decision NOT to do the bloodwork and this is it's way of telling me to do it. Gotta go! Time is running...
My problem is that she wants company all the time but she doesn't like people and won't leave the house. So I'm her only contact to the rest of the world. Well, me and the tv-- but often that hurts more than helps. I'm completely losing myself and have never been so stressed out. I spend all day with needy middle schoolers and then rush right home to try to keep mom calm. I'm an only child and therefore the only person who can take on this burden but I'm starting to fantasize about running away. Help!!