This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Soooz-The Joel Olsteen book sounds good. I've listened to some of his sermons on tape. And today I was thinking that I need to start focusing on the good each day, because if I keep waiting for a parent-free, child-free, dog-free house to be happy, I'm going to be a very old woman before that happens.
Astrada-Welcome! Do you ever see those sayings about how special sisters are, and think they were written just for you??? You should - it sounds like you are an awesome, if tired, sister. Please come back and share with us how you are doing.
Burned-I am not going to repeat all that's been said already, though I agree with it. This is my 2 cents: When we share our frustrations, we often do it in a way that helps us find the humor in the situation. I doubt that any of us are laughing at the moment our charges are screaming about bombs in burgers, or wiping poo into art on the walls, or telling us yet again that we aren't good enough. But we are specific, and we learn to laugh at alot of it. You describe your situation the same way every time, without specifics, and then we and you are not able to take it apart and put it in it's place. It's overwhelming to me to read your posts - there is no glimmer of hope in what you say. And not enough information to make me understand why you would stay in a situation where you are upset all the time. Do you need us to tell you that you need to re-think where you are at and work at making the future better? I think we are telling you that. I do not mean to hurt you-this is the only way I can figure out to help.
Book-I can't swim, and I don't own a Moses staff (I have a magic wand, but that's a different story), but I will ask you all to tremble before me as the Worst Driver. Sorry, girlfriend, ALMOST hitting things just aint enough! What did you do an hour after getting your licence? I took Dad's car to the car wash and hit a pole! And that wasn't the only pole I ever hit - they seem to keep jumping out in front of me. Hmm. Oh, and I'm still married to the man who walked out of the church on our wedding day and the first words from his new bride (me) were "By the way, dear,I hit a car this morning." Who let me drive on my wedding day anyway??? And if you think I've gotten better in my wise old age (stop laughing now :) we wheel our patients at work on beds/carts, from their rooms to the procedure room. I've hit the walls so many times, the scrub tech won't let me push the patients by myself, and tells them it's safer if he is helping! The fiend! So you are lucky I don't live on your island or no one would ever walk around with the two us of driving LOL
Ladee-Please give M a birthday hug for me. And stay away from Thang - it's not your party and you can't cry, even if you want too! :) Seriously, any overt meaness to her and she'll make it seem like you are out to get her or turning M against her. Keep your cool. Hugs.
Good night, and better tomorrows.
I just refuse to believe that ur anything less than the beautiful face that greets us all, everyday.....I, on the other hand, do hold a striking resemblance to my profile pic, but i will most certainly stand up wen i meet u.....LOL...im not THAT rude!!!!
If your mom never had any hobbies, I can't think of anything off the top of my head, I'm sure others will....
Tomorrow is M's bday.... one of the girls will be making her home made enchaladas, we'll have cake and coffee for her and some of her friends, and we'll all have dinner together.... sounds like fun , right? well, ya, all except for THANG being there.... ok, ya'll, here's ya'll's chance to give me some pointers on how to behave in a room full of people with THANG ..
Ya'll know my mind is spinning like a top.... but I'm hearing Sharyn in my head saying, 'be nice Ladee'..... ohhhhh allll right then.....
hope ya'll are having a good evening....love and hugs.
Welcome to our new posters.....happy to see you here!
book......since you don't swim and I swim like a rock, I will need help cooking for this group. Target looks at me like I'm nuts...he's a Master Diver....but I've always said my mother tried to drown me when I was small.....I'm sure that's not true, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it! I don't like driving either, but it's a necessary evil and since Target has had all his health issues I have had to take over all the driving.
burned....I am not going to add much to what I said to you earlier and what everyone else has said to you, except for one thing and please bear with me.....you have often spoken of how verbally abusive your husband is to you. You do not have to resort to yelling, screaming, cussing or being abusive yourself, but it's time to tell that husband you will NOT tolerate anymore verbal slamming of you....that you are doing the best you can with what you have to work with. You can do this with a calm voice and it will get you further that blasting him with hateful and hurtful words. There is something frightening about a woman who quietly and calmly states HOW IT IS GOING TO BE. Then start focusing on making a life for yourself and your children. You have come to a crossroad in your life and it's time for some changes.
Today I'm going to get my handy-dandy paintbrush out and get to work. I'm so tired of this.....I know ladee, you told me to stop asking our handyman to do things around here......he is absolutely perfect with woodworking, he custom built all of my kitchen cabinets and they are beautiful, but when it comes to paint he sucks! He patched a small area on my bathroom ceiling but for some odd reason didn't cover the whole spot, so while we were gone he got the paint out to finish painting and instead of ceiling paint he used the BRIGHT WHITE trim paint and now there is a big blinding white spot and I have to paint the entire ceiling! It is so high I'm thinking I will probably have to hire someone else to come do it.....I don't do heights either. But I can paint the trim in my bedroom and start working on Target's "man room".....that's the equivalent of a man cave......:)
Nothing new to report on the col............she's very happy this week with her surroundings....next week she will probably swear she's been incarcerated again!
Love and Hugs and Peace to all of you today and everyday!!
Astarda - I think your comment got lost in the shuffle a bit, aside from Bookworm addressing you (she's amazing, btw). It sounds like you have every right to want to pull your hair out. I don't have much advice for you but I know there are others here who will. They always do. I just wanted to let you know that you've been heard - and hang on!
Cat, Joel Osteen sounds like he's been hanging around my bro.
Burned, I've read your posts since the time I started here. Most of the time, I'm lost on your commenting. You jump all over the place. When I read the others comments to you, I finally figured out what you're saying. Since I'm single with no children, I didn't feel I have any real knowledge to help you with the kids/husband. Plus, what I may advice you to do - well, it will be from a Single Woman's point of view and not a Married person's viewpoint. So, I keep silent.
Hi Astarda - Welcome to this site. So sorry about your sister. And age 57 too... Based on this site and the age of most of the caretaking patient, I feel for you. I was typing more info but my brain just got all fuzzy from tiredness. Have you tried calling around for any "free" programs that your sister can qualify? Like disability? My niece's ex-boyfriend suffered from a stroke in his early 20's. He's about 26 years old now. But he gets a monthly disability check. Any programs out there that might fit your sister's situation? I'm sorry, but it's really getting difficult for me to think. 1030pm here and still need to do mom's trache. Take care!!!
Jam, I may be living in an island surrounded by water, but I also don’t know how to swim. I can float but tend to sink. Too skinny, no body fat to make me buoyant. I sink easily. Cat won’t let me drive. She’s like my family – they all think I’m a terrible driver. Okay, okay, so I had to take the written test several times in 2 years. And okay, I had to take the driver’s ed class twice. Okay, so I was doing a U-turn and forgot to take into account that the truck had a LONG flatbed and I almost rammed into it. But I didn’t! See, I am good driver. Okay, so I almost hit the 2 tourists who were jaywalking instead of using the traffic signal light that was like 20 feet away from me. (Same niece was with me both times. Now she volunteers to drive us!)
Well, if Jam is not going, then I’m not going. I don’t drink or smoke or swim. You guys will be corrupting me. In all seriousness, the one time I was on the waters, I had really bad seasickness. Ain’t ever going on the water again – unless it’s work related. Unless beck’s staff is magical and will help us float?
I wish Burned would read you from the begining, she could learn so much from you, you are a teacher Book, for me also, in regard to my son, I am learning from you how to just keep moving, to feel what I feel, not let it stop me, not let it define me, just feel it and move forward....
So wish you a less tired day, a little lighter heart, and lots and lots of love.... hugs across the miles to you....
I have 2 other sister,s who refuse in anyway to help with her, so I am all she has .
It is a very hard job, her peeing in the floor , or going naked through the house , this is not even getting into her falling , the many accidents she has . I am tired all the time from no sleep as she will get up all hrs of the night. I never go anywhere because I cannot leave her alone at all . Just plain tired of what is ahead of me every day.
I think that’s why I had decided NOT to go anymore to the caregiver monthly meeting. But Kimbee, Notlike, Sharyn, Austin and Ladee – you all persuaded me that THIS is good. I really do appreciate your words. I’ve transferred it to my EMPOWERMENT notes and highlighted it in Yellow for Quick Find. Thanks!! ;)
Here's the thing, you are dysfunctional too. If people are calling CPS on you and the school thinks that you are doing things that hurt your children and the community feels you don't want your kids, well there's a reason for this. It may be that you make mistakes in the way you do things.
I don't think you have ever had a good role model. You do what you know and maybe that is fine for you, but you have children who are learning from you. They are leaning their values and their worth by how you respond to them. They see themselves in your words and actions.
For a long time, I have felt that you don't really love your husband anymore, but you stay in the marriage because it provides some security for you. Not much, but maybe more than you have had in the past. Plus, you don't want to admit that you are in the wrong situation because you feel you will be judged by the family; both yours and his, and that will only reinforce your feelings of judgement.
Burned: You could take a different look at this. You could learn more about yourself and not be so defensive about what you have or have not done correctly. You have the opportunity to find your way, but you can't do that if you are not honest with yourself and with others that want to be supportive of you.
I agree with Ladee, that you should get your children in counseling and make it the goal to form a more loving family. This isn't your fault. You never had a mom who treated you like the precious child that you were. You were an innocent that came into a family that did not know how to cherish you.
As a result you have grown up fighting your way through life. You children need to learn a better way and so do you. You are a young woman and you can do this. If you don't, you will live like this for the rest of your life. I'd be very sad to see that happen to you.
Your husband would probably feel safer being in the care of his family. It does not matter if they do the job the same way you do. You hubby is not happy in your care and you are not happy taking care of him. I think you do all of this for the crumbs of security that come to you as a result.
What would happen if you just let it go and made a decision to get some help and focus on your children. You will be amazed how fast the next 10 years will go by and the 10 after that will go even faster. Where do you want to be 10, 15, 20 years from now? Where do you want your kids to be?
I want to tell you that I have seen women in communities who have pulled themselves out of worse situations than you are in. They cut their losses, lived off the system while they needed to, got their educations and raised their kids. They taught their kids by the example, doing the hard work. And they became leaders and role models for other woman who were struggling.
You have talent and you have a good mind. You don't have to fight the world to be part of it. You just need some help to find your footing and soften your edges and learn how to forgive yourself. That's a big one.
If it means anything, Burned, I forgive you and I want you to overcome what you struggle with.
Look, kiddo, I'm 63 years old. You are just a baby. You have so many years ahead of you. What you chose to do now makes all the difference in where you will be when you are my age. And you will get there faster than you think, so make the days, the months and the years count.
Sending you love and white light. Cattails.
The things I am about to say are not intended to hurt your feelings, they are intented for you to THINK about what is being said.......
This is what I see and feel from your posts... you are overwhelmed, you are a young woman with young children trying to raise them by yourself.... you have few friends, you are isolated, you live in a very small town with few resources.... am I right so far???
But this is also what I hear, half truths, minimizing your inability to leave that husband that apperently is abusive.... not getting your kids some counseling, we don't know how much you are drinking, and how that may play a part in this... and this is from YOUR own words....
You are so burdened you can't see how to get out of this mess, sorry, I'd take my next caregiver check, pack up my kids and take the first bus out of town... you could go to a town with more resources for you and the kids, get an education to have a good job, and I already know what you are going to say about that.... so, if you can get clear about what you need from us, we'll try to help.... my first suggestion is for you to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and use that backbone you talk about all the time.... get involved with our lives , we have problems too, we have financial issues, sick people who do not cooperate, children with issues, you are not unique, and possibly if you started trying to not always see yourself as the victim, you would see we have problems ourself....
If I've made you angry or hurt your feelings, well, you can either think about what has been said here to you tonight, or you can add it to your list of people who are being mean to you... 'shooting you down' to use your words.....
And what is par for the course, you did not even acknowledge what all Beck said to you.... so if it's sympathy you are looking for, well, I'm sure some here have that to give you, just ask... if not, then the rest of us are trying to be 'problem solvers'.... so let us know how we can help... none of us even know what to say to you anymore.... so prayers sent for you and your family...
Sitting under the stars, camping, sounds like fun, but can you picture the lot of us in tents? With all of the aches and pains and complaints about fat asses, we'd be one giant land of air mattresses and Bengay, and we'd need to help each other up off the ground. But, it'd be worth it.
Seeme - when you went down the Salt did they have the buses and tube rental set up? The first time I went, years ago, we had to park one car at the top where we started and another car by the bridge where we crawled out. Did you see the wild horses when you tubed? There are so many now, and when they come to drink, its like a religious experience for anyone on the river - even all of the yahoo's get quiet - so beautiful. And, Apache helicopters flew over a few times that day. They make my heart skip a beat too.
Dealt with Mom today. My patience is wearing thin. Feel like a bad daughter. I was so angry with her today, just the little nit picky things she says that annoy the crap out of me, piled up, and by the time I was driving home, I felt like crying. And, I'm not ordinarily a crier.
Okay, I've got a question and I don't know if anyone can really help, but I'm getting a little desperate. My brother doesn't have a van anymore. He relies on VA transport for his appointments, and he doesn't ever get out any further than a store close to his house, but even that hurts now. His bones are so fragile that even transferring him from his bed to his chair can break them, so bumps in the road are just killer. He said that the creases in the sidewalk made his shoulders ache for 3 days from his last venture out. He's only been able to get out like that twice in the past year - his world is very small now. We've been talking about renting a van and hitting the road for a trip, but we can't find any rental vans that'll work for him. Mini vans are too short. He sits up very high in an electric wheelchair, and reclining to fit in them is very uncomfortable for him. Got any ideas? He's got a bucket list too, and I'd love to be able to help him, but some of it is just too hard and he knows he won't be able to do them. He's never seen the Gulf of Mexico and he'd love to. I wish I was rich and could rent a plane for him. I'm rambling. I could talk about him all night. Such a sweetheart. So...van ideas? Anyone know of an organization that rents vans that would accommodate a quadriplegic comfortably?
A quick note and then off to read for awhile... or not..... Marie has rebounded, getting around on her own, eating more, but has a new PAIN today.... I must have been tired today, as I was having a hard time connecting to anything going on around me.... so just sort of went thru the motions..... hate when that happens....
So,no hospice at this time.... don't even know what to think about this roller coaster she is on... and she complains about pain so much, we just arent' sure what to do most of the time.... and I know it's just me today, in a "mood".... guess all that talk about a fun weekend has put me in a tiny 'downer'.... just a tiny one... I don't stay down long... too much going on in my world to feel sorry for myself for long... hell, I might miss something...
love ya'll, sending hugs, angels and chocolate....