This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Burned: What do you think about a tube ride? Are you up to being in a flotilla of caregivers? Do you trust Beck to be our leader? Burned, you could use a good girl outing.
Book: How about you. We know you can't drive for shit, but you can tie your tube to Ladee and she will take you to places you have never been before. You will laugh your ass off during the day and at night you will sleep like a baby.
Are we camping out on this adventure or packing it up after a day and eating out? Camping out sounds like a blast. We just need to have a camp set up for us when we reach a certain destination.
Sitting under the stars with my girlfriends sounds like heaven.
Love you all, Cat.
I have followed all ur posts since i joined YOU, n i have to say, ur a bit of a mystery to me..I have, on many occasions, tried to share some advice with u regarding ur situation at home, n, i kno that so many others have done the same. You r very difficult to try to help, bcuz, with all the advice u have been given by so many here.....well....it's jst not being considered...or, at least, that's how it comes across.
No matter how many of us try n reach out to u...it all seems to go, unnoticed. I understand ur under an enormous amount of stress, but u jst dont connect with anything that has been shared with you...Frankly, it's quite frustrating.
Ur posts r always along the same topics....angry with ur husband....kids pulling u in different directions, that 2nd job.......do u or dont u......insurance problems, neighbors watching ur household closely, as to avoid CPS entering the picture....I jst dont understand wat more u need from us....Then this last post where u had all of us worried about u n ur kids....sounded very serious....but that never came to a close, either. U r, understandably,drowning in ur own world....but please try to remember that there r many others who r drowning, as well. sometimes i feel that u dont really care or have the time to bond with the other women on this thread who r suffering, as well. It was by no means, anyone's intention to make u feel "left out", it's jst the energy that u exude that keeps us from asking u to b a part of all of it..
I have also noticed, that no matter wat others have posted or watever difficult times others r sharing about their own struggles...u never respond, in kind, to them. I find that hurtful, bcuz the daily lives of ALL these woman mean so much to me...but wen u reach out...it's clear to us all, that it is about u n ur family issues....I kno ur lost n tired, n looking for guidance, n i think we have all been there for u during those moment...it would jst b refreshing for all of us if u could open ur heart up a bit, look up, for a change, n reciprocate with empathy, or sympathy, to the world around u...I try to live my life by putting things into a series of perspectives...It's easier to look down, n repeat that mantra.."Poor me".....but, u n i both kno that there r many others on this thread with far more suffering that they live with, day in n day out...I'm not trying to lessen the seriousness of ur life...i jst want u to look beyond ur own household...for jst a minute...n find those things in ur life to b grateful for....u have many...n along the way...connect with the other women who have cared for u...prayed for u, n love u for all the strength it has taken u n others to live in this difficult world as caregivers. No one here had any intention on leaving u out....to the contrary....we have all tried to bring u in....
I hope i have not offended u with this post, but i felt it was my time to express wat i've been feeling...Love ur family, with all it's craziness...n kno, Burned, that u r not alone in the journey.....U never have been,,,U will never find another group of wonderful men n woman to care about u...Jst let down ur walls....n we'll throw ur ass on a tube along with all r other asses....The only person who can make u feel "left out" is urself....We're always here.....much love
You mentioned your kids were in school now and you were thinking of looking for a job outside your home. Also, you said you had some friends living with your family. How is that working out? Is it upsetting to your husband? Are your friends able to help with rent or groceries?
I hope you will get back to us and let us know what is really happening. Sending a prayer your way, Burned. Cattails
Those who like to watch a show to get a few laughs should try watching off Netflix, Mr. Bean. Rowan Atkinson. Their about 15 episodes n he hardley talks just too funny watching him n his expressions.
The last time i went tubing, i fell out of the tube, got sucked under a rock from the strong current...got rescued by my uncle...n once i was safely back on the tube......I PEED on myself..lol....(Geez...i really need to see a doctor about that...lol)....but. no worries.....i've perfected my skills since then..LOL...LOL
Cat...have no worries about impending rocks on r trip.....my staff will come complete with a special device to warn me of any rock danger ahead....so, leave ur jewelry at home (the sonar ring)....i got this....
and ya know what ladies , we can make this happen.... we are CAREGIVERS..!!!!
Ladee, I looked up Marfa and I can see you living there. You've got your trailer and all you need is a spot to park it. From what I read, it mentioned people have built hay bail houses. I love that idea, always did. So environmentally friendly and easy to sustain in a hot area. I researched it a lot before moving to Wa. Too wet here, but In Marfa I can see it working. I love the idea of community, call it commune or other wise. It's just good to be connected and separate at the same time.
I'm not someone who does well in the heat. I'd have to have a constant mister attached to my forehead. I've come to the conclusion that there is no perfect place. Perfection is too expensive and heat, for me, is not an option. I love where I live, but it is not ideal. That's ok. I love to hear my frogs sing when Spring is around the corner. I love my birds and wild life. I love to see the fog come in and out, never settling in one place, but always sharing it's movement, changing the landscape and wrapping it's arms around me. When I was a kid, I felt kind of sheltered in the fog when I would walk up the street to my Grandmother's house. Loved the Hound of the Baskerville's, etc. Must be my Welsh roots.
I guess we should all just go where our hearts lead us and trust that things will fall into place.
Love you guys, Cat.
Good luck on the chili delivery, Beck. The last time I brought chili to my parents, my mom curled her lip at it (and it was good, too!). Never again. Distraction is good. I hope your daughter does the trick.
The rocks kind of scare me. Gonna have to find my secret code ring. I think it had sonar on it too.
Thanks for the laughs,
Cat
All of our tubes will b tied to one another..n i will take on the position as ur leader..here's why....
I will b wearing my weave....with my gel boobies atop my head, keeping all the cigs safe n dry. I will be wearing spanks under my old lady suit, sporting my fake fingernails, holding a staff as i help to navigate the train of tubes from any danger at the waters edge! I will, of course, be wearing my 5 inch stilettos, in case i should need to spear any creatures that may jump out of the water n try to board our floating train...I will, also b wearing my hat, sporting my bumper sticker logo that reads.."Back off...WE have lost all sphincter control"....this is to ensure that there r no possibilities of floating turds near the train... I will b wearing my signature red lipstick, so that all others tubing, will see us coming....I will keep my passengers safe...don't worry....cuz....IM A CAREGIVER!!!..Looking forward to this trip!!!!!!!
Yes Jam, watching the decline is the worst part for me too.... no quality of life, hearing their memories and how distorted their fears are... S is starting to think we need to take him "home" all the time... this is the middle of the day, not even sundowners....he has become so frail, has a shuffle walk, we haven't picked up sticks this past summer, he is too unsteady to bend over... he still get around tho, and still laughs alot, so for that I am very grateful...
I don't know how the 'hospice' conversation went this weekend.... but when I went to check on her she was setting in her chair in the living room... I went and got her some pineapple sherbert, her face lit up. One of the few things she has wanted to eat.... so will let ya'll know when I find out something...
Yesterday's visit with the col was rather bittersweet.....she was so concerned because she thought one of her granddaughters was in trouble. Two years ago a close family friend and his girlfriend of 20 yrs was murdered...everyone thought it was a professional hit.....but his daughter was arrested 2 weeks ago for the murder. 1st degree murder and forgery....found out that was because Dad lived about 2 weeks and she showed up at the hospital with forged DNR papers. Breaks my heart to think he might have lived if she hadn't done that. So, in her mind, the col was confused about which child it was...I'm glad she doesn't keep facts long in her head. Also noticed that her heart rate is thready....she's been on a baby aspirin for A-fib a couple of months now. And her legs are cold, the left is very stiff. Sometimes I think the slow decline is harder to deal with than the sudden death.
You will have to count me out for the vacation.......I'm an ex-smoker and don't swim........but a pretty darn good cook!
Love and Hugs to all!
Ive been to Texas, once. I went for a work meeting, with a whole suitcase of dress clothes. I went a few days earlier than the meeting because I have an Aunt there I wanted to visit (might as well let work pay for the plane, right?) After I was there, the bosses decided the meeting would be "work casual" clothes. I spent a fourtine at the local mall, re-doing my wardrobe! And almost didn't make it through O'hare airport with all the bags I was lugging home with me! So I'm in for the tubing, with my smokes on Beck's gel boob, as long as I don't have to buy all new clothes again :)
I like your idea Sharyn... we could use Becks boob to keep our smokes dry..... We could just get Beck to wear it on her head like a hat... !!!!
And Book, what Sharyn says is so true about any kind of healing... it is exhausting... after Ruth died, I had to get a job ASAP to get out and away from Ruth's family, namely her daughter, who I had come to loathe.... I was a live in with Ruth...
That next year I was like you are now... just last year as a matter of fact.... I was trying to get used to a new family, ect, and would come home so tired all I could do is cry.... stuff it back in the next day, go do what I had to do, and all over again when I got home....one of the hardest years of my life.... so, yeah , we understand what is going on with you, and how you feel... it's hard, it hurts, it feels like it will never end... but it does.... and a huge weight is lifted from us.... we see the world more clearly, we see ourself in the world more clearly, and the biggest blessing.... we take our power back from the people that have hurt us to the point that we had to do all that work to begin with.... you are not on this journey by accident, you didn't find this site by accident, I know if I had all these awesome women in my life back then, it wouldn't have been any easier, but I wouldn't have felt so alone....
And Sharyn , giant kudos to you for letting your 'healer' hold you... I am like Book, when I am feeling vulnerable, I don't want any one to touch me.... that just opens up another whole can of worms for me....
So when I hear of someone allowing themselves to be held, it just makes my heart soar to the heavens for that person.... I can only imagine how comforting that must be... who knows, maybe someday for me.... but it freaks me out just thinking about it....
I am a 'huggy' person, and will hold someone else in a heartbeat.... and maybe for me there is some vicarious healing going on... all I know is I am grateful for all the pain today... not so much when I was going thru it.... but it sure as hell showed me I could do anything I set my mind to....
Getting rid of the pain allows room for the wonderful things in life to get in... so Book, you have many people here with like circumstances, walking along side you, cheering you on.... you are never alone... and as far as the lady is concerned, just take your time, and if it feels right, you'll know what to do.... hopefully she will call, if not, it may simply mean she understand how raw you feel right now and is giving you space....
And the symbolism of you looking that lady in the eye, it speaks volumes about you facing this head on.... no matter how afraid you have been, you keep going.... so yeah, we are proud of you... we are amazed and encourged by you... feels so good to see the REAL in you... which you have been since you first posted.... so you have a bunch of people here in the states that can't wait to hear from you... that are praying for you, and cheering you on, being sad with you, being happy with you... you are never alone, even if it feels like you are...
And no Kim, no portfolio, but have given much of my stuff as gifts.... do ya'll know what filet crochet is??? I made this huge dragon for a freind of mine, took me months to make because it is very tedious work.... but she had it framed in a shadow box with some of her wizards and dragons she collects.... and some cyrstals... it is beautiful .... I made her a 'wise' woman, old lady with white hair, tie died clothes, a tiny crocheted bag, and rocks all around her... oh yeah, I do love to create my 'dolls'....haven't go to do this in so long, sad how we loose ourself....
Beck got freaked out when she found out I had cow skulls and a goat skull in my pile of rocks... UHHH I live in Texas ya'll... pretty much everyone has at least one cow skull, duh....but I have rocks in my house, outside, in my car and in my purse... ya, I'm a tad OCD when it comes to rocks... but they go great with my birds nests that I've found and all the cool feathers I've found...and the beautiful twisted peices of wood... so Cat hit the nail on the head about me.... I feel I am surrounded by 'God stuff' all the time.... nature.... guess that's why living in this ratty little trailer doesn't bother me... it just is what it is, until it's something else.....
Love ya'll... I appreciate having a safe place to come and be me.... and to be accepted for the most part... just know each of you have a special place in my heart and my life.... angels for each of you...
Sharyn, I've never had counseling or therapy. So, all this is new to me. I appreciate your relating your experience with therapy. It gives me an idea of what to expect. I guess any emotions Other than anger and resentment is good? I would rather have the other woman call me first. This way, the burden of carrying on the conversation begins with her. I can help by keeping it going. I rarely call my sis or nieces. Sis does the calling. Of course, I could always do something new or different and make the first move. We will see....