This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
well...all this talk about tubing, cellulite....boobies....brings back a memory that i must share...Before i begin, let me say i'm IN for a girls weekend of tubing..even if my boobs sink to the bottom on the way!!!
Ok...remember wen Victoria Secret came out with those gel boobies that u could stick in ur bra to help "ENHANCE", or in my case....lift up the boobs?? I decided to purchase these remarkable enhancers, n strut those along with the weave....i, did not, however, purchase them for Lily....but she managed to get a hold of them, anyway...
I was wearing them one day, n decided that i really needed to go pull some weeds out of my flower bed in the front yard....Yes....i looked HOT...LOL.... I was bent over, n in serious "weed pulling" mode...n my neighbor saw me working out there n decided to come chat while i worked...I was watering the flower bed to help make the weed pulling a lil easier...so i created a small mud puddle...Lily was laying on the grass, waiting for the next dragon fly to pass by..so she was in her own world....so i thought...As i was working my way thru the weeds, i was visiting with my neighbor....unaware of the fact that my brand new gel boob had fallen out of my bra n landed in the mud....I kept pulling the weeds n chatting away, n i dont believe my neighbor noticed the run away boob....until....Lily found it....n interrupted our conversation by bringing the muddy boob over to me n dropping it at my feet....OMG....the look on neighbors face was....lets see.....how would i describe it.....PAINFUL!!!!! There was only one way to react, n that was uncontrollable laughter.....so....without missing a beat....i rinsed off my muddy boob, asked the neighbor to turn his head, n stuffed that f***** right back where it belonged....!!
I thanked Lily for finding it...gave her a treat...n went back to the job at hand....Havent seen the neighbor, since....lol....So....if we go tubing, n one of u ladies sees my boob floating near ur tube....grab it.......i'll give u a treat wen we get to dry land.........LOL
Let's see Kim, when is not killer hot here in Texas,,, uh.... December...??? Ya'll certainly don't want to be here in Aug.... that's the month that makes you a true Texan... if you hang for that one.... you are a real Texan....
And where is Beck by the way....
more later, love ya'll
Book-So proud of you for going to those meeting, and for telling your story. Like Ladee said, the way you felt is another step on your journey. Please know you are loved and appreciated by us. And give that lady a call...fourtune favors the bold! Hugs.
Judy-What has life gotten to if we feel guilty for having fun?!? Hell, I've had some awesome mental vacations and fun days just reading posts here, which is cheaper, easier, and less time consuming than me trying to do it myself! :) I never feel jelous when someone posts about fun - I'm just glad one of us got a break and was willing to share it with the rest of us. Hugs.
Ladee-bless you for being with S and M now. And thank heavens you made some peace with M - she may need your kindness and understanding in the time to come. My heart is heavy knowing that you are hurting, too. Love ya. And the job for you? Dog Walker! You can help us keep our pets in shape and pick up rocks as you go along. Besides, I'd give anything to see YOU in Lilly's weave!
I've begun the slow, painfull process of trying to convince Dad that his body is worn out from all his stress. I'm skirting the mental issues, because he won't admit to it. But we are running out of options to make him better, and watching him fade is killing me. There are strong drugs they could try to control his bowels, but they have serious side effects. We've tried all the normal drugs already. So maybe an antidepressent will do the trick. If I can get him to agree to take one.
I made it to the gym twice this week! Yeah for me! I also ate a bazillon cookies, some cake, and donut holes. Oh well :)
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Ladee, I'd love to see your art-do u have an electronic portfolio? I'm glad u will be staying on with M, n I hope S too. Thank u all for keeping us laughing, kimbee
But I promise to be the cigerrete keeper... remember I made it thru Hurricane Rita stuck in the woods with the Manson family.... so I know how to keep the smokes dry.... the rest of it , well, it makes my mind spin to think of all us out there... those that need to have a lenghty discussion about who's in charge. well, ya'll we be left behind.... some of us do NOT follow directions very well.... I would just be looking at Judy and saying. "hell, i know they aren't talking to us.... let's boogie....."... and off we'd go....
And there is awesome food in Texas... just one look at my fat ass is a testament to that....
I just know tho, that i would have so much fun I wouldn't want to go home.... but let's do it ladies.... nothing stopping us but us....
And yes Judy, I am an artist, mixed media, art dolls, not like baby dolls ya'll, these ladies " speak' to you .... all sorts of needlework.. but would love to move there and just do my creative self into a coma..... would be so nice to be tired from doing something I love....
Austin - not the Hudson, it was the Salt River, but I think Ladee says we need to float down the Commel next year. I'm game. I'll be tied to Cattails who has promised to keep my smokes dry.
Book - that woman's eyes sound amazing. I hope you call her.
Burned, Funnier, Cara - you all need a good float, I think. Where's Beck and Kimbee? And who else did I miss? I'm missing people.
Gotta feed my brat so I can head out to bro's. I've got a 2 hr wiindow to visit before he goes to bed. I'll be home early with my ice pack. Wild Saturday night for sure!
Texas Tubing. Sign me up. Seriously. What a blast. We should really do this and not just talk about it. Sounds cheap enough too, aside from the plane fare. Tubing is cheap.
I'm sitting here icing my thigh again. Holy crap. A little too much of the goodness yesterday. And, Cat, I had my smokes in a baggie, its just that when we kept falling in the stinky water, the cooler dumped out a few times and everything just got soaked. I'm still pissed about my shoes getting pulled off.
The last time I went tubing, a few years ago, I got to shore with no drama, but when I went to stand up, the tube was stuck on my ass, so I lost my balance and fell forward on my hands and knees. My kids were howling and told me that I looked like a turtle. At least I didn't do THAT this time.
Going to my bro's for a few hours tonight. Looking forward to it. Hope everyone has a decent night. Love you guys.
Strawberry cheesecake sounds delicious.
Judy, all I can say is... you're crazy! (Good kind of crazy... not the dementia crazy.) Glad you enjoyed yourself. Forget the guilty conscience. View it as a reward for being a hardworking caregiver. Just as a regular 9-5 job has vacations, you also have one. And you just took your vacation on that day. And it's not as if you left them alone..... So, when is your next mini vacation?
Austin, when the lady gave me her number, I actually thought of you. I recalled you mentioning this and I wondered if this could also be a potential. I find her eyes so fascinating. She's caucasian (white) and her eyes are not gray, green, blue, etc...It's like it's silver, or very very light gray eyes. I've never seen that color before. I also gave her my cell phone number. Don't know if I will call her... I wouldn't know what to say to her!
Ladee, I'm glad you commented on the sadness I felt. I was confuse because the first 2 meetings, I was fine. But this 3rd one, I felt such lingering sadness. I was beginning to think that if I always come away with sadness, then I won't go anymore. I didn't think of it as what you said, that I'm Grieving. It makes sense. So, I've decided that I will continue to go to these monthly meetings because obviously to you (an outsider) this is good, a progress. But in my point of view, I saw it as something negative. Hope you don't mind that I comment on future meetings? Because I definitely am not viewing things in the POSITIVE Light but concentrating on a Negative view. Thanks!
Maybe this next summer we all need to plan a weekend to New Braunfels... here in Texas... it's tubing paradise on the Commel..... no stinky water here.... and it's a blast... wouldn't that be a fun weekend.... something for us to think about, we'd have plenty of time to plan, save our pennies, get someone to cover for our elders, and just to hell with it for a few day.... of course a bunch of ladies laying on the shore asleep from exhaustion from laughing might be frowned upon, but they really wouldn't want to mess with that many tired caregivers all at one time....
And speaking of the commune, I have been looking into a similiar situation in Marfa, Tx... but not something I would have to be in charge of.... tired of RESPONSIBILITY.... But won't be going anywhere until M is no longer with us... no way would I leave now, and your right Judy, I care too much to quit.... not much of a quitter anyway...
So Judy, nothing to feel guilty about, we give huge shout outs to those that can get a way for a day of fun.... sorry you are sore today, but I know it was worth it.....
Need to go get something to eat... that strawberry cheesecake I had for dinner last night has not filled up my tummy..... later, love ya'll
I'm a hurting unit today. Mom wasn't happy with me yesterday because I told her I could drop her off for her perm but that I had to run to the school for my youngest, and that I'd be back to pick her up when she was done. Oh, she didn't like that. Asked me "why" I had to go to the school and said that she didn't go to our schools unless she really needed to when we were kids. Well, duh. I remember. Anyway, she had me reschedule her appointment for next week. So, you know what? I didn't go over her house at all yesterday. Said screw it. My nephew was there anyway. Got my kid taken care of, my friend packed a cooler with some margaritas in plastic bottles, put on my fat lady bathing suit and tubed down the river with my friend, got a bit loaded, lost my shoes when I got swept down the river a ways when I jumped out of my tube when I thought the current wasn't strong and we could make it to shore (dumb, dumb, dumb). Friend got swept downstream with the tubes and cooler, got stuck on a rock in some reeky, still water like rotten eggs, holding my tube with her feet until I could crawl and fall my way down to her, and we both fell down on the slippery rocks getting out of the river like idiots, laughing like lunatics. Good thing no one was around. Now, my shins are bruised up and down, my shoulders ache, I think I pulled a muscle in my thigh (I'm icing it now), and I'm a little queasy today, but IT WAS A BLAST! I feel guilty telling you all that I had a scream of a day yesterday. By the time my friend's husband picked us up, I had mascara running down my face like Alice Cooper, was sucking river water out of the filters of my cigarettes, spitting it out, and smoking the least soggy of the pack, I had garbage bags on my feet, and was wearing an old soaking wet dress over my bathing suit, we were both covered in what I'm hoping was moss and mud and not dung, but we were laughing so hard that it didn't matter. So, I'm bruised and limping but smiling. And, while you guys are dealing with poop, bladder spasms, rashes, abuse, not getting any sleep, worry about leukemia and parents dying and really serious issues with no rest or break... I'm writing about having some extreme juvenile fun and feeling some big time guilt, but you all are my buddies and I had to tell you. I wish we had been all together in a big KAW flotilla of tubes yesterday. Now, that would've been something. My mother just chapped my ass yesterday. Pissed me off. And, the old people didn't need me yesterday for anything big, so I was gone. What am I going to do when I can't leave them? I'll go crazy.
Last night, though, not only did she have bladder spasms, her bowels did it to, twice, and she had explosions in unison. WOW! I don't know how anyone can have that much crap inside of them. I don't feed her that much. It must multiply while it's there.
I had a wash going at 1:30 AM and another at 6:00 AM. I looked at myself in the mirror and I wasn't sure that was me looking back at me. I'm really glad the new caregiver from the agency comes on Saturday, too, because I'm going to take a 2-hour nap today.
I hope everybody else gets a chance to take one, too.
I know you have no idea how remarkable you are, because this is all you've ever done... that is your 'normal'.... so you don't see it as the heroic feat that we do... we are on the outside looking in, amazed, stunned at your ability to continue on, and we are also seeing a new person emerging.... one with a voice, with feelings that matter to us..... I'm not blowing smoke here lady, there are very few people in my life that I truly respect, but you are one of them.... don't take that on as another responsibilty either.... you are one of the most REAL women on this whole sight.... and I know many others feel the same as I do.... and am very proud of you for letting us love you until you can love yourself..... that takes courage.... no matter what or where or when, when I think of you during my own busy day, I smile.... you are very loved Book, and it's ok to be sad... we are all sad for one reason or another, so again, you are not alone.... sending you lots of love across the miles...
Even when the 1st person was talking, my poor heart was beating like crazy. It was just awful. My turn came. I wanted to bring out the poopy stage and how I find it difficult to adjust to this. I ended up telling a short version of mom and then father stroke, etc...I ended mine by mentioning resisting therapist's words that my family did not care for me (loud gasps from the group). I told them that I figured he's an American from the mainland. He's not an islander and doesn't understand. I mention Googling for caregiving and finding this site (no names mentioned) and 2 days later, suicidal and how you all helped me. You all basically validated what the therapist told me. I mentioned that I decided to suicide on Friday because by then the boss would be back. I didn't want to die and no one be in the office to take care of the customers. (Heard someone comment: My God she even decided WHEN she will do it cuz she's concerned about the office!)
Needless to say, talking about it aloud has just made me feel sooo sad all day today. I can feel the sadness in me. I think talking about it just reinforced that my family don't care for me. I kept repeating that phrase. I think I made them all so sad. Before, all the previous speakers got laughter. Mine was just so quiet.
One woman whose first time is today, came to me while I was getting in the car. She wanted to give me her phone number and to call her anytime I needed to talk. I didn't think about it until just now. I did wonder why she wanted to give me her number. You see, when I was talking, I mentioned that I had no one to talk to. And the CG meeting was once a month. So I turned to online for help. I guess she wanted to give me her number so that if I ever feel suicidal or just want to talk, that I can call her. Me - a total stranger. She also strongly encouraged me to take yoga. That was how much 3rd CG ended.
A friend dropped by at 4pm for encouragement, but I was just so sad. I didn't really smile to her. I finally told her that she dropped by at the wrong time. Cuz every 3-4pm, my body wants to shut down, I'm so tired and drained. I told her that while she was talking, my brain, my brain...and she said, "is foggy." I nodded. I apologized to her. I think she wanted to hug me but the whole time she was there, I was hugging myself tightly and leaning against the wall, rocking. As usual, she came to invite me to our religious meeting tomorrow morning. I just gave her a crooked smile (one side moved up but the other side did not.) I have so much in my plate, I have no room for religious obligations on top of it. This was a decision I made 20 years ago. I have not changed. If God finds me lacking all these years of not worshipping him in his house of worship, then so be it. But, I don't think so. He sees what's in our hearts and mind.
Best wishes, Cattails.
About weight: I watched a video today that talked about how our bodies hold on to weight. It's often due to stress and the chemistry is produces in our bodies. Our bodies view the stress the same way it views potential famine and holds onto fat and body mass to protect us. Eating more wholesome foods, reducing stress and simple exercise can make a big difference. Not easy to reduce stress, but I think you have taken a giant step. Take your time and don't go back.
Ladee: Hummmmm: I am going to have some fun thinking of a new line of work for you. First thing that comes to mind in Prophet. Yep, I can see you organizing a group of folks who just want to live collectively and reduce their stress. A homestead of living arrangements, all independent, but not high brow. Some community vegetable gardens. Populated by people of various trades, and helping each other out as their talents allow. This group would respect the privacy and individuality of neighbors, but still be a community. I could see you in this kind of setting.
Maybe this sounds silly to you, but I think you are a leader and could make your own community if you felt the need or desire. Nice to have a family, so to speak, of like minds, even if it's just the space to be individuals.
Don't have any jokes right now. Just thinking of you and all the love and straight sense you live by and offer.
Hus, Cat
I know what you mean about the flapping arms. Some people call that grandmother arms. And, the more I lose, I'm sure the more the will jiggle (gross)
I also have a lot of belly fat and sometimes when I get up I feel it flop down that's a weird feeling. So far I lost some weight around my ribcage, like anyone would notice that. My double chin isn't as obvious now and my butt is smaller from the side view. But I'll probably always have a wide butt. A little at a time I guess is better than a drastic weight loss that may not last.
I am definitely enjoying my freedom, I just love it here. I can hear different bird calls, and for 3 nights in a row there was an owl very close by, I love to hear them. Thanks for making me giggle once again with your critique of your body. LOL that was awesome.
195Austin;
Yes my husband will be living with the step-father. (his not mine he's not even any relation to me at all)
He will be coming down to our house on week-ends as I think he is trying to make amends for his behavior and lack of attention to me for many years. The trouble is I love him but I'm no longer in love with him. He seems more like a long term room mate. I have no idea how I will tell him that, but I have to be honest about it I guess. He has ignored me and emotionally abused me for so long that I feel no affection for him at all. I feel sorry for him because he is so messed up, and after drinking for many years his thinking is skewed. He seems to have little if any emotion and I hate that.
I'm very affectionate and emotional normally, but his attitude has pretty much killed that part of my personality. When he hugs me, it's like hugging a rag doll, it feels so strange. I have no desire to kiss him anymore. Sex, well it's the same old thing he never changes anything. There's no "I love you" or cuddling. Just the mechanics nothing more for me, boring!!
I'm sure you didn't expect that conversation huh?
By the way what is "sisterhood of KAW" please explain. I'm missing something obviously. LOL
Thanks for checking in with me. You ladies are great!!
A few months ago, she and I had a conversation about why she is hanging on... why she chooses to put herself thru the blood transfusions, ect... she very simply said, "S"..... so her kids are going to tell her that S will be taken care of....
M has pre lukemia, Kim will know the name of it, and Vickie Vic's dad has the same thing....so, it continues to do it damage to her body... she is exhausted, weak, and hanging on... will let ya'll know more as we go thru this final stage with M.....
Going to go now, process my feelings, and I know I will be there until the end.... this is more than a job to me.... love and hugs....