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Beck~ Let me know when you are in Manteca next. I am more than happy to connect with you!! Did you enjoy the thundershowers today, I know I did.

Burned~No judgement on what is going on with you, hope you can get another lead on a job if the one at the school isn't panning out for you!!
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Well still quiet at the home front still hasnt been anyone yet to come here to investigate wth is going on but still stressful not knowing who has it out for me and mine ...My kids school is attacking me and some anonymous strangers in town are attacking me ...I am being slandered and having character defamation going on when these ppl have no clue what my life is like ....lol they do not even bother to call or check on me ...if so its mainly an attitude that someone my age shouldn't be taking care of nearly considered elderly gentleman that is my husband btw he turned 48 on aug 26th that was a rough day for him...with or without this bs happening...I am still got myself going in circles inside my head and trying to pay bills n decide if i need to go ahead get a lawyer that can cover many of the area's of Az of law such as guardian paperwork for the kids and my husband...waiting for the other shoe to drop on the other stuff that I am not ready to share with you all...it seems ridiculous that good die young and get punished for DOING the right THINGS but doesn't matter in my shoes...I am fed up with the monstrousity of our govt and the bs hypocrisy of our laws/rights...the constant confusion and know straight answer yet when I say my husband isn't with it 100 pct of the time I get ignored...and I was praying to get another job ...but i have to wait for some things to clear out before I can cross that bridge once more...pls continue to pray and support me in the known chaos of my life and the unknown...ty and GOD BLESS...
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Judy, I felt relieved that someone else starts the day out pissed. I try so hard not to feel like this but everyday I wake up and know that the first thing I have to face is going to my parents house. Unlike my job that I left and loved, where I spoke to students and friends and laughed, I now go to a dark sad house. My dad has been on hospice for 11 months now, stroke in Feb of 2011 and my mom has kind of just given up since Jan of 2011. He is in bed, unable to move, unable to eat, has a feeding tube, is also blind and he is so skinny. If he is not drugged up (recently got put on morphine) he is yelling "please help me, someone please help me!" He is not comforted by us and till meds kick in, it is unbearable to hear. I feel so guilty, because as soon as I can I just want to run out of their house. My mom is very good with him but there is not much for me to do there after taking out trash and washing clothes I am out the door. Almost two years of this and nothing is getting better, only worse. I feel I have become somewhat callous and cold and sad and angry and the list goes on and on. Maybe I strayed from the topic a bit, but only way I can explain how I feel. Thanks for your ears:)
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Pokagon good for you getting respite get plenty of rest and have some fun.
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Seeme Sue, you know you are in my prayers and thoughts... the others don't know about me calling you to install my cable when you were on the edge... God that was a theraputic moment wasn't it.... sending you tons of love....
Jam, have been meaning to congratulate you on the article that Aging Care did on the elections... you had some great questions and was very proud to know our very own Jambo was quoted so many times... congrats to you sister friend....

And Jam, do you see how close we are to 10,000, I knew this thread was going to be a success, because it was started for the right reasons.... God had His hands all over it....
Wonder how SDPeg is doing.... bahhahaahahaha, I know , I am such a bitch... But we are all good at something...
What is going to be the prize for the big post.. and all expense paid trip paid for by AC????? Nahh, didnt think so....

Ok, going to TRY to go to bed.... this week is flying by.... love ya'll
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Judy....Sausage therapy......i love that!!! Im so happy u got to share a happy moment with ur dad, but i'm especially happy that he smiled! Those moments r priceless n don't happen enough for me, but then, i've never tried slapstick sausage...lol....thanks for the idea.....Hugs

Stormy n Notlike.....thinking n praying for both of u that things get a lil easier....even if it's jst for a moment....Love ya both...

Sharyn....I'M WAITING!!!!!! Manteca is calling ur name...If n wen u think u can handle meeting me, face to face....let me kno.....i won't bite.....hugs

Seeme...thinking of u with the 1yr passing of ur mom....i hope ur doing alright. Wenever ur heart starts to hurt, jst hug those beautiful 4 legged babies, n they will comfort u....Lily gets me thru all those difficult n emotional moments.......Jst picture this in ur mind.....EVERY time i sit at this computer, Lily is lying under my desk......waiting for me to get the hell off...LOL...gotta love her..love ya

LADEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LYL
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Pokagon, what great news..... so happy for you, and not having to worry about mom is twice the blessing.... make sure you let us know after your respite how much fun you had, how late you slept, and let us celebrate with you..... and you are right, something to look forward to... great great news... hugs...
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What a great moment for you Judy!! You should do this more often to bring your father out. It is memory you will treasure for many years to come♥!!
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Dad was funny again today. Yesterday, he hardly got out of bed, but today, he's laughing. While unpacking their groceries, I found a package of smoked sausage, so I swatted Dad on the arm with it. He was zoned out, mechanically and vacantly unloading the contents of the bags onto the counter, so the swat startled him and made him laugh. So, I started attacking him a little more, thwacking him on the hand and forearm, popping over the island at him every once in a while when he didn't suspect it (or had forgotten about it already). And, in case anyone thinks I'm beating up an 87 year old man... I wasn't. He thought it was a riot, and it was only taps to get his attention. Then, he made fists and told me that his left hand is "intensive care" and his right hand is "the morgue". He used to say this when I was a teenager when he'd joke around. My dad doesn't interact much. He's mostly deaf and confused and has trouble with conversation - hearing it and following it, but I've found that joking with him in a simple slapstick kind of way, that doesn't require hearing, makes him laugh like a little kid - you know when they laugh hard and make no noise? - that was the old man today. Of course, my mother was a bit annoyed. Eh. Whatever. I should've whacked her with a sausage too. Weird day. I started off at my parents house this morning, feeling pissed off and resentful, but this afternoon, my dad was a hoot, and when I stopped in at my brother's house, he was feeling better - he's been so down, which is so unlike him (he's quadriplegic from a car wreck a long time ago). So, when I drove home, the radio was cranked and I was feeling much better.
I wish Bookworm was feeling better.
I wish Stormy was feeling better.
Maybe everyone needs to go by my dad's and smack him a little bit with a smoked sausage. Did wonders for me.
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Hospice at Home social worker has me scheduled for a 5day respite. Mom will go into the absolutely wonderful nursing home where they had her for my first respite . I am so excited, something to look forward to, and I won't have to worry about her, as this place is the best. Whew...the social worker with Hospice is an angel. :O)
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Ladee......i always knew u loved me.....even wen i disappear for awhile. It will take a hell of alot to get rid of me.......ur stuck with me now....mama....i'm smilin from ear to ear, jst posting this!!!!!! U make my day,woman!!! LYL
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Stormy,thanks for volunteering for our depressions here, but I really think our lives gives us all the reason we need....I had my meltdown last week, it's just others turn this week.... I know for me, If it doesn't get cooler here soon I am MOVING TO ALASKA...... not really.... who would eat chocolate ice cream with Sonny after his nap.... not the other girls.... oh hell no, i have seniority....I will have to go back and read some stuff so I can tell ya'll what Seeme Sue calls the thorn in my side at work.... remember thinking, ya, that's it.....

I just pray we don't all have a nervous breakdown on the same day... or maybe we should..... nahhhh, I'm afraid a member of my family would finally step up... scairy thought...


And ya know what is straight up creepy.... all these posts we get of people looking for cemetary plots.... or names of people in a cemetary... I am so tempted to write something bizarre in answer..... but Jam says I am the YOU problem child, don't think she'll let me be that for the whole sight..... but I do think about it....

Lovin' you all, even you Beck, email on the way..... love , hugs and chocolate.
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Book.....If it's time away from us that u need, or others in ur life....please....do it for urself....don't let guilt, or self criticism cloud the fact that.....u DESERVE to take some time........it is long over due. Ur words have helped all of us on this site, n we will always appreciate n love u....no matter wat...We're all connected...As Ladee said....U have made an impact on lives, here...We r grateful for u...Find some peace, Book.....it is ur's to have........much love to u
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Bookworm~You have been a super help to me which I will always be so thankful to you. I am sorry you are overwhelmed and I know I encouraged you to force your brother and sil to help more. I shouldn't have said that knowing how hard your situation is. Please know you are so appreciated and wanted here. So many of us are at different levels of healing from abusive childhoods and we have trigger points. I have mine too and no one is judging you as a hypocrite. You are an important part of this thread and many others and very much loved on all of them. Take what time you need and come back when you are ready♥♥♥!!
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Book, don't know if you are reading or not, but just wanted to say if giving advice and not taking our own makes you a hipocrit, then we are all pretty much hipocrits... it's easy to give suggestions.... becuase we are objective, other peopls's problems are not up in our faces....But you do what you need to do to take care of yourself.... but I think if you take an honest look at the past few months, you will see that you are safe and you have learned alot... that building that wall up again wont' be possible with us as we already know you... and we love ya just the way you are.... no expectations, just loving Book, and if nothing else, just damned proud you are not suicidal..,so, if your time with us is done, then just know you have impacted our lives.... sometimes when it's time to move on we know it... and you may return.... do what is right for YOU for a change, no one else... sending love, hugs and angels to help you on your journey....
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Frustrated, they did an x ray of my mother's hip yesterday at her facility and after weeks of me saying it was a fracture, her denying it, looks like it is and now waiting for ambulette to take her to ER. She is mad I cannot take her due to needing to put no weight on her leg. Now I get to spend hours in the ER. No idea how this affects her radiation treatments which are supposed to begin next week...
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Book: I love you. You are in no way a hypocrite. All the advise you have given others is spot on and filled with caring. I feel responsible for adding to your feelings of sadness and being overwhelmed. You can't change your life overnight. It takes lots of time. I hope you will forgive my pushing you. It was my mistake and I was way out of line. I am so sorry.

Book, I'm still working on getting my life together too. I wish I could dig myself out from under all the weight I feel on my shoulders and my life is so simple compared to yours and all you have and continue to go through. I get sad and frustrated with myself at times and then realize that it is just going to take time and beating myself up isn't going to make it happen any sooner.

I learn from you Book. My words can be helpful or hurtful. I will try by best to make sure they are always more helpful in the future. Hurting you breaks my heart.

Come back when can. You are loved and valued here more than you can imagine. Love and apologies, Cat
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Book you are valued and love if staying away from us helps that is what you need to do I feel your pain I was there for so long I and we all are here for you anytime as Jam said we will leave the light on for you I pray for God to give you strength and wisdom and whatever else you need-life is so unfair for you right now I hope you feel my love and concern for you. Take care girlfriend.
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Lord, I just got through reading the posts and I feel like i have depressed everyone. I just want to sit here and cry for all of us until there are no more tears to cry.
Notlike- I am very sorry that you and your family are having to go through this. My heart goes out to you and your dad. My prayers are with you sweetie. ((((Hugs))))
Bookworm- I understand taking a break from everything. At times i feel like a broken record, complaining about the same stuff everyday. And i guess i give myself a break as well as you girls until I'm about to bust with emotion then i just have to let it all out. So if you want to talk whenever we are here for you. I think you are amazing. And a wonderful daughter. My love and prayers to you!!!! ((((hugs)))to!!
Austin- I am keeping the support thing in mind. Thank you for the info. Love and hugs to you.
Well, i guess i got to gather up all of my nerves to get ready to go to dads. Ugh. I pray that we all will have a better day today. Hell, maybe all of us just need to have a crying party then maybe we all would feel better!!! Love and hugs to you all stormyyy
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I'm sorry to worry you all. I didn't even know I was "overwhelmed" like Ladee described. I always called it "depression" because of the crying fits. Tuesday, at work, I cried in the office, in the restroom, driving, etc...I know I was stressed with work, caregiving, electrical and what to feed father and sis during the week until brother fixes the socket. Then, the cost of buying take-out dinners.

As I was reading this site on Monday, it hit me that I'm a Hypocrite. Here I am giving advice to people and I'm not even following my advice. I know what I want, I know that if I do what I want - my conscience and Bible training will condemn me. I fear if I walk out, I don't know who me is. And I'm just soooo tired. My thoughts is like running in circles. And I no longer found this site as encouragement but as condemnation. I'm a hypocrite...

I'm still weepy but I needed to come on because obviously you all needed to hear that I'm all right. I am. I'm just all broken up inside but I'm not broken beyond repair. I tried reading some posts and I felt sadness and not wanting to read it. I'm sorry...if avoiding this site is required to put me back to pieces, then I will do so. I've aggressively done so - just as I've been doing all my life in order to survive.

I know what needs to be done. I will do it when I'm ready. It's also my fault that this has happened. I opened myself to you all. I made myself vulnerable. I did something here that I've never shown to my family - my inner me. I need to rebuild my wall. I KNOW that this is wrong but I need to do this because I'm being pulled in so many directions inside. Fortunately, I always check my inner side - I'm Not Suicidal. This - I truly believe is because you all have helped me to be stronger to handle the stress of life. I'm sorry...I'm sooooo tired. I'm logging out now. My ice cream is calling me.

Cat, I'm sorry for worrying you. When I posted to Ladee, I just cried and cried. That little paragraph tooke me 1-1/2 hour to write! I just wasn't up to repeating it again....Sorry, Cat.
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Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my mom's death. I remember saying out loud to myself that I just couldn't do the caregiviing thing one more day. With God's help I lasted just long enough................
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Ladee-Thank you. I needed a klenex that big. Some days are just what they are. And I do love my Dad.
Bookworm-Much love and hugs to a wondeful caregiver! Rest, and know we are thinking of you.
I read something yesterday, went sort of like this-
She who cries tears is not without courage.
Courage is wiping away the tears and picking up the sword to fight again.
Thank you all for being my stength. Wishing everyone courage and a bit of peace today.
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It's not an electical problem, she is taking a break... like all of us she just becomes overwhelmed , like Beck posted, and needs to take some time for herself... she knows she is loved here, so hopefully she will return. And will read how much she is loved and missed...
Beck, I am sorry for you too that it all seems too large... it seems to go in cycles... this time of year, we are ready for change, at least change in seasons, it is still so hot here, I know this is contributing to my fatigue....
And yes Beck, every one has their hands full, such is the life of a caregiver, we can only hear about others suffering and then we get burned out from that too... but that's where we get out of ourself and be there for others.... the energy comes from somewhere..... we feel futile sending hugs out in cyberspace, but it does count and it does matter... so for those of you with the energy to continue, then keep on keepin on... we don't have to 'take on' everyones problems, just simply be there for them... that's what this sight is about... being supportive... sending hugs... it's simple, it only takes a few seconds... and we DO have that to give each other.... love to you all.
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I have been overwhelmed over the last few days reading all the posts n thinking about all of u who r going thru some very difficult times. I dont even kno what to say to each of u...i'm at a loss. Please kno that i love u all, n pray for each n every one of u...everyday. Sometimes, there are jst kno words to be said that can comfort wen someone is suffering, but to kno that u r loved n thought of each day, can be comfort enough. Ur all such wonderful n courageous women, that give all of urselves for those u love. Each one of u is an inspiration to me n r greatly admired. Stay strong..
Much love, sisters....
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Ladee: I was looking for Book today on various sights. Went to her wall, but it was closed. I think her last post was on this thread, 37 hours ago. I thought maybe an electrical issue at her house or maybe she went to her sisters. I am sending many prayers her way and hope she will be back with us at any moment. Cat.
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Don't know how many of you may have received wall posts from Bookworm today, but she is taking a break... please send many prayers for this couregous young woman who needs us even if she isn't posting... she will not receive messages on her wall, so be thinking of her, and praying for her.... I hate our jobs sometimes and what it does to us as humans......
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Notlike, my heart is hurting for you.... no matter who we are and what we are dealing with, with help or no help.... it is heartbreaking for us on some days... it's just so much larger than us, maybe that's why we are on this sight, so that 'many' hearts can get us thru this....
And I know you would never say this, but I will, how absolutely unfair that mom is the one that got sick and now she's fine, well, sort of, and your dad, whom you love and cherish is the sick one... and how do you look him in the eye... you just do it, and you let the love show, not the powerlessness,not the uglyness of it all, but the love, the respect you have for your dad.... you don't feel sorry for him, he has his dignity, wetting pants is not the end all of pride.... you share with him this is part of it.... only a part, and that WHO he is has nothing to do with what is happening to him..... ya'll stay focused on the man, not the disease.... and do not let the embarrasment of it be more powerful than your love for him.... am sending you a Texas sized Kleenex, and lots of hugs and angels.... love ya girl, and wish I was there....
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I was already trying not to cry before I started reading all the posts. I just put Dad's urine soaked pants and underwear into the washer for him. He had a bladder treatment today for the cancer, and now he couldn't make it to the bathroom in time to urinate, much less poop. How do I look him in the eye and say this won't get better? That this is not going away? That there is no magic cure or fix? that I'm so sorry Mom got sick, they had to move here, and now he's sicker than she is on a daily basis?
Some of you started this journey with guilt or duty, just like I did. Stormy, Book, many others...I don't know how to do this in a healthy way. I only know how to keep at it and try not to fall apart. I think about the end of this, because the middle is just too depressing. I don't know how so many of you have been at this for years. It's been 11 months for me and I feel like we take two steps back for every step forward with their health.
My heart breaks for each and every one of you/us who is being used, abused, and used up. The tears I cry are not only for me, they are for all of us. Hold tight, my friends, because together we are stronger than we are apart. Your joys are my joys, and your sorrows are my sorrows. Somehow, we are all in this together. And that alone makes it more bearable for me.
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Everybody has a lot to deal w here. I am trying to catch up. BW I am so glad u held off on the electrical stuff. Brother better get that tool, sounds like a tester that checks to see if the wire is hot, or hooked up wrong-then u know what part is wrong. He should have one of these, or be able to borrow one easily-DARN HIM. I'm w Judy, was hoping u'd find it in u to get out of there. Just because this is what u r used to, does Not make it ok. OK? U r making big gains from when u 1st came here, we know u will keep going! Make ur plans for Sunday n GO, when sun comes. Show that family w ACTIONS, not words. Yes, drag stuff to bro's house n interfere w SIL's life, stove n mealtime n let her get ur brother up n going on getting stuff fixed. Take ur food there and tell her she will need to cook it while u work, since u can't use stove. Surely she can make a bigger pot of food?? All of u others-my heart breaks for u too. We have to find what it is we have to have for our lives to be right for us. I know this is so hard, but is better for us than becoming crispy fritters w nothing left. Praying for all of you. Cat, glad to here dad is becoming more responsive w u. Hope you have more of these moments together. Well, gotta run, hugs n prayers to you all& may everyone. find a helmet, avoid poop, and have prayers answered, a moment of of fun and whatever else u may need... Kimbee
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Stormy please give the support group a chance one I went to was started by a lady whose husband had died of cancer and she started first by suppling books and such to our hospital cancer unit and then got the support group going -you only have to tell what you feel omfortable telling in the group and I gained a good friend -another nurse like me and both of us had difficult husbands and we called each other for friendship and support during the week and at times had lunch together she has since moved into senior housing a distance away and now has a gentlemen friend from that complex but we did stay friends for a good long time. The person running it I feel was a social work student and she was not very good and it was only for a few weeks and she really was not invested in it but the ladies were allowed to talk and cry and whatever they needed. The one I am in now has one other former caregiver and the rest are men and women who are caregivers and one man who's daughter oversee's his activities even though he lives alone in Sr. Housing-he cane into the meeting because he felt left out. It is run by two social workers whoare also caregivers and it is a good group except they limit it to our county but it is good because I know a lot about nursing homes because the husband was in two for stays and three hospitals over 16 times the last few years also I have a friend in an AL and another in another NH-rehab facility so I can use my experience and I use some tips without name from what I have learned from here-so I would hope you at least try one meeting you do not have to go back if it is not a good experience.
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