The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Oh, jeez, Cara, not a good way to start the morning at all. Ugh. Do you think its necessarily the end of the marriage if you go back to your own house and stay there all week instead of G-pa's? It may just be that your husband needs to get a grip on the situation before he can talk about it. Sometimes my husband is like that - he needs to absorb it all and think about it before he makes any decisions, especially if its something he's got an emotional stake in. He's so rational and I'm so emotional. Sometimes we complement each other....sometimes, not so much. You sound like you've reached your last straw, so maybe a little time away is a good thing. Its so hard to say - only you would know if distance will either help or make it worse. I wish you could run to my house to sit and have a cup of coffee and vent. Keep us updated.

Cat- You are right, I feel like everyone else is having a say-so in my life except me. I'm just doing what everyone else wants me to do. When hubby and i are planning on doing things he says sometimes, do you need to ask permission from your sister? It makes me mad when he says this, but i do feel that is what i am doing, asking her permission. She never had any kids cause i think she was thinking she would be taking care of mom and dad in their old age. And she was fine with that, that is what she wanted to do for them, it was her decision. And i think she thought that if she had a child that would get in the way of her doing that. I never had that desire to be a caregiver, now don't get me wrong if my mom was still alive and she needed me to be her caregiver i would be there with everything i had because we had a totally different relationship than my father and i . She was my best friend and we could talk about anything together. We were as close as two could be. It was the same way with my sis and my mom. We just loved her so so much. The relationship with me and my mom and dad are like night and day. So again you right and i do appreciate your advice. Love you stormyy
Ladee- You know the other day i looked up a caregiver's support group and when it was being held. It's the first thursday in the month. I still am keeping it in mind. I think one day I will probably have to go to one to keep my sanity. Not sure how one of those things work cause i have never been to one before. I don't know if it is something that is a one on one thing or with a bunch of other people. I know i would be more comfortable with a one on one type session. Then i think i would feel like i could just let it all come flying out of me. If it is a group thing then i would feel like holding back on my feelings. Lord, if i went to one of those sessions i probably would never shut up and they would have to kick me outta there and i probably would still be talking while they were kicking me out!!! And the thing about brother dear. I do wish that it was me not having to deal with all this stuff with dad. He is doing exactly what i wish i was doing. Just having no part in the caregiving. But i know how sis talks about him and him not doing his part and when she vents to me about him i am thinking, yes i wish it was me instead of him. Then i'm sure she would be talking shit about me. And how everyone has abandoned dad. And all that he has done for us all. And all the long hours he worked to provide for us. Yes, he did work long hours. But dad worked long hours cause he wanted to. He was a workaholic up until he got sick. And when we all turned 16 we all worked long hours too, 12 hour days if not in school. This was at our family grocery business. So yes he has provided well for us but in the end you know what we are going to have to show for it, is a lump of money. Money is alot but it's not everything. And i would not trade all the money in the world for the relationship i had with my mom. It meant that much more to me. Dad i think thought that if he had enough money then maybe he could buy our love hell i don't know. I have just always felt like he cared more about the almighty dollar than he has us kids. Thanks Ladee for understanding my feelings and for being by my side and caring enough to give me advice, feedback and pushing me to get some type of support that i feel i will eventually have to seek out. I feel closer to you girls than i do my own sister right now. I love you!
Zannie- I never thought that when dad got sick that this would be going on for years that thought just never entered my brain. Maybe a few weeks. If i had known beforehand i probably would have took off running saying hell NOOOOOOOOO!!! If someone would have told me we would be doing this for years. We were so blindsided. We just had no idea that it would come to all of this. Well i guess i better go so i can go to dads and start another lovely day. Thank you for your response and advice Zannie. Love and hugs to you all Stormyyy

Well, I thought I'd give it one more shot. So, Labor Day evening I came back with my husband to G-Pa's house. I told him I'd try to stay till Friday when we always go back home on week-ends to our own home.
Today I got up to use the bathroom before G-Pa got back in there (there is only one BR here) and I guess that shot my resolve! I forgot to put my flip-flops on and darn if I didn't step in a lump of poop he left on the rug!!! I am thoroughly discgusted now. That's it! I'm out of here. Let the step-son deal with it ALL!
I did NOT clean it up this time like I used to without saying a word to the old guy. I DID however scrub my foot, :-P thought I was gonna hurl. This guy needs to be in a home somewhere or if he wants to, he can just live in his own filth.

I tried to talk to my husband over the week-end and he will not talk to me about ANYTHING important to me, nothing! Looks like the marriage is over as well. I kept trying to give it another chance. But I feel nothing for my husband but anger. I still can't believe he'd rather pay a professional to talk to me than talk to me himself.

So, that's it 43 years of hell for nothing! Time to check into financials so I find out what my rights are.

Thanks again for being here. You all are great. Hope your week turns out better than mine. :-(

Cara

That was what a therapist told -me just what you said when I complained no one else seemed to care how hard it was to care for the husband who did say all the time that he hated and I think it was true he proved that during his last two days before he died by not responding to me but did to other and the same as he had when he supposely was in a coma then the only time he responed to me is when I said lunch is here when he was get special IV'S for nourisment he opened his eyes-she said no one was going to rescue me-at first I was real mad with her but realized it was true then I decided he needed to be placed and the whole staff at our family meeting said of course it is too much for you-this was years into my hell and accepting his bad behaivor-I thought he might apoligize just before he died when he was alert but it did not happen.

Stormy, you have been doing an amazing job, and any feelings of resentment are so very normal. We are all caregivers because the only other choice we have is to walk away from someone when they are helpless and in need. Even when we start doing caregiving out of love for the person in need, we are only human and feelings of resentment are bound to creep in when our own lives are gradually destroyed because we were kind enough to try to help. caregivers fall into their role not out of choice, but out of the need of another. We step up to the plate and yet soon realize it is more then anyone can personally do day after day. The anger and resentments accumulate even when you love the person you are caring for. When you do not love the person the job of caregiving is even more draining. In either case though the job is daunting! Depression is anger turned inward when you are trapped and have limited choices. I hope you can find even small ways to give back to yourself - as I have come to realize myself, it is me who will have to save me .. . . And that may be stealing hours for yourself in anyway you can. Even my husband who loves me has his limits of how much he can stand in terms of trying to help my mother at this stage in her life. My siblings say they love my mother, but they say words without actions of any tangible help. They do not have to watch my mothers suffering day after day. They are just relieved that they don't have the primary (Or any) responsibility.......and I do. So what I am trying to say here is that all you really have is yourself to protect yourself, and that may be that you have to lie once in awhile to carve out a few minutes for yourself, as was suggested by 195Austin. You owe it to yourself, and to your darling little boy, to get yourself through this. Dont feel guilty if you sneak some time out, it may be your only way to survive this. With love and hugs to you!

There ya go Raeray.... keep on keepin on... and old hippie huh!!!! Good for you... dance until you can't.....

This whole caregiving things sucks sometimes... but it is what it is.... so we do it, we laugh, we cry, we bitch, we complain, and sometimes we dance.... you have many pesonal issues, so thanks for sharing how you 'do it anyway'... sorry you hurt so bad... makes it even harder...
Hope you come back and visit, I feel a bright light shining off of you, we need that... and welcome..... hugs across the miles to you....

ladee, i am so glad u talked about your lady Ruth's UTI and behavior change . my mother has a catheter since she is not ambulatory and has to take lasix . she is prone to UTIs and her nurse and i get into it when i notice sediment and her sleeping long hours and being confused . and twice it turned out i was right . all of us should watch for behavior changes in people prone to UTIs . well, this nurse isnt coming back .
i take care of both my parents but my dad is mobile and drives and cooks . my mother hasnt walked more than a couple of steps, to use her bedside commode, in the last 3yrs or more . i myself have major spine and nerve damage and take a host of pain meds . some days r better than others .i read a lot and that has been my form of escapism my entire life . i also listen to music and dance by myself . my son calls me an old hippie . sometimes when he's home we watch dvd's he bought and he has a wicked sense of humor, so we laugh a lot . i have a couple of good friends and they come over and hang out with me .also my sons friends r in and out of the house, so there is constant interaction .
on bad days, esp when ive been up all nite and my legs and back r killing me and i have to keep doing what i have to do, i get blue . im bi polar too, so sometimes i feel like screaming but that wont get me any where . so i hole up in my room, listen to sad music and feel sorry for myself , but reality is just outside my door, so i have to clean up, put on some perfume and lipstick and tell myself im the most awesome person, grit my teeth and get back to the world of the living .
i hope this is helpful . it was cathartic for me . thankyou .

Stormy, when I think of you when you first started posting... It's hard to beleive you are the same person... you have come a long long way.... A long way... never before would you have had the courage to say what was on your mind and how angry and resentful you are... and to me that is awesome progress... at least now Stormy is saying how SHE feels, and it is a damned catch 22 here for you....
So if you can't do anything about it, and I DO understand the situation you are in... then maybe we can help you to accept things as they are.... you are wearing yourself out resenting something that can't be changed.... you CAN make a stand about getting some paid help in there, that is a compromise you are willing to make.... I understand your loyalty to your sister, tho ya'lls' relationship has suffered because of a choice SHE made.... I get it that you don't want to abondon her, but I am going to suggest again, that you get some counseling to help you understand the sacrifices you are making, and how to accept them or make some changes... we are frustrated FOR you, not with you.... it's easy for us to set here and tell you how to do things, but we aren't walking in your shoes... we aren't in your family dynamics....
And it's easy for you to see what your brothers choices are as 'abondonment', but there is a possiblity he is doing what you wish you were doing... he simply made different choices and is being labeled as something possibly he's not... maybe he's more clear that this is your sister's choice... her commintment, and she had no right to volunteer you and your brother for HER choice... you are making the best of a bad situation.... and I applaud you for that....but I can also understand your brothers position too... I chose NOT to do as my sister THOUGHT I should and was ,and still am being made out to be the bad guy.....That is the consequences I am willing to pay to not be manipulated and badgered and guilted into doing something I was not going to do.... and there always has to be one family member to be 'blamed'.... well kudos to your brother... I think you are not so angry that he isn't doing his part, as you are that he was able to make a different choice and stand by it.....
I am just trying to give you a different perspective on how people choose to do things.... I also think so much of your anger is at yourself for not being able to tell your sister that you personally will pay to have someone come in, because you are loosing your mind over all this....
I know you miss your mom more than words can express, you are probably a little mad at her to for not being around to help take this burden off of you.... and you keep coming here and telling us how you feel... it's not good to stuff it and you know it, so I am very proud of you for your honesty and will also point out how much you've grown since you first started posting... it is so hard for you to see any progress because of all the negative feelings you have.... but I AM proud of you... this is your journey, and we can be here to support you, to encourge you to get some professional help with this... but understand also that we care about you and are throwing out ideas for you to get out of the mess you are in... and at some point you will have to choose YOU...... and deal with all the damned guilt and all the other crap sisters can dish out.... but if you had some counseling, you would better be able to deal with it... so we will continure to honor you, and your situation, but we will also continue to encourge you to do something for yourself... not just Conner, but for Stormy.....just some things for you to think about... because nothing changes if nothing changes... you do have the power to figure out some compromise here that won't leave you feeling guilty for abondoning your sister....which you really aren't doing... but she has you convinced that is the word that has the most power to keep you stuck....your sister never had kids... she has no idea how to be empathetic to your need to be with your child... she is who your dad wanted her to be... well, Stormy is a different person... with diffirent needs and goals in her life.... but you have to figure that out for yourself... we have all been in situations similar to yours, if not caregiving , then other life lessons.... where we had to make a choice..... because when it's all said and done... if you aren't going to have feelings of gratitude, of good self esteem, of pride that you stuck with it, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons.... that's all we are trying to say.... and it is going to take courage for this to change... you have that courage, you just don't know that you do... courage is simple feeling fear and doing the right thing for the right reasons anyway....sorry if this doesn't make sense to us that you will end up hating yourself to keep your sister happy.... that's what we see and hear... and there is no pressure from us to do it different and granted you did NOT ask for feedback... but if we didn't care, we wouldn't bother.... so some things for you to think about... you don't have to take any action... just think about it.....I hope you know you are loved and we do honor what has life has handed you.... and we want you to be happy also... but you are the only one that can get you out of this with your head held high... love and hugs to you Stormygirl..... we do love ya...

Judy: Got a mirror and checked. Don't seen anything hanging. At least nothing that looks like balls. Reminds me of an old joke, Question: "Do you smoke after sex? Answer: "I don't know, I never looked."

Listen Stormy: The book of your life is being written. You can be the author or your sister can be the author. Or your sister and brother can be the author. Or they and your dad can be the author. The point is, it's your life so don't let others write the chapters for you.l

I know you love your sister, but she is making choices for you and Conner. She doesn't have that right. If the choices she makes for you are not to your liking and deprive you of the life you want, you really should say NO. No one should make your decisions except you.

Truthfully, Stormy, as I see it: If this whole house of cards came down, your sister would find a way to survive and your dad would get the treatment he needs. Your sis has working skills and she might find that life is better instead of worse. She could start over, get some help with her husband's care and move on to a real life and quite hanging on to the potential money. It's not your responsibility to live her life for her. Not going to say anymore....at least for a few days.

Love you, Cat

Burned- My prayers are with you that everything will turn out ok and that whatever this is will blow over. Love and hugs stormyy
Cat- I don't think you have offended anyone here, you haven't offended me. I wish I could tell my sis that I was no longer helping with dad. You don't know how bad I just want to quit going over there and seeing him. But i know sis already feels abandon by our brother, hell i feel abandon by him. And if i told her i was no longer helping with dad i know she would feel the same way towards me. I am going over there to dads everyday for HER not for him. She would be pissed at me for saying that cause she thinks i should be staying for dad. But i am not. I think back at my life 2 1/2 years ago and how different it is now compared to then. Not just the caregiving part but the relationships with my sister,brother and my dad. I have resentment towards all of them now that i didn't have 2 1/2 years ago. Resentment towards my brother for not helping out more, and for sis not hearing my cries for help when i sat down and told her that i couldn't stay with dad the 12 hour days. She just didnt do anything, didn't try to find someone to help out until it was almost to late. I finally called her crying telling her that i was scared i was going to hurt myself or dad and then a light finally went off in her head like shit i need to find someone to take care of dad. She let it go on for three more months before i told her this. I took a week off of caregiving and we got a lady in helping us. I cried that whole week cause i felt like a failure that i could not keep doing it. I felt like i let her down. And that hurt me more than anything to just think that. And hell I'm mad at dad for not having the balls to say stormy's got a small child to think about; let's hire someone to come in and do whatever needs to be done. I would have alot more respect for him for saying that. But he would never say that cause it's all about the money. Granted we will get the money when and if he ever dies. But i would give up my share if i didn't have to go back to that house. I am just so done with them all. Hubby keeps talking about in 8 more years we can move to the mountains, hell i am ready to go now. Before you couldn't get me to move to the mountains now i am ready to pack my glad rags and just go to get away from my whole family. How sad is that? Love and hugs to all Stormyyy

Bookworm, it is not to weak to show emotions for you have your plate runnith over n some n this is what they may need to see from you! Vent, cry, shot at those sorry ass family members n breathe for yourself. You can only do so much for you r only one person. Try not to take dad so seriouly for maybe he was just scared n of course, you r the only one their for him to take it out on. Not saying that is fair but maybe that is what was going through his mind. I hope you stay with the fave sis for a night or two so they have to the sil to help out for a freaking change. Maybe then when u ask for some help they will be at your door asking what they can do to help out. Maybe. Hang in their for I am so sorry you are having to deal with this all by yourself. I am crossing my finger hoping to hear that they r going to help you. Please keep us posted.

Cat, I'm thinking you might have testicles (just do a little check, will ya?). You have the nerve to say what I'm sure others are thinking.

Stormy: You have your limits and in some ways you are blessed to know you are reaching the end of your rope. You have had to give up a lot to be with your dad. Either you have had to take your baby child there or place him in day care so you can be with your dad.

I'm going to say something and I hope I don't offend anyone. Especially Bookworm who I absolutely love and admire. Stormy, you can't look at Bookworm's life and equate it to yours. Book has been used by her family since the day she was born. She is a victim in so many ways and she has been held captive by her siblings and parents. Book is someone that endures more suffering than anyone I have encountered on AC. We all agree that we don't know how she does it, but you can't look at her life and try to take inspiration from it in as much as you should be doing more. No, that's not the way it works. Book should be doing less and I wish we could all fly to Guam, jump out of a plane, kidnap Book and bring her back to the states.

Shit, she could live with me. We need to do our best to support Book and LET HER KNOW that there really is another life for her. She does not have to be the scapegoat for her parents and sibs. She deserves a million times better.

Stormy, you deserve better too. Here's what you do. Tell your sis that you are no longer going to be taking care of your dad. Tell her that as of December lst, you are done. She can check into what Medicaid can offer or not, but you are done. Dad can accept the care of the person he would not prefer, or not. You are done.

At some point, we all have a right to say no more. Stormy, you dad needs a lot of care. He could get that in a facility. Your Conner needs the mom who so desperately wants to be with him. He is a child growing up and his confidence and values are being formed at this time. Your dad is an old man who has had a great life and is in decline. Which one do you want to nurture.

You can't save your dad, but you can visit him and be an advocate for his care. If he feels that you should be by his side everyday to the loss of your child, then he is not thinking right.

I'm sorry to sound like such a cold hearted bitch about this, but there comes a time when you know it's not right. There comes a time when the honest recognition of the commandment to honoring parents and balancing that recognition with the fact that you have been an abused tool for umpteen years deserves consideration.

Book: Your dad has always been unkind to you. Your mom was never really a mom. Maybe it was a mental illness combined with Alz. Who really knows. What I know it that it wasn't your fault. I know you are thinking about this and I know that you have no idea of what you would be if you could not define yourself as your parents caregiver. What a huge challenge that is for you. You have spent your life at the mercy of what your parents offered, which was very little to you as a child. Book, you are not a child anymore. You have an abundance of siblings who will inherit the land and houses your parents own.....and this does not include you. You are a shining star and worthy of respect and love. We love and respect you, each and every one of us. No one can save you, however, from more years of unpaid and unsupported servitude. Only you can do that. I know it's hard and I am not asking you to make any decisions right now, but I am asking you to think about it. I know your dad speaks and he is mean. Does your mom ever speak. Do you think she even knows that she is alive? Are you just tending to a body that nobody inhabits? Would she be happier to be beyond this continuing necessity to keep the body alive?

I apologize for this post. I could delete it, but I'm not going to do it. There are some things to think about here and some responses would be a good balance. I just think, at certain times, there is a good word to be said about the rights of the living, their futures and in Stormy's case her child.

Cat.

Burned: You do your best to make a path for your life, take care of your children and your husband. Whatever has happened, my heart breaks for you. I hope it is not as bad as it sounds right now. You are a strong person. Life is there for you, but it may not go down the straight path we all hope we can control. It takes twists and turns. We are challenged always and stretched to our maximum. I am sending you heartfelt love and white light on this journey called your life. You are a good person, doing your best. When you are ready, we are here for you. Love, Cat.

Burned I am so sorry -you will be in my prayers and I hope you can feel my love and consern being sent to you.

BTW I have not committed any wrong doing but to whoever is watching thinks I am and well...none of it is true but once its done I will express more on the issue but i feel so alone.

I am at a standstill and I do not know what to do .....anymore....I cannot go into details until I see what happens on tuesday at least. I am at my wits end but looks like I am about to lose my family because of spurious allegations and a few other things I am not gonna get into right now...all I can say is pray for my family. I feel like dying because i am good person and i am constantly being targeted and now i feel like a criminal...if I could only say I would but won't until sometime later if I am able just seriously pls keep us in ur prayers.

Austin- I know i used to read alot and i really enjoyed it, cause it was a way of escape from my world of caregiving. And i have thought about picking a book back up. Just for that reason/ to escape.... So that might be something i do soon. I get so stressed out when it is time to leave at the end of the day over there especially on the weekends. Cause i feel i have to think up some excuse to tell him why i've got to leave. So most of the time i feed him let his blood sugar go up some so he will get sleepy and then i l check his sugar, give him his insulin and leave a note of excuse or lie.
Judy- Thank You it has been difficult trying to take care of dad and then having to take care of a little one. Connor will be 6 in nov. he was 3 when all of this with dad started and at that time i was staying with dad 12 hour days with a 3 yr old to have to contend with also. It was very trying to say the least. To try to meet dads needs and also a 3 yr olds. I still to this day do not know how i did that. I know somedays i think that if it were not for connor i would just leave and never come back. I know I would rather someone beat me to a pulp to have to go over there. So i understand about the slitting of the throat thing on the drive over there. Me too!!!! Love and hugs stormyyy

Cara, I don't have one of those grabber things, but I do a lot with a long handled pasta scoop - you know one of those ladel looking things with teeth for grabbing noodes? I can pull all kinds of stuff down from cabinets with it, just not pick anything up from the floor. Bending is probably good for me anyway as long as I find a helmet for retrieving anything under or near the breakfast bar. Grace was never a nickname for me.

Stormy, I feel for you. I just do a few days a week with my parents and I'm ready to slit my own throat on the drive over there sometimes, I get so resentful. There's no love there. Its purely obligation on my part. So, while you're looking at Bookworm, thinking she's amazing, and she is, no doubt about that - the woman is a flippin superhero - I look at what you do, while raising a young child too, and I think you're amazing. Don't beat yourself up for being resentful, I think its just part of the deal. Give yourself a pat on the back, because if I was with you right now, I'd give you a few. And a hug.

Stormy would you be able to cut the time with your father down by say one/half hr on each end and maybe get a book to start reading you really need me time-since he does not appreciate all you do for him as it is I would be tempted to say I had to leave earlier for the next two weeks and keep adding a few min every once in a while-maybe being abusded so long with the husband makes me more pushy I do not know but I do know what I will not stand for anymore-our director of our senior center is now on my last nerve for sure and I am finding a way to not tolerate her any more than I want to at this point.

Hi everyone I hope all of ya'll are doing ok. Sorry i haven't been on here much lately. Just keeping things bottled up i guess. Same feelings, different day. Just wish for it all to end. Tired of waking up and going to bed with the same thoughts of "How long will this last?" or "How long will i last without cracking?" If i never had to go back to that house again it would be too soon. I just dread it with every fiber of my being. I daydream about the day that it all ends and a smile comes across my face because that is the day i will feel free again. I know to some this sounds harsh but this is the only place i feel i can be truthful and honest and every once in a while i have to bare my soul to make it to the next day. Dad said something to me the other day and i was already in a bitchy mood to start with and it just pissed me off. Connor has started school as most of you know and i have to leave from dads earlier to go pick him up from school. Thank God! I have to leave at 2:00 to go get him. Whereas before i was leaving at 4:00 to pick him up from daycare. Well a few days had passed that i was leaving at 2 and dad asked me this: "Have you got to pick up Connor today at 2?" I said, "Yes". He said, "Is this going to be everyday?" and i said, "Yes". He said, "For the whole school year?" and i said, "Yes". And i wanted to tell yes for the next 5 years he is going to be getting out at 2:00 so get used to it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh i was so mad. I called sis and told her what he said I did not act mad I just told her that we might need to get the lady that used to sit with him to come back and stay with him some. Oh he would love that!!! NOT. If its not me or my sister staying with him then he don't want them. I mean i am staying the same amount of hours with him that i was when connor was in daycare cause i am getting to his house earlier cause connor has to be at school earlier than at daycare and i have to get to dads earlier to get all the stuff done to him before i leave to get connor. So what's the difference. If he wants a babysitter then he should hire one!!! Just so fed up with him. I know i am not over there as long as it could be or as long as i used to have to stay over there but a hour over there is too long for me. That's how fed up i am with this mess. I look at bookworm and i think she is a inspiration to me and to all of us for looking after her parents for 23 years and a abusive parent on top of that and i wonder how does she do it. I am in awe of her for putting up with it all. I wish i had it in me to do that but i know i do not. Thanks for letting me vent and spill my guts to you all. Love and hugs Stormyy

Bookworm, I'm not sure how far I will go. Here's the problem. Our son lives in her house. He doesn't have a job and works hit and miss managing to buy groceries and keep gas in his truck. He's behind on child support and utilities. If she goes into a nursing home past the 28 days, Medicaid wants her house to pay for her care. Our son then has no home. I'm mad at my husband and myself for enabling our son to live like this. That seems like a simple explanation, but it's so much more complicated than this.

I don't know how many times she can stay in a nursing home for 28 days at a time. What is the time period she can stay out before being placed in one again? If only my husband wouldn't take her out before the 28 days expire like he did before. I needed the other 9 days he shorted me.

If she gets so combative it causes me bodily harm, he will have to do something and it may involve restraining her in some way. I don't know. When she hits him, he will probably do something. Nancy tells me of other elders in their family who fought in their later years and actually got violent. Maybe she is just following suit.

Maybe it's how far I am willing to go for my son. My husband put me in this position and I had no idea it would involve our son down the line.

My husband says he wakes up every time I do. I think it's about 95%. But last night it was all seven times. On the seventh time, he put his arm across me to keep me from getting up and said, I'll get this one. Shock of all shocks! He went into her room and said angrily "Just what.is it that you need?" She said "Nothing, Baby." So he told her to turn the damned light off and go back to sleep! And she said, "Oh, OK". Maybe if he had done that sooner, we could have had a better night's sleep. I do know he had a bad night. His eyes looked awful this morning.

Hey Judy, maybe you should use one of those grabber thingys. I got one after my last back surgery. I need another one now so I've been using my monkey feet to pick stuff up lately. I really enjoyed your comments today. I almost peed myself laughing too. :-)

Bookworm, sorry to hear of your difficult day. Many hugs to you, and give yourself a big one from all of us here. - just wrap those arms around yourself and give yourself a big squeeze and a pat on the back for being the kindest and best person anyone could be!

Bookworm, you sound like a powerful lady this morning. You sound great, considering the crap you went through yesterday. I'm psyched you're getting some help, but honestly, I was rooting for you to pack up and leave the whole mess in someone else's lap and let someone else feel the brunt of what you do, day in and day out. Nothing like learning about someone by walking in their shoes. I'm relieved you'll have Sundays free, at least. I got out of bed this morning, thinking about coming to this thread, wondering how in the world you were today.
Funnier... What the heck are you going to do? Can you just fake sleep so that your husband can get up with his dearest mother 7 times at night? Tell him your back hurts too much to move out of bed? And, I agree with Bookworm, maybe you should start taking naps and playing your mil's game with her. Or, just look her in the eye and tell her how you really feel about her. Maybe you could tell your husband how exhausted and disgusted you are and ask him to take care of his OWN mother for a night or two. Maybe if your behaviors change - like you need naps, like you refuse to get up with her, like meals aren't made, the house goes haywire, your husband will get the reality of it all. Right now, he lets you get up and handle it. He isn't being put out much at all. Time for that to change. Go stay with a girlfriend or a sister for a night or two and see how he feels. It seems to me, that the present situation is great for both him and his mother.

ok u did tell hubby. But please tell him again and explain it will get worse. Question to you: how far will u go for your husband? Willing to b abused? Meditate on scenarios, how u react, etc.. it will get worse.

Funnier, I have suffered and still get punched by my bedridden father. May I ask if you Told your Husband that she hit you? I hope you did. This is something you must not keep from him.

Next, from a person who has been physically, emotionally and other kinds of abused done to me....You need to nip this physical abuse in the bud. If you don't, IT WILL ESCALATE! There is No IF or ANDS or BUTS about it. You and your husband must accept it and that it WILL get worse. Right now, she is TESTING you. Just like all abusers, when they hit you, they will see how you respond. If you take it lying down, they will treat you like sh*t.

My father always punched me on my head, face. It got to the point that he moved up to trying to Choke me. I have never just stood there and took it. When he hits me, I hit him back (shocked him the 1st time I did that.) When he tried to choke me, I positioned my body sideways, swunt my right arm back with a fist and I was going to put all my weight into that punch. His hands stopped about 1 feet from my throat. It will escalate.

By the way, the next time she gets you up 7 times, YOU wake up that husband of yours. This is his mother, he might as well wake up for every time you wake up. and the next time mil asks you if you slept good, YOU WILL LIE TO HER. Why? This is a power game she is doing to you!! You Quit Reacting To Her! So, when she asks you that question, You Will Say, with a SMILE, "Yes I did!" and you walk away. Trust me, Funnier, this will drive Her Crazy!!

She is attacking you in your home and treating you like BS because you react the way she expected you. This is your home. You need to learn to fight back with her sneakily!

Nap time? Power naps are wonderful! You get your alarm clock (2 if you have) AND your Cell phone and set the alarm...in case you can't wake up. First alarm, set for 15min. 2nd alarm, for 20min. Cell phone for 25min with a SNOOZE.

You need to fight her your way! Stop reacting to HERS! Funnier, you need to do this because her treatment is ESCALATING!! Please try, okay????? HUGS to you!!!

MIL hit me last night. I wanted to choke her, but I didn't, of course. She had already awakened me for potty call a couple of times and just sat there and farted. Then peed and filled her Depends up. Nothing is getting into the urine pouch. Her bladder is doing the spasm dance because she won't dring enough fluids. I keep telling her that. I have two Depends left and then I have to use adult diapers. She hates that and so do I. She woke me up seven times last night either looking for the TV remote she drops on the floor a lot, or trying to turn the non-existent radio off with her hospital bed controls, or turning her light on so "all those people" can find their way out of the dark room. She was looking for the remote control to turn the TV off (it wasn't even on) and I found it on the floor, but I told her the TV was already off and I didn't want her to turn it on. It was 3:30 AM. I touched her thigh when I told her this so she would look at me. She hauled off and gave me a left-handed slam on my left arm and told me to get out of her room. I left and woke hubby up and told him this, but I don't think he understood a word I said.

She talks in her sleep a lot and got my husband awake several times and he's nearly deaf. He won't wear his hearing aids--they make his ears sweat. But when she talks so loud to make him wake up, that's loud. She scolded my grandson unmercifully last night. Finally, hubby got up and took her sugar and blood pressure. He thought her sugar must have gone really low for her to be having such a rough night. Her sugar was only 144 and her BP was 144/85, not too bad compared to other times.

She's catching up on her sleep right now. I'd take a nap, too, but if I go to sleep, I won't wake up.

It's really odd she can be so angry as to hit me and when he comes into the room she is a honey dripping angel. He told her this morning she woke me up 7 times during the night and she didn't have much to say, but when I took her breakfast in to her and she asked me if I slept good, I said "Are you kidding? You woke me up 7 times last night" She said, "I don't believe you.

When I told her she woke me up