This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I will also take my sis' offer to pay for a caregiver for Sundays.
I can't believe I was actually looking forward to caregiving parents after a hectic week at work!!!! Be careful what you wish for....
Thank you all for the encouragement and funnies. Time to do caregiver duties. My ice cream is calling me....
..... I am nothing to him but a daughter he gave birth in order to care for them in their old age. This morning, in our argument, I asked what about ME? When I get to be their age, who will care for me? He just gave me a blank look. Same old arguments all the time. But, this time, I'm stronger - thru this site. I did have the meltdown but not the suicide thoughts that I usually get. So, I am getting stronger - thru this site.....
.....I stopped by the grocery store on the way home. I ran out of my comfort food (Neopolitan ice cream) and a new bottle of chocolate syrup. Since socket is still not fixed, I got a loaf of bread for sis to eat tomorrow. She will just have to have sandwich for lunch. :( I rarely buy lunch. I budget in my paycheck $5/lunch for every day for 2 weeks. When i don't spend it, I use it for whatever I want - like extra cash. Well, I will use my lunch money tomorrow to buy us dinner. I refuse to have sandwich for dinner!.....
.......Bro stopped by. He said that I'm still missing a multi something...Anyway, he's suppose to buy it before he does the socket. Most likely it will be on hold until the weekend...
......Notlike, I will be needing the stove to sanitize mom's oxygen canisters. I will do as you suggested. It's a 30min. process. I think I will take my pans, distilled water, vinegar and book to read at their house while sanitizing it. Meanwhile, they will have to send someone to the house to babysit parents....
.....Sis came over this afternoon. She felt bad. She said that she is willing to pay for a caregiver to come on Sundays. She brought us....pizza. I'm beginning to dislike pizza. We just had it for lunch. Can't wait to finish cleaning parents so that I can eat my ice cream. I'm not sharing with HIM. If he wants any, i will give him my yogurt. (I'm trying to eat healthy yogurt to off-set the no-no ice cream.)....
......Father just Ordered me to stop using the computer. He still doesn't get it. I snapped 2 sentences to him: "Don't tell me what to do! You haven't learn from this morning, have you?"
Ladee, no insult. I couldn't understand your term "grand gesture". Kept reading it trying to figure it out. Couldn't figure it out. My brother would have taken a loooong time to do it. I just didn't want to spend another day eating sandwiches. And I would be going back to work on Tuesday, and then oldest sis would have nothing to eat. I just figured the electricians would be off today being a holiday. Don't worry, Ladee. No matter what I Googled, that warning of Kimbee's kept popping up on my head. In the end, I would not have been able to do it...Hmm...I need to send Kimbee a HUG for THAT!
Seeme - as I was reading your comment, I almost thought it was Lildeb. The antics of your "babies" sounded just like her Lily!
No matter how teary eyed I was, I giggled about the Fried bookworm. I actually visualized it. Then it was even funnier with Seeme's "wet worm than a fried worm"! I started laughing. You guys are soooo crazy! And you sure know how to raise a person's spirit. Thanks!!!
It's almost 2pm. It's time to go home and face the music. I think we need to start thinking of getting a paid caregiver here. I prefer to just move out and let everyone fight over the house/land. Whoever wants it can stay and take care of the parents.
Fave sis says that I just need more help from next door. Next door (SIL) says that I should learn to get a thick skin and let dad's words not affect me. I just keep telling everyone that I can't take it anymore. They just won't accept it because that means THEY will have to get involved.
I need to talk to someone. I am willing to tell them that they can take over caring for the parents if it means they get the darn house/land. It's not going to me so I don't see why I should care. Dad has medicare. I just don't know anymore what to do. I just know that I'm so tired of being the one to think, worry, etc...but...I don't know anymore. I think I'm going into depression from the stress.
So, we have had family meetings. My mom's doctor even had a meeting with dad, myself and oldest bro that this is not a one-person job. That it takes the whole family to care for Alz mom. Bro didn't take it the advice. They never will because: IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEM!! But, the only way it WILL become their problem if the house/land becomes jeopardized.
I don't know who to talk to about the parents. I have proof with the caregiver respite that I'm suicidal. No problem there. I guess I can call social services and go from there.
Ladee-Older and wiser beats young and stupid any day. Hugs.
Zannie-You sound like a very caring daughter, one that has gotten caught up in feeling guilty for something you can't control. Even if you aren't with your Mom every minute, please realize that what you are doing is making her life so much better! You are a great advocate for her, and I'm sure she appreciates all that you do. And she wouldn't want you worrying when you are not there. Hugs.
Judy-I was LMAO and I think I got a headache just reading about you trying to get that pen! Much safer to leave it :)
Seeme and Lildeb-dogs, boobs, and bikes...oh my! Thanks for all the smiles.
Put up the September appointment calander and realized that Dad has 5 appts this month and Mom has 0. That's not how this was supposed to be. I feel for those of you whose parents are in worse shape than mine, and only hope I can handle it as well as you all do when I get to that point. (That was a compliment - you all amaze me!)
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
I get up at 6:15am, he was in a roll. He said with such meanness in his face and voice that I was a BAD DAUGHTER and that I HAVE to take care of them. I've had a stressfull weekend. I worry about everything: the house, feeding him without a stove/micro. I just had a meltdown. I told him that I'm NOT a bad daughter cuz he has 8 kids and I'm the only one here taking care of them. I don't HAVE to take care of them. It just went on and on. I was angry, I started crying. I never cry in front of people - a sign of weakness. One must never show weakness because they will go in for the kill. I tried calling brother, niece of next door - no one answered. I called fave sis, the minute she answered, I was venting, crying and saying I cannot take it anymore. Hung up and went to my room to cry it out. Got so angry, I started dressing up. I had to LEAVE NOW. I called sis and told her I'm leaving. Then I called SIL of next door. She finally answered and telling her at same time crying that I cannot take it anymore. I quit. We need to find someone to care for them because if we don't then I'm killing myself. I just can't take it anymore. I left the house with no one there. I got in my car and then SIL came out of their house. She tried to calm me ...I was just crying and crying. She didn't want me to leave until I calmed down.
Piss me off. Even while I'm crying, she kept going on and on how they know how hard it is for me. That I need to not take his words to heart. That I need to stand firm with him. Teach him a lesson..etc... Basically, I'm still on my own with dad. She just giving me a pep talk.
I cried while driving to fave sis. Terrible to cry when you're wearing eye glasses. I tried so hard not to cry while driving but it just kept falling. I left the house without feeding or changing their pampers.
I'm at sis right now. We're going shopping even though I don't feel like it. I'm still too teary once in a while.
To All, despite my meltdown, I was NOT SUICIDAL (compared to June incident.) Okay, there was a teeny tiny part of me that wanted to do it NOW. But it was just a tiny part...I'm fine for now...still too raw with emotions...
I will be back later ...about hours from now. I need to shore up myself for when I go home and change his mess of a pamper from last night. SIL will not change his pampers....
Bookworm, you know we all meant well for your safety for we all luv you tooooooooooooo much for we don't won't a fried-crispy bookworm. I personally don't care to be messing with electricity for it scares mess out of me n I am a pretty tuff little cookie. If your brother cannot help y'all can he at least send a friend of his over to help? maybe then he will have small gulity feeling to get some help for his parents too. Relatives!
Mnl slept in late today n I was getting a little worry myself. I had already gotten up in am n took my meds n made sure hubby took his. So, I went back to sleep for I think I have a head cold with sore throat. Again. When I got up it was almost noon! Went in their check on her make sure she didn't die on me n she got up. She was fine but then she told hubby that I must have giving her a sleeping pill or something for she don't sleep late like that. I like to fell over hearing such mess! Hubby told her she must had taking a sleeping pill herself. There is a story to this 'sleeping pill' mess. Mnl always thinks hubby has taking one if he takes a nap. don't matter if he don't matter if he had gotten up every morning at 6am n went to work all day. Of course, she never takes naps. Yeah right!
Anway, then she starts to cry because she slept late. Hubby n I quit with the sleeping pill stuff. We just told her that, her body was telling her she needed some extra rest. Everything began to sooth out okay. Well, hubby waits until I got up n to go for a 5mile bike ride. That would be great but I told him it was a bad idea for it was already 91 degrees! Of course, the apple don't fall far from the tree. He calls me about 30minuets later to pick him up for he didn't feel right. so, I am getting all the big dogs out of the house, grab my purse, yell at mnl get her butt out the door because she looking for a jacket. yes, I said jacket and the reason she wears a think jacket is because she is self-consciouness about her ass. At 80yr old, she is worry that people r going to look at her flat ass! Plus, she does wear it just in case we r going grocery shopping for she gets cold in the stores. I call hubby right back while we r heading out the door asking does he need to dial 911 while we were on r way but he said he was fine just to pick him up. Mnl is crying n scared for her son so I am having to calm down in order to calm her down. We finally find him n he still riding his bike! I wanted to kick his ass! he said that he was going to ride back home but that I may be mad at him. You think? duh! I did tell him that. he kept saying he didn't sweat any and that was a bit of concern. He had dranked his water n he looked fine. Thankfully, he was okay. He then points to a a few other people that r still riding the trail n that he could ride his bike back home which is another 5 more miles. So, I had to let him know that he was not 20 anymore, it was too freaking hot n if he was alright then why did he call me in the first place. I didn't won't to throw in the age thing but he made no sense n it was freaking hot outside not a breeze in site. The dummy already accidently took his medicine twice one night for he forgot that he had taken it. He called me to the bathroom n he was leaning up against the door n my short ass couldn't get it open for he had all his weight on it. He finally manage to open the door n got his balance again. I helped him to the bed n brought him some water for at the time I didn't know that he had taken his meds twice! He also had a tore up stomach so we wasn't sure if he had ate something that didn't agree with him.It wasn't unitl am that he told me about the meds. I would had called ER if I had known that he done that accidently. But, I checked his sugar, b/p and he said he was feeling better. So, the next very afternoon after he had told me, mnl, I and hubby went to get him a weekly pill box for am n pm. So, we r all back in gear once again. Oh, I had to call to make sure rugrat was doing okay too. Now, I need to make a call to check on my Dad. Anyway, that has been my week n weekend so far. I hope everyone else has a safe holiday.
MIL has to examine her poop to "see how much " she did. We keep track of everything that goes in and comes out of her and write down what it looks like. That's sick, but we've done it. Sometimes I want to use words like "huge" and "terribly smelly" "unbelievably large" and Ladee, you're right. How can someone eat so little and poop so much?? Go figure. I think she saves it up just for me. I know she does. She always poops before Nancy comes or after she leaves, and especially during the night.
She turned her TV on at 6:45 AM and had it so loud her deceased husband could hear it. I had to get up and ask her to turn it off, but I had to tell her that her BABY was still asleep before she would do it. When is she going to let this man grow up? My son became a man before he was 20. I call him Honey or Sweetheart, but not Baby.
Book, I didn't mean to sound ugly when I said 'grand gesture', man oh man, my mouth has been getting me in trouble lately... and I should have known you would Google it.... see, I'm just not thinking, but glad Kimbee scaired you in a good way so we won't be worried about having a fried Bookworm..... sorry if I hurt your feelings....
Might just need to take a break for awhile and get my mind centered in the things that make me happy, that bring love and compassion into the world.... love ya'll
Hopefully the excercises will help with the depression and I do pray that you find some balance... but you remind me of Seeme..... she would not have left her Mom's side for anything or anyone..... and to be compared to Seeme is a wonderful compliment.... anothe awesome daughter....
I feel the love and compassion you have for your mom and it is fine for you to come here and tell us how you are feeling.... yes, some have it more complicated, but the feelings are all the same... so hope you return and find this a safe and real place to become involved... as Jam says. 'we'll leave the light on for you".... you are just so full of love I can feel it across the miles..... hugs to you...
Judy, been there, done that with the countertop.....glad to hear I'm not the only idiot.....at least that's how I felt the second time.....that probably did cause my brain damage...........
Zannie, have you been to the doctor to see if you are depressed and need medication? It is nothing to be ashamed of, and most caregivers are on some type of meds. It is understandable that you might already be feeling the "loss" of your mom, but hopefully not at the expense of your marriage. Check it out and let us know.
When I get into the kitchen, to get the woolite carpet cleaner, I found Harley had puked twice in the pen on the pet pad, someone peed on the throw rug in front of the cage, hubby has put the dogs outside and is running around the kitchen with only his drawers on , yelling SHIT DAMN.........
I cleaned up the 6 spots on the carpet.......now those are the only places where the carppet is CLEAN.....one spot is still yellowish.....hubby lowered the gate, and by 2:30 we were back in bed. It is almost noon and I am not dressed, kitchen not cleaned, but hubby made omelets for breakfast in an effort to get on my good side. The dogs are the dirtiest I have ever seen them, as they have played hard this morning. Guess it is bath day today for sure...................
I give up! If brother doesn't come today, I will get the phone book on Tuesday and make calls for an electrician.
By the way, it wasn't a grand gesture. I figured if I turned off the breaker, and change it, I should be fine. But just to make sure, I Googled it. I guess it does make sense. Just because you turn off the breaker doesn't mean the flow of electricity just freezes. Duh!!! Ladee, you know me! I always Google! I would never have touched that damaged surge protector without Googling. I just assume it was a simple matter to do. Obviously, it's not ... well, it would have been if I had that $10.00 tool.
I will wait to see if brother comes today to do it. If not, I will call the electrician. As for electrician - money is no problem. Every month, I make sure that a portion of dad and my money goes to this emergency fund. If the fridge or air con breaks down, I take it from there. That's how we were able to buy the fridge and air con and plumber services (all together totaling $2000.00) within several months period.
I only logged back in just now to let you all know that I can't change it by myself after researching it. And you know what, secretly, I am SOOOO GLAD THAT I DON'T HAVE THAT $10.00 TOOL!!! .... Kimbee scared me! The good kind of scare, Kimbee. I really would have tried to do it if you hadn't reminded me the dangers....Gotta go. Time to sleep.
Zannie, I will read your post later this morning -after I've rested and taken care of the parents.
It sounds like your guilt is larger than the situation, have you ever considered counseling to help you with this, not because there is something wrong with you, but to help you 'let go' a little....
My intention here is to let you know I am concerned at the level of guilt? anxiety?, I'm not even sure what word to use...while I praise and respect you for all you do for your mom, your hubby taking trips without you is not good... someday she won't be here and what is this doing to your marriage, that will still be here hopefully.... ?
I may not be wording this right, so pray you are not offended, but I doubt your mom would want your life to come to a standstill until she passes.... just know you are in my prayers, in my thoughts.... and sending you angels and hugs...
I don't know how to splice the extension cord and fit it into the man-made hole between the livingroom/outside kitchen. But, I will just plug it in, have it go through the doorway (door won't be able to close shut). When not in use, we can pull the extension into the outside ktichen so that the door closes.
I can't go another day without Real Food. Sandwiches are only good for snacking. Not as a meal. Plus, I'm sooooo hungry! I decided not to take the micro to my bedroom. Everytime I turn on the iron to iron my clothes, the light flickers. So, I decided not to use the micro there. Time to sleep now. At least I will be more alert tomorrow morning than I am tonight. Night everyone....
Here's a joke I heard recently: "I woke up this morning and got out of bed. I stood up and had severe chest pain. It scared me, but then I realized I was standing on my nipples."
By the way, my mom was born with handicaps that affected her arms. She was a master toe fighter. She could pinch the shit out of you before you knew it was coming. Those toes were wicked.
Love you all, Cat.