This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Stormy hope Connor had a great first day.
Ladee Lou..you are the best. Your sense of humor carries you through and also helps others to laugh.
Cat so sorry that dad is not doing well. My heart goes out to you and dad.
Beck what a trip your day was..pray today is better for you and parents.
Dad seems a little more alert ..he is talking a bit he even picked up his coffee cup the yesterday. It's the little things. I just pray that he doesn't suffer he says he is ok.
Love and prayers for all to have the best day possible.
Seriously, Beck, you take every message your parents send to heart and that just says a lot about you. You are a great daughter. Yes, out of the mouths of babes. They just don't understand the world we live in. God bless them too, why should they. It's our own private place and we wouldn't wish it on them. Makes me want to cry for the innocence we would all love to have.
I don't expect my dad to live much longer. We have decided on comfort care. I have posted more details on Lisa's thread. "Two years ago this July, etc." I don't have the energy to rewrite it.
Beck knows the details. My heart goes out to all of you and those you love.
Hugs, Cattails.
Thanku 4 ur kind words......huge hugs....much love
You'll get there... and at least this time you were angry and not hurt... so that is progress too whether or not you realize it.... Prayers for you Notlike, you are still an awesome daughter that I would love to call mine..... sorry you got the pissy mom....
Stormy, how did it go for Connor today, and how did you handle it????
Thought about you today...
Just talked to the daughter, she just laughed and said next time she sees me she's going to make me go pick my own switch......!!!! So I have an ass whopin' comin' I guess, but she said it was no big deal..... guess I will have to put my shift report in writing... pretty soon no one will be talking to me.... Yippie Ki Yaaaa M***er F**ker.....
Beck-Your Dad is the most adorable trouble-maker! I just have this mental picture from how you've described him, and he seems so sweet. Difficult at times, but sweet :) No Boston Marathon for him, even if he thinks he can LOL
Stormy-You Go Girl! So proud of you for getting your brother to help. And hoping Connor had a great day.
Ladee-if the truth fits...hang in there hon. Hugs.
Today was not a good day. I goofed and thought Dad's dietitan appt was this morning at 7:45. You know how they give you multiple days/times when you are trying to make an appt? I must have written down the wrong one. He was disappinted, but Mom was livid because she got up early to come with us. Wouldn't say a word to me. And that just was the final straw after some of the nasty things she's said over the past few weeks. I kind of melted down when I got home from work. I'm just not good with the snappy come-backs, and then things bug me for days afterward. I wonder if I will ever get it through my head that I cannot please her, no matter how hard I try. And that laying low and trying not to anger her does no good, since I can never predict what will set her off.
Dad says that having their big meal at lunch isn't totally working. Mom is too tired to really cook, and her idea of a big meal is a salad. His is meat, potatoes, bread, and a veggie. He doesn't want to try Meals on Wheels, where they bring a big lunch to the house every day. And I am sick of not knowing if they are eating with us until the last minute. I'm either packing away a bunch of leftovers, stretching things to feed more people, or cooking three or four different things at once to make everyone happy. Even burgers on the grill is a ton of effort. She won't eat the seeded buns hubby likes, and turns up her nose at the plain store brand I buy, but doesn't supply her own buns. She won't eat beef, so turkey burger for her, well done for Dad, medium rare for hubby and son. Dad wants his cheese put on before the burger comes off the grill, no one else does. Mom cuts up onions, and hubby is expected to eat them, but he prefers sliced. No store brand condiments allowed. Must also make a veggie. (With burgers and chips??? The whole point is that's supposed to be easy, not a full course meal!)
So hubby and I talked, and we're going to try another idea. I'm going back to posting dinner menus for the week. Then they will know what we are having, and can decide if they want it or not. I will always make extra, and if they don't eat with us, we'll have leftovers another night. No more asking, substituting, or buying stuff I'm never going to eat myself. I will take suggestions, and include things I know they like, but I am a working caregiver, not a short order cook! When Mom finally is willing to give up the pretense of cooking, I will continue to do my best and make things they will eat. But I'm so tired of trying so hard and it's never good enough. It has to stop, at leat alittle, or I will be crazy before they are bedridden.
I think that's enough venting for today for me. If I start telling you all about Mom and the pears, I will get mad all over again!
Goodnight, and stay safe from the hurricane.
But did want to say that M caught the night girl in a lie... so it's not looking good for either one of them.... and they would be doing me a favor if I get fired.... too damned tired... just too tired to play "nice' with either of those stupid women.....
I don't kno how u manage.....n, in kno, u must be exhausted. I feel very blessed that my parents r not at the point of care that u r having to provide for mom....U have helped me put things into perspective regarding dad....thanku....If u can get thru ur demands with mom.....i, can certainly do the same with dad..!! Hope ur day goes well....love u, girl...
Anyway, now that I was wide awake,...I noticed that I didn't lock the door between the livingroom and outside kitchen (an extension of the house but the locks are well...not locks.). It was actually slightly opened. Then, mom's trache - I thought I finished it lastnight - but it was only halfway done! As I'm posting this, it's only 9pm but I'm getting dizzy. I will need to close now and do the parents and go sleep early.
Can you believe a customer plans to drop by the office tomorrow at 8:30am -when we open?! I haven't been to the office exactly or even Before 8:30 in a loooong time! I will need to be Speedy Gonzales with the parents tomorrow morning. Maybe ask sis if she can feed mom (takes a long time for those milk to go down the tube.) Just watch, I will rush to work, and he won't come in until AFTER 830am...
Cat, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad declining. I know that you're close. I guess the best that you can do is what you're doing now....beint there for him...and just talking to him...You take care!!
Stormy, good for you! I think that's the only way your brother will help. You or sis will always have to ask him. Some family are like that. I can be sick and in pain but no one will volunteer. I have to ask on a daily basis for help while I was sick. No common sense..Or no empathy for us. (Or is that Sympathy for us?)
Beck -wow, about your dad. and your poor mom. She must really be stressed out! And going crazy with your dad's shenanigans...
Here's my concern for any future care giving on the horizon. I think your sis will hit the wall sometime soon; maybe after your dad passes. Between her inability to set limits, her health, her husband's health and running the store, there could be a big problem in the future. Don't take on any more burdens, Stormy. Live your life and let others live theirs.
Beck: My heart goes out to you in more ways than I can say. I've not posted much. My dad is fading and it's been a hard last couple of weeks. Just know I love you and am praying for you.
Love and Hugs, Cat
There is so much mess going on at work with all these women. I'm BORED by it already and waaaaaaay to tired to give a f*ck... so as long none of it splashes on M and S, I don't care if they use ice picks on each other... just don't leave the damned mess for ME to clean up.... love you too Beck.... gotta got to bed.... 4:30 will be here soon....
Prayers for Conner Stormy, and for you watching your baby go to big boy school... let us know how he does.... hugs to everyone.... I should be in bed but afraid I'm going to miss something.... love and hugs....
She was very happy that she had no pain at all this morning, n, obviously, dad was feeling pretty good, as well........lol......sneaky ole man........love him to bits!
Goodnite all.....hugs, love, n prayers
Beck- Thanks to you too!!! Well, dad is the last of the parents. Hubby's parents had passed before we ever met and my mom died suddenly 8 years ago. So dad is the last one. And i don't plan on taking on no more caregiving roles unless it is my husband. He, now is the only one i feel i can be totally honest with about my feelings about this caregiving hell. Except of course you all. I just feel i can't talk to sis anymore like i use to. But hubby seems to understand and be supportive of my feelings and that is what i need. I don't want to be judged and that is how my sister would be. I guess she talks to her hubby about the whole caregiving stuff. It's just a subject that we don't bring up.
Anyway I want ya'll please to say a prayer for my little red (connor) he starts his first day of kindergarten tomorrow. I really hope he has a good day. He has a weak stomach like his dad and can get sick if he gets too nervous, so i have extra clothes packed in the car and a trash can in the car ready to go if he gets sick. But i pray it doesn't come to that. Well, got to get off of here and get to bed so connor and i can rise and shine. Got to have him at school at 7:30 in the morning. So i am getting up at 5:30, Lord these hours are going to kill me..... UGH........
I"ll keep dad in my prayers that all goes well....Love ya, Stormy....
Sharyn, good to see her you here, been missin' ya !!!
Funnier come back and visit, we'll be here....
Too much going on in my caregiver world to put it all down tonight.... going to bed... love ya'll
I hope everyone that is in the path of the hurricane stays safe. My prayers are with all of you. Love and hugs stormyy